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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is a bit unreasonable?

55 replies

WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/01/2011 16:49

He's unemployed...made redundant just before Christmas...fair enough he IS looking very hard. I work from home..he looks after our toddler in the aftenoons while I work. He's gone on some mad "detox" and earlier he said "Don't cook that chicken as I won't be able to eat meat for a few days"

Fair enough I said..maybe you could do something else while I work?

There is a fridge full of things and I said that DD2 likes baked potatoes. He just called me down for "dinner" and it was half a haked potato sitting alone on a side plate! Not even a leaf of lettuce to cheer it up!

He gave DD1 some butter with hers but as DD1 wont eat potatoes he simply never made anything for her! Shes 2...I woud have given her some potato with ham, cheese, salad..that's my tactic...not making her special meals and ignoring it if she leaves things...but to make NOTHING! What?

I left my half a spud where it was and came back to my comp. and he was all grumpy as I am apparently ungrateful!

I'm pee'd off! He wouldn't "let me" cook chicken and his replacement is half a potato for me and nothing for DD1!

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 12/01/2011 17:27

Boo, I totally agree but we are talking about someone with a possible eating disorder. If he does have a genuine problem then he wont see food the same way as a non sufferer and therefore wont be able to plan his kids meals.
The fact that he didnt prepare anything for one of the children points to food almost being an "optional extra" in his mind. So if the OP making him a list, which wont take long, is what she needs to do to safe guard her childrens health then so be it.

DublinMammy · 12/01/2011 17:28

Sorry, I didn't get that across well, I meant that his own food regime shouldn't affect the kids - you might like to mention to him that in traditional Chinese medicine terms this is very much the wrong time to do a detox anyway - wait for the spring!

Hope you get something better than dust...

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 12/01/2011 17:28

look i am crap with food, i really am. i was never made to eat a healthy diet as a child, so never knew until i had kids what was healthy balanced meals. i got a booklet in my first bounty pack from one of teh health bodies and i read it back to back. i still refer to it from tiem to tiem to make sure i am meeting teh basics for balanced meals. he has no excuse not to know this stuff, and if he chooses not to learn afetr you point it out then he is being really shitty.

DublinMammy · 12/01/2011 17:31

By the way Bogey, love the list idea.

Bogeyface · 12/01/2011 17:33

Boo, I think the problem is that people with eating disorders genuinely dont see the problem. My mums BF had anorexia when she was a young mum and her kids had to go and live with her DHs mum for a while, and also with us for a while as they were at one point literally starving. She couldnt understand that they needed food, when she convinced herself that she didnt. It was a very hard time for all of them and one of her sons developed huge food issues as a teenager/young adult as a result.

He obviously needs help to understand his responsibility to his kids, he is being very selfish. But in the short term there are some things the OP can do to make sure her children are ok in the meantime.

charliesmommy · 12/01/2011 17:35

a cheap tin of beans with the potato would provide more nutrition and not cost the earth..

its hard, but it is possible to eat a balanced diet on a strict budget... a bowl of rice is NOT sufficient for a child..

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 12/01/2011 17:39

i accept that bogey and having never experienced an eating disorder, i am not best placed to comment but maybe it is worth having him do a bit of research himself to see what the kids actually need, it may get him thinking about what he actually needs to be eating aswell.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 12/01/2011 17:40

oh yes i also agree taht short term, Op will need to be vigilent and make sure teh dcs are getting what they need

Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/01/2011 17:43

That;s what I said CharliesMommy...I told him just now...that he could have opened a tin of beans or tuna. It's nothing to do with the budget...as I said I make sure there's good plain food in the house. Lots of fruit and beg too.

He still looks confused at my intervention though. Sad It'sas if he cannot see why it's no right.

I'm cooking the DC a piece of fish each...they can have it with peas and that will do for tonight.

Will make his meal plan tonight.

OP posts:
Lonnie · 12/01/2011 17:47

Op dont make the meal plan get him involved with making it so you can get some conversation about it ensuring he understands the veg protein carbs etc

Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/01/2011 17:54

The thing is Lonnie I think he could probably write a thesis on nutrition...he's just not coming from a healthy place with regards to it all.

He knows a lot about the body and about food actually...and when he wants to he is a very good cook.

OP posts:
Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/01/2011 18:06

They ate it like they'd not seen sloid food for a week!

I'll have to bloody do all my work AND manage their meals won't I.

Don't know what to do re. his weird food thing though.

OP posts:
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 12/01/2011 18:10

no you don't wimple. but you will have to have a serious talk with him about neglecting his duties as a parent WRT keeping his dcs healthy. don't roll over and accept this, he has an obligation to those children and he isn't fulfilling it. you need to tell him taht is stops now. he can go on whatever faddy diet he likes but he needs to feed teh dcs properly and tell him that ignorance is no excuse (although i see you say he is quite knowledgable)

QuintessentialShadows · 12/01/2011 18:13

I will give you a dettox potato revenge for him.

