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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

flipping school run

42 replies

2blessed2bstressed · 18/01/2011 09:46

share with a neighbour whose dd is couple of years below ds2.
Her turn yesterday - late. ds twitchy. Her turn today - v late. ds "I'm going to get in trouble mum".
We were in the car, getting ready to go when she appeared.
Apparently she's having trouble sleeping so can I take the kids for the rest of the week?
This is starting to be a regular thing, it somehow always ends up that I'm doing 3 mornings and she's doing 2, except there's something pretty much every week that means I do 4, if not the whole week.
She's a sahm too, and her dp doesn't work, and they have 2 cars, so how come it's always me? Am getting a bit grumpy, but how do I sort it?

OP posts:
sazm · 18/01/2011 09:56

tbh i would just take him yourself,maybe she is having some personal problems,has it always been a problem or just lately?

TurkeyBurgerThing · 18/01/2011 09:56

Tell her you don't think it's working out between you and find someone else to share the run with?

Original poster
2blessed2bstressed · 18/01/2011 10:02

We've been doing it for a year or so - live outwith catchment area for school - too far for kids to walk, but only 10 minutes in the car, so not taking hours to do. (my sister lives in London, her school run takes an hour and a half Shock)
I'm ok with taking him myself - always pick him up anyway, her dd goes to childminder after school - but I'd feel really mean if I didn't take her dd too - as we go right past their house on our way...but why should I do that every day?
I do appreciate that it's a pretty trivial thing, but I'm getting sooo irritated!

OP posts:
Original poster
2blessed2bstressed · 18/01/2011 10:05

Turkey - our kids are the only ones in this area that go to that school - it was me that suggested sharing after seeing her car following mine backwards and forwards for a couple of weeks - which is what it'd go back to I suppose.

OP posts:
sazm · 18/01/2011 10:09

i would talk to her,and just tell her how it is,
its silly to take 2 cars when you are both going to the same place,does she want to carry on sharing?(in which case she would need to be on time as it understandbly upsets your ds)or else you can go back to how you were.
personally i wouldnt take her dd every day,its not your responsibility,and if she was late it would make your ds late too x

thumbdabwitch · 18/01/2011 10:09

oh dear! I feel for your DS - it's no fun being made late through no fault of your own, especially as the school don't generally accept that. :(

I don't know what the best way forward is - it sounds as though you might end up getting lumbered with doing the school run anyway for your DS and then feeling guilted (by yourself!) into taking her DD as well. Only you know if you can live with that option; you could try suggesting that if you take her DD every day then she could contribute something to the petrol money, if she cba to get out of bed on time. That might alleviate some resentment?

Alternatively, you could suggest that she does monday and friday, to give her a nice big break in the middle to catch up on her sleep Hmm for a while - and then go to alternate days?

upahill · 18/01/2011 10:11

I'd go back to your old way tbh.

There is no point having your DS getting worked up and him getting late marks in the register.

ENormaSnob · 18/01/2011 10:12

She's taking the piss.

Either be a mug and let it carry on or do something about it.

mutznutz · 18/01/2011 10:13

I'd tell her to forget the arrangement.

Your child comes first and if he's getting twitchy and worried that would be enough for me to cancel it.

Think about the whole reason you're doing the school run in the first place...for your child!

BuzzLightBeer · 18/01/2011 10:16

I'd probably just take them both for a while, because at least then you are taking a car off the road, and maybe she is depressed or has other worries?

fatpantsandgladrags · 18/01/2011 10:17

she is taking the piss.

I think you need to tell her that the "sharing" arrangement isn't working because you are doing 80% of the drop offs.

And whilst we're about it, why is her DD going to a childminder after school if neither of her parents are working? Confused

Original poster
2blessed2bstressed · 18/01/2011 10:36

fatpants - that I don't know....many things are confusing about their arrangements, but they're their arrangements, so I suppose it's up to them. DP and I amuse ourselves sometimes by making up stories about what they actually do all day. My personal facourite is that they both work for MI5 and are currently spying on the people across the road. Which is why her dp never goes out, does the school run, cuts the grass, or anything else. He's very busy...spying Grin
The sharing arrangement isn't working, so I think I'm gonna say that I'll just take them both all the time, and if she'd like to chuck a little petrol money my way occasionally then that'd be appreciated. At least ds won't need to wory about being late, and I'll know day to day whats happening..I will make it very clear however, that if her dd isn't ready when we come to pick her up then we'll go without her. I think that's fair - do you guys?

OP posts:
giantpurplepeopleeater · 18/01/2011 11:14

TO be honest I think you are being WAY more than fair adn that in the long run this will build up a lot more resentment from you.

