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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sometimes get sick of being nagged for sex?

51 replies

Pixie83 · 12/01/2011 12:04

please tell me I'm not the only one.

Roughly 2 weeks every month I'm very up for a shag 3 or 4 times a week, but then getting towards Aunt Flo's visit I get more and more tired, achey, grumpy and just don't fancy it. Then during blob week it just seems mankey.

So basically DH has roughly two weeks of wayhay, then it all goes a bit flat for the next two.

We've been together donkeys years, and he's truly lovely in every other way, and does try to do extra to help when I'm getting PMTish. But however much he tries to help me get more rest,etc, it doesn't make me feel like it. He knows this and it's always been the way, so why does he still try it on and moan that he's frustrated during those times?

It usually ends up in a row at some point and it's like ground hog day, always going over extactly the same argument.

So AIBU thinking he should sort himself out until I'm a willing partner again, rather than trying to nag me into doing something I'm not up for?

It really pisses me off that this is one sticking point in an otherwise really good relationship Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Pixie83 · 12/01/2011 12:05

Sorry - I do know how to spell exactly! Blush

OP posts:
jenroy29 · 12/01/2011 12:06

Snap!

FrequentNutter · 12/01/2011 12:07

I think you have it all your own way, and you should compromise. It's about a partnership not just what is best for you and how you feel.

ashamedandconfused · 12/01/2011 12:07

tell your DH to grow up - pestering for sex, what a turn on!

numptysmummy · 12/01/2011 12:08

I know exactly how you feel! I rarely say no - in fact i usually have a higher sex drive than him but on the very rare occasions i don't feel like it he gets a proper sad on! Don't know the solution - been like this for 20yrs now!

ashamedandconfused · 12/01/2011 12:09

FH - i disagree - good sex is about both partners wanting it - when one feels bullied into it, or gives in for a quiet life, that so belittles the whole thing

Original poster
Pixie83 · 12/01/2011 12:10

I do see your point frequent but surely you shouldn't have sex just to keep someone else happy? I have tried going along with it, but I'm not a good actress Grin and he still gets huffy with me then because he says he wants me to want to, not to just go along with it. So what do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pixie83 · 12/01/2011 12:11

ashamed that's a good point; it's like the more he nags the more I don't want to.....

OP posts:
TitianTinselTemptress · 12/01/2011 12:11

Nutter are you suggesting the OP should have sex when she doesn't want to? It is not as if her DH is being deprived altogether, it sounds like they have a healthy sexual relationship otherwise, and on average have sex once or twice a week which I think is pretty good!

OP YANBU I don't believe anyone should have sex against their will. It can only lead to resentment and loss of trust.

BettyCash · 12/01/2011 12:12

Does it have to be sex?

BooBooGlass · 12/01/2011 12:13

Do you actually tell him to 'sort himself out?' I can see why that would make him feel a bit rejected tbh. Obviously you shouldn't do anything you don't want to, but if it's just going the whole hog you can't face for those 2 weeks, there's other stuff you could be doing Wink My dp likes a massage with a massage bar from Lush, it will make you both feel very relaxed and close, even if it only leads to a very deep sleep Grin

Original poster
Pixie83 · 12/01/2011 12:13

Betty well I've tried cooking him his favourite meal but it doesn't seem to help Grin

OP posts:
EricNorthmansMistress · 12/01/2011 12:13

Explain to him that women are cyclical! DH understands this well and knows that the dryer weeks are balanced by the .... wetter ones! It's basic biology Hmm

Deaddei · 12/01/2011 12:14

Good grief, he has sex that often and he complains?

expatinscotland · 12/01/2011 12:15

'and he still gets huffy with me then because he says he wants me to want to, not to just go along with it.'

He needs to grow up.

Nagging for sex is one of the biggest turn-offs I know.

Original poster
Pixie83 · 12/01/2011 12:15

BooBoo well it does come to me saying that sometimes but only once we've started sniping at each other!

The problem is really that he would like the two weeks of 'up for it' and generally happier 'me' he gets two weeks a month, all the time Sad. So would I really, but I've tried all the PMT remedies and none of them seem to help.

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 12/01/2011 12:17

Do you use hormonal contraception? I'm about to switch from the pill to the copper coil as it has had a similar effect on me tbh. I think it's quite normal for a woman to feel that way though, biologically speaking you're going to be a bit randier when you're ovulating. It seems a shame he can't understand that

Original poster
Pixie83 · 12/01/2011 12:19

No I don't use any as he's had the snip - so I can't blame it on that unfortunately!

I suppose as well I resent the fact that I'm being 'blamed' for something I don't feel I have any control over.

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 12/01/2011 12:22

Have you talked about this outside of the bedroom? Do you just assume he knows what time of the month it is? Men can be remarkably unobservant Wink It might help if you drop it into conversation before he even has opportunity to try it on, let him know you're not up for it but can still have a cuddle or something? Or make those 2 weeks special in another way? ME and dp had a 'date night' last night where we cooked a meal, had a candlelit dinner and had an actual conversation Grin It was really nice and we'll definately do it regularly now I think.

Original poster
Pixie83 · 12/01/2011 12:55

Boo I suppose part of the problem is we're in a bit of a vicious circle - we go a few days not 'having a go', he gets a bit grumpy or tries it on, I get more ratty because I've got PMT, he gets worse, so do I, then bingo, big row!

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 12/01/2011 13:01

I have a similar libido. Identical really.

DH knows this. And accepts it.

Why on earth would a grown man think sulking and huffing would seduce a woman. I can just see James Bond clattering about the kitchen muttering under his breath and bristling with annoyance. I vividly remember the bit in Pride and Prejudice where Darcy wailed 'it's not faaaaair' and stamped his feet. Hmm Sure, all the sexy men are doing it.

Seriously, talk talk talk.

Takeresponsibility · 12/01/2011 13:05

Probably TMI but I find sex during Auntie Flo's visit actually helps with both the PMT and stomach cramps (endorphins or summat) if you think it's too gross do it in the shower.

ShowOfHands · 12/01/2011 13:10

I think you're either a woman who does it during your period or a woman who'd rather eat a live tarantula than do it during your period.

I think we're born that way. You can't change it, you can't judge it.

crazygracieuk · 12/01/2011 13:17

Snap!
My libido works like clockwork too and it used to cause problems for us.
Dh has my AF dates on his phone so he knows when not to come near me sexually. I've told him that there is nothing less sexy and nagging/begging and when my libido is back for the month then he has the joy of me seducing him as a sign that all is good again.

JammyMummy · 12/01/2011 13:30

yep. I get nagged/bullied into sex and it's been going on for years. I'm a great actress now (considering a new career in porn?). For dh sex is like when my toddler demands a snack, only difference is I say no to her more often. I sometimes use sex strategically ie to keep dh in a good mood, so he won't mind if I then "selfishly" have a long bath. I'm sad, in more than one sense. Sad