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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel upset by this

35 replies

horseshoe19 · 14/01/2011 18:54

Sis-in law gave birth to her first DS a day before I had my first DS. She lives 200 miles away and mother-in-law who lives 15 mins from us went to stay the week and came to meet our son a week later.

I expected that our kids would play second best and it has been like that for the last year.

Birthday time is fast approaching and I contacted sin-in-law to find out if she was coming down for the weekend as since last year either she comes down or mother-in-law goes to her on a weekly basis.

She said No as she had booked to go away for the week and she was paying to take mother-in-law with her.

I got very over-protective upset and felt that I should at least say something about my sons birthday as so far no-one had bothered to mention it. I was also fuming that MIL had played secret squirrel and not mentioned it to us.

DH and I had a big row, he feels that there is little point in saying something as it would not change anything. His opinion is that when kids ask where nanny is on birthdays he can tell them straight. But I dont want to have to tell my kids that I want nanny there.

I finally text back saying "thats sounds nice but shame you wont see DS on his birthday and we wont get to see your DS" but she has not replied.

I really want to make my point but know that it will not change. I just think when it is only once a year that they can make more effort, or at least call and ask if we have anything special planned for DS birthday as they want to go away.

OP posts:

Original poster

horseshoe19 · 14/01/2011 18:55

Sorry not my first DS, he is my fourth child

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 14/01/2011 18:58

Am I right in thinking DS is turning one? If so then YABU.

Original poster

horseshoe19 · 14/01/2011 18:59

Yes but it is not the age, it is the acknowledgement that it is also his birthday.

OP posts:

petratsdontsmell · 14/01/2011 19:00

Having read all the stick MILs get on MN, how they are either kicked for not showing enough interest or for being overpowering, then I imagine that your own MIL thanked her lucky stars that her own daughter had a baby at same time as her DIL. That way, there was at least one baby where she stood a reasonable chance of not putting a foot wrong with.
Don't you have your own mother to compensate?

thefurryone · 14/01/2011 19:00

Is SIL her daughter?

Maybe she just feels that she needs to make more of an effort because she lives further away from your SIL?

eaglewings · 14/01/2011 19:01

Family splits happen over matters like this. Do you really want to make a big issue over it for an early birthday when he won't remember it or wait until its his 5th?

Pick your battles carefully

traceybath · 14/01/2011 19:02

We never see the grandparents on my dc's birthday - not because they don't care but just because its not always convenient.

I wouldn't expect them to check about a 1st birthday really and not to schedule a holiday around it.

rinabean · 14/01/2011 19:02

Your MIL will give you a card and a present and see your son at some point, yes? So what is the problem? It kind of feels like you want everyone to follow your plans only. If celebrating the two birthdays together was what your SIL wanted, surely she would have asked to do that. If you both want different things obviously you can't both get your way.

Lamorna · 14/01/2011 19:03

I don't really see why you need to see them on birthdays. I live a long way from parents and siblings, but it has never bothered me. DCs are too young to be bothered to start with and then they have their own friends for parties.

TubbyDuffs · 14/01/2011 19:04

He is one! Get a grip!

LaWeaselMys · 14/01/2011 19:05

Maybe she will see you next year.

Given that your MIL lives close to you and a long way from her daughter, she still probably spends less time with her daughter than you.

Flisspaps · 14/01/2011 19:06

horseshoe19 What I was getting at was that DS won't notice that nanny isn't there. He'll just know he's having a very nice time and there's lots of new toys and wrapping paper.

There's only a day between them - MIL can't be in two places at once, especially with the offer of a free holiday!

mutznutz · 14/01/2011 19:07

I can't believe how prissy people get over their kid's birthdays...I really never knew it til I found MN.

Your child will be ONE year old so he's not going to care, your Husband doesn't want you moaning at HIS mother about this.

