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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be furious about ex's new girlfriend

29 replies

bestmamaderwelt · 18/01/2011 21:09

Right so first post, hello :)
Help please, my ex and farther of my 4 year old is very much a part time father (at best). He often leaves it months with out contact. The last time it was around the two moth mark because he had met and moved in with his new girl fried. All with out telling me and hundreds of miles away.
I try to handle these situations sensitivity for my sons sake, so decided the best thing to do would be to drive my son the 2 hour journey. I made it very clear that it was to be a day for my son and his father to in theory get to know each other again.
All seemed great until my son came home distressed telling me 'daddy's new girlfriend had come' and asking did he have two mummys? Now where would a 4 year old get an idea like that from. I am furious, am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:

MintAeroBar · 18/01/2011 21:17

Well it depends on how serious their relationship is?

If it is a fling, then no, but if it is serious then you may have to contend with the fact that your ex might move in with her etc and she may be around for a while, iygwim?

MintAeroBar · 18/01/2011 21:20

Not saying the new mummy thing is good, btw, but she might become his step mum?

Just reassure him that he only has one MUMMY, but your ex may have a special friend.

If it is a fling, and not likely to be serious I would be concerned about loads of special friends being called step mummy and in and out of his life as that may be confusng.

I woudl probably ask your ex to keep it to just them until it is serious and likely to be long term.

I know with my dad I struggled with people I thought would be around for a while continually disappearing only to be replaced later.

Sorry, rambling and probably giving the wrong advice, but just my htoughts!

Someone more knowledgeable will be along later I am sure!

aPixieInMyCaramelLatte · 18/01/2011 21:22

How long have they been together? I think in the eye's of the court it has to be 6months before introducing the child to the new partner but even so YANBU.

Your ex could of at least made the effort to see his son alone first and prepare him for the meeting.

Original poster

bestmamaderwelt · 18/01/2011 21:23

Yes agree with all above points. Thing is they had been together only a month and i think i was more annoyed that he had bought her along for the first day out they had had in months. I just wanted them to...i dunno get to know each other again?

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rinabean · 18/01/2011 21:24

I think he's gone about this wrong, but also what's done is done. I was in your son's sitauation and when my dad was serious about my (now) stepmum he first talked about her, then she sent me a letter, then we met and then they got married. I think it's probably been a lot for your son to deal with in just one day but I also think you basically ignoring that she exists didn't help your son either. Just reassure him that you are his mummy and you'll ALWAYS be his mummy now in case she leaves and he worried about that.

Original poster

bestmamaderwelt · 18/01/2011 21:24

Thank you apixie, You kind of just said exactly what i had been thinking :)

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DreamTeamGirl · 18/01/2011 21:25

Maybe its best if he comes to you for the next visit

And yes just tell your sn he doesnt have 2 mummys, he has 1 mummy and Daddy has a friend

Original poster

bestmamaderwelt · 18/01/2011 21:28

rinabean when did i say i ignored her existence? my sons father never actually told me about his new girl friend, i had to figure it out on my own. I just wanted my son and his dad to have some 'quality time; (i know cheesy) together

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rinabean · 18/01/2011 21:29

You knew about it on the 2 hours drive, yes? That's how I'm reading your OP. If not then I've misunderstood.

Original poster

bestmamaderwelt · 18/01/2011 21:31

yes your right i did but having not spoken to my ex about it, as like i said he never had the balls to tell me. I had no idea how serious etc it was. And no idea they lved together! sorry didnt make it very clear. :)

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mommmmyof2 · 18/01/2011 21:33

Bless him, but yes I agree why would he think he has two mommy's? I would do what the other posts say and just tell him he only has one mommy and it is you.

But depending on how long they been in a relationship and the fact that he had not seen his son for ages you would have thought she would have maybe steared clear.

He should take more responsibility too, in alot of ways.

mommmmyof2 · 18/01/2011 21:36

And it is not cheesey to want your son to bond with his farther, you could sit back and think sod it! but you took a 2 hour journey while your ex was sitting pretty.

curlymama · 18/01/2011 21:38

YANBU, your ex is an arse. He should have prioritised spending time with his son, wanted to put him first, and devoted his time that day to focusing on his child. The girlfriend could have waited a day to have him back to herself.

I knew very early on after DH and I got together that he was the one I was going to marry, we had known eachother for a long time. My dc's live with me and I still managed to keep my then boyfriend away from my children in the first few months. There is no reason why any parent, especially one that sees their child so infrequently, couldn't do the same.

rinabean · 18/01/2011 21:38

Oh, ok, that makes it different. I thought you meant you'd guessed that she'd moved in with him. I don't know what else you can do but reassure your son. I was barely a year older than him and I still found the whole thing a bit confusing even when it was properly explained. But children are resilient and I'm sure he'll be ok. :)

Don't be too hard on the girlfriend for showing up because if this guy is like most bad fathers I bet he tells her that you don't let him see his son and all other kinds of crap and really he'd like to see him more and it's not his fault and blah blah blah. And she might stick around and be a good stepparent (at least better than the father) one day, you never know!

