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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting to leave 3mth DD with MIL so she can get use to her!!

43 replies

jasmin27 · 14/01/2011 17:35

For the last week or so DD has been going through growth spurt and is feeding more than usual. Usually worse in evenings. As In-laws only come round in the evening she is crying when picked up by anyone as she just wants to feed.

MIL suggested I should leave DD with her for an afternoon 2 or 3 times a week so she can get use to being around her. She will feed her formula if she cries.

Sorry but I don't want to leave DD with MIL or anyone else. she is only 3 months, and is usually a very happy baby and goes to anyone.

Should I be leaving her with MIL??

OP posts:
Katey1010 · 14/01/2011 17:37

Can't MIL come round in the afternoon when she is not cluster feeding (DD not MIL Grin). Then she will get used to her but when you are there.

Guitargirl · 14/01/2011 17:37

Ridiculous. YANBU. Maybe suggest MIL come to you in the afternoon instead when your DD is more settled.

Hassled · 14/01/2011 17:38

No. Stick to your guns. You're her mother - if you're not happy, you're not happy. Maybe suggest the ILs come at some other time (a day visit at the weekend? some time when you know DD is likely to be happier). Fair enough that MIL wants to get to know her grand-daughter a bit better, but not this way.

FabbyChic · 14/01/2011 17:39

Do you have things you could be doing? Would you like some time out? If so accept the offer, if not say no it's okay she is fine at home.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 14/01/2011 17:42

NO! YANBU at all. my MIL was a pushy bugger a bit overly keen at first, but I made her bend to my will! Grin

pranma · 14/01/2011 17:42

No [I am a grandma] your dd is breast feeding-she doesnt need to 'get used to' your m-i-l.There will be time enough for that when you are ready.I was having chemo when dgs was very small and I didnt see him to cuddle on my own until he was 9 months-we couldnt be closer.

chipmonkey · 14/01/2011 17:42

YANBU. What is MILs reasoning? Is she going to be expected to look after dd at some stage?

narkypuffin · 14/01/2011 17:43

You 'should' be doing what's right for you. If you don't want to do it, don't. I wouldn't. From what you say this is a growth spurt, so your DD doesn't need to get used to your MIL she just needs to get through the spurt and she'll be the happy 'goes to anyone' baby again.

chipmonkey · 14/01/2011 17:43

Oh and if MIL does look after dd, why not give her expressed Breast Milk?

LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 14/01/2011 17:44

Same as everyone else says! Silly idea, she's pushing her luck.

Honeydragon · 14/01/2011 17:46

Both my Mum and MiL are firm believers in letting children come to them on their own terms (the childrens not the mums) as a result they now both have utterly devoted grandchildren. Point out that one to one isn't the issue ... and that if she wants to see your dd in the afternoon she can come to you, not dd to her. If your feeling cheeky bold point out that dd likes afternoon visitors to bring mummy cake Grin

vinocollapso · 14/01/2011 17:54

I get this sort of thing all of the time (DS is 6 months now) - that I should leave him with DP's relatives to 'get him used to the idea of me going back to work'. Thing is, relatives only see him once a month at the most as they live far away, he doesn't know them. Plus, what a ridiculous thing to ask of a new mother.

YANBU - your baby, your rules. Stay glued to her side until you are ready to let her be with MIL.

xx

Greeninkmama · 14/01/2011 17:59

My MIL asked me if my bf-ing baby could stay at her home (in another town) sometimes. Err, no. She respected me for refusing though and even said I was like her for not wanting to be separated from my DC. YADNBU!

DancingThroughLife · 14/01/2011 18:03

DD went through a phase of crying every time we went to PILs, at about that age. Cue MIL grabbing her and doing the Jiggle Walk as "she has to get used to being comforted by someone else". Well thanks for that MIL, but unless your boobs can make the milk, then noone else can comfort her at the moment.