This is what you do tomorrow:

Peel potatoes.
Put water in a pot. add a pinch of salt.
Boil potatoes slightly too much.
Separate water with potato chunks from actual potatoes. Serve potato water soup to darling husband.
Make lovely mash for you and dds....... Grin

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/01/2011 18:20

OP, You say he knows a lot about nutrition but he obviously doesn't know enough. He needs it to be pointed out that children are GROWING and therefore need the raw building blocks in their food to build new tissues. Carbohydrates provide energy only (a bowl of plain rice FFS!). And the fact that he failed to feed one child completely - that is seriously fucked up.

If he does know about nutrition in a serious way and not just some of the crap pushed at young sporty types by the supplements manufacturers, INSIST that he applies this knowledge to the needs of growing children and not just to an adult abusing his own body.

And ask him if he thinks it's fair to abdicate his responsibility towards caring for his children in this way, leaving you to carry the entire burden, because that is the effect of his behaviour. He must be made to see that meals must meet the needs of every family member and not just bend to his WHIM!

Angry at him on your behalf, he was very irresponsible.

ChippingIn · 12/01/2011 18:20

Wimple - it sounds like you are under a bit of stress right now and it sounds like he has an issue - for now I would take the route of least bother. I would write a meal plan for you and the DC's - tell him this is what he will be cooking for you three and he can have what he pleases (that's there already and fits within your budgeting).

At some stage you will have to deal with his issues around food or rather, make sure he does, but for now just deal with the problem.

LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 12/01/2011 18:23

I'm sorry, but regardless of whether he does or doesn't have an eating disorder, he is neglecting your/his children.

However you go about it, you must (as you have realised) ensure that the children are fed properly. He needs to be shown some documentation that highlights what composes a balanced meal for a growing child. You must impress upon him that he is seriously neglecting his children otherwise.

Can you not sit down with him and devise a weekly food plan together? Don't do it yourself or he'll never regain responsibility.

Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/01/2011 19:55

WHereyouleftit....he DOES know about nutrition but he probably has an eating disorder...if you don't undersstand about those then you cant really comment.

Loopy I resent the inference that he is neglecting them...he is not. I feel this thread has degenerated into a "lets attack DH"

Having had a disorder myself I understand the complicated things it does to the mind...he neess some help which I will encourage him to get but making him devise plans won't assist him at he moment.

He is looving and wonderful Dad so DONT call him neglectful.

OP posts:
Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/01/2011 19:56

Plus I would never ALLOW them to be neglected. I work in the HOME fgs.

I wont have people who do not know me saying crap about me or mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/01/2011 20:05

Basically I am angry at the people who are bandying the word "Neglect" about. Its FAR from neglect to be a lazy bastard when you're a Dad who knows his wife is upstairs and will come down and cook properly...if he's neglecting ANYONE it is ME.

He plays with, loves, nurtures, woks hard for his children. I am getting off this thread now as I am livid.

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 12/01/2011 20:12

I'm sorry Wimple, the last thing I wanted to do was upset you. You are the only one here to really know the situation, so only you can see properly what is going on. However, if the children aren't being fed properly they are being neglected. Fortunately you are there to sort the situation out, so they will be fine.

You must see that from an outsider's point of view, reading what you have written, the only conclusion we can really come to is that your DH isn't doing his job properly, which is very serious as the job in question is looking after your children.

As for "I wont have people who do not know me saying crap about me or mine.", I can see why you are upset, but you did post on AIBU, you have opened yourself (well, your DH) to criticism.

Original poster
WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/01/2011 20:42

Thanks you Loopy...but AIBU is just a forum...and I think it's dangerous and irresponsible to talk of Neglect in this day and age.

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 12/01/2011 20:45

How so?

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 12/01/2011 21:07

again no hurt intended but i read it the same as loopy from what you posted.

kittybuttoon · 12/01/2011 21:27

Sounds like he feels he is in need of some attention, and has successfully chosen an effective way of getting it - firstly by being weird about his diet and later by choosing to include the children in some odd dietary decisions.

I would urge you to talk to him about what you can do to support him, before confronting him with required menu. He might not even realise that his behaviour is typical of someone who is crying out for attention.

Trying to exert an influence on what you/the kids eat is pretty controlling, and I am sure when this is pointed out to him he will realise that the heart of the problem is with the way he is looking at life.

Also, some of those bodybuilding concoctions have a hormonal effect on men and that might be making him act out of character, as well as the stress he is under.