To think that at tea time with 3 kids it should be all hands on deck?

[Frazzledmumwithsmudgedmascara]

And not one parent cooking tea/sorting the children out/tidying kitchen afterwards/bathing children/listening to children reading/putting children to bed, whilst the other goes on the PC? Regardless of whether one parent has been at work all day or not.

I think I'm being perfectly reasonable, DH thinks I am being very unreasonable and that I should do everything, every night.

I appreciate he has been at work all day and wants a bit of "me" time when he gets in...

but..

he is also a Dad.

My dad came home about 5.30pm, dinner was put on the table... he would expect a bit of peace until 6.30 and then when I was really little it would be him who took me to bed and read to me, and as I got older he would take me and my mates to the park for an hour..

He was probably knackered after doing a ten hour day of manual work, but he always made a bit of time for me... and to give my mum a break, if only for a couple of hours.

Ha. So it's not just me. YANBU, Frazzled.

YANBU - at the very least he should entertain the kids whilst you cook. He can have his down-time once they have gone to bed.

Why do you let him take advantage of you like that? Why are you married to a man who obviously doesn't want a wife and mother to his kids but merely a nanny, cook and cleaner?

No way I could do it. I have no interest being any man's skivvy. If you're doing it all yourself anyway, why do you need him anyway? Throw him out, take half his money, tell him to fuck right off.

(Not likely advice you're going to take, I know, but it's designed to kick YOU into touch about how unreasonable this situation is. Your DH is using you, and you're letting him. Don't let him.)

What would happen if you said to him 'Tonight we are swapping. I need to mumsnet do some stuff on the PC. It's your turn to cook the tea, sort the children out, tidy the kitchen, bath the children (properly, not leaving them alone in the bath), listen to the children read, put them into their pjs, help them brush teeth and get into bed and read them a good night story and then I will come and give the kids a goodnight kiss.

You have ignored the family every evening so far and left me doing all the work. Tonight it is MY TURN to relax and your turn to look after the kids. They are our kids, not just mine. For just one night I need to know that you can look after them properly... etc etc'

good luck - hope you manage to get a break - and a partner who actually will take part in family evenings with you...

What does this man contribute to your household and family, apart from money? Because if all he wants to contribute is money, he should hire servants. YOU are not his servant.

I bet you don't feel very much inclined to have sex with him very often. And I bet he moans about that, too. But nothing ruins a couple-relationship more than a man who considers that he is the boss/owner of the family just because he is the wage-earner, and that he therefore gets to do what he likes when he is not actually in his place of employment, while his wife (who is, in his opinion, only a 'woman' therefore not a person at all) does everything WRT domestic work and childcare, in return for her keep and maybe a bit of 'pocket money'.

tell him straight if he dosent pull his weight your leaving him and the kids to and he can be a single parent and do everything

YANBU - I don't get this at all actually. He's a PARENT - feeding, bathing, reading, bedtimes etc etc is what PARENTING is about.

All that stuff, the mealtime chat, the bathing, the story reading - isn't that the good stuff? - the look back in 20 years and reminisce stuff, (I know it can be a pain, but it is also bloody wonderful)
How does your DH think it makes the kids feel to be ignored in favour of a computer??

yanbu its quite sad he doesn't want to spend the time with them and rather just waste time on the pc, im sure it would not take that long to do dinner bath bed etc, so then his relaxation time would be plenty after that.
if my dh came home and did this i would not be amused at all. i do actually do dinner bed bath etc without him but thats because he works late, so can't be helped. however if he ever comes earlier and one or both dc are still up he would quickly get involved and at least read a bedtime story and be really happy to see them. i think you need to have a proper talk to him about it. how is he on weekends, does he spend time with them?

OMG OP, I could have written this post.
My sympathies to you.

I'm a SAHM, DH works, but doesn't do very long hours (self-employed). So of course while he's at work I'm happy to do all the housework, washing, cooking etc. I can understand him getting in from work and wanting to chill out, for example while I'm cooking tea, and I wouldn't have a problem with that. It's clearing up afterwards that gets to me. Sometimes he will stack a handful of plates in the dishwasher, but other times he will dump his plate on the worktop and go back on the PC or go and watch TV.

I've tried leaving the dishwasher and kitchen to see if he'll do it but all it resulted in was me having to do it the following morning. Also he won't commit to getting the kids in bed by their bedtimes, he will just sit there and sit there on the PC or will disappear upstairs to play guitar, while the kids are all running around. If I ask him to sort them out for bed, he'll just do half a job, for example he'll run a bath for them and then go and watch TV, or like I said before he'll tell them to go and get ready for bed and get into bed and thinks that's all he has to do.

He doesn't seem to like family life much. We all feel like that some days - but it shouldn't be seen as optional. This is why some men work late so much.

Dh struggles to get time to change when he gets home as dd is all over him. He then gets her ready for bed then I read to her. He has been known to get 'sidetracked' by the pc but I have been known to have words about that.

