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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be sceptical of the sudden increase in friends who "would love to pop over for a visit"...

51 replies

YeahBut · 18/01/2011 10:34

...now that we've moved to Australia.
Disclaimer: I am very welcoming and hospitable, just don't like being taken for a mug!
Seriously, the number of people that we've not seen / heard from for years that have got in touch saying "I'm planning on travelling around Australia and wouldn't it be great to catch up?!" Wouldn't it be great to cadge free bed and board rather than fork out for a hotel is more like it.
I don't run the local B&B or Holiday Inn.
We've just had dh's family to stay for a month over Christmas (which was lovely and they all pitch in to help) and my parents are coming over in a couple of months for a 4 week stay. In the last few weeks we've had three different people get in touch out of the blue trying to angle (none to subtly) for a place to crash.
Just had to email an old uni acquaintance back saying "Great to catch up. Let us know where you're staying - we've got family staying then so we've no room."
Reply went something like, "Oh.... well, do you know any other cheap and cheerful places we could stay in instead?"

OP posts:

new2cm · 18/01/2011 10:37

as well at the "Oh.... well, do you know any other cheap and cheerful places we could stay in instead?"

Big Hug to you.

Nancy66 · 18/01/2011 10:41

You just have to put your foot down.

We lived in NY for a while and there was a period when we had people EVERY weekend for about three months. Once you start saying 'no' it gets a lot easier.

We just had an 'immediate family only rule' and after one lot left we had to have at least six weeks inbetween the next ones arriving.

madrush · 18/01/2011 10:42

Do I know you? I'm sure you're very nice and I'd love to come and see you.

They're all just jealous that you've made such a fab move. Nothing wrong with saying you don't have space for them to stay but you'd love to meet for dinner one night or something.

I've been to Aus a couple of times and did look up old acquaintances just because it seems a shame not to while you're there. I wouldn't have dreamed of staying with them though!

KerryMumbles · 18/01/2011 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missorinoco · 18/01/2011 10:45

That could be a good way to put it. "Sorry, we aren't free to have you to stay, but it would be lovely to meet up." That way you get to test out whether they wanted to see you or just your guestroom facilities.

Original poster

YeahBut · 18/01/2011 10:47

madrush
I love seeing people who are passing through, I just don't like every other Tom, Dick and Harry who's ever sat next to me on a bus using me as a cheap holiday.

OP posts:

Original poster

YeahBut · 18/01/2011 10:50

Also had people rather put out with us for not being able to put them up because they had already booked flights!
Seriously, who does that?!

OP posts:

KerryMumbles · 18/01/2011 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goingspare · 18/01/2011 10:54

Ah, darn it, we were right. A couple of years ago we made a firm resolution that this was to be the year we definitely caught up with some old friends in Kent. Then they moved to France, and we were too embarrassed to say that we would like to visit.

They've been there a while now, do you think it would be acceptable to ask if we could pitch our tent nearby this summer (we would like to see them before we lose touch altogether)?

nannynobnobs · 18/01/2011 10:55

Pretty easy to weed out the spongers by saying "It'd be good to see you, once you let us know where you're staying we can see how near to us you are" or somesuch. Then silently wait for the stammering "Oh, er..." :o
My uncle has just moved overseas (Sri Lanka) and made it quite clear that he expects us to go over to stay there with him, in their huge apartment, for free. That is the only situation where it is acceptable!

Original poster

YeahBut · 18/01/2011 10:56

Goingspare, that would depend on whether you have spoken to them more than once in the last six years (a la "cheap places to stay" friend.)

OP posts:

Goingspare · 18/01/2011 11:01

Yes, Yeahbut, we've just about managed that, and they did say we must come over in their Christmas card (but you would, wouldn't you?). Well presumably you wouldn't any more .

By pitching our tent, I mean on a local campsite, so we could meet up on the beach, rather than in their back garden with us popping in for showers and breakfast.

new2cm · 18/01/2011 11:13

"Seriously, who does that?!"

A few unfortunately but you are not alone.

My parents have a holiday home on a popular island in France, and they often had people inviting themselves over. When my parents lived in England (they have now reitred to said holiday home) quite a few people would say to them, "It would be good to see you in France". My mum's response was, "why? You get to see me daily here in (name of town)".

However, the one occasion that REALLY rattled my mum was when a family of 4 (whom we barely knew) invited themselves to our holiday home. At the time, I was 8 or 9 years old. The first we knew about the family coming over was when the taxi driver (who knew us well) stopped me in the street (I was riding my bike, having just been to the 'Boulangerie') and said, "is your mum at home to pay the fare? They don't have the change" looking towards the back of the taxi.

