Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I'm not BU (?), but WWYD? Babies vs career/husband.

87 replies

JaneS · 13/01/2011 15:33

Well, I've just been to my brother's wedding, which was beautiful. His wife is pregnant with their first child, and looked absolutely lovely and so happy. Now, I'm pretty broody and have been for a while (hence the presence on MN), but now isn't a great time for me and DH. I'm guessing that everyone feels a little emotional/excited when a family member is pregnant.

DH and I are both quite young, he has a job that pays a little and I am a post-grad student. Once I've finished my post-grad and got a job, DH wants to do a post-grad too. So, for at least the next 3 years and potentially the next 6, we will (with luck) be solvent but the money will be tight. It's possible DH won't get funding for his postgrad, in which case we can just about cope but there will be no money spare at all, and we will probably need to take out loans.

If we have a baby in a couple of years, the pros are that DH thinks he'll be better able to look after a baby if he's studying, rather than working (this is probably true). And I will, with luck, be earning some money. I would probably have less time for the baby and more demands from work, but DH would feel happier about it.

The cons are that I will be trying to get my career off the ground and will have a small baby - and DH won't be able to do all the care (nor would I want him to). At the moment, I am studying but am well ahead with my work, so could probably afford more time now than I could later.

I don't think there's a 'right' answer, but I'd appreciate any advice you can give. I should also say, so that you know, that part of my broodiness comes from the fact that when I was 18 I was expecting a baby, and my parents insisted I have an abortion, which I was very sad about. I suspect I am partly reacting to that, as I was so happy to be pregnant then.

Would be very grateful for thoughts/advice/perspective.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 17/01/2011 11:28

I'm doing a PhD and there's a definite possibility I might have a baby during it :) I would get 4 months paid maternity leave, i.e. they'd keep paying my stipend during that period and I'd get a corresponding extension to the stipend at the end. Presumably I could take additional unpaid leave, but don't imagine I would want to do that.

I think it depends a bit what you want to do afterwards - if you want an academic career I have heard that it's best to have your baby either during your PhD or when (if!?) you're in a permanent academic post, the inbetween post doc-ing years are probably the least suitable. That's my justification for wanting to do it sooner rather than later, also I'm a bit older than you (almost 30) so don't want to risk waiting too long to TTC as you never know how long it might take...

Original poster
JaneS · 17/01/2011 18:52

kiwi - possibly it's not necessary for DH's career (he doesn't yet know), but for what I want to do, the PhD is necessary (hence the bits about academia in this thread, which is what I want to do). I do see that if I change my mind, it'd be so much time wasted, but that's the chance everyone takes when they train for a job, I think.)

ephiny - ooh, how exciting for you! Smile

Unfortunately, it sounds as if your view that the postdoc years are a bad time is pretty much the consensus - but DH is pretty clear now is not right for him. At least now he does understand some of the pressures a bit more and is thinking about it all, so that's good.

OP posts:
Awre · 26/07/2011 15:47

I am writing up my thesis and had my second child a year ago and I was lucky as my funding body paid me 6months full-time maternity pay and then I had the option to take a furthe 6months interrruption which was unpaid which I did take. Sounds like you are doing really well so you'll be fine doing this. You have to factor in the childcare though as I only pay a childminder for 18hours a week and then my DH has both our kids on Sundays to give me some additional time but it is not really enough at this stage for me.

I couldn't wait though as I am 39 - and I agree with someone who commented that it is better this way on the CV as there is no (hopefully) gap after the PhD - and I can seize the moment of having the PhD and applying for postdocs etc.

LavenderBrown · 26/07/2011 16:09

I am so sorry that you were forced to have an abortion. That must have been awful.

I would go for it. You will always think of reasons do delay having children.

I was 22 when I had my first and DH was 25. We couldn't be happier. I regret not starting sooner!

fanjobanjowanjo · 26/07/2011 16:20

Money and careers come way behind the fact you indicate your DH isn't ready yet.

THATS the most important issue here, don't force him if he isn't ready yet. That would be just as bad as you being forced into an abortion you didn't want.

ImperialBlether · 26/07/2011 16:43

You were in an awful situation when you were young and I'm really sorry for that.

The thing is, this desperate feeling to have a child doesn't actually go away (for many people - certainly not for me!) What will you do if you have a couple of children now and then still feel it?

Firstly, why do you both need PhDs? What sort of careers are you wanting?

Secondly, I wouldn't have a baby with a man I didn't know for a hell of a long time, particularly if he's from a non-EU country which may have different ideas on what happens if a couple get divorced.

Thirdly (regretting this listing) I wouldn't have a baby with someone who wasn't absolutely totally committed to the idea. He is VERY young. Wouldn't it be much better to let him get a career underway, first?

In my opinion, your twenties are for training, getting started in a career, buying a house, having fun, travelling and getting to know someone well. You have LOADS of time, you really do.

ImperialBlether · 26/07/2011 16:44

But when people say "You won't regret! I didn't!" that is such rubbish. Everyone's situation is completely different.

Whatmeworry · 26/07/2011 16:53

At 26 you have at least 3-5 years to get going, and I think the number of well educated 24 year old men trying to forge careers who want kids is very, very small.

Also, while finishing your education is not the right time to start a family.

I'd wait.

DuelingFanjo · 26/07/2011 16:55

yanbu.

skidd · 26/07/2011 16:57

Haven;t read the whole thread so apologies if someone has already said this but most funding bodies will give you 6 months paid mat leave (research councils definitely will). I had 2 DC during my PhD and it was great because I could be so flexible

Insomnia11 · 26/07/2011 17:21

For my two penn'orth there is no way I'd be able to be pregnant or have a small baby and study, personally.

cornflakegirl · 26/07/2011 17:48

This is an old thread (January) that has been bumped.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page