I will make dinner - I will do all the clearing up (mainly the next morning though) but I do expect him to be there for dd. He gets home in time for dinner and her bedtime then often has to work from home later.

I would definitely try going out (friend's - evening class?) and leaving him to it.

Dear me - does he not WANT to spend time with his children? Very odd behaviour for a father imo.

I would definitely follow the advice on here.

I have 4 children 6 yrs and under and it is hell at dinner time when DH has to work late.

I would have a nervous breakdown doing it all on my own every night!!! (I also appreciate this might change when they are all older and more civilised and I don't have a 1 yr old wearing her plate on her head regularly and a 2 year old having massive tantrums when his favourite meal hasn't been dished up!!!)

I used to go out to work and get home at 6, going straight into tea, bath, bed etc, and now I am SAHM (well, I work from home in the evenings, but effectively SAHM in the day). I felt far more refreshed and ready to deal with the dc when I had been out at work all day than when I am at home sorting out poo, snot and tantrums all day!

So I think YANBU at all. I am usually cooking tea and trying to prevent world war three when dh comes home from work, so he takes over the kids, I do tea, and we both do bedtime together. Most nights he clears the kitchen up while I work. We are a team, we spend the same amount of time working, then we get to sit down together at the end of the day.

YANBU DH and I both work. I do bathtime, DH is home earlier so does dinner/washing up then reads DS a story and tucks him in.

We both look forward to spending the time with DS at the end of the day.

YANBU - it sounds to be like you have 4 kids and one of them is a BIG BABY (not the cute rewarding kind either).

Clearly this pattern hasn't just started but has been going on for years. How have you lasted this long OP feeling this way? I would be hugely resentful if my DP acted this way & our relationship would be a mess.

Not only is your P opting out of parenting and electing to act like a selfish teenager, but when he is forced to contribute, he acts all passive/aggressively by undermining the kids bedtimes, routines etc. And I take it you cook AND clean up for the evening meal? FFS that is taking the piss big time in my book.

I agree with what many of the posters here have suggested. As for going out for a night and leaving him to it, I'd be making plans for an entire week.

Still I fear that this has been going on for years, and for effective proper change to occur is going to involve some serious and fundamental changes in your relationship.

I could not have sustained a relationship with someone who acted like this. Poor disinterested lazy father, and goodness knows how you manage to have sex with him - if I was treated this way by DP there is no way I'd be remotely attracted to him at all. What a turn off.

As for those suggesting its your job as a SAHM, well when does that end? So if you work outside of the home you can expect to come home, not parent, not contribute at all and expect your SAH partner to do everything all evening long too? Mugs game if you ask me and completely unnecessary. As a SAHM aren't you working all day too?

We both do the after work/meal/bedtime stuff - get DD off to bed, one of us cooks, the other washes up, and when that is done then we chill out, go on computer etc. By sharing if one of us wants to go out and not be there for the night, or is sick and needs time out etc it's no biggie for the other person to do it all - because we know the other person respects what we do and will do the same when necessary. It's how our partnership works.

Here's a little story to show your dh. Mine has always avoided doing tea/bath/bed with the children, preferring to work late or go out after work. He turned up randomly at dd3s bedtime a few weeks ago and said he would read to her. She said "No. It's not what I'm used to. Mummy puts me to bed."

I would go on strike where he is concerned but not the kids.

Sort the kids out and look after them as normal but don't make him dinner when you are making everyone elses and don't wash or iron his clothes, take his to the dry cleaners, pick up his prescription etc or do ANYTHING for him. When he eventually asks (as he will once he has run out of clean pants) what's going on, tell him that he plays no part and contributes nothing (apart from money) in family life and shows not interest so you are just treating him as though he is not part of the family. You can say that you thought that was what he wanted (with sarcasm) as that is how he has been acting all this time. Then say, by the way, this is DC1 (insert childs name), DC2 and DC3. They are your children but unfortuneately they don't know who the f*ck you are.

My dh has a really stressful job and often has to work over time...to do this he CHOOSES to come home so he can see his dd (aged 5) and play with her, perhaps make her dinner if I havent already, bath her and put her o bed and we ake it in turns to read her 3 stories every night. then he goes BACK to work at 7.30-8pm and gets home after 11pm...he could stay on and save himself the exra driving but he would not dream of not seeing and interacting with his daughter....your dh needs a kick in the pants to let him know what he is missing out on and also to let him know how lucky is to have YOU!!

Did he want children???? Sure sounds like he wants nothing to do with them.......

But, Lequeen, your H did childcare etc at the weekend. You did get childfree, chorefree time for yourself. The OP in this situation is expected to provide all the domestic work and childcare 24/7.

I do most of the evening care of the three children but I do insist most nights that dh does something - empty the dishwasher or read the children a bedtime story.