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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So be honest; would you turn your child over to the police if he'd/she'd commited a crime?

89 replies

poshsinglemum · 12/01/2011 18:36

I think a similar thread has been done about the student who has been jailed for throwing a fire extinguisher off a roof during a student [protest. WWWYD?

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 12/01/2011 19:33

AllHail, nothing ridiculous about it - it just highlights your distorted view.

KalokiMallow · 12/01/2011 19:33

Why is it a ridiculous question? Do you not think that anyone engaged in criminal activity should face the consequences?

AllHailDaddyPig · 12/01/2011 19:37

Of course they should...but you are not neccessarily rational when it comes to your children are you? If she commited a crime, I'd of course be horrified, but I wouldn't be able to view her as just another criminal I'd want brought to justice, she's my daughter and the instinct to protect her would overide anything else. That's unconditional love. And I can't believe there are people saying they'd turn their own children in for things like petty theft. Obviously these things are wrong, but you'd really ruin your childs life over petty theft? I would always show my horror and say how wrong I thought it was, but ultimately I'd be more concerned about her welfare than anybody elses.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 12/01/2011 19:38

Reporting them is one thing, encouraging them to come forward when there is already photographic evidence is another.

LaWeaselMys · 12/01/2011 19:38

I probably would.

But until you are in that situation you don't know what 'extenuating' circumstances might change your mind...

I would prefer they owned up themselves though, and would encourage them to do that before I handed them over.

maktaitai · 12/01/2011 19:44

Well, thanks for a different view AllHail, I will genuinely think of this if, God forbid, we are in this situation in the future. i HATE petty theft, I think it destroys quality of life and I would be crushed with shame if ds does it. I guess I view him always as part of his community, almost more than part of the family. That can't be right really. I must say, I wouldn't dob him in unless I was pretty certain.

romanygypsywitch · 12/01/2011 19:44

i would stand by my DD no matter what, however actions have consequences and part of life is facing those.

I dont think i would shop her in but encourage her to do the right thing.

Obviously for serious things i would think differently but i will always love her

AllHailDaddyPig · 12/01/2011 19:47

I do understand, and I have been a victim of street crime myself, so it's not as though I'm speaking from ignorance. I'm not saying it would be right of me to protect her no matter what, but I know that I would. As I said earlier, I'd rather go to jail myself than see DD in there. Morally speaking, I'd be in the wrong I know that, and obviously I'm not going to sit down and say to DD 'Hey DD, do whatever you like because no matter what I'd back you up' But in my heart, I know I would.

maktaitai · 12/01/2011 19:52

yes, I feel a bit sad that I know for sure that I would report him, actually i would be more likely to report him than i would be to report one of his friends Sad

AllHailDaddyPig · 12/01/2011 19:55

No, I do understand where you're coming from maktaitai If you are thinking about the good of society, then you would see it as your moral obligation I guess? I do get that. I guess we just see things differently.

scurryfunge · 12/01/2011 19:55

But AllHail, can't you see how destructive that would be for her? To live a life without consequences for your actions is a pretty selfish existence. Do you really want your child growing up knowing a parent would lie and cover up serious crime? If she passes on those ideals to her own children, it just breeds an unhealthy criminal culture of "not grassing".

WhyHavePets · 12/01/2011 19:56

But everyone is someones daughter/son. If we all protected our own to the detriment of all others there would be no criminal justice system at all.

If your daughter was mugged or something terrible but the person was never bought to justice because they were somebodies child and the parent wanted to protect their child you would be (rightly) pissed off. the same applies to your child no matter how much you love them.

Being able to rely on someone is not always about them being on your side, sometimes a child needs to be able to rely on us to do what is right.

In answer to the op, again it would depend on what happened and why it happened but I most certainly would not be against turning my child in. Actions have consequences, for all of us and no-one should be held above the law - no matter how much it may hurt.

AllHailDaddyPig · 12/01/2011 20:01

Yes of course I can, but as I said, I don't plan on sitting her down and saying 'By the way, if you ever commit a crime, don't worry about it I'll protect you.' But I doubt that would make her go and commit a crime anyway. It's very unlikely she will be a master criminal!

Petty theft, vandalism etc...not worth risking her getting a criminal record for, which could potentially put a black mark by her name for the rest of her life.

Anything more serious, well she'd obviously be very unwell to do something like that.

I just would never do it.

KalokiMallow · 12/01/2011 20:03

"But everyone is someones daughter/son. If we all protected our own to the detriment of all others there would be no criminal justice system at all."

