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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be sceptical of the sudden increase in friends who "would love to pop over for a visit"...

51 replies

YeahBut · 18/01/2011 10:34

...now that we've moved to Australia.Hmm
Disclaimer: I am very welcoming and hospitable, just don't like being taken for a mug!
Seriously, the number of people that we've not seen / heard from for years that have got in touch saying "I'm planning on travelling around Australia and wouldn't it be great to catch up?!" Wouldn't it be great to cadge free bed and board rather than fork out for a hotel is more like it.
I don't run the local B&B or Holiday Inn.
We've just had dh's family to stay for a month over Christmas (which was lovely and they all pitch in to help) and my parents are coming over in a couple of months for a 4 week stay. In the last few weeks we've had three different people get in touch out of the blue trying to angle (none to subtly) for a place to crash.
Just had to email an old uni acquaintance back saying "Great to catch up. Let us know where you're staying - we've got family staying then so we've no room."
Reply went something like, "Oh.... well, do you know any other cheap and cheerful places we could stay in instead?" Shock

OP posts:
researchinmotion · 18/01/2011 14:02

tinyurl.com/6x3tjdq

try again. Blush

duchesse · 18/01/2011 14:04

research Grin

LittleMissHissyFit · 18/01/2011 14:09

I blame budget travel, lets all sorts on to the planes.

[snobbycaaah emoticon]

EricNorthmansMistress · 18/01/2011 14:12

I was just going to suggest lmgtfy! You have to send that!

HattiFattner · 18/01/2011 14:19

you have to decide whether this friendship is important to you. If not, then feel free to be rude.

Dear X. I do not run a hotel/youth hostel, restaurant and tour guide business sorry, and will not be able to put you up on your holiday, especially as you have not bothered to keep in touch all these years.

Or a more subtle

It would be lovely to meet you for beer! - let us know when and where you'll be staying and we arrange to meet in a local watering hole!

2rebecca · 18/01/2011 14:30

I lived abroad for a while and had none of this. Do you send out cards saying "come and see us if you're in the area" or something? Only reason I can think of for the rudeness. The people saying they had booked a flight sound bizarre, plus accomodation is cheap compared to flights to Oz.
I agree that unless they are friends you want to have staying with you that you just suggest you meet up when they are in the area for a meal. If they ask for recommendations say you don't know the local hotels and b&bs in Oz any better than you knew the local hotels when you lived in the UK, as you don't use them and suggest they look online.

sickoftheholidays · 18/01/2011 14:31

Just say "gosh yes, it would be lovely for you to come and see us - there is the loveliest little B&B about 10 minutes from here and its only $X per night..."

new2cm · 18/01/2011 14:38

ashamedandconfused

They did really turn up uninvited. It was my mum's friend who introduced us to the family. The family were often at my mum's friend's house so my mum would have spoken to them from time to time.

And yes, mum probably mentioned that we holidayed in France. My mum, no doubt, also would have said that she had a holiday home on such-a-such island. However, never in a 100 years did my parents ever imagine that a family would turn up unannounced like they did as a result of her big mouth!

There are advantages of living on an island - a close knit community, where everybody literally knows everybody. The taxi drivers had known me for all my 8/9 years! But therein lies the problem. All that anyone needs to locate a person on such an island, is their name. Even back in the 1980s, we used to joke to people that simply writing our name and the name of the island on the envelop, the mail would get to us.

No doubt, following the fateful visit, my mum was more careful about divulging details of our holiday home, and probably dodged the questions altogether!

The other day, I had a conversation with one of the mothers at school, and they said, "We have a holiday home is Tuscany, where we spend the summer holidays". She went on to describe the area and even named the street which leads to their home. Even though with the details she gave me - if truthful - I would be able to locate her home, in no way whatsoever, did I interpret that as an invitation to stay or come over to visit!

Pfaffingabout · 18/01/2011 14:38

researchinmotion - I love it! How did you do that? (Or should I go and google "how to create your own google presentation"?!) Wink

SuchProspects · 18/01/2011 15:38

researchinmotion that's brilliant!

researchinmotion · 18/01/2011 15:56

Pfaffingabout just Google 'let me google that for you'

But since I'm in a good mood I've done it for you. Grin

tinyurl.com/632hcv

Just click the tinyurl button at the bottom and then copy the link or press go to get the results..

meantosay · 18/01/2011 16:02

I feel really sorry for people who move abroad and suddenly find themselves with houseguests every weekend and for several weeks in Summer. I would never invite myself to stay with someone. Do people not realise that, just because someone's moved to live somewhere interesting/sunny it does not mean that they suddenly have all the time in the world on their hands to entertain, cook, change bed clothes,collect people for the airport and so on.

