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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that the most important thing we can equip our children with is resiliance and some parents need to GET A GRIP!!

32 replies

alfiesmadmother · 18/01/2011 13:33

I am sick to the back teeth of parents at school hovering around their children in the classrom, posting on Facebook things like 'My poor DD is so upset she fell out with her friend I find this so painful'! or 'I wish I could bear the pain and upset at school for my children.'

You are doing your children NO FAVOURS!!

Let your children be!!!!! Your child is 10 years old he does not want Mummy fighting his battles for him.

Grrrrr.

OP posts:
bupcakesandcunting · 18/01/2011 13:35

Yeah but it is still a shitter when your kids are upset. I wouldn't fight my son's battle for him; I am going to train him to be a champion headbutter. I would still be :( if he came home sad though. So...

YABU.

GetOrfMoiLand · 18/01/2011 13:37

Hmm.

I see your point with facebook morons, but when your children are unhappy (seriously) it cuts like an absolute knife.

My dd was badly bullied a couple of years ago. By your reckoning I should have left her there, she would have coped with it and ended up equipped with life skills Hmm. As it was i thought there was no way I was going to have that, and worked my arse off to firstly try and make things better with teh school, and when that didn't work to move her.

Original poster
alfiesmadmother · 18/01/2011 13:42

I am not talking about bullying.

But sadness/upset/conflict are facts of life . Sometimes adult intervention is needed, sure.

What I can't bear are parents going in, taking their childs coat off for them...at 6 or 7 years old.

Of course I get upset as much as the next person when my children are upset, but I would rather say I know you are upset but rise above it and focus on so and so, or just focus on who your friends are. Not oh baby Mummy will make this all better, I will go and talk to the head because somebody left you out of a game even though you are 10 years old!

OP posts:
unhappyshopper · 18/01/2011 13:45

Falling out with friends is not bullying. I am rather Hmm about what constitutes bullying these days. It seems to encompass anything that might make the child cry if you read what some parents write.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 18/01/2011 13:48

I suppose it's about balance. I try and let my kids be independent/fight their battles up to a point but will intervene if the situation deteriorates and a bit of support/encouragement /strong arm tactics are needed. Every child and situation is different. My biggest fear is that any of my DC's will turn out like BIL. MIL has fought every battle ever for him and continues to do so......HE IS 34 !!! He is NT but his mother does everything for him and lets him behave like a spoilt 6 year old! Sometimes children do need to learn coping strategies for difficult circumstances but sometimes they need us to be their safety net.

Bonsoir · 18/01/2011 13:49

I agree with the OP that lots of children these days are wrapped up in cotton wool with parents who behave like nursemaids and domestic servants. It's cruel and pointless.

But obviously bad bullying and serious unhappiness must be dealt with, too.

feggyart · 18/01/2011 13:50

My oldest is 12 now and I have learnt not to fight their battles

I blush at some of the squabbles I have intervened in. YANBU

(Bullying of course is different)

Litchick · 18/01/2011 13:53

I hear you OP.

Life is tough out there and set to get tougher. Competition is stiff.

We need our kids to be seriously resilient.
And we need to help them become that.

They need to know that you can't get everything right first time. That you can't be good at everything.That not everyone in life will adore you. That we all fail. And that it doesn't matter.

Original poster
alfiesmadmother · 18/01/2011 13:55

YES!!!

And not to put your head down, hold it up and carry on!!!

OP posts:
FooffyShmoofer · 18/01/2011 13:58

If your child has a problem in school that you feel has gone too far and that the child just cannot manage or resolve themselves then YABU to having a problem with a parent making the decsion to handle it themselves.

HOWEVER, YANBU at having a problem with them pasting it all over Facebook. These are the same people who post about how much they love being 'a mum' and those crappy c+p posts to prove it.

If my DS(8) knew I was posting on Facebook about his issues at school he would be mortified and quite rightly so.

These are women who feel the need to prove how much they love their kids through FB and that nobody could possibly be a more caring mother than they.

It's very upsetting to see your child distressed in any way but posting it up for all to see is..a bit shit really [eloquent emoticon]

( has a girl crush on Bupcakes Blush but also thinks she's a bit scary)

Chandon · 18/01/2011 13:58

I know.

