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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to hate when parents do this?

56 replies

meantosay · 18/01/2011 12:26

I was at a friend's house for dinner last night. It was a group of old college friends and we always have a great time together catching up. The friend hosting has a ten year old ds and a twelve year old dd. When we all arrived they came in and chatted to us for a while and we asked them all about school etc. Then they 'escaped' back to the toom with the telly with some sweets we had brought them.

However, when we sat down for dinner their mum said 'DS and DD, stop watching telly and come in and chat to us' (they had eaten earlier). So, instead of having a nice girls night catch up we had to have a polite, suitable for the children conversation.

AIBU to hate when parents plonk their children into the middle of what is meant to be an adult occasion?

OP posts:

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 18/01/2011 12:56

YANBU - you had all already chatted with the kids, the kids had had their dinner and were happily watching TV - the only reason for her to make them come and talk to you again was to continue showing them off.

If they had come in of their own accord, fair enough for a little while, but then it's bed time/buggering off to your own room time.

You don't have to go out of your own home to have adult conversation! Some of you are a wee bit odd

RedHeels - I see children as people - I just don't want to socialise with them all the time, same as if the neighbours had popped in uninvited - they wouldn't be welcome to join in at that time either.

AngelicaDemonica · 18/01/2011 12:58

swanandduck- they'd feel nervous because often guests who think that it's going to be an adult only thing can make them that way. I've seen it in friends houses.

swanandduck · 18/01/2011 12:59

How would guests make a child feel nervous by chatting to them and then leaving them off to watch telly??

Personally, I think it's yet another example of how some parents do not understand that everyone else is not as fascinated by their children as they themselves are and bore everyone by constantly parading them around for admiration.

Housemum · 18/01/2011 13:11

Seems odd to ask them to come in for conversation - we do it the other way round, DD1 (17) has eaten with us for the last few years when friends come round, then excused herself to go and play computer games/watch TV/whatever while we all sit and chat. (The younger ones will have already eaten and gone to bed).

If she had already eaten, I would expect her to come and be polite for 10 mins, then go and do whatever she wanted. Which would not be join in our conversations!

Rapaccioli · 18/01/2011 13:13

I agree with ChippingInSCF.

Inviting a 10 and a 12 year old to join in an adult conversation when those adults were dinner guests sounds rather precious to me.

unhappyshopper · 18/01/2011 13:16

they'd feel nervous because often guests who think that it's going to be an adult only thing can make them that way. I've seen it in friends houses

I still dont understand how they would feel 'nervous'. Perhaps the guests dont want to make conversation past a polite hello with friends children. Just like pet animals, just because their family is interested in them, children shouldnt assume that everyone else is going to make a huge fuss of them.

2blessed2bstressed · 18/01/2011 13:29

My kids are definitely people, but I don't encourage them to hang around when my friends are over and we're chatting. After the inital "Hello 2blessedjr, what mayhem have you been involved in today?" "none, it wasn't me, a big boy did it and ran away, you know the score, wanna see my hairy winkie auntie Claire?" then they are sent off to the family room or their bedrooms for some improving reading or alternatively chatting with their own friends.
I don't think the kids need to be out of the house for us to relax, but neither are my friends scary enough to make my kids nervous when they're here.

AngelicaDemonica · 18/01/2011 13:50

unhappyshopper - We like to play rock music and party when friends are in (No neighbours close enough to be bothered by it). I think that might wake the kids up lol

And it is my experience that children who are around my friend's houses when parties for the grown ups are going on DO feel nervous and unhappy at having to sit in their rooms all night.

It's just not something I'd do either to my kids or to my friends.

Bucharest · 18/01/2011 13:55

Hate going to my college friends' for this reason...it's a once a year meet up and we sit there, smiling at each other, while their 3 sullen teens sit between us texting and sighing loudly at everything one of us gimmers says.

Haven't had a proper conversation with said friends since their children were tiny.

Megatron · 18/01/2011 14:02

YABU. It's fine for you to have things the way you want in your house but as it was in someone else's house, it's kind of up to them.

Actually I prefer my kids to be doing something else when we have folk round for dinner but that's my choice in my home. I wouldn't presume everyone would think the same.

hifi · 18/01/2011 14:08

yanbu,it really annoys me when this happens.i see a friend twice a year to catch up but she includes the kids in everything.
her son talks none stop about crap and she thinks its entertaining.

RedHeels · 18/01/2011 14:11

ChippingIn and 2blessed - obviously children are people, I rather meant that some parents see their kids as equal partners for conversation in most situations, even those including their adult friends. Not saying it's right or wrong, was just trying to find an explanation for the situation that the OP described.

containher · 18/01/2011 14:23

YANBU. It seems some parents forget that they aren't there to be best mates with their kids and include them in every aspect of their lives including a catch up with female friends. They need to be parents to them. Children should have their own friends to socalize with. There are times when it is appropriate to include the children and times shen it is not. Next time invite everyone to yours, that way you can lead by example and say something really subtle like " oh how nice it is, to have the room full of my friends for adult conversation, and LOOK no children are here, they are watching the telly- isn't that lovely, now we can all have a good gossip, without having to censor what we say". YANBU

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 18/01/2011 14:26

Well anyone who sees their 10 & 12 year olds as equal partners for conversation either needs to get out more or get help. I'm happy to say it's wrong

VictoriousBeckham · 18/01/2011 14:41

My children are, of course, lovely, but after a quick chat they are sent away to play. I see them all the flaming time. And my friends don't want to spend the evening watching their language and listening to very looooong Pokemon stories (Yes, Son number 2, I mean you).

