To love a man twice my age?

[Namechangerforadvice]

Namechanged and edited some details so as not to "out" myself to those here who know me in RL.

I have totally fallen in love with a man who is twice my age! I am 25 and he is 49. I have known him about 8 years in total and we have always been good friends, and socialised together, but recently we have become closer.

We seem to connect on every level, we can sit and laugh and chat about anything, for hours on end. He is fantastic with my DS (8) and enjoys spending time with us both, going out and staying in for lazy days at home. We have lots in common, a shared favourite hobby, mutual circle of friends and same taste in music/films/things that interest us. He is very kind, sweet and caring and has told me he feels the same about me.

I have always thought age is just a number and shouldn't make any difference. However, now it is me in the situation I am starting to have doubts. I think I owe it to myself and my son to think about this carefully, but I really don't know what to think.

I have spoken about this to my best friend, who was very supportive but raised two points when I asked her for her honest thoughts..

1. She knows I want to have more kids and said that although he has said he wants kids, perhaps he is getting a bit too old to be able to be an active and involved parent.

1. What about the future, she pointed out that in 20 years time I will be 45 and he will be nearly 70, that he is quite likely to die before me and that I may well face the rest of my life without him. (although to this I pointed out that I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, and that order of age doesnt dictate order of death). But she has me doubting things now.

So....

Opinions? AIBU in choosing a man twice my age to spend my life with?

Anyone been in this situation and had it work (would love some encouragement).

Thanks all!

Well I can't really comment as my fiancé is the same age as me.. BUT, if you love him enough and can't imagine yourself without him, then go for it and see what happens.

The being an "older father" and him being "elderly" whilst you're still relatively young WOULD bother me, but then again I'm not in love with him- only you can decide if these things don't bother you enough to consider.

I think that if you've met someone that you love and who loves you, then that is not to be taken for granted. Some people spend all their lives and never have the wonderful relationship that you have. What your friend has said is true, but no one can predict what is in store for us. All sorts of things could happen.

I think it's too late now anyway. You have met him, you have fallen in love. Would leaving him now, on the basis of what might happen in the future, make you happier or unhappier?

When researching my family tree last year I discovered that my great-grandfather, at the grand old age of 72, married a 37 year-old woman. More recently my friend in his early fifties married a woman in her early thirties. They've now got a 1 year-old and another on the way. The thing about old age is that it happens to everyone sooner or later and if you're in a relationship with someone you're not that fond of, pushing them around in the proverbial bath chair is a pain in the arse. So just make sure you really like the person you choose to be with ...however old they are.

And what if you decide for those reasons not to stay with this man? If neither of you ever finds someone else you will both have lost the chance of a loving relationship.

Nobody knows what lies around the corner. You've been given a chance of happiness with a man you love so grab it.

As long as he feels the same way about you and is free of any other committments. Go for it.
My DH has 48 when DD was born. He is still young at heart which is important.

Definitely unhappier Karma. Right now we can't keep away from each other!

No, no, no! You aren't being unreasonable at all but your friend has raised some valid points. Only you can decide if they are 'deal breakers'. From a personal point of view, there is a seventeen year age gap between my DH and I and I hardly notice - most of the time. We have been together for six years, married for three, have a three year old and one on the way. He sometimes worries about his age given that we have started a young family but we both decided that it was worth him being an old Dad. :)

My cousin married a man 20+ years older than herself - they are still together. He is now 80+ and still working, looks about 65, and they are happy.

I on the other hand married a man 13 years younger, and we lasted 4 years!

I think age is not really relevant - people can be 'old' at 20, or 'young' at 60 !

If he is "getting a bit too old to be able to be an active and involved parent" I dread to think what that makes me........I had my son when I was nearly 40 and I can assure you I was very active and involved!

He's got a bit of life under his belt, all 'spring urges' should be over and done with, and he sounds great. Go for it!

Neil was 39 and I was 21 when we met, we were doing great

I'm now 33 in a couple of weeks and my dp is 52, we're doing great

I dont think age is an issue

My husband is 13 years older than me. Quite a scandal when I was 19 and he was 32! Initially my parents were a bit concerned and friends felt a bit awkward when we were out socially etc. But thankfully that didnt last for too long. When people see that someone is genuine and cares for you, thats what matters. If you have an 8 yr old ds, then my guess is you are a bit more mature in attitude than some 25 year olds. We have been together for 15 years, married for the last 10 and have 5 dc. My husband was 46 when our last dc was born, I dont think of him as an 'older father'. Life doesnt work out perfect just because people are the same age when they marry. People change, people become ill, unfortunately people die young. Many of my friends have lost parents in various circumstances in recent years, but both dh parents are still alive. Without sounding trite, I firmly believe its the life in your years, not the years in your life that matters.

