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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to have offered the inlaws a cup of tea?

68 replies

bluejeans · 18/01/2011 20:49

DH's family like to pop in without ringing first (live locally). None of my family and friends do this and it still annoys me after all the time we've been together. DH thinks I'm uptight if I complain about it. I usually suddenly remember some washing that needs hanging up etc and leave DH and DD to entertain them. Don't have a great relationship with MIL at the best of times as she can be controlling and bossy.

So tonight DH is out (which to be fair they wouldn't've known) and DD is at Guides. It's rare for me to have the house to myself so was making the most of it by slobbing on the sofa with MN, crap tv in the background and some leftovers from one of DDs Xmas selection boxes.

It really freaked me out as they just walked in the front door and MIL came in and plonked herself on the sofa. Actually got a bit of a fright, I guess as I was so absorbed in MN relaxed so think I was quite rude to them. Jumped out of my seat and sort of hovered instead of inviting them in/offering them a drink. FIL stood awkwardly in the doorway. They ended up going after about 5 minutes muttering something about 'just a quick visit' but TBH they would've stayed all evening given a chance

I've now got the house to myself again but feel a bit guilty for being rude so obviously rude to them

I'm sort of hoping they won't feel welcome and it might make them phone first next time. But MIL is so thick skinned I doubt it. She's never taken a hint before!

I'm probably over reacting by starting a thread about it but it really annoyed me. Maybe I'm just mad cos they caught me surrounded by chocolate wrappers when I'm meant to be on a diet?

OP posts:

ledkr · 18/01/2011 22:11

"furious wanking session" pmsl
I am having probs with pil treating my house and hospitality like a free holidsy,am trying to place a few boundaries (cos as usual dh wont do it)before baby is born next week so i h1ave stopped waiting on them hand and foot and making delicious meals all the time,i even asked them to make up the spare bed last week as dh was at work.So dont think yabu at all cant always be at their bec and call especially with all that chocolate to tidy away.

begonyabampot · 18/01/2011 22:16

Lock the door in future but think you were very rude.

My family, rarely locks their doors and we usually just walk in if the door is open (maybe a quick knock on entering).

With my parents, I lived in that house for a long time - it would be weird to knock and wait for them to answer. I do the same with my in - laws and sister and my husband does the same. I think it is weird to have to book an appointment to visit all the time or to knock the door and wait to be admitted when it is such close family. It can be annoying to have unnanounced visitors and I keep my door locked anyway because of safety and the kids can't wander out but I still think you were rude.

We are scottish though and don't seem to have the dame reservations about these things as I have found in england (obviously don't know your nationality).

xkittyx · 18/01/2011 22:20

I'm Scottish and I'd be less than pleased if my in-laws just dropped in! My DP also knocks when we go and see his parents.
I'm a fan of boundaries.

Original poster

bluejeans · 18/01/2011 22:25

begonya I'm Scottish too and so are my inlaws!

See DH thinks the same as you and thinks I'm uptight. My parents are like me though, and I think it's rubbed off on me. I think it's also partly my personality - I'm quite a private person so even if it was my own family/good friend I wouldn't really want them turning up like that.

OP posts:

mawbroon · 18/01/2011 22:28

My ILs drop in unannounced during the day sometimes. They do a quick knock and then come in. I am fine with that because there are always dc around and it's not like I would be doing any of the afore mentioned things.

But, they would never appear unannounced in the evenings, for which I am grateful. And, the door is locked in the evenings anyway.

begonyabampot · 18/01/2011 22:30

i'd only be annoyed TBH as I'd probably be caught out with the house looking like a tip. maybe I need more unnannouced visitors - the house might be kept a bit tidier - just on the off chance!

NellieForbush · 18/01/2011 22:31

that they let themselves in like that. What if you had been doing some naked yoga or something? They were the rude ones not you. Perhaps they'll think twice now.

Original poster

bluejeans · 18/01/2011 22:35

The thing is because of my behaviour they probably think I'd shoved a man in the wardrobe or something!

OP posts:

cat64 · 18/01/2011 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

bluejeans · 18/01/2011 22:56

Cat64 my DD is a total hoarder of chocolate. I can only steal it when she is out! At least it means she hopefully won't end up overweight like her mother. I always ate all my chocolate straight away as a kid. I was skinny then but it's caught up with me since!

OP posts:

olderandwider · 19/01/2011 12:23

YANBU. I cherish my privacy and would absolutely hate anyone walking through my front door uninvited. Surprise visits are another matter. It can be lovely when someone drops by unexpectedly, unless you're busy giving birth or something .

MadamDeathstare · 19/01/2011 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quenelle · 19/01/2011 12:34

YANBU

If they turn up unannounced they have to expect that sometimes you're not in the mood a position to entertain them. You could have been a lot ruder than to just not offer a cup of tea.

