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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have told this mother that ds could not come round next week?

58 replies

GooseyLoosey · 20/01/2011 10:36

I really need help here as I have lost all perspective about what is reasonable and think I might be over reacting.

The background is that ds is a bit of an "odd" child. He has been assessed as being about 7 years ahead of his peers accademically. He is a funny, outgoing child, but does not always understand other children and can be bossy. He has be badly bullied by the children in his class as a result - although that has stopped at the moment.

He is in Yr 3. In reception he had a best friend. In Yr 1, for reasons niether the school or I ever really understood, the parents of this friend said they would like the school to keep ds away from their son. The parents were my friends and I never saw it coming. Ds cried himself to sleep for months (I was pretty upset too). I talked to ds and kept this child at arms length. Ds played with other people (eventually). Recently he and this boy have become friendly again and ds has been around to his house. I had asked him around to my house tonight.

I went to check with his mother this morning and she said "Oh, X is coming around to our house instead, perhaps your ds could come next week". I said I didn't know and would let her know - I was a bit hurt. Then she said that her ds and my ds had had a falling out at school on Mon and that was the reason. I said OK, in that case, ds won't come around next week. She asked "why not" and then (and this is the bit I am not sure about), I said that ds was really hurt last time her ds did not want to be his friend and I could not let that happen again. She looked like I had slapped her in the face and clearly had no idea what I was going on about.

Should I have just smiled politely and said nothing? I really have lost perspective, but to my way of thinking ds is just being set up to be hurt again and she has no concept of what she is doing. Talk sense to me.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 20/01/2011 12:12

face to face better. hard, but better.

Original poster
GooseyLoosey · 20/01/2011 12:15

urghh - even though I might cry?

OP posts:
Hullygully · 20/01/2011 12:22

I think so, if you really are friends.

Hullygully · 20/01/2011 12:24

Also, and I hate to say this because I feel your pain, for you and your ds, I don't think she's really been that awful. You don't know what her ds has been saying to her, maybe she is as concerned to keep things "cooler" as you are to protect her own ds? And that's why if they have a fall out, she says have a bit of time out?

Original poster
GooseyLoosey · 20/01/2011 12:25

OK - am very bad at social stuff so will take your advice. Not looking forward to it though.

OP posts:
Original poster
GooseyLoosey · 20/01/2011 12:27

I kind of suspect you're right. There is nothing like seeing something written down to make you see that you are being precious!

OP posts:
sixlostmonkeys · 20/01/2011 12:27

I cried (understatement) I simply wasn't prepared for what she came out with - never realised there people so....so....arghh!. There's thinking your child is the bee's knees and there's parents like these - leaves you speechless. I did however, amidst my uncontrolable shaking and crying (it was a tough time) tell her how very very wrong she was, which made me feel better, somewhat.

If you are considering a discussion with this woman you need to ask yourself what you want the outcome to be and do you really believe there will be a positive outcome.

Hullygully · 20/01/2011 12:28

It's all very hard.

Anniegetyourgun · 20/01/2011 12:30

If you are going to send the email - or rehearse the words in it and say it to her instead - I'd tweak the very apologetic ending to something a bit more matter-of-fact. Like "I was surprised so I probably didn't explain clearly enough at the time"? Or maybe that's too apologetic still. After all you didn't actually do anything wrong, although you don't wish to imply that she did either (at this stage).

I did exactly that sort of thing up until quite recently, inviting the other party to blame it all on silly old me, and guess what: they quite often did. It sounds as if there's been quite enough of that going on, to your DS and by extension you, already.

Original poster
GooseyLoosey · 20/01/2011 12:33

Six - not sure what I want the outccome to be. Clearly I would love ds to be Mr popularity, but that is not going to happen. I guess the outcome will be that they do not play together for a while. Hopefully she will see me as less of a nutter. Don't think I can hope for more.

OP posts:
Original poster
GooseyLoosey · 20/01/2011 12:34

You're right Annie - I do tend to accept the blame and conclude that it is all my fault. I will rehearse something less craven sounding. God, if it wasn't for ds, I would avoid them all.

OP posts:
TracyK · 20/01/2011 12:35

I'd just avoid her!

2rebecca · 20/01/2011 12:40

What does your son say about it all? Was he pleased when the other boy joined football or not? If your son says they haven't fallen out and doesn't understand the other boys actions then he may be as well distancing himself from me. I think primary school friends are difficult as it does take a while to work out which people have similar personalities to you and which don't. I changed friends age 10 as my best friend up until then started being horrid to me at school although she was still happy to play out of school as I was handy. in the end I found a new set of friends who were more like me and was much happier. My mum kept trying to make me play with the girl over the road again and didn't get it.
Kids do blow hot and cold at your son's age but this boy sounds as though he is telling his mum for some reason that he doesn't want to play with your son so I'd keep the friendship casual and encourage the out of school activities and making other friends.
People who are popular in primary school tend to be those who aren't particularly individual and just follow popular trends, so if you have a quirky personality you are rarely popular at primary school, but tend to do better later on. I reassured my kids, especially my son with that at their age. My son was rubbish with friends in early primary school and had an imaginary one he'd spend break with. Now age 14 he has lots of hobbies and friends.