Post in the future reading....'i used to share school run with this lady but then she was starting to be late all the tim e or duck out of her days leaving me to do it all the time so I suggested I would take them both and she could chuck in some money for petrol. Now I end up taking them both 5 days a week, her DC is never ready and we have to wait for them sometimes making my DS late and to top it all off she rarely gives me any petrol money'

Don't let yourself get taken for a mug. Approach her and ask her if there is anything wrong? Say you have noticed that she has started to be late/ drop days quite a lot and is there something behind it. Also tell her that it's not working for you and that if she can't be on time and share days as agreed that (unless there is a personal issue where your short term help might come in handy) you will not be sharing in the future.

I'm a great believer in the saying that you only get treated in the way that you let yourself get treated. If you let her abuse your generosity and the sharing arrangement then she will. DO not feel guilty about pulling out if necessary. Unless she is a very good friend, what have you got to loose?????

welshbyrd · 18/01/2011 11:24

You could lie, if not brave enough to bring up subject

Perhaps ask in conversation had their DC had a letter off the school, regarding lateness etc, say you have received one, maybe???

tomhardyismydh · 18/01/2011 11:33

maybe you could talk with her about this and find out if she has personal problems and offer to do it for say a month go back to regular arrangement or you could just say its not working etc and you need to do your own run.

just out of interest why is her dd going to childminders if neither of them work? not to be judgy in any way but this my indicate to me she is happy for others to take responsibility. I may be wrong but I know mums like this.

stLucia · 18/01/2011 11:33

Agree with giantpurplepeopleeater

Though if she was that tired, I wouldn't have wanted her driving my DC anyway.

DiscoDaisy · 18/01/2011 11:36

Could you do the morning run and she do the afternoon run?
Would that work?

Original poster
2blessed2bstressed · 18/01/2011 11:42

I suspect she does have personal problems, her ds has some quite complex SN, but then ds1 is asd - we all have things going on - and I'm not sure how that would impact on her ability to roll out of bed for half an hour of a morning. I've commented on another thread here that occasionally I've been known to do the school run in my pjs because I'm not getting out of the car, and I'm going straight back to bed afterwards!Or, come to that, why if she doesn't feel able, her dp can't do it for a change?

OP posts:
Original poster
2blessed2bstressed · 18/01/2011 11:43

No Disco - her dd goes to a childminder after school, she doesn't come straight home. We have after school activities on a couple of afternoons too tbh

OP posts:
sazm · 18/01/2011 11:45

tbh she probably has been like this as she CBA to do the school run and is secretly hoping you will offer to do it instead??

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 18/01/2011 11:48

I would take DS every day and offer to take her DD if she is ready when you go past. Make it clear you will not wait, not even 5 minutes, because it's stressing DS out.

I wouldn't ask for petrol money as I would be going anyway, that it's saving her time/money wouldn't bother me as long as her DD was ready to go.

Who knows what is going on at their house, but maybe you doing this would really really help them and even if they are just lazy it's not hurting you to do it, is it? (Of course a good lift share would be better but this isn't working and is just stressing your DS out).

giantpurplepeopleeater · 18/01/2011 11:49

2blessed - your right that everyone has 'things' going on.

Therefore you need to take the decision about where your priorities lie and what you are happy to take on.

If you are happy to help out this woman - knowing that this might result in no petrol money for you, and possibly running late if her DC is not ready the go ahead.

However, no one would blame you if you were to prioritise your own DS and his getting to school on time all of the time.

Yes, you may want to help her out. But we can't help all people all of the time. ONly you can decide if you are happy to keep doing this for her.

At the end of the day - it is her life, her DC and her responsibility to manage, or alternatively seek the help that she needs.

As I said in previous posts - you will only get more resentful. Especially as it sounds as if she already has the ability to manage the school run (i.e. she has her and DP at home and was doing it before you started to share)

TheSleepFairy · 18/01/2011 12:00

I would say that I was going to take my DD to school every morning but if she wanted a lift for her DD she needed to be ready & at your door by x o'clock because that is the time I will be leaving.

This gives her the opportunity of accepting a lift but also she has to be at your door so you do not get delayed waiting for coats to be put on & bags/homework to be found.

PorkChopSter · 18/01/2011 12:00

Is her DC ready when it's your real turn to drive? If so, then it's no biggy for you to stop and collect.

If they are not ready and you are waiting around, then I would not offer to do 5 mornings.

monkeyflippers · 18/01/2011 12:08

It's just going to annoy you the longer this goes on. If you can't say something to her face then I would start making some excuses to not be able to take her dc as well a couple of times a week every week until she realises the value of you helping each other out.

I obviously knwo nothing about you or your area, but could you say that you have to go somewhere on the way to school? Or say that you won't be able to help tomorrow as you'll probably be running late (make up a reason). Or that you have to go early as you have an errand to run.

Maybe someone else can come up with better excuses as I'm obviously crap at it!

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