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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell her she was fat!

34 replies

ReindeerBollocks · 14/01/2011 20:55

My mum and I went wedding dress shopping for her today. She found a beautiful dress (not a conventional wedding dress) and it really suited her, except she has developed a bit of a belly.

My mum jokes about it all the time but does want to get rid of the extra weight and has signed up to exercise classes. Actually she's signed us both up, so I can keep her company.

So when she asked me honestly what I thought I told her - it made her look fat and lumpy. The assistant was horrified and told her she looked stunning (she did look nice but I said that too). Being my mum I thought she'd appreciate my actual advice rather than the advice of a shop assistant who was just blantantly trying to sell an expensive dress. I also did tell her that the colouring was beautiful and the dress really did look amazing on her.

My mum wasn't offended in the slightest and joked that it was her extra baby belly left over from me. She wasn't upset at all but when we left the shop she admitted that to look truly great on her wedding day she will have to tone up to fit into the dress properly (she couldn't actually close the dress).

So, going by the assistant's reaction (not my mothers as she wasn't offended at all) was IBU to tell my mum she looked fat in her wedding dress?

OP posts:
Alambil · 14/01/2011 20:58

Yes. Tact rules.

I hope you didn't say "you look fat and lumpy"

My sister got married recently and couldn't close any of the shop dresses; we didn't tell her she looked fat and lumpy but rather that a few pounds off would just improve the way the dress hangs...

It's all in the way you sugar the pill.

FudgeGirl · 14/01/2011 20:58

Not at all, as long as she wasn't offended, but I think you could have been more tactful than "fat and lumpy", maybe "a bit unflattering round the old tum, but you'll lose that once we go to those classes".

rosieposey · 14/01/2011 20:58

YABU if you are saying it infront of a complete stranger, your mum might not have minded in the main but it was rude given that someone else was there, couldn't you have taken her to one side out of the earshot of the sales assistant?

TragicallyHip · 14/01/2011 20:59

Better to be honest than to let her look back at photos and wonder why no one told her the dress didn't suit her!

MsKLo · 14/01/2011 21:01

she's your ma - that's how mums and daughters speak sometimes, if she wasnt bothered that is all that matters

electra · 14/01/2011 21:01

Telling her she looked fat and lumpy is not on. How would you fee if someone said that to you?

IAmTheCookieMonster · 14/01/2011 21:01

You said your mum wasn't offended in the slightest, if you thought she would be i'm sure you wouldn't have said it.

scrappydappydoo · 14/01/2011 21:01

YANBU - my dh is always honest with me and I appreciate it. In fact its quite hysterical actually when you're in a changing room and normally hear a collective intake of breath! Grin

ChippingIn · 14/01/2011 21:01

It's not what you say, it's the way you say it.

Also, she's your Mum - if she's anything like most Mums she wont let on that she's actually deeply hurt by what you have said.

I think you need to grow up a bit and start being a bit more considerate and tactful. You could have said it wasn't that flattering around her stomache but hopefully will look great after your classes.

There is just no call for telling anyone they look 'fat & lumpy'.

TotemPole · 14/01/2011 21:02

If the dress didn't do it up, then she already knows needs to lose some weight. So maybe an unnecessary thing for you to say.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 14/01/2011 21:03

Why are you asking the question if your mum wasn't upset or offended ??

Yanbu btw, saved her some money

herbietea · 14/01/2011 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Cain · 14/01/2011 21:07

For once I am glad I read to the end of the thread ( to be fair this is a tiddler) but I would agree whole heartedly with ChippingIn. A little tact goes a looooong way.

SaggyHairyArse · 14/01/2011 21:09

I would have said "you look lovely Mum and will look even better after our classes and with the right underwear on".

A spoonful of sugar helps the medecine go down!

TheManWhoSoldtheWorld · 14/01/2011 21:10

Completely agree with ChippingIn.

Also good undergarments go a long way.

pleasechange · 14/01/2011 21:16

There's a difference between telling someone that an outfit isn't particularly flattering, and telling them that they look "fat and lumpy"

I'm guessing your poor mother was secretly mortified and now possibly now scared that's you're embarrassed about how she'll appear on your wedding day. It's really hard to lose weight without feeling this extra pressure

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 14/01/2011 21:20

i would prefer to hear the truth than to wear a dress that didn't flatter me on my wedding day. i think you did the right thing and it is the sort of honesty i expect from my mum and best friend. it is why she is my best friend.

TotemPole · 14/01/2011 21:24

allnew, I read it as the OP's mums wedding.

KnittingRocks · 14/01/2011 21:24

A vile thing to say to your mum Hmm.

Hulababy · 14/01/2011 21:28

I would just find it an unnecessary comment with the potential to cause offence. Hence I would never utter it. If required then tactful comments could be used instead - still be honest but chosing words more carefully.

tyler80 · 14/01/2011 21:29

YANBU

I'd say the same to my mum and she would to me.

pleasechange · 14/01/2011 21:29

Totempole - ahh, yes, I see. I guess I still think the same though. Better to hear that something doesn't suit you/isn't flattering, rather than that you look fat and lumpy (even if you do Grin). Fat people tend to know they look fat, and knowing this tends to make them want to eat more rather than feeling positive and having reason to change

Original poster
ReindeerBollocks · 14/01/2011 21:30

Okay, firstly I didn't quite say she looked fat and lumpy but it was quicker to type than all the nice things I threw in too to make it easier for her.

Plus, we are close, verrrry close and she is quite a brash person at the best of times so I don't just think, I know she wasn't offended.

It was more the assistants reaction that shocked me - would you honestly want the one person who you trusted to lie to you about the way you looked, especially for such an important event?

I think that's worse than telling someone that they're a bit fat IMO?

Oh and I didn't save her money she bought the dress in question and is now telling me all the ways in which she will be losing weight.

OP posts:
Guitargirl · 14/01/2011 21:32

Did you really tell your own mother that she looks fat and lumpy in a wedding dress? In front of someone else? If I had been your Mum I might have put a brave face on it but then would have gone home and cried. There's no way those words wouldn't have hurt her feelings. How would you feel if someone - never mind your own daughter - said that to you? To be honest I think you owe your mother an apology.

charliesmommy · 14/01/2011 21:32

So long as your mum appreciated your honesty, then no problem. Would you be happy enough if she had said the same to you if the situation was reversed? Again if so, then YANBU.

It was the dress that made her look fat and lumpy, not her that is fat and lumpy... which makes a difference.