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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that I'm OK with this?

32 replies

PatPending · 15/01/2011 01:12

Or am I going above and beyond "The call of duty??"
DS has just rolled up with long term friend (lovely lad ... every mother's dream!!!) to collect an item. That's no problem.... he takes item amid profuse thanks.
But, in tow is an unknown lad ..... hippyish (and I was really hippyish in my youth!!) who we have never met ..... but apparently he is staying the night!!! Shock
Am I mad ..... he seems very gentle, and unsure. My spidey senses are saying he is "OK" ..... and I'm reasonably good at this sort of thing. I have had a convo with him and he seems to be a decent guy.
But he's apparently staying the night??!!
Am I daft..... or not??
I don't think I am ....I sense he is "decent" IYGWIM"??

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 15/01/2011 01:14

I often have ds's random mates staying over

outnumbered2to1 · 15/01/2011 01:19

simple question... do you trust the judgement of your DS? is he happy to vouch for Hippy friend?

tomhardyismydh · 15/01/2011 01:19

nah YANBU. random freinds staying over. surely its the only way to get to vet get to know them as long as you dont have younger kids your ds and him are going to keep awake, but even still im sure all they are going to do is chat play computer games and sleep.

Original poster
PatPending · 15/01/2011 01:19

Yeah ... has been a long standing thing here too.
DS is in early twenties .... but mostly I have known his mates for years (and I mean literally years).
This is a new one ..... but when I say "new" he's new to me. Not to DS.
He really is very gentle so I'm sure he won't murder us in our beds Confused Hmm Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
PatPending · 15/01/2011 01:23

Should have made it clear .... this is not a "teenage" thing.

OP posts:
tomhardyismydh · 15/01/2011 01:23

I would say thats def an ok age for him to make good judgment, if otherwise you have no worries he is an adult and so his choice, he sounds like he is respectfull.

FabbyChic · 15/01/2011 01:25

No you are not daft at all, why shouldn't your son have friends staying the night, even friends you have not met, at least he is home and you know where he is.

greenbananas · 15/01/2011 01:26

When I was a teenager, my mum accepted all sorts of dodgy-looking youths into our house - she figured that she could keep a better eye on me if they were in her home. I'll always respect her for that - especially as she turned out to be the only stable mother figure in some of those kids' lives.

Trust your instincts. If you have a strong feeling that he is safe, he's probably okay.

greenbananas · 15/01/2011 01:31

Patpending - just read your posts again.. you seem ready to accept this young man but I'm figuring you wouldn't be posting on mumsnet if you weren't a bit concerned. Like I said, trust your instincts. Smile

WimpleOfTheBallet · 15/01/2011 01:31

It's not ok...twenties is a man...I would not allow my DS to have stange men staying over.

If he wants to do that he needs his own place. You're a woman ffs..which makes yu slightly vulnerable.

Young people an and regularly do make errors in judgement of character.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 15/01/2011 01:32

Totally greenbananas!

thisismyboomstick · 15/01/2011 01:33

What are you worried about?

WimpleOfTheBallet · 15/01/2011 01:35

I think broom that it's probably a generaal worry about opening her home up to a stranger...a male one. The most basic fears would be rape/robbery.

ChippingIn · 15/01/2011 01:38

Very odd question to be asking if you normally trust your sons judgement. Do you usually object to his friends staying? Does he normally ask if it's OK or just roll on home with them?

symmetrymum · 15/01/2011 01:43

Keep all your valuables in your room. Lock or put a chair against your bedroom door. All will be okay in the morning.

Your instincts are telling you something is amiss, be on your guard just in case.

greenbananas · 15/01/2011 01:44

Seriously, do you feel safe? If you do, then that's absolutely fine and all is well... if you don't you probably only have half an hour or so before it is too late to change the situation.

Wishing you all the best!!

tomhardyismydh · 15/01/2011 01:50

ffs its her 20 yr old sons friend. would you be saying that if she posted my 20yrold flat mate just roled up with a friend who is staying over iv never met him yet object to him staying.

op this your son you know him. i had many random [to my mum] people staying over at that age, i however knew them.

unless this a onenight stand for your ds i would be ok with it.

Original poster
PatPending · 15/01/2011 01:50

To answer several points:

I do (mostly) trust DS judgement - it's just that I haven't met this young man before.

I have just had a long convo with him in the kithchen .... he really is very gentle!!

I am now happy with his demeanour etc.

Should have said Blush .... my DH is also here!! And he is no pushover (another story!!)
What I was really wondering about was; are we unreasonable to just "accept" friends into our house? My reasoning is that we have always adopted a "come one, come all" philosophy, but, are we being a bit daft??

Sorry .... have realised I didn't explain myself properly!!

OP posts:
tomhardyismydh · 15/01/2011 01:52

you are noy daft.

tomhardyismydh · 15/01/2011 01:53

x post

greenbananas · 15/01/2011 01:57

You're not daft - that's a great philosophy! I don't think you're at all unreasonable to accept your DS's friends.

If you're happy with your DS's judgement and with your own impressions of his friend, I reckon you can probably sleep in peace.

Original poster
PatPending · 15/01/2011 02:02

Think I may have misrepresented what I was trying to ask!!!
..... I was trying to gauge what others would do about DCs inviting "unknown" guests to stay at short notice.
I have no probs with DSs known friends staying .... this is a regular thing - (male or female)
But this lad is new (and we had to tidy spare room at a moment's notice!! Aaargh!!) so I wondered where others draw the line?

Does that make sense???

OP posts:
tomhardyismydh · 15/01/2011 02:11

its fine PP, in my world.

symmetrymum · 15/01/2011 02:19

I think you need to convey that even though it's your DS's home as well, a little consideration is required for you in terms of having to prepare sleeping space, etc. What if you already had a guest sleeping in the spare room? A bit of prior notice is all that is required.

I don't have kids that age yet, I just remember from when I was a teenager and my old dad used to say "this isn't a doss house".

Original poster
PatPending · 15/01/2011 02:21

Thanks tomhardy !! I really do prefer to have a bit of a "handle" on where DS gets to despite him being in his 20s!!
I really didn't explain well ..... I want DS to feel able to invite friends back, of course I do!
But, it's the short notice thing! Do DCs get it??
You have to tidy and shit..... are me and DH mugs?
Should we charge DS's friends BnB rates?
Interestingly, I noticed, when a "lady friend" was visiting this week, he tidied his bedroom ... WTF???? Hmm

OP posts: