I know I'm not BU (?), but WWYD? Babies vs career/husband.

[JaneS]

Well, I've just been to my brother's wedding, which was beautiful. His wife is pregnant with their first child, and looked absolutely lovely and so happy. Now, I'm pretty broody and have been for a while (hence the presence on MN), but now isn't a great time for me and DH. I'm guessing that everyone feels a little emotional/excited when a family member is pregnant.

DH and I are both quite young, he has a job that pays a little and I am a post-grad student. Once I've finished my post-grad and got a job, DH wants to do a post-grad too. So, for at least the next 3 years and potentially the next 6, we will (with luck) be solvent but the money will be tight. It's possible DH won't get funding for his postgrad, in which case we can just about cope but there will be no money spare at all, and we will probably need to take out loans.

If we have a baby in a couple of years, the pros are that DH thinks he'll be better able to look after a baby if he's studying, rather than working (this is probably true). And I will, with luck, be earning some money. I would probably have less time for the baby and more demands from work, but DH would feel happier about it.

The cons are that I will be trying to get my career off the ground and will have a small baby - and DH won't be able to do all the care (nor would I want him to). At the moment, I am studying but am well ahead with my work, so could probably afford more time now than I could later.

I don't think there's a 'right' answer, but I'd appreciate any advice you can give. I should also say, so that you know, that part of my broodiness comes from the fact that when I was 18 I was expecting a baby, and my parents insisted I have an abortion, which I was very sad about. I suspect I am partly reacting to that, as I was so happy to be pregnant then.

Would be very grateful for thoughts/advice/perspective.

A quick rule of thumb. There is NEVER a right time to have a child.

You're too young/old/fat/thin/you want a career/you want a promotion/you can't work/you can't pay childcare/the house is too big/too small/wrong area and the list goes on and on.

For what it's worth my son is 11 months old and I am just finishing up my Masters. It is possible to balance uni and reproducing!

I have no intentions on getting a job, but I intend to homeschool so I pushed to boat out and finished what I intended to do from when I decided to go to university.

It is possible, but if you're waiting for the right time, it'll never come.

I would say that because your DH is very young and doesn't sound as if he is ready to have children you should hold off for a couple of years. I had my first at 30 but I do think it is better to have your first in your twenties if you have that option. So I guess wait a couple of years and your DH will probably be ready and you will be still be young.

Oh and I'm 24-and while "out of my peer group"- they have to slaughter themselves up the career ladder, I think it's harder to find a man, marry him and give birth if I'm honest.

god - difficult to advise really all I can do is tell you my experience by comparison.

Didn't have any kids with 3 longish term ex-Ps prior to meeting my DH at 30. AM REALLY GLAD OF THIS! (I also went through something of a teenage type rebellion aged 27, which probably won't happen with you as you sound a lot more grounded and grown-up now than I was at your age.

So in short, I wouldn't have been ready for kids before 30 (and even up to 33, DH and I were having quite a party and I am glad I had that time with him of just going out and having fun because we sure as hell don't get the chance now!)

However when we started TTC nothing happened for ages and eventually, on the cusp of IVF I got pregnant naturally, but 3 years older than I had intended which now has (potential) consequences for my wrinkly ovaries if we want more kids (which we do but can't currently afford). Indeed, it may not happen, which saddens me.

The way I see it here are some PROS and CONS to having them younger

PROs
You will have more energy than I do to run around after a toddler this is important!
You will be able to get your baby years out of the way and then concentrate on a career after that.
You will not be a wrinkly at the school gates
You will not have to interrupt a career for babies when its at its peak.
You are more fertile and have reduced risk of miscarriage/other complications when you're younger

CONS
You will be poorer for a while until babies grow up and you start earning properly
You will not embark on the career ladder til later
This may delay getting on the housing ladder or whathaveyou
You may be stuck at home while other friends are still footloose and fancy free
Are you and DP ready to be tied down (esp him being younger male)? I was an older mum but I still miss the freedom of going out.

Anyway, hope that is some help!

LRD - there will always be Pros/Cons no matter when you are considering it.

Frankly, as long as you are in a good relationship (only you can answer that, honestly, to yourself) then I would 'go for it' now - you never know how long it will take for you to get pregnant (this time, with DH) and unless you could live with the idea of never having children, I would start on it asap.

Thanks everyone for the advice. This is really helping me to think!

tittlemouse - yes, that is the sort of thing that worries me. I could have a difficult pregnancy; I could have a baby who needs constant care, maybe even for the rest of his or her life. I don't know what one does given those are always possible outcomes. I think, myself, that DH is being overly optimistic about studying with a baby or small child around. I have already done the course he wants to do, and I found it hard work. My worry is also that, in practice, he might very often want to give me the baby to look after, which would be lovely in one sense, but if I ended up doing all or most of the childcare, I would struggle to make a career. To be fair, I should say it is likely DH will find his studies easier than I found mine, as I am very dyslexic and he is not - so I may be being overly pessimistic.

His field is ancient history; mine is medieval studies. Btw, we would of course not go ahead if we weren't both convinced! Thanks so much.

lady - thanks, and good luck with homeschooling! Sounds lovely.

dragontattoo - thanks. However, I think waiting 'a couple' of years is not an option really. DH thinks it might be, but in honesty I think it is either now, next year, or in several years time when I am in my mid-30s (the worry being, what if we struggle, or what if it's my late 30s and we have problems?)

sausage - thanks so much for that post, I will get my DH to look at it and have think. You make good points.

So the options are....

now - you doing PhD, him working

soon - him doing PhD, you working

later - both working

is that right?

Aha! I see that you are in a much more flexible position than I was. Part time would have been impossible for us. Our lives completely revolved around the work.

LadyoftheManor is right, there is never the perfect time to have a baby. If you have children young, you also have the option of the second lease on life in your forties when your children are teenagers, while I am still dealing with little children and completely knackered. :)

But I still think that it is worth looking into the depths of exhaustion that even NT babies can send you into - in the spirit of hope for the best, prepare for the worst. I wasn't on MN when I was TTC and I went into parenthood completely unprepared for quite how shattering it can be.

*Chipping - thanks for replying.

We are in a good relationship. I suppose the worry is, what if this ruins it? Against that, what if DH never thinks 'this is the right time'? I doubt either of those outcomes, but can't be sure.

Also, what if (like my mother), I have children and lose my career? My mum is not a happy person - she earned around the same as (in fact, I believe slightly more than) my dad when she stopped work to have babies. She then did not work until I was 16 or so, and she is very frustrated and unhappy. I don't know how to avoid that.

I agree with Trillian.

"She then did not work until I was 16 or so"

How you avoid that is do not give up work and get someone else to look after your child/children while you are at work (be that part time or full time)

Sorry, that was just logic and not really useful.

Seriously: trill, that's basically the options. Of course, it will feel different, depending on whether he's doing a funded or unfunded course, and whether I get a tiny stipend, or a proper job. So there could be some quite different financial situations there.

We will be 24/26 when DC1 is born (I turn 25 in June). I have an unstable job that looks good for me getting a funded PhD after I finish my Masters, DH has a relatively stable job.

There is no right time. I wanted kids young, DH wasn't opposed, in fact he was relatively pro the idea, and although on reflection a couple of things aren't ideal, we're solvent and healthy! It happened, we're pleased about it doesn't mean I don't wobble occasionally and think this is the wrong time.

If you want kids then try. If they happen they happen and it will work out. If you wait until mid-late 30s there's a greater chance it won't happen.

But! If your DH is very opposed then I would leave it.

trillian - I know that on the face of it, there are obvious ways in which I could avoid doing what my mother did. But in reality, I would be worried. Partly, because I know in my field, women with children tend to struggle. Also, it is quite likely my children will inherit the same learning difficulty that I have (apparently, it is more likely than not). If they do, they will need a lot of help, which isn't currently funded.

So, it's not easy.

But I am really glad of your perspective, as I hope you know.

My opinion would be to finish your studies, enjoy the time that is just the two of you, because you never ever get that freedom again, start your jobs, and wait for kids until you are in your early 30's.

You are young, you havent been together all that long and there isnt a rush to have children and spend the next few years trying to juggle everything around.

Just my view. :)

Whoops! Cross-posted with you there. I see that you have thought of a lot of this stuff.

And yes, you are in completely different fields to us. Much more sensible fields, apparently. :)

oh also, I don';t know how relevant this is, but because I was a freelancer when i got pregnant i didn't have maternity pay from a company, but I was eligible for statutory maternity pay form the govt, which came in at about £500 a month, so it was not to be sniffed at. Is it worth starting to pay voluntary NI contributions so you would qualify for this if you choose the "sooner" option? (because its only something like £2 a week for a self-employed person)

(I don't know how that would work from an official point of view - maybe someone else can advise?)

"If your DH is any way reluctant, I'd be inclined to give him a bit more time, tbh."

I agree with nicknametaken - it must be very hard to have babies with a reluctant partner. Perhaps wait just a few years until he is more keen.

Well you know my thoughts and tribulations

Young babies and PhD's go well together (in hindsight). Young babies and early careers are hard but do-able.

Personally I would rather have the baby than the job if it came down to a choice. I would rather risk not having the career - but am biased at having my DC's young.

I have managed both but had to work really really hard.

Personally, if you are going for an academic career, have your babies during your PhD as you will be able to spend more time with them. Or get your job established and negotiate part time when they are small .. but as you know a pt academic job is, well, not really part time.

I can only echo what others have said. There is never a right time to have a baby. You can only consider your current circumstances and consider how a baby would fit into to that. I would absolutely urge you to wait until both you and your DP are ready to have children; do not underestimate the impact it will have on you, your relationship and your outlook on life.

sausagerolemodel, don't think that would work? You can get Maternity Allowance if you have worked for 26 of the 56?66? weeks preceeding the due date. I had my baby at 24 while doing an MA - since I had only worked 22 of the previous weeks, I didn't qualify for any benefits apart from CB & CTC.

As others have said: there is no right or wrong time to have a baby. Only you and your DH can be the judge of that for your situation.

FWIW, I have an 11 month old DS, I had him when I was 25 and in my 2nd year of uni. I studied up until he was born then took a year off to be with him. I am due to go back to uni at the end of January and pick up where I left off.

I have found this year to be golden as a time to bond with DS and to re-assess my life goals etc. Not for everyone, but it worked for us.

LRD, different to you, my DH is 5 years older than I am and we've been together for 10 years (since I was 16!) so we've gone on lots of holidays, had parties etc so don't feel like we're missing out.

Also, he's in a well-paid career already, so I didn't have to worry about money during my year at home with DS.

If there is any doubt in your (or your DH's mind) then hold your horses and bide your time.

But I'd say you are very sensible to think about it early, just try not to micro-manage every little date and detail.

I dont qute understand the time frame to be honest. Do you really only want to have one child? Not 2 or 3?

Are you planning on having 2 very close together? That will put a lot of pressure on whoever is studying and being the main carer at the same time.

If you have one child now and then one 3 years later then it interferes with your future plans further down the line anyway and the advantages of combining study with babies is gone.

Try to think of it as making a family and not just having a baby. A family with 2 parents both happy with the situation and their roles in the family. If you have the time and the option to wait you should.

Of course you can have a baby now but you both need to be 100% commiteed and aware that your plans may change or go awry.