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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my brother BU about Duke of Edinburgh scheme?

45 replies

seeker · 13/01/2011 17:12

My dd and my dn are in Year 10 at the same school. Dd is a "joiner" - choir, form captain, first in the queue to volunteer for open evening - a bit of a Chalet School-type goodie goodie, if I'm honest. And a keen Scout outside school as well. Dn isn't - goes to school, does her work and goes home again - has no desire to be Dimsie of the Fourth!
The all applied for DofE this year - 28 places, 39 applicants. Dd gets a place, dn doesn't.

I discovered today that db is seriously pissed off about this - thinks the school was 'unimaginative" in its choices -and particularly thinks that Scouts should be barred from applying for D of E. Is he right? Should I be a bit apologetic?

OP posts:
curlymama · 13/01/2011 17:14

Of course he is not right. What have you got to apologise for? Someone elses descision?

PonceyMcPonce · 13/01/2011 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

snowmash · 13/01/2011 17:15

There are usually open groups around that do it. YANBU.

charliesmommy · 13/01/2011 17:15

Sounds like he is jealous, and also sounds like his daughter wouldn have wanted to go anyway!

Original poster
seeker · 13/01/2011 17:16

I think because dd got a place and dn didn't and he thinks she got it unfairly. He thinks that the places should not have gone to the "obvious" people. Which, I have to say they seem to have done.

OP posts:
tyler80 · 13/01/2011 17:17

How were the places decided? Lottery or as implied by the word 'choices' some other way?

TBH it sounds like his niece would get more out of it than your daughter, but you didn't make the decision.

silverfrog · 13/01/2011 17:17

no, he is not right.

from the school's perspective, I imagine they would rather have children who are more likely to stick it out doing the DofE (which award?) it gets quite tough as it goes on, and requires staying power.

your dd had proved she is keen on these activites, and will do her best.

your dn hasn't (to the school)

'snot rocket science (the choice)

tyler80 · 13/01/2011 17:18

I actually think it's pretty poor of the school to limit numbers for stuff like this.

Bathsheba · 13/01/2011 17:18

Can your DD not do her DofE through the scouts and free up a school place...??

scrappydappydoo · 13/01/2011 17:18

Does your dd have the opportunity to do DofE with the scouts? If yes then I think it would fair for her to give up her place with the school for someone else (not necessarily dn) the everyone wins but if not then well I presume it was done by lottery rather than cherrypicking so YANBU its just the way things work out sometimes.

AgentZigzag · 13/01/2011 17:18

If you know your DN is like that, why does her dad not know it wouldn't be her kind of thing?

You've got nothing to be apologetic about, and he perhaps ought to find other more important things to get seriously pissed off with.

PonceyMcPonce · 13/01/2011 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dockate · 13/01/2011 17:19

Tough! You have nothing to be apologetic for! If school's choice was random, fine, if not, then the more deserving child got it IMO. Hope she enjoys it; I loved it!

xstitch · 13/01/2011 17:19

You have nothing to apologise for. It was the school's decision not yours.

ashamedandconfused · 13/01/2011 17:20

if it has been done any way other than "first come first served" and then those unlucky put on a waiting list, in case anyone selected drops out, its unfair

IMO

brimfull · 13/01/2011 17:20

'I actually think it's pretty poor of the school to limit numbers for stuff like this.'
-it is runs by volunteers and they are limited to the numbers so not a lot school can do.

ashamedandconfused · 13/01/2011 17:22

of course they have to limit numbers - how many spaces they have in school minibuses, adult to pupil ratio, etc, for a start!

Goblinchild · 13/01/2011 17:22

In my children's school, I disliked the way the scheme was run, because I felt it really wasn't inclusive. I have no idea if this is how it works nationally.
In our case, the children had to apply as a member of a team, already organised by themselves. No allowances made for children without a close friendship group of like-minded types. No help sorting out leftovers into teams.
So if your dn is a similar sort, perhaps she didn't jump through the requisite hoops on her application form. Was she desperate to do it, or was it her dad's idea?
I think your DB is being unreasonable though, children should have the choice of whom they carry out the D of E with.
I sympathise with him, but you have nothing to apologise for.
When I found that they didn't have enough CRB checked parents to cover a hike/camp I stayed silent.

tuggy · 13/01/2011 17:24

Well they've gone to the obvious people for the obvious reason!

The school doesnt want to invest the time/money in a child with a higher % of dropping out half way through.

Seems like this is a good first lesson for DN. At least it is over something "relatively" unimportant so she can learn the lesson before uni application, or job application etc.

Moral of the story - the "obvious" ones will get picked!!

Original poster
seeker · 13/01/2011 17:25

They had to write 100 words about why they wanted to do it.

They don't do D of E through Scouts, but they do lots of other things and if I had thought about it, I think I might have suggested she not take up a place, to be honest, but I didn't, and it's too late now - they are half way through planing their expedition.

Oh bother.

OP posts:
2blessed2bstressed · 13/01/2011 17:28

Not your problem - and no need for you to apologise. I think the obvious people got chosen for the obvious reasons, as others have already said.

silverfrog · 13/01/2011 17:29

seeker, don't feel guilty abut this.

your dd is doing something she enjoys, and has either been lucky enough to get a place, or has "earned" her place through previous form and a good application.

dn was unlucky not to get a place.

did dn give any indication that she really, really wanted to do this? from what you said earlier, it doesn't sound as though she is the DofE sort - turning up, doing your hours and going home again at first opportunity, no sport, no extra-curricular stuff, doesn't sound very DofE to me.

tyler80 · 13/01/2011 17:32

"The school doesnt want to invest the time/money in a child with a higher % of dropping out half way through."

But how does someone get to prove themselves if they're never given the chance.

I'm uncomfortable with schools being less than inclusive in supporting all their students at this age. My school didn't do D of E but we did similar things and it was always everybody who wanted to do something could, e.g. Outward Bound with financial assistance available for those who needed it (and this was a bog standard comprehensive)

borderslass · 13/01/2011 17:34

Yes he is BU DS is doing his duke of Edinburgh [he doesn't want to but goes to a special school and they all do it in S5 16/17] and they have to do a club,physical activity/sport, volunteering and an expedition so if your dn just does school and home it doesn't sound like she's really a suitable candidate for doing it.

brimfull · 13/01/2011 17:34

basically down to logistics tyler