Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've been a right bastard to DH. Come and virtually beat me up.

77 replies

bupcakesandcunting · 16/01/2011 17:49

Some of you might have read my slightly panicky thread about my DS and suspected swine flu yesterday. Cut a long story short, DS was very ill yesterday, high temps, vomiting, fever, shakes etc. DH and I decided last night that DS would be best sleeping in my bed (worried about choking on vomit amongst other things) and I said I would sleep with him, DH would sleep in the spare room and if I got a sleepless night then DH could take over this morning whilst I caught up on sleep.

Needless to say I got about 40 minutes sleep last night. DH got up at 8 with DS and I went back to sleep. Then DH woke me up at 8.30 saying that he was driving over to MIL's as she has emphesema (ongoing thing, obviously) and it had flared up and she couldn't catch her breath. I got up with DS and came down. It got to 3 this afternoon and DH text me saying she's been admitted to hospital for tests. I asked if there was any way BIL could drive over to the hospital and take over for a bit so that DH might be able to come home and take over here (BIL is 20 min drive away where as we are a hour) and BIL could not. I'm afraid I lost my grip a bit Blush There always seems to be a reason BIL will not help and it's riled me today as I'm tired/worried about DS/first day of heaviest perios I've had in months.

I told DH his brother was a spiteful prick and that if his mum had rang us on friday when she started feeling ill, she'd have been sorted by now. (MIL has this "thing" of not wanting to "inconvenience" us and BIL so never tells us she needs us for stuff until things get bad, like today, despite us drumming into her "please call us if you feel you're worsening." She left it so long last xmas without asking us for help that she got a blood clot on her lung and we all spent xmas driving over to hospital and back but if she'd told us a week before, some antibiotics would have been given and she'd have been fine!)

Anyway, I'm feeling shattered and resentful and I took it out on DH. I'm a right bastard. And to top it off, DS is constantly crying/asking for DH and it looks like he's going to be there for the forseeable. I text him with a lengthy apology, explaining that it's not him I'm angry at, it's his BIL and that I took it out on him and that I'm sorry and I just got an "OK" back Blush

Kick me up the bum.

OP posts:
A1980 · 16/01/2011 20:50

I know it's frustrating but your DS is young and will recover, hopefully very fairly quickly.

His mother is old and sounds so ill she may well die! It's easy for you to say his brother can deal, but did it occur to you he may want to be there with his mother even if his brother was there? How much longer will she be here for?

Horrendously tiring it is, it can't have been the first time you've been up all night with a sick child and had to carry on as normal the next day? You can't always offload to DH for the next shift, what if it hadn't happened on a weekend and he had to go to work? You'd still have had to care for him after being up all night.

You are getting a light kick up the bum from me. Him mum may die and perhaps she doesn't appreciate, or is scared of, how ill she may be. Try to have some more compassion. A night without sleep isn't the end of the world but next time it might be the end of his mother's world.

jenga079 · 16/01/2011 20:52

Did you ever open that wine you were looking forward to last night? If not, I suggest you find yourself a glass, a bottle opener and a MASSIVE bar of chocolate ASAP. It sounds like you need some time out, even if just for a couple of minutes.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 16/01/2011 21:02

She isn't going to die and she isn't that old. Her condition is manageable provided she heeds her symptoms. I understand he will have wanted to be with his mom I wasn't suggesting he didn't go. I was suggesting if they were keeping her overnight, DH and BIL could share the load. I'm sure when BIL and SILs baby arrives and this happens again, we will share the duties. She has two sons, but only one does any running.

Am quaffing now, pointythings. Will be asleep in 3,2,1...

OP posts:
Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 16/01/2011 21:02

Sorry jenga, not pointythings Blush

OP posts:
pointythings · 16/01/2011 21:06

I think Jenga and I both advised wine, so enjoy! Grin

FabbyChic · 16/01/2011 21:09

Your other half sounds like a saint, and you sound like a right moaning minnie who worries far too much about everything.

What did you expect him to do leave his mother? sounds like you did to me, cos you wanted a break. You don't get breaks with kids, you put up with it and make do.

GandalfyCarawak · 16/01/2011 21:12

We are all horrible without sleep. Don't worry about it.

A1980 · 16/01/2011 21:14

OP I wouldn't be too sure of that. Blood clots on the lung are pretty f-ing serious!!!!

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 16/01/2011 21:22

She's had several, A1980. They go with antibiotics. I'm not playing it down, I know emphesema is vile, but if managed it will not kill her. Unless the specialist lies to us Confused

OP posts:
Thingumy · 16/01/2011 21:26

I don't think you sounded unreasonable I'd act in the same way if I was stressed over a sick child and had very little sleep.

