...not to want to be thumped by my 14 year old?

[woollyideas]

Need to rant.
My DD has always been forthright and outspoken but now that she's a teen she has become downright rude and abusive.
Occasionally she lashes out at me, but tonight she's gone for it big time.
We had an argument when I told her to get off the phone and laptop and start getting ready for bed. It was 10 o clock. At 10.15 I reminded her and at 10.30 I went upstairs to remove laptop and landline phone from her bedroom. She refused to hand over the phone, put it under the duvet and lay down on top of it.
Me: 'Give me the phone.'
Her: 'Can't make me.'
(repeat many, many times like stuck record)
Me: 'You are about to be grounded and have a TV ban for two days if you don't hand over the phone.'
Her: 'Enjoy the power.'
Me: 'Give me the phone.'
Her: 'No.'
Me: (Lose rag and take duvet off bed and tell her to sit up so I can get phone.)
Her: Don't touch me (thumps me)
I got the phone and went downstairs.
She followed me downstairs punching me.
I saw her mobile on kitchen table and removed it, knowing she'd probably go straight on FB/start texting her friends until about 1 a.m., which is frequently her response to any disagreement.
Her: Give me my phone etc. (starts punching me).
Punch, punch, punch, etc.
And then one real hard, swinging punch at me, which is already showing a big red weal.
I found it very, very hard not to retaliate and probably handled the whole thing very badly.
Feel like crap now.

LeQueen, i think you are spot on

I do think the police idea is a good one.

She needs to know that her behaviour is unacceptable.

I would have a serious talk with her now: explain that you have the right to feel safe in your own house and that if it happens again you will have to call the police. Tell her that you understand that she gets angry but that she must find a safer way of expressing that anger.

And if it does happen again, then you must follow through and really call the police.

And fwiw I really don't agree with Fabby that it's more a girl than a boy thing: we've had plenty of threads on MN over the years about parents assaulted by their teenage sons.

This is parent abuse - have a Google. There doesn't seem to be much in the way of support groups though

cory

I think statistically girls are more troublesome.

I have two boys 22 and 17 and never once have they caused me any bother.

My sister has two girls and she had a hell of a time with them, I guess I base my assumptions on them, but have always heard boys are nicer!

I agree with LeQueen.

Ds2 and his friends got involved in some rather silly behaviour one evening (they were about 16). I won't elaborate.

The local policeman sat them down and gave them a talking to - he was brilliant.

It worked very well. It brought them up short, made them realise that actions have consequences that can affect the rest of their lives.

that's hardly a large enough sample to base statistics on, fabby

there is a bit of an urban myth that boys are nicer, but frankly I think a lot of that is because we expect higher standards from girls and get more shocked if a girl is violent or drunk than if a boy is

don't think police statistics would bear this out- surely the vast majority of assaults are committed by teenage boys/young men?

and if we're onto family anecdote, we were 3 boys and one girl in my family: my db did get into a certain amount of trouble: I spent my teen years at home studying classical languages and basically doing as I was told. Doesn't prove a thing.

I have a teen girl and she hasn't been in trouble either. Again not a large enough sample.

Sorry to hear your situation, so hard on your own, but it does sound like you need to make a massive fuss about this one.

Get as much support as you can, friends? neighbours? her form tutor at school or year head? you need to talk about her behaviour with others so that you are not on your own with this.

I do think that talking to the community police is actually a good idea because she has been violent towards you and needs to understand that this is UNACCEPTABLE behaviour.

Do not blame yourself, you are doing your best and obviously have a good relationship with her most of the time. She is pushing your boundaries as teenagers do, you need to come down on her like a ton of bricks now so she realises she has gone too far.

Wish you all the best.