I would love to fight my DS1's battles (8) but have decided only to step in if there is bullying going on.

Kids have to learn.

Life is unfair sometimes.

can I go and give him a hug now ?

MillyR · 18/01/2011 14:01

I agree that children have to learn in life that not everyone will be nice to them, not everyone will like them, and that they will sometimes fail.

But I'm their mother, and to me they are perfect, I will always love them and I will never see them as a failure. I will always be on their side. How your family treats you is a very different thing to how the world treats you.

Unconditional love creates resilience.

Your own parents joining in with a school of hard knocks approach creates fear, insecurity, anger and repression.

Litchick · 18/01/2011 14:01

Parents keeping their children off sports day etc because they might do badly.

Parents telling their kids that everything they do is genius.

Why??????

MargaretGraceBondfield · 18/01/2011 14:03

My two oldest are 14 mths apart. DS2 can fight his own battles, stick up for himself and has razor sharp wit (he's 7) and I have witnessed him being punched by a much older boy, he didn't cry, he gritted his teeth and said with enormous venom that if the boy did it again he would punch him back and make him cry until the end of the training.....which worked. However DS1 let's people walk all over him, rough boys pull him about, a 'friend' taps his head all the time...it's very hard not to egt involved as DS1 smiles awkwardly, but stepping in will make things worse, I know. He needs to be assertive and use his own language to stop it all.

DD1 is never going to have any issues, she's so confident and ds3 is the same.

What can/do you do as a parent when your 8 yr old won't stick up for himself?

FooffyShmoofer · 18/01/2011 14:12

Margaret your DS1 could be mine. We have the same dilemma. What DO you do?

We also have the conversation "Did you tell the Teacher?"

"Well no cos she was busy/Talking/ sorting someone else/we aren't allowed to interupt. (pick any of the above)

The one time he got extremely angry (friend hitting him on the head) he gave the child an almighty shove, child fell backwards onto the ground and what do you know MY child got in trouble.

It's not always as cut and dried as it appears from the outside.

Abr1de · 18/01/2011 14:12

I feel better now about making my daughter go to a training session last night even though she begged me not to make her as she'd fallen out with all her friends. I told her to tough it out and act as though she didn't care.

I braced myself for her to return sullen and scowling but she was fine.

bupcakesandcunting · 18/01/2011 14:18

I'm not scary foofy.

C'mere!

Original poster
alfiesmadmother · 18/01/2011 14:22

Obviously sometimes you intervene if it involves physical violence or verbal torment. I agree with Millie too.

OP posts:
FooffyShmoofer · 18/01/2011 14:24

Blush Aw Thanks. Your just a big ole' fiesty headbutting Teddybear Grin

GandalfyCarawak · 18/01/2011 14:27

YABU.

Children should learn to be independent, fight their own battles etc, but the facebook statuses you have listed do not give any indication that the parents are doing anything to intervene. You're basically annoyed that they care a bit too much.

MargaretGraceBondfield · 18/01/2011 18:12

So without meaning to hijack, what do you do if your child won't stick up for themselves...not being bullied.

liquiditytrap · 18/01/2011 18:18

YANBU

It is really not equipping them for the real world, where not everything is arranged to their convenience. Not everyone is your best friend all the time, or even that interested in you. People need self-confidence and independence in order to not care what people think of them and to be an attractive prospect as a friend.

Olivetti · 18/01/2011 18:18

YANBU, especially regarding the facebook statuses. I cannot for the life of me see why people post things like "loves her kids so much she would die for them" - what do you want, a medal?! Well done you for loving your own kids, blah blah.

JamieLeeCurtis · 18/01/2011 18:21

Does this all boil to some people being FB wallies?

OldMumsy · 18/01/2011 18:23

I agree OP, the parents job is to guide the child to ultimately live independantly. This is done incrementally, starting from quite a young age, they always know you are there if they get really stuck but they should be encouraged to stand on their own two feet. I think it's cruel to encourage dependancy and it's often because the parent is scared of not being needed.

And Facebook parents, bleeeh, almost as bad as bloody Farmville!

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