I would be questioning whether mil was still able to manage her condition independently-this is the second occasion she's not sought out medical care?

I think your dh needs to lay it on the line with hid mother,when she's feeling better of course.

Hope your wine hits the mark and your ds is feeling better.

A1980 · 16/01/2011 21:26

oh ok.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 16/01/2011 21:30

Yeah I wanted a break to sit on my arse drinking tea and watching Corrie Hmm

not sure why I'm responding to FC tbh...

OP posts:
edwoodwoodwood · 16/01/2011 21:37

I agree with allnightlong.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 16/01/2011 21:42

Thingumy, thus us what we have been discussing since she got back; whether she can care for herself. She is fiercely independent and has a social life that I know she wouldn't want compromised by living in a care home. We have no room for her to live here and BIL won't have either once the baby comes. When my grandpa got ill, my dad and his siblings paid for a live-in nurse. We can't afford anything like that so I don't know what our options are. She really needs a smaller house but she won't sell hers.

OP posts:
Thingumy · 16/01/2011 22:01

I know it's difficult but she really needs to realise that she can't ignore her condition until she has to hospitalised,that not her managing it.

Could your dh contact her gp and ask for advice-there maybe specific agencies that can help her?

Sounds a bloody mare of a situation,if only she would seek out help when she starts to feel poorly then it wouldn't end up in this stressful mess.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 16/01/2011 23:19

BUP - not sure if you saw this amongst all of the posts so I've copied and pasted

As for your MIL, my friend was in the same position with her Mum, in the end she had to be very upfront with her and tell her that by not telling her as soon as she started becoming unwell it was causing A LOT of hassle, missed time at work, worry and inconvenience and that sitting there ignoring it was self indulgent. A little harsh - maybe, but it worked. Which was better for EVERYONE concerned

Maybe what your BIL said isn't so bad - depending on what he said.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 16/01/2011 23:27

Sorry Chipping, I did write you a reply but lost the connection on my rubbish phone...

Your friend's situation sounds uncannily similar, actually. DH and I have just been talking about thebest way to approach this with her and I suggested using the tack your friend used but he thinks that would just upset her more (she is sensitive) BIL us probably right in what he said, but personally I would not have ranted at her in hospital because it just seems very harsh IYSWIM? I have suggested DH talks to her GP and finds out if she is able to get any help.

I don't know how to get through to her that she is causing more problems by not being upfront than by being upfront without sounding like a bastard. I will come back to this when I am sober Grin

OP posts:
bruxeur · 16/01/2011 23:28

OP, you have either misunderstood the nature of COPD and PEs, or they have been misrepresented to you. PEs (blood clots on the lung) do not "go with antibiotics", they go with months of anticoagulant treatment. They are also not caused by emphysema. They can definitely kill you.

And YABU.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 16/01/2011 23:31

I didn't think they were caused by emphesema I
know they are two different issues but was trying to paint the picture of MIL having respiratory problems. I probably didn't do it very well.

Well all I can go on is what we've been told by MIL and specialists. AFAIK from previous episodes, she takes the necessary drugs along with blood thinners and she gets well.

OP posts:
AuntiePickleBottom · 16/01/2011 23:33

wtf are you doing drinking wine when you could be catching up with sleep

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 16/01/2011 23:39

Tell me about it auntie. I've been to bed and can't seem to switch off was hoping to fall into a wine-induced coma Wink

OP posts:
ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 16/01/2011 23:40

Bup - it's OK I wasn't expecting a reply :) I just wanted you to think about this as an option.

My friend thought it was harsh too - until the god-knows-how-many'th-week off work and it is the truth. She tried being gentle, tactful, sympathetic etc... but in the end, this was the only thing that worked. Her Mum was a bit taken aback and sulked a bit, but she soon realised my friend was actually right.

She may be sensitive, but she's also being incredibly selfish, the two are not mutually exclusive Wink

Anyway, I'll stop banging on about it now :) and hope you find a solution that works for your family - all of it x

AuntiePickleBottom · 16/01/2011 23:40

is your DC better now

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 16/01/2011 23:44

He is still feverish and distressed and dry heaving, poor lamb. I don't know what else to do for him though. Have done Calpol, thin bedsheets, plenty if fluids etc

OP posts:
ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 17/01/2011 15:32

Hi Bup - how are both of the invalids today? Did you get any sleep last night?

Swipe left for the next trending thread