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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit concerned about my DD and cleanliness issues?

28 replies

LifeIsButtercream · 19/01/2011 18:22

I've really umm'ed and ar'ed about posting this on here, but have decided to put this to you so you can share your wisdom/slap some sense into me!

DD is nearly 21 months, I'm a single parent. I don't bring her up in a showhome, my house is cluttered homely and she often merrily scatters her toys all over the place, but she has started showing some quite alarming signs of anxiety around being messy/things being dirty or out of place.

One thing that makes me worry is that her dad (my ex) had OCD, and he told me that he thought genetics would be likely to transfer it as his mum also had it. I'm not a sufferer, and have only done basic 'google' research into this in an attempt to help and support him while we were together. He left when she was 4 months old, so I doubt she has observed him being anxious about mess/dirt much.

DD will become anxious if her hands are messy (chocolate, paint, yogurt, playdough, anything on her skin) and comes up to me asking to be wiped even if she has just the slightest trace of something on her hands. She finds spills very distressing, and often comes up to me with the tiniest bits of dust, literally shaking and saying 'uh-ho fluff!' over and over.

I've tried to work with her - encouraged messy play/finger-painting, experimenting with food, going out in wellies in the mud etc, and 'played up' that it is fun/funny (letting her put paint on my nose etc). I try not to wet-wipe her too much or feed into her anxiety.

She's my only child, so please feel free to call her a PFB. I don't know if this is a normal stage of toddler development, I just want to be able to help her through it, so she can have fun getting messy like loads of other kids seem to!

Thankies in advance - feel free to pelt me with Biscuit

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 19/01/2011 18:31

My kids haven't done this, but I have looked enviously at parents of children who seem to care about being wiped, if that helps! What I mean is, its possbly not wholly unusual - if you treat it as a phase, it might hopefully end up being one, and nothing else.

Hopefully someone more knowledgeable will come along shortly...

Punkatheart · 19/01/2011 18:31

Wouldn't dream of pelting you. It must be worrying, given the history. But I wasn't aware that OCD had genetic roots - I could understand it more if your ex was living in the house with you - behaviourly then she might pick up on his mannerisms and remarks. Obviously this is not the case.

You seem to be doing everything right and if may be that all does sort itself out. But it may be worth have a private word with your GP or if it really continues to worry you, to get her referred to a private behavioural expert. However - she seems a little young for this step.

Good luck.

Unrulysun · 19/01/2011 18:33

I don't think YABU or PFB especially given the history but I have nothing practical to suggest to help sorry - sounds line you're doing all the right things. Would be quite surprised if OCD turned out to be genetic - you may just be noticing it more because of the past?

Original poster
LifeIsButtercream · 19/01/2011 18:33

Thanks peeps!

She is such a delightful little girl, I just want her to live without fear of getting messy, and hope it doesn't develop into something more sinister as she gets older!

OP posts:
fel1x · 19/01/2011 18:36

Both my boys have been through phases like this at certain ages and dS2 is still quite keen to be cleaned up when he is in a mess, but they also both love jumping in muddy puddles etc, so I think it can be a very normal phase to go through.
It sounds like you are dealing with it perfectly and she will be fine Smile

PixieOnaLeaf · 19/01/2011 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Punkatheart · 19/01/2011 18:37

With you as her mum, she is going to be happy and together.....you sound very balanced and thoughtful.

mum295 · 19/01/2011 18:38

I wouldn't worry too much. DD is 2.5 and does many of the things you describe. I keep the house clean/tidy but she likes to wash her hands much more often than I encourage her to and gets quite upset at spills, dragging me by the hand to clear them up even when I tell her not to worry or that I'll clean it up in a bit.

I think it might just be a phase. My DD seems to have a strop every time I don't do something "just so"!

cory · 19/01/2011 18:38

It is not uncommon for small children to go through a phase where they worry about their hands being dirty; it doesn't have to mean that they will grow up to develop OCF problems. Quite a few children don't like messy play.

TheVisitor · 19/01/2011 18:39

My lot freaked about mucky hands etc around the same age. It's a normal phase. :) With your DH, his inherited OCD was probably more likely to be learned behaviour.

Mishy1234 · 19/01/2011 18:39

DS1 is a bit like this (never liked messy play, notices if he is dirty and likes to be cleaned) and there is no history of OCD in the family. I just think that some kids are like this and wouldn't worry too much about it. I think you are dealing with it brilliantly (given me some ideas actually!) and would just keep a mindful eye on her as you are doing anyway.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 19/01/2011 18:41

both my boys were like this as oddlers. maybe not to such an extent that they were anxious when tehy had messy hands or dirty clothes but they definitely didn't like it. neither me nor EXp have any OCD traits. ds1 is now 5 and has no issues with mud or dirt. ds2 is only 20 months and still likes to have his hands and face cleaned if they get tacky or dirty. i expect he will grow out of it.

pozzled · 19/01/2011 18:42

My DD went through a similar phase at around the same age. She wasn't quite as fussed about getting stuff on her hands but did make fuss when anything was 'wrong' or out of place e.g. a hole in a fence. She would stand there saying 'Uh oh' and want us to fix it. She doesn't seem at all bothered now (at 2.5) so just a phase in her case.