Maybe...just maybe your MIL actually wants a holiday and she can see your child any time she wants?

mrsscoob · 14/01/2011 19:09

I think its probably more about her daughter than picking favourites on grandchildren. I can understand her wanting to be with her daughter after she had had her baby, especially if she lives far away, and I presume you must see much more of her normally as she lives so close?

LadyBiscuit · 14/01/2011 19:09

Do you have parents? Are they going to come and make a fuss of your DS?

I think you have to accept that a) first children seem more important than 4th ones and b) parents generally feel closer to their daughter's children than their son's

PigValentine · 14/01/2011 19:13

Why is it precious to want your DC's grandparents to see them on their birthday? Why wouldn't you want to see you DGC's on their birthday? Maybe my family is just incredibly strange, because there seems to be a lot of this attitude on MN. On both my DS's 1st birthdays, all immediate family came to visit, including my MIL (who doesn't really like me )

unfitmother · 14/01/2011 19:13

YABU, he's one!

Original poster

horseshoe19 · 14/01/2011 19:14

I know all of this and she is free to go away but I am upset at the absence of an acknowledgement that they are going away and it will be his birthday. It just has not been mentioned at all yet they said they are going for d-sis sons birthday.

No we do not see them often, they go to sis-in-laws most weekends or she comes to MIL and they pop to us or us them.

During the week we all work shifts so we only ever see MIL when sis-in-law is there which is fine cause I love my nephew and look forward to seeing him.

OP posts:

Blu · 14/01/2011 19:18

Is your MIL present for your other children's birthdays?

If your ds is your 4th, she has presumably been paying visits to your other 3 children for a few years, and now she has another gc 200 miles away with a birthday at the same time and you sound jealous that her attention is more widely spread.

I think it is unreasonable to expect them to plan a hol around your DS's birthday.

Lamorna · 14/01/2011 19:22

But she is paying for MIL to go away with them. Have you ever paid for her to go away? If not why not arrange something for DCs birthday next year and pay for her to go with you if it is important to you?
It won't make any difference to your DC if she is there or not.The other thing you could do is organise a joint birthday next year.

LDNmummy · 14/01/2011 19:23

My sis has had this problem for 13 years. She just gets on with her own life and lets them (offending family members) get on with whatever they want to do. Better to not let it bother you. Just value those around who do care enough to make an effort for your children. I always count my blessings that my partners mum is as lovely and supportive as she is cos I know how hard it is for other people I know with thier in-laws. Congrats for birthday boy! Don't let it bother you, it will only be doing you harm and making your relationship with your partner strained.

activate · 14/01/2011 19:26

Your fourth child? And you haven't got past this crap yet?

]

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/01/2011 19:36

I think it's because it's her daughter's baby too, OP. It's not personal, just where her priorities lie (and I think they should).

Your DS really won't notice, it's nice to spread visits around so that they don't get overwhelmed when they're very young. I'm sure your MIL won't ignore your DS's birthday, she hasn't up to this point, has she?

Try not to make an issue of it and turn this into an issue of 'favourites and sides', because you will lose.

Try not to take it personally and enjoy your ay with DS - and don't forget about your nephew either either before or after he returns from holiday!

Figgyrolls · 14/01/2011 20:17

Flip this around a moment OP and have a look at it this way:

SIL and her DH spend every weekend either at SIL or MIL house with MIL, feel PITY for your BIL really feel pity. That is how I get over the MIL seeing SIL children more, poor BIL hasn't had a weekend off in 10 years! we have escaped and so be it, MIL is missing out not my dc who see their parents lots and spend quality time and see GP's when they can!

Lamorna · 14/01/2011 20:20

I find it very weird that a grandmother would put (and should put) her own DD's DCs before her DS's DCs! I am very thankful that my mother has never put my DCs before my brother's DCs, it would be horrible. Peculiar, surely they make their own relationship with their grandchildren?

I can see that if SIL was offering a free holiday then she would take it, I expect she would take one with you if you offered.

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