I looked over the taxi driver's shoulder to see the family, who all smiled back at me. Anyway, when I got home, there was an almighty arguement between my dad and mum. Mum was insisting that the family should book themselves into a hotel. Dad was trying to calm her down saying, "it's only for a few days". And yes, mum and dad did pay the taxi fare. The family did stay for 3 days (3 days of hell for them) because my mum refused to play host.

I think for the uninvited family, the last straw was on the morning of the 3rd day. The family were setting off to the beach, when the father/husband asked my mum, "when do you want us back for lunch?" My mum replied, "up to you. Back in time for whenever you intend to make your own lunch!"

They left the next day. Word must have got round because never again did my parents get uninvited guests.

whatdoiknowanyway · 18/01/2011 11:39

We went to Australia to visit friends but insisted on getting our own accomodation on the grounds that whilst we wanted to see them very much we wanted to remain friends. We had a great time. Much better than if we had been living on top of them all the time.

Original poster

YeahBut · 18/01/2011 12:36

Going. Actually, if they've said they'd like you to come over, that's different. I'm sure they'd really like you to visit.

Kerry, they most certainly didn't ask DH who is even more mardy annoyed about the freeloaders coming out of the woodwork than I am.

I'm just a bit fed up of people who weren't that interested in keeping in touch with us suddenly deciding we are bezzie mates now that we've moved somewhere nice. It's a bit insulting that they don't think I can see why they want to "visit" - we'd be a cheap place to stay while they're on their tour. Then they have the nerve to be put out because we can't (and increasingly won't!) accommodate them.

new2cm at the uninvited family. I'm also a bit in love with your mum!

OP posts:

LuluLozenge · 18/01/2011 12:37

A good Kiwi friend of mine met a Scottish bloke and moved back to NZ with him. She planned to have her wedding in a beautiful part of NZ.

Suddenly, the groom's extended family and family friends decided they wanted to attend the wedding. My friend hardly knew any of them, and even the groom was a bit hazy on the identity of some. The groom's mother was all 'oh, but you must invite Mrs McGregor - she once gave you a biscuit when you were 5!'

In the end, 50 people travelled over from this little village in Scotland. They all had a lovely time at the wedding, eating and drinking and staying in rented homes at the bride's parents expense.

My poor friend just about had a breakdown.

monkeyflippers · 18/01/2011 13:09

OP - that is so rude!

monkeyflippers · 18/01/2011 13:11

new2cm - how rude of that family! Why on earth would they have thought that was ok? I'm suprised they toughed it out so long. And getting your mum and dad to pay for the taxi!

kepler10b · 18/01/2011 13:15

when i lived in nz i only had a couple of people come and visit (my best friend and sister). i have enjoyed staying with others whilst travelling but never felt i was outstaying my welcome. i would cook or pay for meals out as a thanks and never stay for ages.

it's not as if accommodation is so expensive (compared to the flights) that staying with people you hardly know is even that big a saving. i'd rather do what i want on holiday than stay with strangers and feel obliged to them. in fact, when i went to australia i actively avoided staying with relatives we have there because i couldn't be bothered with it all.

ashamedandconfused · 18/01/2011 13:19

new2cm surely there was a crossed wire (or ten) with that uninvited family ???

who on earth just turns up ike that expecting a free holiday??

did they just yell "surprise!" , or had there always been vague mumblings of "some day you'll have to come over........" - did they JOKE that they would come with you next time and your parents said yeah, great, thinking it was s joke??

i cannot get over that one

Original poster

YeahBut · 18/01/2011 13:35

Well, the "any other cheap and cheerful places" saga continues. New message, could I investigate hotel deals in the area and trips / accommodation in Uluru!
WTF, do I look like a mobile Google service?Can I reiterate that I haven't spoken to this guy in six years, not even had a Christmas card from him!

OP posts:

kreecherlivesupstairs · 18/01/2011 13:39

YANBU in the slightest. We had similar when we moved to Bangkok. No bugger was interested when we lived in the ME, but move to the fleshpot of Asia and everyone's your friend.

hifi · 18/01/2011 13:53

we have the same and we are only in london. ive had 4 sets of relatives from australia.they have invited us over though. people we meet on holiday ask to stay and we have only known them for a week.
i think people think it will be a cheap holiday they wouldnt be able to afford otherwise.

SuchProspects · 18/01/2011 13:56

OP A one line response:
www.google.com

should do it.

I moved abroad to a bit of a destination city. Once when I was back home for a visit my gran saw me in the street. She waved me over and introduced me to a very nice looking little old lady saying "This is Such who your Sarah can stay with when she goes out to X." . Sarah was the nice, little, old lady's niece whom I had never met and who was thinking about moving out to my neck of the woods to study for two years. I mumbled something about not really having any space unfortunately.

researchinmotion · 18/01/2011 14:01

I think this link would be better to send.

tinyurl.com/6x3tjdq

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