...not to want to be thumped by my 14 year old?

[woollyideas]

Need to rant.
My DD has always been forthright and outspoken but now that she's a teen she has become downright rude and abusive.
Occasionally she lashes out at me, but tonight she's gone for it big time.
We had an argument when I told her to get off the phone and laptop and start getting ready for bed. It was 10 o clock. At 10.15 I reminded her and at 10.30 I went upstairs to remove laptop and landline phone from her bedroom. She refused to hand over the phone, put it under the duvet and lay down on top of it.
Me: 'Give me the phone.'
Her: 'Can't make me.'
(repeat many, many times like stuck record)
Me: 'You are about to be grounded and have a TV ban for two days if you don't hand over the phone.'
Her: 'Enjoy the power.'
Me: 'Give me the phone.'
Her: 'No.'
Me: (Lose rag and take duvet off bed and tell her to sit up so I can get phone.)
Her: Don't touch me (thumps me)
I got the phone and went downstairs.
She followed me downstairs punching me.
I saw her mobile on kitchen table and removed it, knowing she'd probably go straight on FB/start texting her friends until about 1 a.m., which is frequently her response to any disagreement.
Her: Give me my phone etc. (starts punching me).
Punch, punch, punch, etc.
And then one real hard, swinging punch at me, which is already showing a big red weal.
I found it very, very hard not to retaliate and probably handled the whole thing very badly.
Feel like crap now.

from what you have said you havnt been too laid back. but I wouldnt say punching your mum is normal teenage behavour? tho not too sure as I never hit my mum. thats why I think you really need to talk with her.

I would want to set some boundaries together and find out how reasonable she thinks her behaviour was and what she thinks you should do about it and take it from there. I tend to find that this sometimes the best reasoning. well it works with my 4 year old. ie. tantrum over the tv this morning after several.

she thinks no tv tomorrow morning, well she had a shock and realises her bahaviour of laying on the stairs kicking her wellies at me and screaming at the top her lungs, is not on after being informed its no tv ever on a school morning. I find its far better to avoid these situations if possible I know its not always.

so maybe to prevent this you could agree a time in the evenig when phone, laptop and mobiles come out of the bedroom. If it doesnt happen then simply they wont be allowed in bedroom for a week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks etc untill she can follow the rules.

Sounds awful, but is this typical teenage behaviour? I never hit my mum no matter how angry I was though I wasn't particularly rebellious. Some seem to think this is normal and carrying on as you are, taking a way priviledges etc is enough, but what if it escalates - are you scared of her? Sorry to hear you are going through this and sounds especially tough as a single parent with no other backup or support - hope someone with more experience of this can offer you good advise.

begonyabampot - no I'm not scared of her. TBH - and I can't believe I'm writing this - I could easily 'overpower' her in terms of size and strength if I wanted to, which I don't.

I do think she takes advantage of the fact that there's only one of me (and only has been for the last 12 years) and I do think this one parent/one child relationship creates a particular family dynamic. We are very close usually.

I wouldn't have dreamed of hitting my parents either, but they ruled by intimidation and thought nothing of using me and my sister as a punchbag, or worse... Plus my dad was 6'4" and built like a brick shithouse.

If you can overpower her, then I suggest you do and restrain her. Because otherwise she thinks she can over-rule you by her strength. And you dont need repeats of this behaviour.

I am not saying give her a good hiding or to have her scared of you, BUT you have to have her respect, which is the most important thing ever.

Ask her what she would do if she saw some random person hitting you? Chances are she will say she would protect you.. so build on that.

I think (as a 41yr old who would never have raised a hand to my Mum) that teenagers nowdays don't really know where the boundaries lie as much as we did.

I grew up in a very loving but fairly strict family of 5. My parents (mainly my Mum) weren't opposed to smacking us. Swearing was a definite no-no...even the word crap was not acceptable in front of parents. Teachers were not afraid to discipline us...and when they did, it was a very rare moment if a parent didn't back the teacher up.

We sat up straight when speaking to 'professional' adults...like teachers, Doctors, etc and we called our parents brothers and sisters 'Aunt so and so' and 'Uncle so and so' (even our parent's closest friends) as a term of respect.

It all seems so different now...there seems to be no healthy 'generational gap' if that makes sense?

I'm not for one second condoning what your daughter did OP...but there does seem to be more teenagers and even children putting themselves on a par with adults and not having that 'respect thing' that we had years ago.

Teens these days seem to have been taught that THEY deserve respect...

The vast majority of violent crime amongst teens is because of "respect"..

Too many parents now seem to make the mistake of being best mates with their teen.. which is not the best way.

You should be a parent first and foremost and you should have the respect of your kids, because if you dont have that then really, you dont have anything.

Mutznutz, I agree with you on this one. I've had dealings with physically abusive teens in the past.

I would wait until a calm moment appeared tomorrow and then explain why its not ok to hit people - especially your mum. If there is a mark, in some ways even better, show it to her and make her feel bad about what she has done, explaining THAT is why she doesn't have her mobile etc.

(Different things work for different people, but this is what my partner and I did with a friends teens when she couldn't cope any more and we were left with 2 scary teens for a fortnight and it did work.)

Next I would write out a list of "expectations" What she can expect of you and what you expect from her. And stick it on the wall.

ie,

you, cook dinner, clean the house, pay for food, You collect her from school, you take her to places,etc

She, Keeps her room tidy, brings her washing to the machine, gets up when asked, goes to bed by ( whatever time) speaks to you as she wants to be spoken to.