Woolly
I do feel sorry for you but that's no help at the moment is it? How about taking the landline away BEFORE she comes in from school?
Also how about limiting the laptop somehow? Maybe take it from her for a few days and then reintroduce it slowly say one hour at a time but not in her room? She seems to be very territorial about her room so you are at a disadvantage once she goes in there with it.
Try not to tackle her on your own. Is there a close friend who could be there at the appropriate time? Sometimes a stern word from another adult gives them a real shock and they start to toe the line for a bit.
Good luck with it all, it's your daughter who has a problem really but you are suffering from it.

Ah Woolly, I really feel for you. Dsd1 is behaving in a similar fashion (although she wouldn't dare to try and hit me or her dad, she has lashed out at her poor mum more than once). It did seem to me that it's far worse just before she starts her period, and we got her a calendar to mark with a when she felt bad. Guess what? There's a monthly pattern, and she and her mum are off to the gp next week armed with that info to see what can be done. We've also had a pow-wow (which has NEVER happened before as dp and ex really don't get on) and agreed strategies and standing together regarding punishment and consequences as up til now dsd has been able - and more than willing - to play her mum and dad off against each other. Know this isn't helpful particularly, apart from letting you know you're not alone, and it's not just your dd who is capable of behaving so badly

I called police out on thurs night on my own dd, also 14. She was messing around with a lighter and threatened my other dc with it

Police came out

They were very good actually and really talked to her ( history of bad behaviour here) they stayed nearly 2 hours talking through strategies for dealing with anger etc. One officer had teens of his own, the other female officer was new to the job.

Computer history shows she's been looking at police recruitment! Will see, but maybe they got through to her/inspired her.

So don't be afraid to call them, could be a good thing

Totally agree with your last post leQueen

I hope you haven't posted whilst I'm typing this...to say mutznutz is a twat or something

(Hits reply button fast)

Woolly... I don't come to MN much now but had to post in support.

I have 2 DDs, youngest is 19. When I read your original post, it just took me back to teen times with my DD1. I had soooo many incidents like this... we locked horns continually and yes, it got physical at times. She never really 'hit' me but it usually involved a tussle when I would be trying to get in her bedroom to do what you were doing, and she would be holding the door closed... some pushing and shoving, or snatching back of a phone, or me trying to turn the power off to the laptop... you get the picture.

I honestly thought that it would be like that forever... that nothing would ever change because it was a nightmare whilst I was going through it at the time. She never did anything bad but she would not accept anything I said. She pushed the boundaries day in day out and it was exhausting.

I digress! What I am trying to say is.. you WILL come through it. DD1 is 22 next week and my god have things improved. Being away from home she has learnt you have to give and take whoever you live with. Yes, we still argue and bicker, and sometimes the arguments are more than I would want... we can still reduce each other to tears! But we both have learned and she is a total delight now.

You may think you are never going to get through this but you will. Just be consistent, that is the only advice I can offer.

Hang on in there

x

Thanks helliebean. I know this is all about pushing boundaries etc., and hope I experience the light at the end of the tunnel that you mention!

I'd be very reluctant to involve the police, as many have suggested. It seems a bit like using a sledgehammer to crack a nut and I fear it would alienate her more.

I'm definitely going to take on some of the other suggestions on here though...

Thanks for all your responses. It helped.

Hmm but she has to learn violence is not acceptable . How are you going to get through to her? What if she starts using violence outside the home? Needs nipping in the bud!

I was a rebellious teen, and behaved awfully to my parents (who were very relaxed, few boundaries) but I was never physically abusive. I just don't think I had it in me, although they may have prefered that to some of my behaviour.

Anyway, is there anything you can do with a focus on anger management? I've worked with young offenders in the past (not suggesting your daughter is like this!) who describe red mist, feeling out of control etc. and it's very upsetting for them also, and hard to manage. Could this be something that needs to be addressed? So she can learn how to respond in non-violent ways. That, teamed with the threat of calling the police in for a chat if it happens again, which is fair idea (although might it be seen as a bit of a 'trophy' in her friendship group? Or would she be ashamed?).