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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think the registrar should mind her own business?

76 replies

DaraMahini · 13/01/2011 12:21

Registered my daughter's bith this morning. As you know, my husband passed away 4 months ago. I was on my own.

  1. The registrar commented that my daughter looks older than 6 weeks (she's 4 weeks)
  1. She asked about the dad. I explained. She said "There isn't much point putting his name on the birth certificate" I almost burst into tears. He is still the father, whether he is here or not :(
  1. She commented on my daughters name. Her name is Adanna Benita. The stupid woman commented on "all these foreign names" she comes across. Adanna is african for "fathers daughter" My husbands name was BEN, hence BENita. Benita is spanish and means BLESSED. My mother's family originate from Africa, my father's from Spain (and I'm French!). The name is PERFECT for my little girl.
  1. I commented on my way out that I didn't like her attitude. She said "I'm just doing my job"... wow.

AIBU??

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 13/01/2011 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JaneS · 13/01/2011 12:42

YADNBU!

I would complain, complain, and then complain some more! How fucking rude and inappropriate.

Btw, your daughter's name is beautiful and very fitting. I'm sure it will mean a lot to her as she grows up.

Sorry for your loss.

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 13/01/2011 12:49

Yanbu - what a silly insensitive woman, definitly make a complaint if you're up to it.
The name is absolutly beautiful xxxxx

Quenelle · 13/01/2011 12:57

YANBU. Complain about her.

So sorry for your loss. Your daughter's name is beautiful.

MissBeehiving · 13/01/2011 12:58

YADNBU.

What a stupid insensitive rude racist woman.

Beautiful names btw

BreconBeBuggered · 13/01/2011 13:00

What a vile experience for you. You definitely did not need this after everything you've gone through. I'd say her behaviour was bordering on gross misconduct. Offensive, insensitive and racist.

aPixieInMyCaramelLatte · 13/01/2011 13:04

YANBU

What a gorgeous name your dd will grow up with and with such a special meaning also.

I agree the registrar was an insensitive bitch and should be told as much.

Definitely write a letter of complaint.

Sorry for your loss.

Slugontoast · 13/01/2011 13:08

YABU.

Sorry for your loss. Your daughter's name is lovely.

She made those comments as you were on your own - felt she could get away with it.

I would make a written complaint,

ThisIsANiceCage · 13/01/2011 13:10

She said "There isn't much point putting his name on the birth certificate"

Shit, is that even legal? I mean, if you don't supply a name that's one thing, but refusing to put the name when you have supplied it is quite another.

Definitely make a written complaint. So sorry for what you're going through.

Gemsy83 · 13/01/2011 13:13

Very inappropriate she doesnt deserve her job- complain.
Sorry about your husband really I am, what happened if you dont mind me asking (am a newbie)

noeyedear · 13/01/2011 13:27

IMO, the 'all these foreign names' comment is racist, and should definately be followed up. If I remember correctly, her name should be on the certificate. I do secretly think some people should be stopped from giving their children stupid names, but your daughter's name is beautiful, and has a beautiful meaning. Complain, as soon as possible, and don't let that horrible, ignorant woman ruin your child's name for you.

catsmother · 13/01/2011 13:30

Wow - that's truly shocking. Can only begin to imagine how poignant this task was for you - and then to be faced with unprofessionalism, rudeness, insensitivity and, arguably, racist remarks "all these foreign names" is just disgusting.

I'm not a registrar, but any idiot knows that sensitivity must be applied to the task. For example, when dealing with people registering deaths. It's also legally imperative that all details are correctly recorded - so her suggestion that there was "no point" in recording your late husband's name was both crass and questionnably illegal (as a previous poster also suggested). It is not "just doing her job" to be disrespectful and cruel, quite the opposite .... and remarking on "all these foreign names" is none of her business and implies she thinks "foreign" names are, for some reason, less valid and/or worthy than so-called "British names".

In fact I remember seeing a job advert for a registrar some time ago and sensitivity was definitely one of the required personal skills !

When you feel able to, please complain about this hag. There was absolutely no need for her to be so unpleasant (your account made me imagine her as a grotesque character from Little Britain) and then there is the issue of her failing to do her legal duty re: your husband's name on the certificate. (I presume you insisted ??) Again, I'm no lawyer, but there must be a variety of potential legal scenarios where it's very important that a child's father is recorded as such - whether or not he's still alive.

So sorry you have had to go through this.

Eglu · 13/01/2011 13:31

YANBU, she was incredibly rude. You had such a difficult time choosing a name and to have that woman be so rude is unforgiveable. Commenting on anyones choice of name is not on. SAying there is no point adding your DHs name is absolutely appalling. Please complain.

Guacamole · 13/01/2011 13:34

Complain dara that is appalling!

GwendolineMaryLacey · 13/01/2011 13:54

Wow I didnt know that your DNA link to your parents was wiped out when they died, how interesting Hmm

What a very stupid, insensitive, thick woman. Am sorry you had to deal with that on top of everything else :(

FindingStuffToChuckOut · 13/01/2011 13:56

the comment about putting the fathers name down, above all, is outrageous and I would formally complain about that (at the very minimum). What an insensitive rascist over concerned busy body this woman is.

Sorry you lost your husband - and congratulations on your little girl who has a lovely name.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 13/01/2011 14:30

Dara tell me where it is and I'll complain for you!

birthdaychick · 13/01/2011 14:42

I would complain. I had a run in with a registrar at my wedding (after a couple of particularly crass comments), I didn't complain and wish I had, she's probably said similar things to other couples. Your registrar was unprofessional and insensitive.
The names you have chosen are lovely and so meaningful, lucky little girl having you as a mum. Congratulations on her birth and I wish both of you all the best for the future.

alicet · 13/01/2011 15:06

Agree you should complain and agree that her name is beautiful and personal.

Agree with idon'tthinksodoyou and sorry but pmsl at your 'i can call him sue if i want your job is just to write it down' One of those fantastic come backs that you usually only think of after the fact!

Hope your dh's name ison the certificate - if nit then with your complaint I would be demanding that they alter it so it is

JamieLeeCurtis · 13/01/2011 15:09

YANBU

That was truly insensitive and unprofessional. Her manager needs to hear about this, if you can bear to write a complain.

JamieLeeCurtis · 13/01/2011 15:09

complaint

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 13/01/2011 15:11

that is unbeleievable.

definitely write a complaint.

slug · 13/01/2011 16:21

You don't live in a London borough that starts with the letter "L" do you? In which case the one Registrars there is notoriously rude. She gave me the cats bum mouth at my daughter's middle name.

Several of my friends have reported the same experience with her. I would have thought that would have been one of the best parts of the job, getting to join in the joy of new parents and, possibly, coo over all those gorgeous newborns.

PatPending · 13/01/2011 16:26

I'm not sure but as others have said is it not a legal requirement to have the father's name on the certificate even if he is no longer alive.

And I'm so sorry for your loss - your little one's name is lovely.

She was a horrible woman and should be pulled up short for that sort of attitude. Insensitive doesn't even come close Angry

Ooooh I'm all fired up on your behalf

LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 13/01/2011 16:33

Just had a look, and you complain directly to the council or borough, so type into Google "complaints birth registry" and the name of your borough.

Please do complain, this is awful. So sorry. :(

I think the names are beautiful and so meaningful too, I love them Hope you're OK. :)

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