Quite. I'd hope that any child of mine knew right from wrong, and refusing to make them face up to wrong decisions would negate that knowledge.

borderslass · 12/01/2011 20:04

YES,DD1[19] got in with the wrong crowd at 13 she was always a good kid never answered us back or anything ,one night I had a bad feeling and checked her bag and found some cannabis she swore it wasn't hers she was sort who'd do anything for anyone with out question [gullible] and although we believed her DH phoned local police and we where told bring her in to have a talk.
She told them who it to but we already knew as he'd come to the door the morning after I found it looking 'for his stuff'. She actually told them she wasn't interested in drugs as at the time she was dancing 4 times a week, doing comps twice a month and wanted to take it up professionally. We went through a couple of months of rough times with her and she hated us which had never happened.
A couple of years ago we talked about it again and she actually said it was the best thing we did for her as it stopped her going down the same track as her so called friends who've been in and out of trouble.
Its called tough love and I would do it again if DD2 got into bother.

scurryfunge · 12/01/2011 20:04

She will be picking up on your attitude without you spelling it out to her, don't you worry.

maighdlin · 12/01/2011 20:06

i admire that woman for turning her son in but i don't think she knew that he would end up with 3 years in the sweetie bottle for it. I used to see it all the time in work when people refused to accept their child had done wrong. "oh my wee johnny wouldn't hurt a fly" "well there is CCTV showing him beat him with a baseball bat" "thats not my wee johnny" etc.

i would hand in my DD for something that she would maybe get a warning for to set her straight (my dad once got a policeman friend to come to the house about the milky way i stole from the shop when i was 10 scared the hell out of me) or any serious matter. i would hmm and ha if it wasn't serious but would end up affecting their future if i did hand them in, like another person said re drugs.

AllHailDaddyPig · 12/01/2011 20:07

I was mugged whyhavepets, I was 8 months pregnant and he cut my face. I had my bag stolen, my purse stolen, and my engagement ring taken. I have a scar, which I see every time I look in the mirror.

It was terrifying, and I did make a complaint to the police. But for somebody to do something like that, they are acting out of desperation...that young mans life was obviously so empty/messed up that he felt he was justified in attacking me. And while I was angry, I thought about the fact that he too had once been an innocent child like my DD, and somewhere along the line something had gone wrong for him which made him that way. So I managed to find sympathy which took away the anger, and believe me I was angry. It greatly reduced my quality of life, but his life must have been much worse to do something like that.

So I don't think it's as simple as that. And yes, despite knowing what it feels like to be a victim of crime, having my life affected by it, I still know that I would never report my DD.

MadamDeathstare · 12/01/2011 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

musicmadness · 12/01/2011 20:12

Petty crime - no I wouldn't unless it was constant and they showed no signs of stopping.

Serious crime (rape, murder, sexual assault etc) - I'd give them the chance to turn themselves in and if they didn't I would go to the police. I was the victim of a (serious) crime when I was a teen and the thought of that persons parents protecting them if I'd gone to the police turns my stomach. I don't think I'd be able to live with myself if I didn't go to the police.

Its academic at the moment anyway.

DandyLioness · 12/01/2011 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frgr · 12/01/2011 20:39

Yes, I would, even if it broke my heart, it is the right thing to do for society, but also the right thing to do to secure the future of DCs - covering up criminal acts teaches them the wrong thing entirely, goes against everything I believe in, and does nothing to help them face the consequences of their actions (or get the help they would need in that situation - either counselling, more support, whatever, before it got worse if it was e.g. mugging or burglary rather than murder, i'm not sure you can rehabilitate that). I'm shocked at some of the posts on this thread, tbh.

AllHailDaddyPig · 12/01/2011 20:41

I care about society too, to a point, but nowhere near as much as I care about my daughter. My beliefs and principals would always take a backseat to DD if they had to, and once again, no I wouldn't demonstrate that in the day to day, and I always show her consqequences for her actions. But, if it came to it, nothing is more important than her.

scurryfunge · 12/01/2011 20:46

You can't show her consequences for her actions though if you were to cover up a serious crime. AllHail.

AllHailDaddyPig · 12/01/2011 20:50

I know that, and as I've repeatedly said, in the hypothetical situation that she would face jail, I would always protect her, sod society.Butas I've also said, that's unlikely to happen, and in the day to day, I always discipline her when she needs it. She is generally good as gold though, and knows that there will be consqeuences if she misbehaves. We are talking about extreme possibilities, I don't plan on sitting her down and saying 'Feel free to commit a crime, I'll cover for you'

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