Same for my aunt and her partner, big age gap but they adored each other. And yes sadly she passed away before him, contrary to everyone's expectations. He's in his mid-70s now and still a very involved dad to their 2 kids who are early 20s.

I think age is irrelevant and you are very fortunate to have met someone you connect with so well.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

Why should age matter?

Oh and 49 is not old. Im 46 and still feel early 20's.

It is not age that is the barrier but your way of thinking.

Take the opportunity to be happy.

Well it wouldn't work for me but that's cos the guy would be almost 80

My best friend has been in a 13 year relationship with a guy who is 61 and she is 34 so there is a considerable age difference.

However, they make it work and it has only been in the last 2/3 years that the difference has been really felt - she is very fit and he now struggles to do the things she can do easily like ski all day etc.

DH is 13 years older than me I'm 40 hes 53 we've been together nearly 22 years, however when I was 16 I went out with and eventually moved in with a man of 44 when my dad found out he threatened to kill him and he meant it we fell out for about 3 years first of many fall outs wasn't until they found out I was with my now DH that they started speaking again.

The only problem I have ever seen with 'May to December' relationships is later on in life when, say, you get to 50 years old and he is in his 70's.

It's happened to a couple of people I know. She was still a relatively 'young' 50-something and age had taken it's toll on her 70-something husband. She got frustrated that he was 'old' and couldn't accept that there were certain things he couldn't do anymore.

They didn't split up, but it was a major bone of contention for a few years. Of course this could happen to anyone. People change, and some 70-somethings can still scale a wall

So yes, of course it can work! you just have to cross those bridges if or when you come to them..like all relationships really!

If you love each other and have such a wonderful "connection", and feel you want to be with him then go for it. None of us can predict our future (probably just as well!) but if you have the chance of great happiness now how would you feel if you didn't give it a chance? It's not as if you don't know him really well! As long as you are sure that even if you are lucky enough to be together for 20 years the "gap" won't bother you then you have nothing to worry about.

I wish you much happiness together.

It's not till you reach your 40's or 50's or whatever that you truly understand that you don't change that much, over the years.

I was 30 and went out with a man of 50. He was handsome, physically fit, mature (in a way that my former boyfriends were not!) and I found him hugely interesting and hilarious to be with.

We didn't stay together. I wanted to marry (not him per se) and have children. He was divorced and had kids in their early twenties....he wasn't up for it all again but, over the years from time to time, we have emailed. Nothing sinister, you understand, I am a happily married lady now with a young son but, I have been aware of him, over the years. He is now 69yrs old. He is still physically fit, and I would imagine, interesting and great company. He is retired from his job as a doctor but I know he does work abroad and lives now between Saudi and the Maldives.

My point is, age is not an issue if you have common goals. If you have that wonderful connection and it is love, don't get bogged down in the age thing.

Enjoy..........you may not get so lucky again!!

I spent twelve very happy years with a man thirty eight years older than me. It was wonderful and i don't regret it for a single second.

Our ages were never a problem for us, although other people took exception to them. It just worked for us. He made me very happy and we had three wonderful children together.

Sadly, he died when our daughter was just a few weeks old, but still, i don't regret a thing.

My DH is 23 years older than me and when I met him, I went through all the sound, logical reasons why I should just walk away, but I found I couldn't. I accept that I am likely to have a long widowhood, but my dad married a woman his own age and he's been a widower for over 30 years. There are no guarantees and I found I couldn't bear not to know how our story would end. No regrets so far, but maybe I should report back when I'm in my mid 50s and he's in his late 70s!

Hey DEEMENTED, I'm kinda gatecrashing here but remember your post about manshapes' son with Aspergers and the not being able to play football at lunchtime, thing.

How did it sort out for him?

My husband is 53 and I am 34. We have a 3 year old. Age doesn't matter to me and we are very happy.

They didn't. He's still being told if he doesn't want to be bullied he has to stay in at lunchtime. The school are standing fast on that one.

(sorry for the hijack, OP)

What's the problem? Dh is 20 years older than me, he was 46 when our first was born, 54 when #4 arrived.

He's fitter than many other blokes I know and has every intention of lasting for a very long time.

Go for it!