And definitely lock the door in future.

coco2901 · 19/01/2011 12:42

I'm scottish too and my inlaws do this- I hate it!!! My family never turn up unannounced...

mummytime · 19/01/2011 12:47

Six months after we moved last time, the kids were playing in the garden and I was in the study "working", when suddenly a strange man appeared. He was a cousin of the previous occupants, and somehow they hadn't told him they had moved. He had just walked in the back gate, wondered at the strange children and walked all the way through the house.

For my own relatives I would have probably offered a cup of tea, but also definitely locked the door and asked them to warn me next time.

jellybeans · 19/01/2011 12:50

We had exactly this with MIL. She refused to call first and said why should she make an appointment, it was HER son (DH) after all!!We tried saying we liked to have a tidy house when visitors come and she said, 'that is OK we don't come to see the house!'

In the end we decided we needed our privacy and we were entitled to it in our own home. We don't like visitors who call in unless they are the sort who are happy if they can't come in if we are busy etc (MIL wasn't and didn't accept that we may have plans/have friends round or be going out and went in a huff if we said sorry but we can't invite you in). It's also harder to have spot visitors in your home if they are rude (like my MIL) and you aren't comfortable with them. Different, perhaps, if they get on well with you and respect you.

After a while MIL got the message and began calling but it was a long slog and she told everyone that she needed to make appointments to see her precious son! After a long few years we actually got on alot better and tolerate each other but this is 15 years later!!! I don't think that would have happened had we not set the 'ground rules' for our own home early on.

My advice is to get your DH to tell them they need to call first, even if they are on their way over. That way you can say if it is not suitable. Just tell them you are very busy and it is best to arrange a mutually inconveinient time. OR call it at theirs unannounced and at awkward times. My MIL was topless once in the garden
!! I don't think she was best pleased to see us! That type don't seem to like it when you do it to them yet they can do it to you!!

jellybeans · 19/01/2011 12:54

' I think it is weird to have to book an appointment to visit all the time or to knock the door'

I think that the key is, YOU think it is weird but everyone is different and you need to be able to respect that your ILs may well not have the same views as yourself. So if the IL or other family member or friend wants privacy then that is perfectly OK too. It is not rude it is just different to what you like. Everyone is entitled to their own rules in their own home, surely.

gramercy · 19/01/2011 12:58

Dh's brother and wife used to live in a very convenient city centre town house. When they were first married sil used to come home from work at least once a week and find the pil sitting down eating their own tea which they had prepared after an afternoon at the shops.

Sil insisted that she and bil moved house and that pil were not issued with keys. It took mil at least ten years to get over it.

monkeyflippers · 19/01/2011 13:05

oh my god I would have had a heart attack if someone just walked into my house! What if you were naked!

It sounds like she still thinks of her children as children without the need for privacy of their own. You know like when your children are little and you can just walk into their bedrooms and then as they get older you start having to knock (cos who knows what they might be doing!). Sounds like that just never happened.

I think turnig up at your house without calling is one thing but walking straight in is another!

That she doesn't respect the fact that you might be on your way out shows that she has no respect for her children and their families as being individuals with lives of their own.

I thought it was funnt that you turned up at hers and she was topless. Maybe you should turn up like that more often. Give her a taste of her own medicine.

monkeyflippers · 19/01/2011 13:06

gramercy - good for your SIL!

eaglewings · 19/01/2011 13:09

I think your behavior was fine. No need to offer a drink unless you wanted to share one with them.

You didn't tell them to leave which might have been rude.

My dad has a key to the house but he knows to ring first before using it. he has one in case we are locked out and so the dogs don't bark when he arrives.

(do double lock front door if it's my dh's day off sometime though)

Don't think you will change their behaviour though.

Porcelain · 19/01/2011 13:13

Even though people have different levels that they find acceptable, walking into your house unannounced is just plain rude.

Personally I like to know in advance, I'm a bit set in my ways and it jars when I am in the middle of something and someone turns up. I don't expect an appointment booked, but "we might pop over tomorrow afternoon" or a quick call on their way over works for me. I can handle it if someone just turns up though, and I understand that for a lot of people that is OK.

Walking in uninvited, and not just walking in, poking their head around the door and asking if it is OK to come in, but plonking themselves on the sofa like they live there is very rude.

If on a future occasion, you happen to spot them approaching the door, I suggest you strip off and start naked yoga straightaway.

monkeyflippers · 19/01/2011 13:22

It does sound though like they might have felt uncomfortable, so you never know they might have felt uncomfortable enough to not do it again.

If they do then naked yoga as suggested by Porcelain.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 19/01/2011 13:24

YANBU it is YOUR house not theirs. Tell your DH that you don't care if he thinks it's uptight, it is your home just as much as it's his and you don't want people barging in unannounced.

I have the keys to several friends houses (and they have mine) and we all have a bit of a knock & enter type thinking - but unless we were expecting one another none of us would just open the door and appear in the sitting room....

It is just RUDE - it's a shame actually that you weren't ... um... having a bit of 'private time' that would have put an end to them just dropping in

cantgetlaidingermany · 19/01/2011 13:27

YANBU....I don't mind people popping over, but I would be annoyed if they just came in without knocking to let me know they were there.

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