Original poster
GooseyLoosey · 20/01/2011 12:45

ds is not good at the subtleties of how other people fee, so the boy could have been giving off vibes and ds would not necessarilly have noticed.

However, he will notice that his friend is not here tonight as planned.

I think I let myself get too involved in the whole thing. Its just I can see the way they treat ds and they are oblivious to the fact he gets hurt. I know he is not their responsibility, but I do wish that people would just think.

OP posts:
kenobi · 20/01/2011 13:00

Oh Goosey, I'm sorry, I think you have to do it face to face too.
Emails are an awful way to communicate something sensitive, people can misunderstand you, - deliberately or accidentally - and you can't correct them because you're not there. Also if you're standing in front of her, demanding that she deal with the reality of the situation, she can't dismiss you as a nutter.

And if you cry, you cry. She loves her son too, she'll understand the depth of your emotion, even if it'll make the encounter awkward for you.

You don't have to engage - as other people say, you can walk away. But if ds doesn't make friends easily it does seem to me politic to deal with this woman and get her to see your side of the story. Even if it doesn't work you will have done everything you can.

Original poster
GooseyLoosey · 20/01/2011 13:03

Thanks all - girding my loins for the school run now! I bet I don't even see her having worked myself into such a state.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 20/01/2011 13:47

I would probably only mention it if you see the boys as likely to play at each others houses in the near future. If this is unlikely to happen as you don't trust her I'd let it go. If you think it is likely then you have to find out her side of the story to understand her actions. If your son continues to not notice the subtleties of how people feel as they get older then he may need some help with this. It may just be his age and emtional immaturity at the moment.

Original poster
GooseyLoosey · 20/01/2011 16:11

I have just picked him up from school - he sttod and watched the child go away with another child, completely ignoring him, asked me why and has not said another word since. I cannot speak to this woman.

Ds does need help with social skills - he is getting support. Sadly none from his peers or their parents.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 20/01/2011 16:23

Goosey, I understand your rage and pain, I have spent nights sleepless with worry about my dc and various friendship issues, but it will help you more if you separate stuff out.

My dd has had this done to her numerous times by various "best friends," and her social skills are fine. It is something that all kids suffer. You need to talk to him about it, explain it in a lighthearted way that he can understand, eg "goodness he's got the sillies today, we all get the sillies sometimes, when it happens it's best to play with someone else."

At the same time, help him practise social skills (I did this with role play with ds)and there is a book people are always recommending about getting along with friends - hopefully someone else will suggest it!

Then, as far as the other woman is concerned, you need to try and mend the relationship, you need her on side and you need to hear her point of view.

These children are far too young for you to expect any empathy/support for your ds from them.

2rebecca · 20/01/2011 16:25

I think expecting 7 year olds to help other same age kids with social skills in expecting a bit much. Many kids at that age are still totally self centred and have difficulty with empathy and are just starting to learn to play with other children as equals.
The mother sounds awful in the way she dropped your son tonight without discussing it properly, but maybe you never really told her about your sons problems with relationships and his loneliness so she didn't understand how all this affects him. It's different if this mother was a friend of yours, then I would expect her to be supportive, but it doesn't sound as though the 2 of you really discussed your kids.
I would do something fun with him this afternoon and not arrange for this boy to come round again, well not this year anyway.

Original poster
GooseyLoosey · 20/01/2011 16:30

You are right, I know, but God it hurts. I am crying. Ds just walked home looking at his feet. His "friends" completely cut him dead, although I know they are just being kids. He has started talking now, but he wants to know who he can invite to his birthday (in 5 months time) now.

I do lots of de-briefings with ds on social situations and school are on board. Today I made the cardinal error of telling him what the issue was and not making light of it as I normally do. I just couldn't some how.

I saw her and thought of talking to her and I couldn't. She could have rang me and told me - if I hadn't seen her this morning I am not sure that she would have said anything at all and just left it until I went to pick them up tonight.

OP posts:
TracyK · 20/01/2011 16:31

I'm presuming though, that if you hadn't mentioned x coming round to yours tonight - she wouldn't even have given you the courtesy of cancelling the play date!
I'd cold shoulder her from now on and find some fun/interesting after school activities for your ds.

Original poster
GooseyLoosey · 20/01/2011 16:39

Just what I thought Traceyk.

OP posts:
TracyK · 20/01/2011 16:42

Here's hoping to 'what goes around comes áround for her!'

Hullygully · 20/01/2011 16:45

Goosey - watching them suffer is far far worse than suffering yourself.

I always tell mine that actually, being a child is a bit shit and life is far far better as an adult when you can make choices about who you hang out with etc.