I certainly wouldn't want other children hanging around all evening. Very boring. I want to drink swear relax with friends not entertain small people.

YANBU

minxofmancunia · 18/01/2011 14:53

YANBU, it equates for me with the scenario of going round to your friends for a cuppa and a catch up and they spend the whole time attending to and chasing round after their little darlings and you're sat there like a spare part. These are the children who aren't able to play alone/sort themselves out as they've had devoted mummy hovering round them like a helicopter from day 1 proving their worth and boosting their own self esteeem by making out what a mega mummy they are as they do non stop cognitively enhancing activites with their dcs.

Cannot be doing with it.

dd is only 4 but when her friends come round they are in the dining/play room only or her bedroom. If they get under my feet in the kitchen or living room they're told firmly to do one. A couple of them are really really adult dependent and just follow me round pestering because they can't play imaginatively, OR they expect to spend the whole time watching tv. So TBH I don't really invite them much. I've got enough to do without someone elses dc expecting me to do "activities".

Sorry rant over, one of particular bugbears.

unhappyshopper · 18/01/2011 15:03

We like to play rock music and party when friends are in (No neighbours close enough to be bothered by it). I think that might wake the kids up lol

And it is my experience that children who are around my friend's houses when parties for the grown ups are going on DO feel nervous and unhappy at having to sit in their rooms all night*

Again, big difference between loud music and a lot of noise, and a civilised dinner party with chat during and afterwards.

I am not knocking you for the loud music.. I think in those circumstances it is better that the kids are away for the night.

I have in the past gone back to a friends house to am after pub house party and while loud music is blaring out, drunken idiots traipsing up and down the stairs, etc.. heard the houseowner say "oh dont go in the front bedroom.. thats where the kids are"... ffs... I would imagine kids would be terrified to wake up and come looking for their parent to be confronted with that scene, never mind nervous.

Original poster

meantosay · 18/01/2011 15:12

Thanks for all the replies. I am glad I'm not the only one who thinks it's unnecessary to include your kids in everything, just because they live in the house. I wonder will my friend expect to be allowed sit in with them and their friends when they're teenagers or will she realise that, now they're nearly adults, they expect to be given a bit of privacy when their mates come around.

OP posts:

MungBeans · 18/01/2011 15:20

I know exactly what you mean.

As much as I love them, when I am with them I am 'on duty' and in Mummy mode. I don't mean I'm not myself around my DC's, of course I am, but I wouldn't let my hair down in the same way as when they're not there. Having said that, this was in their home and I wouldn't feel comfortable banishing my kids for the whole evening, not that they'd want to sit with me and my loud friends anyway

My DD once got invited for a last minute sleepover. The next day she told me they'd been banished to the friends bedroom all night from about 6pm and DD had only been invited over to keep the friend company during her exile (parents were having a dinner party). I was pretty pissed off because I was under the impression DD had been invited as a guest, not merely a way of keeping their DD in her room all night.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 18/01/2011 15:26

The children were 10 and 12 not 2 and 4. Presumably she would like them to learn how to behave in social situations rather than requesting they be seen and not heard and then expecting them to be paragons when wheeled out in public. Where better to learn these things than in your own home. What you haven't told us is how they did behave? Although I daresay you'd tell us they were brats even if they weren't.

Deaddei · 18/01/2011 15:26

I regularly have the girls round for a few bottles, and there is no way the dcs aged 11 and 14 would be around.
They generally open the door for me, try and nab a few crisps, and are in bed by 9.
Can't understand why you'd want them at an adult time.

swanandduck · 18/01/2011 15:30

I don't think children should be banished to their room during dinner parties (unless its bedtime) but I do think they could leave the adults one room to themselves to chat in. Its not unreasonable. If a friend calls over for a natter with me, my dh would pop his head around the door to say 'hello, how are things' and then watches football with a beer finds something else to do around the house. Why cn earth can't kids do the same. It's not a hardship to go and watch telly in the other room.

Original poster

meantosay · 18/01/2011 15:34

Gwen

What a nasty remark. They were not brats as it happens. They were bored and embarassed and we were seriously curtailed in what we could talk about. We certainly weren't going to discuss our problems or former boyfriends or how drunk we used to get at college parties in front of two children. So basically everyone was bored.

I was never allowed sit in at my parents dinner parties and I am not some unsocialised savage. I do however know that when you invite your friends over without their children for a night time meal your children don't have to be part of it.

OP posts:

togarama · 18/01/2011 15:40

YABU to expect your friend to keep the kids out of the way in their own home (unless she had agreed to do this). But YANBU to wish she had done. Why not go out somewhere next time so they definitely won't be around?

Your friend was also BU to call them in when I've no doubt they would rather have been watching TV and left to their own devices.

MungBeans · 18/01/2011 15:46

Yes, that's the bit I find strange - that she called them in. Mine wouldn't want to join me and my friends and would rather be off watching a DVD or something.

Just to clarify, when I said about not being comfortable banishing the children - I meant not allowing them to come downstairs at all. I'll happily send mine off to another room but they know they're welcome to come and get drinks etc.unless it's past bedtime.

It's the same when they have their friends over actually - they wouldn't want me joining them for the evening

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