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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have sent a huffy text message

68 replies

Asteria · 21/01/2011 23:21

to my friend....
I looked after her sweet but very smelly dog all week and offered her supper tonight to save her cooking after driving 250 miles, which she accepted. She then tipped up early to collect the dog, which was fine, and said that she was too tired to do supper tonight - also fine, althogh she seems to be doing this a lot recently...

I then see her FB update that she has had a lovely supper with someone else and is just heading home - so clearly not that tired after all. I sent her a nice but very clear text that I was "a bit miffed" she had gone for supper elsewhere after pleading exhaustion....

I'm not being unreasonable am I????

OP posts:

PatPending · 22/01/2011 14:29

Bubbly friend also reminded me of the weekend last year when I went with bad friend to a ball and instead of bunking down with me as planned, I was shoved in a room with a man I had never met and spent the night listening to her shagging some nasty hobbit next door...

That is absolutely unforgiveable - sorry lass but you are being used

Willabywallaby · 22/01/2011 14:34

Some people are all me me me, she sounds like one of these, bubbly friend sounds much more fun!

Cadmum · 22/01/2011 14:47

I' don't think that yabu at all! I've been in a similarly one- sided relationship.

It can be very lonely, confusing and completely unworthy the effort.

Does she only contact you when she needs something? Does she ask for help or do you find yourself offering in the hopes that she will be a better friend?

Original poster

Asteria · 22/01/2011 14:54

Bugger bugger bugger! Right - my way of doing things would be to get her over tonight and basically tell her what it is that has upset me, see what she has to contribute to it all and work it out from there.

I don't want to have a showdown, or ditch her altogether - she is my godmother's niece and we are all very close so ditching is not really an option...

In her defence in the last 18 months she has left her husband of 12 years for having an affair, moved house, had 2 hysterectomys (first one went wrong as surgeon fell ill half way through)lost her job and started a new business up... So she has been going through a lot, so maybe she is just having a bit of a "self" moment (well - 6 months). I will come out looking like a bitch if I make a fuss as everyone thinks that she is amazing...

OP posts:

compo · 22/01/2011 14:54

Do either of you have kids? Is it needing a single friend to go out with onthe pull? Tbh she sounds a nightmare

plupervert · 22/01/2011 14:55

That bit about abandoning you at the last ball was pretty horrible. What if you hadn't felt safe with the other man you had to "bunk with"?! I couldn't leave anyone in that situation, let alone a friend. Making you listen to loud sex just makes the situation more precarious for you. This is fairly disgusting behaviour.

Original poster

Asteria · 22/01/2011 14:57

compo - I have a son but she can't have children

OP posts:

oranges · 22/01/2011 14:57

if you are all part of a close circle, thats all the more reason to NOT have it out with her, as your words may well get twisted and used against you. just quietly move apart, using all her excuses like "its complicated" or "I'm too tired." That way, she won't be able to say that you criticised her in any way. if she ever confronts you, be bright and breezy and say "but I don't know what you mean"

StayFrosty · 22/01/2011 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Clytaemnestra · 22/01/2011 17:20

Asteria - she sounds awful, btu you sound absolutely lovely, wish you were my friend! :)

CalamityKate · 22/01/2011 17:31

What Oranges suggested, and what Clyt..Clytearm... what the poster who said "Asteria - she sounds awful, btu you sound absolutely lovely, wish you were my friend!" said x

ZillionChocolate · 22/01/2011 19:47

I can't see that there's anything to discuss. She owes you an apology but she can only demonstrate her friendship through deeds, not words. You deserve better. I wouldn't ditch her altogether, but let her do the running. You've done more than your fair share.

raedrenn · 22/01/2011 20:10

You sound like a very nice friend to have. She is being very selfish but I can see where you are coming from in that she has had a tough time recently and is yes, being selfish and self-centered. However, we've all been there at some point (new realtionship/newly single, new baby, etc.) and I think the sign of a good friend is that we a) call them up on it and b) stay good friends. Nobody is perfect. Give her another chance to redeem herself :)

Original poster

Asteria · 23/01/2011 17:39

UPDATE! She came over last night armed with a huge bottle of gin and lots of fags as a thank you for looking after the smelly dog.
She was completely beside herself about it all and hugely repentant. I made it really clear about how I felt and what it was that had upset me and she actually cried. I felt terrible for her.

She said that the last couple of event packed years have really taken their toll and that she had been feeling completely unsettled and crap about her attitude to everything, but that she was heading back on track to being my old friend.

So all good! I am so relieved! Thank you all for your comments and advice

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 23/01/2011 19:24

Glad to hear she is suitably repentant and that you are feeling happier about it all. Keep an eye on her though, to see if she does all she is promising to do!

Willabywallaby · 24/01/2011 08:59

Shewhoshallnotbenamed · 24/01/2011 10:08

Just read the thread, hate to say this but even after you've called her on her behaviour and how it's upset you she then turned it back on herself?

I'm glad you feel settled and sorted but please be mindful that she is using your good nature to her benefit.

I had this with a friend, I put up with her crap for a long time - similar to what you've been through. I grew a pair and stood up to her, I was then the biggest cow on the planet as I didn't realise just how hard her life was. Well mine is hard too and I have friends who will support me without making me feel bad about myself.

You're story has struck a chord with me and I just wanted to add my view - I hope you can see her for what she is and use the friendship to your advantage and not let her constantly drag you down.

Original poster

Asteria · 24/01/2011 13:18

Our mutual friend "bubbly" and I went for a dog walk this morning and she really let leash about what she thinks of bad friend, despite the apologies - I suspect that she will say something to her too...

Bleurgh! back to square one - well , not quite as she now knows that I'm cross and that I will haul her up in future.

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