Diamondback · 18/01/2011 16:13

I had the opposite problem - my best mate moved to Australia for five year and is still miffed that in all that time, I didn't get out to visit her - I've never been able to afford the flights!

Laquitar · 18/01/2011 16:18

What pisses me off more is when they expect you to be a tour guide aswell. As if you can stomach - or afford- going to Madame Tussauds 15 times a year.

Funny how certain 'friends' seem to remember us around christmas when we are in london and summertime when we are in Cyprus.

OP, one advice: start as you mean to go.

mincenmash · 18/01/2011 16:44

YANBU it's just rude and so obviously for their own convenience.
I've had times when i've been away on a holiday with my family and my extended family have decided to come and visit me while I'm on holiday, and use the facilities etc. The only week of the year I get with my family to enjoy and they want to come and visit me then.

oldraver · 18/01/2011 16:53

Yes my folks suddenly got an influx of extra 'friends' when they moved to Spain. They are now moving back due my Dads ill health and have sent out (I thinke ) an email saying they will be renting out their home. Some friends who havn't been in touch at all since my Dad has been ill have emailed saying..... "of course we no you wont charge us as 'good friends' for renting the place. Oh we cant wait for you to come round when your back in England and play guitar out with oldravers Dad"

Had thye been really 'good friends' they would of known there is virtually no possibility of him playing his guitar again

frikonastick · 18/01/2011 17:51

i can second the bought the flights story. that happened to me and DH a couple of years ago.

distant relative called up and said "ha ha! guess what!? have booked flights, seee you in a week" all super pleased with themselves.

DH was Shock and sort of mumbled, oh umm oh, ha ha. great. yes.

and then had to break the news to me...........

it was a very painful TWO WEEK visit!!!!!

MrsSchadenfreude · 18/01/2011 18:09

I feel your pain. We are in Paris and we had about 10 weeks when we had visitors every weekend - some of whom had invited themselves.

We have now said that we are giving priority to those who came to see us in Milton Keynes, and strangely, self-invitees have dropped off. Grin

We love having visitors, but when it's convenient for us, not just them.

Have MN friend visiting in a few weeks and am planning trips to bars and restaurants museums and other drinking holes cultural places of interest!

SeaTrek · 18/01/2011 18:19

wow new2cm - that is incredible Shock.

I think it is massively rude for anyone to expect accomodation when visting someone unless you have been invited.

Personally, I loathe having houseguest for more than one night no matter how close we are. The same is true in reverse - I don't much like being a houseguest for any longer than that either.

ladydeedy · 18/01/2011 18:38

i have the same problem as an earlier OP - someone I knew who moved abroad (in fact, come to think of it, TWO people I know who moved abroad), after which every email i got from them was "when are you coming out to see me?". It was very difficult to say : well, I wouldnt CHOSE to go on holiday to (insert name of place) and I only get 5 weeks holiday which actually I prefer to spend with hubby and stepkids in places we WANT to go to and not have to see YOU all the time and feel obliged to take you out to dinner/buy loads of drinks etc...!!! funny isnt it? One of them in particular got quite peed off with me that I didnt go out to see her...

MsKLo · 18/01/2011 18:48

Blimey! There are a lot of cheeky people out there! Yanbu at all, it is hard enough putting close family and friends up let alone anyone else. Even when I go back to Italy to see family I don't dream of imposing on people even though many say to me to stay. I find a nice place to stay and visit them and that is fine by me!

Some people are so bloody rude and cheeky! Just say no!

MsKLo · 18/01/2011 18:49

By the way! What's it like? Worth the move?!

I always wonder what it would be like to move somewhere like that...

MsKLo · 18/01/2011 18:50

Where is it lady?

Gis a clue...!

YeahBut · 19/01/2011 01:21

MsKlo, it's wonderful! Such a great place to bring up kids, overwhelmingly "can do" attitude to life. There's a lot of emphasis on sport but not in a competitive way, it's about an overall healthy lifestyle.
I like the school system which pays attention to more than the purely academic. I find the UK system overconcerned with SATs and league tables. Here the emphasis is on the whole child, with sport, music and the arts as highly valued as maths and english.
There are downsides, the cost of living is higher, everywhere is far away - even the rest of Australia so travel costs are high.
Still the best country on earth!

OP posts:
anonymosity · 19/01/2011 01:24

Tell me about it. We lived in Washington DC and couldn't get a single friend from the Uk to visit (some of them only emailed once a year!) and now we're in California they're all suggesting Fxxing house swaps - not even visits! Shock

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