Original poster

bestmamaderwelt · 18/01/2011 21:43

Thank you all this is fab and very use full. I think your right rinabean she seems to be a calming influence. Its just such a shame it was all handles so insensitively and yes he in an arse!!!

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Tiredmumno1 · 18/01/2011 21:43

I think your ex should have had the decency to speak to you about it in an adult way first.

so you could both figure out how best to deal with the situation, and tried to agree when it was a good idea to introduce him to her, so it could be handled in a more delicate way.

your son is priority here not the feelings of the new girlfriend

madwomanintheattic · 18/01/2011 21:50

well, if he's moved in with her you have to assume it's a serious relationship. you need to explain to him he only has one mummy, but daddy's girlfriend could be his step mummy (and a bit of erxplaining what that means).

does he not have your son to stay over at weekends? couple of weeks in a year? i know you said he's been a bit p/t but not sure what your expectations are if he's going to be a more reliable fixture (ie take over some parenting on a regular basis). if you want him to be anything more than a 'once in a blue moon' father, it's likely that his son will be staying in his house - setting up 'his' bedroom etc etc. and it's only reasonable that his father's new partner is involved tbh.

i do understand that it's a bit of a shock, and you wanted it to be him and his dad, but to be honest, it sounds as though his dad is in a serious relationship now.

i think however you deal with it now will have long term consequences over your relationship with your xh and his new partner. if you want your xh to play a full part in his son's life, then maybe you need to take a deep breath and be positive about it, rather than negative? at least in front of your son and his father? you can be livid on mn etc, but important to get the new status quo set up in as adult a manner as possible now, or it will be impossible later.

you do need to explain the term 'step mum/ mother' to your son. without going to into lurid cinderella-esque details. it's not an unreasonable term for your xh to have used to describe the relationship between his son and his new partner, if he believes it is a life-long relationship.

Original poster

bestmamaderwelt · 18/01/2011 21:58

Like i said they had been together a month. I'm a reasonable person but it would be a fairy tale to know your going to spent the rest of your life with some one you've known a month. I would love for my son to have a proper relationship with his dad. It has never been me who put sanctions on it but him, who doesn't turn up or even contact his son for months and moves hours away with out even having told me!

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candlebythewindow · 18/01/2011 22:03

YANBU. my son's father is now refusing to see our son until he "gets him" for a whole weekend to stay at his house, with his GF who LO has never met. the last time he bothered to see him was a year ago, before that there was abotu 6 months in between contact. he is effectively a stranger. but because he has a GF he wants to push for a "family"... argh.

YANBU! definitely!

Tiredmumno1 · 18/01/2011 22:03

i think its a bit soon to be having a stepmummy talk, they have now only met once, and if your ex and the girlfriend have only been together a month, then it really is to soon.

i agree with the special friend chat, thats all he needs to know right now

Tiredmumno1 · 18/01/2011 22:04

i think its a bit soon to be having a stepmummy talk, they have now only met once, and if your ex and the girlfriend have only been together a month, then it really is to soon.

i agree with the special friend chat, thats all he needs to know right now

madwomanintheattic · 18/01/2011 22:34

but if his dad has already introduced the term 'step mummy' then as a mother you have to explain what that means. it's already been introduced.

tbh, it's frustrating, but if his dad has moved in with his new partner, (in however a short a term) and is talking in those terms, then you can't ignore it. or disagree, really.

all you can do to provide the best possible background for your son is to accept that that is how his father sees his new relationship, and act accordingly. if they split up a month down the road, then you can do that 'oh, dear, daddy and x aren't living together anymore, that's a shame' and stress the constancy of your son's relationship with you and his father.

'special friend' would be ok, and you can refer to her in those terms in your house, but if his dad is using other terms, you need to explain them.

mommmmyof2 · 18/01/2011 23:04

I would personally sort out the fact that your ex was even usung the phrase step mommy in the first place!
Instead of having a chat with your little boy, you should have a long chat to him who needs to get a grip and be a farther to his son.
Good luck to them if it does last but me personally would not like my dc referring to any woman as step mommy after meeting only once.

Original poster

bestmamaderwelt · 18/01/2011 23:06

I started my new relationship just before my ex did and i always assumed its best not to introduce and let your child get attached to some one before your 100% sure. and even though most of us think its gonna be an amazing fairytale surly we are are old enough to know that might not happen? Should we as parents make sure our children don't get attached to some one who might not be sticking around? at least that's how i saw it and so still haven't introduced my son to my new boyf.

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Original poster

bestmamaderwelt · 18/01/2011 23:08

mommyof2 i think thats the bit that upset me most. It just seems so unjuat, hes hardly even a daddy let alone her a mummy!

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