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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel lonely and bored?

37 replies

LionsAreScary · 11/01/2011 14:36

I am a SAHM to 3 DC aged 6 months, 2 1/2 and 6 years. DH works full time. I am lucky in that there aren't any major issues in our lives - i.e. everyone is healthy, we can afford to live etc.

I am not unhappy but I do feel quite low sometimes, really just because I am lonely and bored.

There are a lot of jobs to do as part of my 'job', most of which are routine and I don't get much job satisfaction from them. You probably know the sort of thing, tidying up, doing the shopping, endless washing, etc.

I do have some nice friends but many of them are back at work now and aren't always able to meet up. Sometimes the effort of getting the little ones out of the house just doesn't seem worth it anyway, and I only go out to do the school run.

So is it reasonable to feel lonely and bored or am I missing something? What should I do differently to try to enjoy my kids' childhood days more? (Apart from MN obviously! Grin)

OP posts:
Hullygully · 11/01/2011 14:38

Go out. Go out. Go out.

Every day. Get the kids dressed and go to every group etc there is. You need to meet people that you can hang out with with the kids and have a nice time. being with small children is mind-numbingly spirit-crushingly dull unless you have adults with you too.

Go on.

AgentZigzag · 11/01/2011 14:41

I don't get lonely, but I do sometimes feel bored and need something to stimulate my brain.

MN can help, especially if there's a good bunfight going on, what about brushing up your education bits and bobs?

Not sure if it's your cup of tea, but there's lots of open university courses you can take on just about any subject and to fit in with any spare time you have.

It can boost your confidence and self esteem at the same time as staving off the boredom.

Pixieonthemoor · 11/01/2011 14:45

I think this is a very easy trap to fall into. I am in a similar position to you and have become quite depressed at times even though, from the outside life seems idyllic (enough money to be a SAHM, lovely husband, healthy children). I think it is sometimes the loss of status that is hard to bear - if you used to work, you had a title, things to do, your own money coming in and now you are...what? Domestic skivvy? It is really difficult to make that change esp as being a SAHM doesnt really seem to carry much clout. Also, with the children being the age that they are, that is a heavy work load for anyone and is bound to get to you. Are you able to hire someone to look after the smalls for a couple of hours - just so you can get out and even do something like have a coffee and browse in a bookshop? For what its worth, I found getting out and seeing friends if at all possible, making links with new people (school gates?), an exercise class (zumba is excellent for endorphin release) and a spot of St Johns Wort made all the difference. Good luck with it!

MintAeroBar · 11/01/2011 14:47

Are you me?

I am the same, housework and school run. Except I have a preschooler, baby and school age. So the lunchtime school run breaks up the day as well. We ave to walk so by te time I am back home, there is only two hours before I am out the door again and I feel like I cant get anything done, especially once you add a BF into those two hours.

Would love to study but cant afford it, sadly.

Hullygully · 11/01/2011 14:49

I have two dc with 17 months between them and we went out every morning and stayed out as long as possible. Why stay home and do housework? If you're out, it stays tidy and there isn't any.

rasta · 11/01/2011 14:49

I feel very similar LionsAreScary Agree with going out. Go anywhere, park, town, museum, walk, toddler group.

DD1 is full time school and DD2 has just started pre-school, so I feel I'm in between stages. I used to take DD2 to toddlers few times a week, music class etc, we were out every day, but now it's all stopped.

I lack motivation, company and stimulation Sad

Am due DC3 this year so looking forward to getting back into the whole toddler group thing again and a social routine set up again.

princessProudmel · 11/01/2011 14:51

I have felt like the OP lots and lots of times over the years. my dc's are 8, 5 and 1.

I agree that even though I may have 'jobs' to do I am still bored. My mum can't understand it...'wash the curtains/cllean out a cupboard' she says!

Going out definatly helps. I have times when I feel worse and those times I plan loads of things. Toddlers, arrange to meet friends for coffee (at their house or mine), go to the shops, even if it's just for some baby vests etc.
Or I pop into my mums. I can't do the park on my own. It makes me want to cry! But I can do shops, walking etc.

And I also feel better if I do something really pro active with the dc's like sorting out toys or making cakes etc. :)
They go and play better after aswell.

Our area has lots of Surestart groups which are all free and at least give you an option of an activity most days.

Mn and facebook help too as on fb you can 'chat' to your friends . This helps me.
I can't use the laptop much now though as ds2 is at the 'bash the laptop' stage.

Please don't feel U. YANBU

MintAeroBar · 11/01/2011 14:52

But Hully, with me at least, it isnt toys, it is the things to keep the house ticking over. Washing, ironing,meals, floors...

Weegle · 11/01/2011 14:53

agree with Hully - you need to get out more. Do a few things each week for the 2.5 yr old activity wise (toddlers etc) and get some adult company.

I'm in a similar position with a school age child and then 1 yr old twins. It's 'easier' to stay home between the school runs (jobs get done, I have a bad back so no lifting in/out car seats and pushchairs) but I can't do that every day, the boredom would kill me. So a few times a week I'll have friends and kids over here, and a few times a week I'll go out to friends/activity. Just get the balance right.

And I make an active social life in the evenings and weekends.

