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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting to leave 3mth DD with MIL so she can get use to her!!

43 replies

jasmin27 · 14/01/2011 17:35

For the last week or so DD has been going through growth spurt and is feeding more than usual. Usually worse in evenings. As In-laws only come round in the evening she is crying when picked up by anyone as she just wants to feed.

MIL suggested I should leave DD with her for an afternoon 2 or 3 times a week so she can get use to being around her. She will feed her formula if she cries.

Sorry but I don't want to leave DD with MIL or anyone else. she is only 3 months, and is usually a very happy baby and goes to anyone.

Should I be leaving her with MIL??

OP posts:
MsKLo · 14/01/2011 20:18

ledkr, that is awful (that your MIL thinks she can whip your baby away from you as soon as she likes)

I wish more gma's had your attitude instead of thinking it is their divine right to have time with their grandchildren whenever they want - uh, no, this is my baby and I won't be doing that!

and of course you qualify for the same bonding time! that is unfair of people to make you feel hard done by

good luck with birth and all that, and how interesting you are a gma and a mummy to be!

MsKLo · 14/01/2011 20:20

Jasmine - don't give into mil pressure, start as you mean to go on. she should not have suggested this, she should be thinking of how she can help you, not make you anxious! this is your baby not hers and there is plenty of time for her to bond with baby and the most important bond is happening now between baby and her parents!

ledkr · 14/01/2011 20:34

ms klo Thanks for that,it is a very interesting place to be,me and dil are great friends,unfortunately i have inherited lovely but pushy in laws,they were expexting to come and stay for a week straight after my section on the 27th,needless to say i have placed boundaries there which was not easy and will have to place a few more in thr future.I just wish i could bf as it is never mind having her snatched away-i intend to ff skin to skin as often as poss.

missmehalia · 14/01/2011 20:44

Lemon said exactly what I was wondering... first baby? It sounds as if you feel you should do exactly what MIL wants, as she may be the more experienced one?

To be fair, she probably means well, but she's had her turn at being mummy. Now it's your turn. Trust your instincts here! It really is OK to say no thank you. It's great you're making time to spend with her, but please come a couple of times a week in the afternoon so she can get cuddled by you inbetween feeds. Please don't come in the evenings when she's more grizzly and I'd like to settle her myself. That time of day/night doesn't suit us at all, I'm afraid.

That way, she still gets the one to one she so obviously wants with the grandchild, but it's on YOUR terms. And that's the whole point. MIL should get a life. I can't believe they're traipsing round to your house 3 times a week. If this was normal before DD was born, then maybe.. if this has come about recently, since she arrived, then MIL is trying to stake territory with your little one. I think this is too much, TBH, unless MIL has definite arrangements with you to be caring for her later on. And even then, breastmilk can be expressed. Sod the formula, unless there's a problem. That's actually quite a biggie, and she shouldn't be calling the shots!!!

Nice though MIL 'may' be, she's trying to manipulate the situation to suit her, there's an implied criticism of you in amongst all this I think.

But try and find a nice way to say it.

MsKLo · 14/01/2011 20:54

totally agree with missmehalia

ledkr - I remember talking with you before - you sound like a fantastic thoughtful mummy and loads of skin to skin will really benefit your baby - and you have come through so much, I admire you

KangarooCaught · 14/01/2011 21:00

After a Csection lots of skin to skin is all you're up for anyway - bonus. MIL can bring food/help with housework.

ledkr · 14/01/2011 21:10

no she doesnt do anything and father in law just waits for food.Its all sorted now,section on 27th then i will be in till the saturday but no visitors allowed in due to swine flu have to work monday so have been "invited" for the following weekend.NB i have 4 other children who would all like some time with baby and me,and no spare room.
Means ill be far more "welcoming" when they do come :)

MsKLo · 14/01/2011 21:14

baby no.5! you braver than i thought! i have two and find that hard enough! Grin

lechatnoir · 14/01/2011 21:31

I read your original post as no more than a kind offer to help you out & give you a break a couple of times a week Confused. Obviously if you're feeding & don't want her having a bottle you need to say so & limit the time but if it gives you an hour to sleep, get your hair done, go out for coffee/swim etc is that really such a bad thing?
Mind after the PFB, I think of lot of us have a shift in opinion and will grab any offer of help with both hands Grin
Do whatever is best for you & your LO.
LCN

Booandpops · 14/01/2011 21:46

Urgh reading this is bringing back memories of my mil when dd1 was born! Took a good 6 months of rows with dh to get things sorted on my terms! And get them to back off Now we are all hunky dory but stick to your guns. Your baby, your time! There will be loads of time in future. I'd make sure mil is aware she will get her time ( assuming she will) but it's not now. Hopefully that will be enough. Or get a cattle prod. ( just kidding)
Don't they get that being to pushy will get dil's back up and make her less likely to be handing over baby. Softly softly catchee monkey I say. X

ReindeerBollocks · 14/01/2011 21:56

YANBU - only leave your DD with MIL if YOU want the break, as it can be challenging when little ones cluster feed.

Don't do it because she is forcing you too, you're DD is not clingy she is cluster feeding.

Do what you feel is best for both you and DD, and MIL can visit when it is appropriate for you and DD. Don't let her tell you what is best, even if she does only have your interests as her main concern. Just explain the situation as it is, and if she is still keen to help, tell her what you actually need doing, rather than her uninformative (but well intentioned) suggestions.

ReindeerBollocks · 14/01/2011 21:58

Your, not you're. Obviously Blush

MrsRigby · 14/01/2011 22:01

YANBU

Fucking mother-in-laws. I have one, I feel your pain.

I would absolutely not leave my 3 month old son with my mother-in-law.

You know your child better than anyone, trust your instincts and tell your MIL no.

MadamDeathstare · 14/01/2011 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsKLo · 14/01/2011 23:40

MrsR and MadameDeathStare both talk a lot of sense!

I agree - fucking MiL's! (not all of them obviously Wink)

2rebecca · 14/01/2011 23:49

I see no point in leaving a 3 month old baby with anyone unless you want to. Are you breast feeding her? The post isn't clear. if so I definitely wouldn't leave her. Babies don't have to get used to anyone except their parents. There is loads of time for them to meet other people. A whole afternoon is a long time to leave a small baby unless you have to because you are working .
Your MILs wants are irrelevent.

Original poster
jasmin27 · 14/01/2011 23:50

Thanks, glad I'm not the only one.

OP posts:
MsKLo · 14/01/2011 23:56

Yes too true
Her wants are totally irrelevant - your little baby just needs you and her daddy!

Top tip - buy her the grandparent book by miriam Stoppard - it has a great section on not encroaching on your DiL Wink
Mark that section or turn the corner of the page when you give it to her!

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