She grew out of it though (both of them Grin)

And what everyone else said Smile

TheVisitor · 14/01/2011 18:04

You're not being unreasonable in not wanting to leave your babe with someone else just yet, but I do think your MIL wants some baby time, which is understandable as she's the grandma. She might even have thought that she was helping, so don't be too hard on her. Just let her have lots of cuddles when she comes round.

saffy85 · 14/01/2011 18:08

YANBU there is no need to "get used to" your mil or anyone else. Anyway your DD is 3 months old and presumably BF. So it isn't as simple as just giving her formula if she's hungry is it?

Suggest to mil she chooses a more convenient time to visit, when DD is in a better mood for visitors. Don't know about you, but I'm knackered by the evenings myself, and I do believe evenings should be winding down time especially when there's babies and small children in the house.

Unrulysun · 14/01/2011 18:12

Dd is 8mo and MIL does this all the time. As she's as mad as a box of frogs she'll be getting alone time with dd when dd first comes home from university but I just nod and say 'yes, very soon, very soon' :)

fruitful · 14/01/2011 18:17

Just Say No. Grin

Or "Thank you very much for offering, that is so kind, but I'm really enjoying having my baby close to me all the time" if you're feeling polite and think you might like to take your MIL up on the offer in a few months/years time.

Can you arrange to see her at the weekend, and ask her not to come over in the evening for a bit?

(and, in answer to your question, you should be doing whatever feels right to you. You're in charge, it's your baby)

MsKLo · 14/01/2011 18:21

Stick to your guns! Your baby is so tiny still and is in the best place by being with you and if you are bf, giving something else during cluster times will interfere with your supply.

This is your baby and you don't need to do anything you do not want to

tiredfeet · 14/01/2011 18:26

Yanbu.
My sil has implied that I am selfish for breastfeeding because it means she can't take baby away for the day. Its a strange attitude to say the least

Ds also 3 months and cluster feeds in the evening, I would find visitors quite tough then. Like others have said, could you suggest a time that's better?

NonnoMum · 14/01/2011 18:28

Suggest to your MiL that a really useful time to come round would be between, say, 6am and 9am. So that you can grab a shower and some breakfast, put the washing on and generally get ready for another day in paradise.

Would be really interested what she would say to that.

LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 14/01/2011 19:41

tiredfeet I had a lot of that "selfish for breastfeeding" nonsense, especially from a close relative.

Apparently it is smothering to not want your newborn to spend the night at a relatives house. Apparently it is good for their development to get used to being away from their mother. And apparently breastfeeding should be stopped as early as possible so as to allow for this.

Bonkers.

ledkr · 14/01/2011 20:06

What is wrong with some mils and mums these days.When we have a baby it is our baby not theirs it is their grandchild.Did people come and take their babies when they were tiny?I am in the interesting position of being a gma and expecting my 5th baby any day now.I adore my gs and love to spend time with him but he is notmy baby he is ds and dil's.He loves to see me and have fun but at the moment he is going thru a clingy phase and wants his mum all the time thats ok with me. On the flip side my mil is already planning to whip my new baby off for a "walk" as soon as i come home,i will not be having this however i cant bf as ive had a mastectomy and feel a bit hard done by that its assumed that i will not then qualify for the same important bonding time without a fight.
YADNBU

MsKLo · 14/01/2011 20:15

tiredfeet

that is bonkers!

why are some people so obsessed with getting a baby away from its mummy/daddy?! do babies need to 'learn' to be without mummy?

I get it all the time when I say that no, my toddler and baby have never spent the night away from me (not saying it is wrong, just not for me) and some people are aghast at this!

LemonDifficult · 14/01/2011 20:15

Hmmmm. Is this your first baby? Her first grandchild?

You say she was 'suggesting' it - I don't think she's being unreasonable just to suggest it. And it will be an advantage to you in the future if your DD is used to her, although 3 afternoons at 3months does sound like a lot. Your call ultimately of course.

She might have thought she was being helpful. I'd LOVE my MiL to look after my DCs three afternoons a week. (Bit older though, 3yo and 1yo!)