Original poster
LionsAreScary · 11/01/2011 14:54

Pixie - you've hit the nail on the head. I used to have a good job - it was stressful but interesting too.

Mint - I'll be in your situation next year when DC2 starts school nursery - which will be a good thing in a way except then I really will have no time in between to get anything done.

Hully, I do sometimes go out. I used to go out every day in fact. What puts me off is that it is such hard work - all the preparation of nappies, baby food, toddler snacks etc, only to end up singing 'wheels on the bus' with a bunch of strangers whilst apologising for one of the DC screaming!

I like the idea of a course, don't know what I'd do though, or how much it cost or how to fit it in... I guess all those things I could research.
The exercise class... yes that IS something I could do with, shedding all this baby weight that has somehow become my weight!

Off now to bundle little ones into coats for school run, back in a bit.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 11/01/2011 14:54

Put the iron in the bin for a start. Batch cook so you only have to do it once or twice a week. Put a wash on before you go out and hang it up when you get back when you can quickly do the floors because you can put the kids in front of the telly for a bit guilt free as they've had lots of fresh air and fun.

monkeyflippers · 11/01/2011 15:07

For a course you could just do something that you fancy (doesn't have to be for getting a future job purposes) like jewellery making or pottery etc. could you do an evening class.

A friend of mine started do Anne Summer/tupperware type parties to get out and about and she said it was like a breath of fresh air. Not something she would normally do but was so good to do something completely different.

Plus things will get a bit easier to get out as your 2 youngest get a bit older as it is tricky when they are very young.

FabbyChic · 11/01/2011 15:10

You sound as if you might be a little depressed. Depression makes us apathetic and gives us that can't be bothered thinking.

Finding new things to fill your time be a good start, but I understand how hard it is to movitate oneself.

I'm sorry I cannot offer more constructive advice, but just to say I know exactly what you mean.

Chin up and I hope you don't feel so restless soon.

Original poster
LionsAreScary · 11/01/2011 15:44

Thanks all for your answers. I am relieved to not be odd in feeling this, but also a bit sad that so many of you have felt the same way.

I suppose I have been a bit lazy about not getting out enough. The weather doesn't help. I don't like toddler groups much - round here everyone seems to go with people they know and I just end up feeling more lonely. I had more fun at activity type preschool classes, esp. with DC1 when it all still had some novelty value (I am a bit jaded with the whole pre school circuit now!). Most classes seem to be designed for one adult - one child though, so it not sure what I would do with 6 month old.

I have been depressed (in pregnancy) so I know how that feels. I don't feel that bad now, just a bit resigned and lifeless.

Maybe I do need a hobby or interest, it is a challenge to find time though.
Hully, I stopped ironing years ago! But you're right about there being less clearing up to do if you're not home to make mess...

OP posts:
Original poster
LionsAreScary · 11/01/2011 15:46

Re reading, I sound SO Dull and negative. Sorry - that is exactly the problem with me!

I used to be a positive, energetic person.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 11/01/2011 16:03

You do a bit. Take back control and inititative, it will energise you. Go out all the time and start a course of any kind, evenings/weekends where you will get to hang out with adults. You can make your life much more plesant if you want to!

MrsBananaGrabber · 11/01/2011 17:01

It can be lonely at home with kids, we have just moved into a stupidly big house that generates mess and I have a 4 week old and two at school, I'm new to the area so don't know anyone and i'm in another country, i'm feeling very sorry for myself right now although like you say it all looks perfect from the outside. I long for the days when my two DS's were little and we live in a small village with lots of mums and tots of the church hall, cup of tea variety.

soggy14 · 11/01/2011 17:50

I'd also recommend the open university (they even have lots of free courses) here
openlearn.open.ac.uk/

LadyTremaine · 11/01/2011 18:04

I'm sorry but you need to get a job. If youre bored now think about how bored you'll be when the kids are all at school and you cn't get a job because of the huge gap on your CV... now, that'll be boring!

LadyTremaine · 11/01/2011 18:06

Or.. childminding? That'll keep you busy!

AgentZigzag · 11/01/2011 18:15

There are so many things you can do Lions, but it's finding something that'll spark your brain into getting the motivation to do any of them.

Is there anything that you're passionate about, or have been in the past?

Fourleaf · 11/01/2011 18:36

I would kind of agree with LadyTremaine - is there any way you could get some kind of job? Work from home/in the evenings/part time? Or studying, as others have said, if you really do fancy that (will be v hard to find time and motivation otherwise). YANBU anyway I felt like this for a bit but I have found that getting some childcare (only have 1 DC so MUCH easier I know), and preparing for a new job (and course) has made me feel 1000 times better. I am still a SAHM most of the time but the other things allow me to feel that I am 'myself' and not solely a mother (lovely as that is) and a domestic skivvy! Good luck :)

soggy14 · 11/01/2011 20:13

you cn't get a job because of the huge gap on your CV... yes you can - I did with a 6 year gap (am in education). I did do voluntary work though - have you thought of volunteering for a child friendly charity so you can take your child with you (eg NCT)?

onceamai · 11/01/2011 20:23

The day I polished the cooker and fridge with a duster and a drizzle of baby oil I knew I needed a job!

LadyTremaine · 11/01/2011 20:59

Soggy, even a voluntary job is a job so OP getting one would be following my advice.