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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've been a right bastard to DH. Come and virtually beat me up.

77 replies

bupcakesandcunting · 16/01/2011 17:49

Some of you might have read my slightly panicky thread about my DS and suspected swine flu yesterday. Cut a long story short, DS was very ill yesterday, high temps, vomiting, fever, shakes etc. DH and I decided last night that DS would be best sleeping in my bed (worried about choking on vomit amongst other things) and I said I would sleep with him, DH would sleep in the spare room and if I got a sleepless night then DH could take over this morning whilst I caught up on sleep.

Needless to say I got about 40 minutes sleep last night. DH got up at 8 with DS and I went back to sleep. Then DH woke me up at 8.30 saying that he was driving over to MIL's as she has emphesema (ongoing thing, obviously) and it had flared up and she couldn't catch her breath. I got up with DS and came down. It got to 3 this afternoon and DH text me saying she's been admitted to hospital for tests. I asked if there was any way BIL could drive over to the hospital and take over for a bit so that DH might be able to come home and take over here (BIL is 20 min drive away where as we are a hour) and BIL could not. I'm afraid I lost my grip a bit Blush There always seems to be a reason BIL will not help and it's riled me today as I'm tired/worried about DS/first day of heaviest perios I've had in months.

I told DH his brother was a spiteful prick and that if his mum had rang us on friday when she started feeling ill, she'd have been sorted by now. (MIL has this "thing" of not wanting to "inconvenience" us and BIL so never tells us she needs us for stuff until things get bad, like today, despite us drumming into her "please call us if you feel you're worsening." She left it so long last xmas without asking us for help that she got a blood clot on her lung and we all spent xmas driving over to hospital and back but if she'd told us a week before, some antibiotics would have been given and she'd have been fine!)

Anyway, I'm feeling shattered and resentful and I took it out on DH. I'm a right bastard. And to top it off, DS is constantly crying/asking for DH and it looks like he's going to be there for the forseeable. I text him with a lengthy apology, explaining that it's not him I'm angry at, it's his BIL and that I took it out on him and that I'm sorry and I just got an "OK" back Blush

Kick me up the bum.

OP posts:
minibmw2010 · 16/01/2011 19:00

Although if your MIL was the type to call you as soon as she felt ill, you may just be as likely to say something along the lines of "is always bothering us with minor ailments" .... just accept that thankfully it looks like she's going to be well this time and help your husband if he needs it.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 16/01/2011 19:04

The bloodclot thing has happened before and is a symptom of her emphesema worsening. She knows the signs and we've told her that if she feels shorter of breath then she must call us/GP immediately.

Obviously I don't expect her to call for every sneeze and cough but yes, I do expect her to call for help when something like this happens. The lung specialist at the hospital has just told DH that had she called on thurs when the symptoms began, it would have been another course of antibiotics and sent home rather than being kept in for a week like she will be now. Don't think I'm lacking in compassion because I expect her to let us know this stuff, especially when it affects us so much.

OP posts:
pointythings · 16/01/2011 19:08

Bupcakes,

You do not need kicking, you need chocolate and wine.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 16/01/2011 19:09

Wine, yes. Yes.

OP posts:
brightlightsandpromises · 16/01/2011 19:09

bupcakes you have my every sypmathy, its infuriating isnt it when people wont take resposibility for themselves.My mother is guilty of this, has a medical condition that if she looks after herself properly, listens to her body and medicates accordingly is totally managable. Left to get out of hand is acutely life threatening. I get very very cross with my mother because she will often stick her head in the sand, but i guess she is just scared sometimes. Every time she goes into hospital for it, i feel exactly as you do - because it is major upheaval for me every single time and im an only child so its all on me. Drives me nuts, but what can you do. BIL needs a stern talking to about taking some responsibility though. Maybe allocation of resposibility needs to be "officially" allocated, in terms of who does what, and when.

allnightlong · 16/01/2011 19:10

nanny On this forum and in particular IABU we are all free to give our OWN opinions so please do not tell me what I should be thinking. Thank you.

pointythings · 16/01/2011 19:12
brightlightsandpromises · 16/01/2011 19:13

allnightlong, you are being harsh on the OP, she has been through the wringer this weekend with her poorly DS. Her MIL is a grown woman and is ulitmately responsible for her own health. Had she phoned earlier, not only would she not be so poorly now, the rest of the family wouldnt have to deal with the repercussions.

bupcakes, i hope you get some respite soon xx

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 16/01/2011 19:16

Goodness gracious. It's so easy to pick out the ones looking for a ruck, isn't it? Wink

That's exactly it, brightlights. Of course I hate that she has this shitty illness. BIL's wife is due her baby in May and I would love MIL to be in good health for the arrival. I feel awful that she has it BUT she is her own worst enemy. We cannot physically be checking her every hour of the day to make sure she is looking after herself. I know she is afraid of docs but the inevitable outcome will be that she WILL end up seeing MORE doctors in the end if she doesn'tlisten to her body. FIL died of liver failure (massive drinker) and MIL buried her head in the sand about that too. He died. It worries us silly that she will leave it too late one day, like she did for him. :(

Now DH has got to take days off work as the hospital is such a trek from here/his work he wouldn't be able to make visiting hours. All of this could have been avoided.