If she helps with certain chores ( washing up / hoovering etc) then she can get extra priveledges. ( extra screen time / top ups/ whatever)

Both of you have to show respect for each other, and you need to find an activity to do together even if it means feigning an interest in some shite group or game that she likes to play, shopping, watching funnies on youtube, anything because you need to keep the bond between you going, otherwise she will cease to care whether you are dissapointed in her or not. At that point it will get much more difficult to pull her back.

I'm dreading the teen years with my own kids, hope you are ok.

Sorry - have to add I hope I don't come across in the above as smug at all - and I used to work with teens who had been in trouble with the police many years ago, which is where the responsabilities board idea comes from. :)

Hmm, obviously she can't be allowed to hit you (or anyone else) because she can't get her own way.

But, I have to wonder why you're so insistent she goes to bed you want to remove items of her property from her to try to ensure that happens. Fourteen = old enough IMO to be making mistakes around 'not-getting-enough-sleep=too-tired-to-function-the-next-day' and she's going to have to make some of those mistakes. Her not going to bed when you think she should (and you'll be right about the amount of sleep she ought to have to function well) impacts only on her, not on you, so why start an argument about it?

agree with Mutznutz in that the relationships and boundaries have changed between parents and children from in the past(now getting scared thinking of my 2 in a few years). As you have said it's just the 2 of you and you can be very close maybe it's that closeness and informality (more like sisters perhaps at at times?) that makes her think she can hit you. I would never have hit my parents or anyone out in the street etc - but my siblings were more than fair game.

@ karen

Trouble is tho that if she is shattered she will be very grouchy in the morning which almost guarantees an arguement at getting up time which starts the whole catch 22 rolling again, If she has to go to school then she has to get up on time or she will miss school, if she misses school that will be a bonus and a reward for staying up late.

How do you get a knackered teen out of bed to school when they are too tired to function???

I don't know what to say except my sympathise are with you, hope you work something out.

I like what KickArseQueen suggests
as you can implement it straight away

Stick with TV ban. If you pay for her cellphone, stop paying. Remove all privileges. And - threaten her with the police. Its horrible because she is your child. But she is violent, and you are the victim of domestic violence. Not to mention bullying - I bet your daughter wouldnt try that with others of her own age or she'd likely get a good punch back and she knows that. Youre her mum, she doesnt respect you and is doing what she knows she can get away with. I feel sorry for you, what an absolutely terrible situation. But you have to sort it, before it gets worse..if what youve done so far hasnt worked its time to take it up a level. One thing I do know is, NOBODY should have to put up with violence against their person.

i would have phoned the police and had her arrested.

i wouldn't have taken this off a strager - why should i off my own children.

oh hell no.

With custardo. The boys in blue would have been round very quickly. If a person in the street did what your D did, you wouldn't take it.
I also very at Karen.

I think if you had been talking about a DS some of these responses would have been quite different. Men are not the only perpatrators of DV,and your DD is setting a very dangerous precedent.

What if she doesn't get her own way in school? Will she lash out at another pupil? A teacher?

i am even about this myself but here goes: Hit her back!

She'll never hit you again. It will make her feel so rubbish that she will realise how it makes you feel.

Well, thats what i would have done with my DD1, who is 20 and towers over me!

BUT i do recognise that this isnt the correct approach, and probably the best course of action is to sit her down, when you are both relaxed, get a girlie film etc and talk about how it makes you feel. Is this a new thing that she is doing? Its crap being a teenager and sometiems that all is needed to precipitate bad behaviour, but if its out of the blue, maybe she has stuff going on?

karen2205
I was not 'removing items of her property' initially. The laptop is mine (so ours) and the landline is mine (so ours). I feel quite entitled to remove them if I want to use them or if I think she doesn't need to be on the phone to her friends at 10.30 at my expense... The removal of her mobile was punishment for punching me. Of course I can't 'make' her go to sleep. If she wants to lie in bed staring at the ceiling until 2 a.m. or watching DVDs with the sound off that's her business, but I'm not going to actively encourage it. TBH I'm a bit surprised at your response.

Kickarse
I like your suggestions. I'm sure I'll get lots of sniggering and sneering and 'you think you're so great, but you're pathetic' stuff from her, but I'll tough it out and see where we get. I do like the idea of the expectations list, thanks.

I do agree with the people who said kids have little respect these days. Only last night her friend was complaining about being grounded saying her parents were "well out of order 'cause all she'd done was swear at her dad..."

Brightlightsandpromises
Don't think I could bring myself to do that. I'm MUCH bigger and taller than her and would probably hurt her if I did that. Also my parents battered me and I hated it and have never forgiven them.

It is a new thing. She started her periods about a year ago and there's a definite hormonal link to these outbursts. I'm wondering if a visit to the doc is in order but not sure what they could offer. It is crap being a teenager, I agree. Being single mum to bolshie teenager is possibly crapper though!

My daughter gets awful pmt, yes - docs might be good, talk about things like evening primrose etc, vit B12 and maybe as a last resort, contraceptive pill (i had to have that because i was vile too!).

She does love you though, she just feels safe that she can push the bounderies with you - but she needs to know she has crossed the line.

Have you thoght about asking the school if they have seen any behaviour changes?

This behaviour is more born of girls than it is boys.

Im real sorry you are having so much difficulty with your daughter, you showed remarkable restraint.

I can't offer any advice as I have boys, my sister went through the same with her girls though from 12 till 18.