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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to worry about my brother

57 replies

seteer · 12/01/2011 20:35

I've had my brother staying with me for the last 5 days, he came Saturday and went home after school today. Last night I had a hysterical boy begging me to let him live with me.
I spoke with him and I'm really concerned with how he is being treated by my mum and stepdad. Apparently they go out to the pub several times a week (neither work) and leave him home alone, leaving him on his own. From what he said I get the impression that no-one spends anytime with him and that he is routinely told he should be grateful that is fed and has a roof over his head. He's 13 by the way

OP posts:

werdator · 12/01/2011 22:30

YABU I bet its nothing like how he describes it

Lara2 · 12/01/2011 22:32

It doesn't sound like hysterics and exaggeration at all. He's your brother, you know him and also the situation he lives in. It really doesn't need to be beatings, screaming etc to cause him immense unhappiness. Constant 'low level' neglect is just as damaging. Can you get funding for him if he lives with you? Wouldn't you be the person who has his child benefit if he lives with you? By the sounds of it, your mum wouldn't contribute anything, but would she prefer he lives with you if she won't actually look after him? Or would she dig her heels in and insist he has to stay with them? What would you like in an ideal world - as in one where you could afford to have him live with you?

MsKLo · 12/01/2011 22:34

you know your brother and if you feel worried, i would take your word for it rather than say yabu about someone i know nothing about

yaNbu! please try to help him, you could make a huge difference. you could get help from ss if he lived with you. your mum and sd dont sound very responsible at all

please help your brother, the effects of good help could change his life

RRocks · 12/01/2011 22:36

And sometimes there is something wrong that needs to be addressed before it gets worse. Even if the boy's concerns are exaggerated there is a problem for him and those who care about him should do what they can to address that. It might be that the parents should examine their behaviour, or they should address the boy's feelings and re-assure him,or both.

kikoline · 12/01/2011 22:51

YANBU I think you need to have a serious talk with your mum and stepdad. This is far from normal behaviour for a 13yo boy and urgently needs redressing.

gretalse · 12/01/2011 23:03

YABU I'd wager that he is exaggerating and how many 13yo boys do you know who want to spend masses of time with their parents.

blackeyedsusan · 12/01/2011 23:06

I would try ringing your mum aand stepdad on a couple of other nights too, to see where they are. I would also ring your brother to see how he is doing. teenagers are dramatic and feel things intensly (and therefore need support), you know him best and know his situation.

I hope that you get it sorted!

lokaku · 12/01/2011 23:18

I think what they are doing is pretty disgraceful to be honest and I'd tell them.

reratio · 13/01/2011 00:09

YANBU It certainly doesn't sound like a very happy existence if they are just leaving him in the house whilst they go down the pub.

laserel · 13/01/2011 08:32

YANBU could he not come and see you if/when they go out to the pub so he's not on his own. Your mum and stepdad don't soundvery good if I'm honest

gingernutlover · 13/01/2011 08:56

how close do you live to them? Maybe you could just let him know he is welcome to come over and watch TV in the evenings if he is lonely?

I think I would be worried too so YANBU

baildonwen · 13/01/2011 12:09

YANBU your parents seem to have forgotten that they have a child to raise. I would definitely bring it up with them.

ChessyEvans · 13/01/2011 12:16

Agree with laserel and gingernutlover - it doesn't have to be all or nothing does it? Just that your door is open to him if your mum and stepdad are out and he is bored or lonely.

beade · 13/01/2011 12:38

YANBU poor kid he sounds lonely and miserable.

vixel · 13/01/2011 13:23

YANBU You know your brother well and it certainly doesn't sound good. Good luck for when you try to deal with this situation.

ladydeedy · 13/01/2011 14:05

I think you need to act. My DH's younger son asked the same of us after several years of emotional neglect by his mother. She also spent many evenings in the pub leaving the children alone (oh, and bringing various men back to spend a noisy night with her - that they would bump into as they made their hasty escape in the morning, lovely..).
He was self harming and thoroughly unhappy and it was affecting his school work and social wellbeing as he felt he couldnt invite friends home, nor go to their homes as he didnt want to return the invite. He was thinking of just running away.
Since he came to us he is like a different person - full of life and positivity. Be warned though, your mum and stepdad may not want to part with the CB and any other income(maintenance from the father?) they may have for having him live with them (this is what we found with the mother).

We have found it hard work but seeing this boy thrive has made it all worth while.
Also, do your mum and stepdad not work by choice? I wonder how they can afford to spend hours in a pub each week? It's expensive!

cikals · 13/01/2011 17:47

I think something needs to be done, the status quo can't be maintained. He is clearly very unhappy with his homelife and with the treatment he recieves from both his mother and his step father both of whom do not appear particulary interested in his happiness and wellbeing. Where is his dad in all this?

Original poster

seteer · 13/01/2011 19:25

ladydeedy- My stepdad is currently unemployed and my mum has never worked. The landlord at the pub they go to is my stepdads best friend so I think they don't pay commercial prices.

cikals- My dad lives in Thailand and only comes home once a year so is of little help really.

OP posts:

ItsMeYourCathy · 13/01/2011 19:36

Some responses here astound me.
Why would anyone automatically not believe a young person and assume they're overreacting?

It's her brother.

I can't imagine not at least talking to the parents. At the very least, he's lonely and upset and that in itself needs addressing.

Dear me.

marriednotdead · 13/01/2011 20:09

Some of the attitudes on here horrify me.

Neglect is just as damaging as other forms of abuse, and to assume he is being a drama queen- WTF. Our young offenders institutions are full of kids who got ignored.

Glad he is being listened to, few boys of that age cry without reason.

I have 2 boys of that age, one who is a real handful with major issues. He came to live with me after precisely that sort of so called parenting.

lilyliz · 13/01/2011 20:33

YANBU I had this as a young teenager and it is extremely lonely and soul destroying,he probably never hears a word of praise for anything he does.I ended up living on readybrek and burgers and chips cos there was never a meal made.I found a gang of girls to hang around with and they were my family,although we did get into some minor trouble.These girls are still great friends and we have all turned out ok but try and be there as much as you can for him and show you love him.

orator · 13/01/2011 21:33

YABU it sounds like he's got you round his little finger. Younger brother goes to his sisters house turns on the waterworks and moans about his "horrible parents" and how they show him no attention. It sounds like typical teenage attention seeking at its worst and you've fallen for it.

ladydeedy · 14/01/2011 13:08

Agree with marriednotdead - boys of that age do not cry without good reason.

Not being able to communicate their feelings and worries is what drives the high level of suicide amongst young men in this country. I am really shocked by some people on here who think he's being a drama queen because he is being neglected emotionally. Is that because it's a boy? I really dont understand it.

RRocks · 14/01/2011 19:00

It's not typical of any teenagers I've ever met.

Granted that different people are different, but that also means that they're not all like the ones you think are typical.

You don't know what is going on here at all because you don't know the people or the situation other than what the OP has posted. There is more than one possible explanation. The brother might be like my brother rather than your version of the typical teenager, in which case he would need intervention to address a persecution complex and other personality disorders before they got out of hand. Or he might just be right about his situation.

I don't understand this tendency in some people to leap to conclusions and berate people you don't even know for something you just assume that they are doing. Perhaps it's lack of imagination.

thefurryone · 14/01/2011 19:06

I can't believe some people are automatically assuming that the OPs brother is lying to her and needs to just get on with things. He's 13 and whilst clearly a bit more independent than a younger child he will still need love and support.

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