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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect friends to keep their commitments?

27 replies

DesperateHousewife20 · 13/01/2011 11:23

Im quite young and have a baby so not all my friends my age do. They are at uni, clubbing, doing part time jobs etc.

I usually meet with them separately at least once a week and quite often one of them will cancel or be really late so its pointless even meeting up.
The friend with a baby is completely understandable, I know its hard getting out with a baby.

Saying that though, Im never late, I hate being late its just not in my nature, Ive always been a good time keeper.

AIBU that the friends who dont have a baby, have no commitment other than seeing me should stick to that plan?

OP posts:
Flojo1979 · 13/01/2011 11:27

YANBU
Its sooo annoying when ppl r late.
But ppl without kids dont realise the mission it takes to get out of the house with kids, u need to be ultra organsied and plan. Maybe ask your friends to meet at your place first then go whereever u r going from there, that way u dont need to get baby ready til they arrive

Original poster
DesperateHousewife20 · 13/01/2011 11:35

Yeah thats what Ive done today and my friend just text me saying she slept in and shes going to be late.

I went out at half 9 this morning to get lunch in, which meant being showered, dressed, baby dressed and fed.

GRR!

OP posts:
Bumblequeen · 13/01/2011 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

ceebs05 · 13/01/2011 11:59

YANBU

this sort of thing really annoys me too - it's so inconsiderate

FindingStuffToChuckOut · 13/01/2011 12:03

one of my best friends is notorious for being late. She always has been. She is otherwise an angel though and is widely forgiven/tolerated/accommodated for this part of her personality. I think you can choose who to accommodate and who you don't. In the past I've let friends go, who have constantly put me out by being late - it's more their attitude that it's OK to leave someone else waiting for you for all that time. So sometimes the person & lateness can be accommodated, other people aren't worth the effort.

I'm pretty good at arriving on time myself - got a bit worse since becoming a Mum (or possibly it's more because I'm often with DP who has little concept of time)

meantosay · 13/01/2011 12:20

YABU if you imply (and maybe I misunderstood) that it is okay for your friend with a baby to cancel plans or be late but anyone without a baby 'has no commitments' and should always show up on time.

However, YANBU to expect people to do their best to keep arrangements, only cancel for good reasons and show up on time.

screamingskull · 13/01/2011 12:27

hmmm finding i am wondering if you know me Smile

seriously though no matter how hard i try to get someplace on time i mostly end up running a wee bit late Sad

otoh though when i do make it on time or a slightly early i am guaranteed the person i am meeting will arive late. sods law

Deliaskis · 13/01/2011 12:33

YANBU to expect people to keep their commitments, or notify you in good time if they can't, but it's not acceptable either to think this is OK for some friends (those with kids) and not others (those without). It's rude either way, but there could be any number of non-baby-related reasons why someone might be late. Whoever it is and whatever the reason, they should let you know in good time if they are not able to keep to their commitment.

D

Honeybee79 · 13/01/2011 12:36

YANBU. It really pisses me off too. I don't mind if people are 10 mins late - transport issues etc - but cancelling at the last minute without very good reason is inconsiderate, as is serious lateness.

MadamDeathstare · 13/01/2011 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coodles · 13/01/2011 12:55

I was due to meet 2 friends for an evening meal at a restaurant last Christmas -unbeknown to me, one had emailed to make it 15 minutes later. I didn't get the email and turned up on time, having had to rush to get there after a nightmare of a day.

The two of them then turned up half an hour after the original time agreed.

I had actually started to put my coat on to leave. For me it was worse because there was no good reason, like a sudden problem - to be that late - they had just been chatting to my friends daughter.

I was told not to make a fuss and that they couldn't have contacted me anyway, but it wrecked the evening and I've barely seen either of them since.

For me it depends on the reason and the venue -had another friend be quite late for a coffee at a cafe, I wasn't bothered because it was a completely different situation -I wasn't surrounded by large groups of partygoers but other people on their own too.

I guess everyone has their own tolerance of things, but if people persistently cancel arrangements or are late without a good reason, its inconsiderate and says to me that they don't really care about the friendship.

KirstyAllsoap · 13/01/2011 13:01

YADNBU

I'm a nutter when it comes to timekeeping. I always rush to get somewhere bang on time and then spend 20 mins waiting while my laid back friends dither about and get there late and relaxed.

Pulling out of arrangements at the last minute unless there is a decent reason is rude and annoying.

When my friend was getting married and I was a bridesmaid we had to arrange loads of things fittings/looking at venues/picking things up etc etc. She was ALWAYS late for EVERYTHING. I felt like as she was the bride I couldn't complain, but it still annoys me now. It's just selfish

TryLikingClarity · 13/01/2011 14:28

YANBU.

My dad brought us up to be great timekeepers and told us that it showed respect and self-discipline.

So many of my friends (usually childless ones) are late with vague excuses and it drives me barmy!

I think it's something to do with never having to think about other people and their time being their own, iyswim. Whereas I'm always thinking about DS and is feeding, changing, napping routines so the clock is always on my mind.

I have also had friends arrange things then show up very late or not at all. I used to keep quiet, but now I tell them if I'm annoyed.

swanandduck · 13/01/2011 15:56

I agree that always showing up late or breaking arrangements is rude and inconsiderate. But, to be honest, the worst person I know for doing this has 2 children. I have certainly not noticed that my child free friends are particularly lax in this regard. I think some people are just like that, always late, always forgetting to cancel until the last moment.

Original poster
DesperateHousewife20 · 13/01/2011 17:10

Of course I know friends without a baby have other commitments, but when they text to say they overslept, well...thats not a commitment is it?

If my friend with a baby text to say she was going to be late because she overslept because she had been up all night with the baby then that is understandable.

OP posts:
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 13/01/2011 17:18

well, i am in two minds about this.

YANBU to think people should keep to their commitments

but

i do think YABU expecting them to.

i have found that the less i expect, the less disappointed i am. people let you down, and they always will. i was in your boat two, i was a teen mum and all my friends were used to lying late, missing classes appointments etc so it wasn't much of a thing for them to cancel on me. but for me, getting up and out with a baby it was a huge let down. so i stopped expecting.

i am noticing now with my sister how little i do actually expect of people. she has gone to australia for a year and every other email is complaining about how nobody in the hostel is talking to her, the friend she was staying with didn't let her know when he was going out for the day, none of the people she was house sharing with tidied after themselves or asked her if she needed anything form the shop etc. my sister, up until that point had been used to the security of living with parents and them doing everything and being dependable so i think it is bit of a shock to her to see that actually no, not everyone cares that much about you and she has to stop expecting anything from people otehrwise she will just have a miserable year and feel let down by everyone, when in actual fact, they are just getting on with their lives. tehy haven't set out to let her down.

belgo · 13/01/2011 17:23

YANBU.

I've learnt that there are two types of people: those who are always on time, and those who are always late. It makes no difference if they have a baby/job etc.

In fact, the more commitments someone has, generally speaking the more reliable they are.

belgo · 13/01/2011 17:25

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo - it's very sad that she has meet those sort of people. Not everyone is like that - there are many people who do care about others, and who still get on with their own lives.

MackerelOfFact · 13/01/2011 17:25

YANBU. I used to always be late for stuff because I hate waiting around for others (incredibly selfish I know, and I have changed my ways!) - these days I think about how long it will feasibly take me to get somewhere then add half an hour. It's much better than rushing around, panicking, a making up an excuse.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 13/01/2011 17:28

i agree belgo but what i was trying to say was that if she tells herself to expect nothing then she wont be as disappointed when she is let down and of course when she isn't let down it will be a bonus. if taht makes sense. i am not saying no-one will ever help her out or be nice to her just that she is doing herself no favours by expecting it from everyone.

belgo · 13/01/2011 17:30

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo - I don't know, I think it's a shame to lower your expectations in people and in turn you may end up lowering expectations of yourself.

I hope she enjoys her gap year.

Original poster
DesperateHousewife20 · 13/01/2011 17:32

Well by the sounds of it Im glad its not just my friends who are not very reliable.

boo I agree with belgo, it sounds like your sister has met some lazy, inconsiderate people really. I wouldnt put up with people not tidying up their mess.

OP posts:
onepieceoflollipop · 13/01/2011 17:35

YANBU

My brother is late 99% of the time. This causes immense stress within the family particularly when there are particular events when it is fairly important to be on time. (e.g. theatre, celebratory meals, funerals etc). I find it infuriating.

On one memorable occasion (fairly low key pub meal out) it was very local to him and he was on time. We were running 5 minutes (literally) late.

We had a sequence of texts plus an outraged phone call about why we were late and what could/should he do. Shock I suggested that perhaps he could just be patient for a moment of two and have drink with his gf whilst waiting. I then turned my phone off but was very Angry

Persistent lateness and unreliability is (imo) a sign of someone being very self absorbed and disrespectful of their family and/or friends.

belgo · 13/01/2011 17:47

Makereloffact - it's great that you have managed to change.

When meeting someone, I usually take a book/work along as most people are late.

SweetKate · 13/01/2011 17:59

Sorry but nothing to do with your friends being young / not having babies. They are rubbish friends. Full stop!

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