If I were you I'd keep doing what you are- encourage messy play, show how relaxed you are about it.

whatdoiknowanyway · 19/01/2011 18:43

DD went through this. V Embrrassing when her aunty bought finger paints for her 2nd bithday and couldn't undertand why DD wasn't thrilled.
She's still neat and tidy but nothing approaching OCD (and she's 18!)

KarmaDevil · 19/01/2011 18:45

I was like this all through my childhood. Hated any bit of dirt, refused to go to the beach because I didn't want my feet to get dirty in the sand, never went near mud, wouldn't play with plasticine didn't want in my fingernails, refused to make cakes because I didn't want to get my hands dirty, would completely freak if I spilt something on clothes. I grew up to be an extremely messy, untidy adult who hates housework and never cleans if I can get away with it. Grin The only thing I'm regular on the cleaning is my own personal hygiene.

I don't know if it is related to your ex's OCD, but hopefully she will grow out of it.

bubblewrapped · 19/01/2011 18:49

my grandaughter was like this when she was about 2 till she was 3.. but she soon changed and is now at her happiest when covered in cake mix or chocolate!

maybe make something nice and messy, like chocolate crispie cakes, and she can lick her fingers.. to show that sometimes its fun to get messy..

perfumedlife · 19/01/2011 18:50

My mother says I was like this as a toddler, drove her mad.

Not now. I attract dirt and dust and the budgie shits on my hair, doesn't bother me Grin

Lots of kids go through this phase.

TootaLaFruit · 19/01/2011 18:54

My house is 'tidy' in the sense that two toddlers live here so when they're awake it's a tip and when they go to bed it becomes manageable again. So DD1 has never witnessed 'precious' OCD behaviour about mess or anything, but she'll come up and ask to be wiped if she gets the slightest bit of felt-tip on her hands, and does the 'picking up bits of fluff' thing.

I really wouldn't worry. It sounds like VERY normal toddler behaviour (and let's face it, they're all different) and you're just hyper-aware of it because of your ex and what he said about genetics.

I wouldn't worry, keep doing what you're doing wrt messy-play and she'll soon recognise that dirt isn't to be feared, even if she continues to want to be clean.
Maybe it means she'll be a super-tidy teenager in the future - can't complain then Wink

flossymuldoon · 19/01/2011 18:56

I was just like this as a child. I couldn't abide anything on my hands or clothes, and was very tidy with my toys. I think my Mum thought it was quite odd (and a bit of a PITA!) as she did teaste me about it.

I'm now 39 and not remotely OCD. My house is really cluttered and although i do keep it pretty clean i don't clean anywhere near as much as everyone else i know. I do still hate my hands been dirty but i'm not obsessive about it.

peanutbutterkid · 19/01/2011 18:59

DS1 & DD were like that as toddlers, OP. Was just a phase, they are now school age and not in the least OCD. DS1 likes to keep his stuff organised, at least. But DD's room is a hygiene hazard, tell the truth!!

Acanthus · 19/01/2011 19:03

I agree with other posters - lots of toddlers go through this phase. And since you don't suffer from OCD and won't feed into it, I don't believe your little one will " inherit" it.

RachelHRD · 19/01/2011 19:06

As an OCD sufferer I can understand your concerns and I do agree that it can be genetic - my Mum had it and so does my sister.

It can just be a bit of a phase at that age - DS was a bit funny about getting dirty hands around that age but he is less bothered now and I just grit my teeth and make sure I am not being OTT about hygiene!

If you are really concerned mention it to your Dr or HV and they should be able to help. If she is leaning towards OCD tendencies she is young enough to have help and be steered in the right direction so that it does not affect her in later life.

HTH

Karaishere · 19/01/2011 19:12

My daughter too hated having dirty hands etc at that aged too. She wouldn't even let me put camomile (sp) lotion on her when she had CP. If you left a cupboard door slightly open she would have to shut it . She would use baby wipes to clean her toys all the time. Any dinner down her clothes she demanded a clean one on

She is 4 and a half and has grown out of it :) infact she's the most messy out of both my kids lol

Hatesponge · 19/01/2011 19:19

I was almost obsessively clean as a small child. Hated hands or clothes being dirty, and used to cry til they were cleaned/clothes changed. Like others have already said, I am nothing like it as an adult. This seems to suggest its just a phase little ones go through, and at the moment nothing to worry overly about.

JamieLeeCurtis · 19/01/2011 19:23

YANBPFB

I can see why you are concerned - a propensity to anxiety-related conditions can be inherited, BUT, a lot of children go through this phase (my DS1 included) and there be no long-term problems, AND you are modelling being laissez-faire about things without pushing her too much out of her comfort zone

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