OP posts:
mommmmyof2 · 16/01/2011 19:21

BIL needs a kick up the bum, your dh is obviously going to be there for him mom but so should his brother and maybe he could come back to take the strain off you.
It is hard when you are tired and the best of us loose out temper and you did say sorry.
Just a shame that your MIL had to wait that long to except some help!
Hope both get better soon, oh and you have a better sleep Wink

allnightlong · 16/01/2011 19:23

The OP shouldn't have posted on IABU if she didn't want a range of opinions instead she wanted attention and sympathy fair enough we all need that at times, MN is great for it.
But she came onto AIBU to ask for opinons, yet refuses to consider anything that doesn't tell her she wonderful and suck up her arse.

OP think about your attitude towards your MIL and how you will feel when it eventually kills her. Also consider how highly your DP/DH will consider you once the dust settles and how that may effect your relationship long term.

brightlightsandpromises · 16/01/2011 19:29

allnightlong, are you for real????? Only seems to be you who hasn't bothered to consider the whole story. Of course if you were to simply read at face value then bupcakes is being UR, but you have to take the whole story into account.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 16/01/2011 19:29

Didn't ask for any opinions actually. I said I'd been harsh on DH (which I have been) What I said about MIL still stands. DH has just said the same on the 'phone, that he is exasperated that she refuses to help herself. There is only so much we can physically do for her and we have been doing it ever since she was diagnosed. All we ask of her is that she contact us as SOON as she feels ill. Not too much to ask, no?

Anyway, your attempt at being spikey has failed. Try harder.

OP posts:
mommmmyof2 · 16/01/2011 19:46

Does you MIL think she is being a nuisance? some people are just that way and it is a shame for her if she feels that way.
But I no what you mean as it would be easier to nip it in the bud before it gets worse sometimes.
I feel for you all tbh

allnightlong · 16/01/2011 19:47

By posting on AIBU your asking for opinons by the nature of where you post in the forum.
No stop being childish I gave my opinion I dont want to 'win' such a pathetic reaction when your the one posting attention seeking post titles.

Ormirian · 16/01/2011 19:47

Not too much to ask no. Perhaps DH needs to lay it on the line. Tell her the whole story of this weekend and how it could hav been prevented if she had contacted you earlier. A martyr complex can be quite exhausting in a loved one.

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 16/01/2011 19:52

Is there any way to put a poster on 'ignore'?

Orm, being the nosey cow I am, I just peeked at your profile. You're all very photogenc Envy

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 16/01/2011 19:53

Um - Allnightlong, I didn't tell you what to think; I pointed out what the OP had said.

As you clearly misread, I thought I was being helpful...

bupcakesandcunting · 16/01/2011 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

cobbledtogether · 16/01/2011 19:59

No sleep? Sick child? Selfish BIL? DH who won't rock the boat in the family to support you?

Hell no, I'm not going to kick you up the Bum. I'd have reacted exactly the same or worse!

IAmReallyFabNow · 16/01/2011 20:03

You have done nothing wrong.

Your dh was probably worried about his mother and didn't want a row so said OK.

Use this to say to your MIL you really don't mind if she rings to say she isn't feeling well as it is better for her that she gets seen sooner.

How is your DS now?

pointythings · 16/01/2011 20:07

Your MIL is an adult and responsible for her own health. Unless of course she is suffering from dementia, in which case you have a whole fresh can of worms to come in terms of getting your useless BIL to do his bit.

Letting yourself end up in hospital twice in a month because you're ignoring your own symptoms is inexcusable and your MIL should know that.

Now let go my ankles and get that wine.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 16/01/2011 20:07

bupcakesandcunting - really you are doing the right thing, ignoring people who have poor comprehension skills.

You didn't do anything wrong, or rather you didn't do anything that most of us wouldn't have done. You have apologised to DH, he understands where you are coming from so I wouldn't stress about that.

Your BIL really is 'He who must not be bothered' isn't he :( I think your DH need to have words with him NOW before the babies due date & arrival!

As for your MIL, my friend was in the same position with her Mum, in the end she had to be very upfront with her and tell her that by not telling her as soon as she started becoming unwell it was causing A LOT of hassle, missed time at work, worry and inconvenience and that sitting there ignoring it was self indulgent. A little harsh - maybe, but it worked. Which was better for EVERYONE concerned.

I hope DS is feeling better in the morning and MIL makes a quick recovery.

spikeycow · 16/01/2011 20:40

Yeah the BIL needs to fix up, your H has a sick child at home so don't see why he should do all the traipsing up and down.
Can I kick you anyway though Grin

Original poster
bupcakesandcunting · 16/01/2011 20:45

DH has just got in and is fuming. BIL showed up at the hospital with all guns blazing about MIL ignoring symptoms Hmm so she had to be shouted at by him whilst wearing an oxygen mask. After I'd told DH to tell her firmly but nicely that she cannot go on like this. Pfffft. Big glass of wine now to calm self and also to self-anaethetise after butt kicking from Spikey....

OP posts: