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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have sent a huffy text message

68 replies

Asteria · 21/01/2011 23:21

to my friend....
I looked after her sweet but very smelly dog all week and offered her supper tonight to save her cooking after driving 250 miles, which she accepted. She then tipped up early to collect the dog, which was fine, and said that she was too tired to do supper tonight - also fine, althogh she seems to be doing this a lot recently...

I then see her FB update that she has had a lovely supper with someone else and is just heading home - so clearly not that tired after all. I sent her a nice but very clear text that I was "a bit miffed" she had gone for supper elsewhere after pleading exhaustion....

I'm not being unreasonable am I????

OP posts:
ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 22/01/2011 00:10

For me it's not about who does what for a friend, it's about who is there for a friend and she doesn't seem to be there for you and she appears to treat you like an assistant and not a friend.

TheSkiingGardener · 22/01/2011 00:15

Hmmm, Hunt Ball excuse sounds like a load of codswallop. I would hold off any more favours until you have been on the receiving end for something. Sometimes friendships can be one sided for a while but this sounds like a long term trend. Save the energy for when someone more able to give as well as take is around.

Original poster
Asteria · 22/01/2011 00:20

She is my "date" to my birthday Murder Mystery next weekend... She has been v "self" recently - but we all go through phases of that. I don't want to ditch her because I'm just not built that way but perhaps a word might be an idea. I generally hate confrontation, but in her VMail she did rant on and on about how I am such an amazing friend to her - I will just step back a little and let her come to me for a while. No point making a complete mug of myself by grovelling about...

OP posts:
Original poster
Asteria · 22/01/2011 00:21

I have a feeling that the Hunt Ball might be along the not wanting any more competition than necessary lines

OP posts:
Original poster
Asteria · 22/01/2011 00:24

Fuck! She did this to me at new year too - we said that we would club together for it soas to avoid Miss Haversham like lonliness. I was offered another option which I held out on till the last minute and she said that she wanted a quiet one (which turned out to be a mass hoo haa with mutual friends) so I trotted off to my other offer...
FFS - I really need to have a big word or three

OP posts:
ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 22/01/2011 02:44

Do you have a back up plan for your birthday :(

LDNmummy · 22/01/2011 03:12

Rubbish friend, I have had them too, just cut one loose recently as I have been burned before and saw right through it this time. Ditch her and branch out without her, you will feel better for having done it. Martha Stewart magazines??? After you watched her dog all week? She knows you need a friend and is taking advantage of that. Otherwise, use her equally as much as you can and move on (though I prefer to do the former, just listing bitch tactic lol).

YeahBut · 22/01/2011 03:32

She's not a friend, she's a user.

Friends don't dump friends for a better offer.

christmaswishes · 22/01/2011 04:35

User alert lol.

After you made supper then she doesn't even stay to eat it - what a nice woman !

I'd definitely play it cool and try to not tell her too many personal details.

KenDoddsDadsDog · 22/01/2011 06:06

She's a user not a friend. You're good enough to help her out but not good enough to be out in public with. You sound like a great friend too - wish I had more like you!

IAPJJLPJ · 22/01/2011 07:20

Even if you speak to her she will just give you excuses - which you will then believe as you don't want to be friendless.

If she really cared for you and wanted to spend time in your company, then she would. She is just taking advantage of your vulnerability and will continue to do so.

Sorry to sound so harsh but this friendship is going nowhere - unless of course you like being at her beck and call.

Be proactive

You need to create a life of your own by joining groups in your area.

fedupofnamechanging · 22/01/2011 09:11

She is getting all the benefits in this 'friendship'. When you think about it, you are getting very little. Sorry to say, but she is using you. She doesn't worry about hurting your feelings, in fact she gives them so little thought that she posts insensitive comments on FB. I'd get rid. You sound lovely and deserve friends who will appreciate you and care for you as you do for them

Original poster
Asteria · 22/01/2011 13:26

Urgh! She is grovelling enormously and wants to head over tonight to talk it out. I will give her the chance because I actually enjoy her company, but have actually written a list of the thins that really upset me - actually crosser now as it is really really long....

The friend who is doing my birthday murder mystery supper party thingie (now there is a good friend - she even turns up for children's tea with bottles of bubbly!!) called this morning. I am now looking after her dog - which she dropped off with a bottle of champagne (the smelly one arrived with some pedigree chum)- for the weekend. She check in to see how it was all going and expressed absolute horror at the other girl's behaviour - disgraceful was her exact word.

Bubbly friend also reminded me of the weekend last year when I went with bad friend to a ball and instead of bunking down with me as planned, I was shoved in a room with a man I had never met and spent the night listening to her shagging some nasty hobbit next door...

OP posts:
prettymuchapixiegirl · 22/01/2011 13:37

I would dump her as a friend TBH, it sounds like a very one-sided friendship and that it's all take take take on her part.

I have been in the habit before of always doing nice things for friends and not getting it reciprocated so I've been re-evaluating some of my frienships and moving on from some friends because the friendship doesn't offer anything to me.

And you'd think your friend would have been a bit more tactful than to put a status on FB about her supper as she'd already turned you down, regardless of whether the other person made her stay or not. She doesn't sound very considerate.

Original poster
Asteria · 22/01/2011 13:45

yup - I'm seeing it as the best option to be honest. As an aside I have also taken time out from facebook - left a blank photo and a comment about being contactable in the real world. I'm not an obsessive, but it's really wasting my life away...

OP posts:
gingernutlover · 22/01/2011 13:46

having read your more recent posts I think it would be quite in order to be "too tired" for her to come round tonight Wink, I'm sure she will be very sorry about all the things you have on your list but I very much doubt she will stop doing them. I have a couple of "friends" like this and rather than actually fall out with them about it I have just distanced myself from them and it made me realise how much of the running I was doing.

msrisotto · 22/01/2011 13:58

Hey Asteria. You sound a bit like me - too nice. Just be careful you don't become the neighbourhood dog sitter, know what I mean?

prettymuchapixiegirl · 22/01/2011 14:05

I agree with gingernut, I too would be too tired to see her. Then put a status on FB about what a fantastic night out you've had with some other friends ;-)

dobiegirl · 22/01/2011 14:07

That would have hurt my feelings, so I would have said something. You sound like a nice girl with a very crappy mate!!!

Original poster
Asteria · 22/01/2011 14:08

funnily enough I do dog/horse/cat/child/house sit occasionally - so people know that I usually get paid for it. But I wouldn't dream of asking a close friend because then I wouldn't be able to have on in the bank for when I needed favours!

OP posts:
MinnieBar · 22/01/2011 14:11

Can't have another single girl on the table at the Hunt Ball - is she living in a Jilly Cooper novel?!

ENormaSnob · 22/01/2011 14:12

She's not your friend.

Friends don't treat you as she is doing.

MsKLo · 22/01/2011 14:21

She sounds like a really shit shit unsupportive friend and you are way to nice to be around her

Please have a hug

Please don't waste your time on crappy friends

Get out and meet people - is there a single parents network where you live? Is there anything on here where you can look and meet other mums in your area?

She is not a friend - a real friend would include you in going out and help you in times of distress

Dump the bitch and make new friends
X

MsKLo · 22/01/2011 14:25

I am going to be harsh and say you are letting her treat you like shit and I suspect you will keep
Seeing her and she will keep
Doing crappy things

If you really respect yourself cancel seeing her later and give her a wide berth from now on as she will always treat you like shit

SecretNutellaFix · 22/01/2011 14:29

Asteria, she is no friend.

It seems like she sees you as convenient helper. You have better friends than her. Would you really miss her?