In wondering if DH is ever going to get the snip?

[Snipsnipsnip]

We have 4 children under 7 years old. We have not had sex since DC4 was born over a year ago.

I do not get on well with hormonal contraception. As a couple, we did use condoms but with varying success i.e DC3 and DC4 so while pregnant with DC4 I suggested he go to the GP. He agreed.

But, since then he has not made any effort to make an appointment with the GP or go to the FPC. I've given him the phone numbers, explained he could have a telephone consulation, I've even given him the number of the Marie Stopes clinic at the end of our road

I've told him I'll be sterilised if I can have it done privately, by keyhole and at a convienient time e.g. school holiday but he would need to take me and even then he whined about, saying he would go himself and still hasn't.

What on earth is going through his normally very rational and considerate mind?

Hmm, hubbie not exactly leaping at the chance to have a scalpel taken to his privates...how very bizarre!!!

How long did it take? And how did you push him over the edge convince him?

Pasco, I'm not exactly leaping at the chance to spend 4 months puking, 5 months in a wheelchair and 10 hours pushing a human being out of my fanjo either. What's your point?

His body, his choice. It may be harsh/unfair/wrong of him to let you think he will get this done if he has no such intention but I think pondering on how this may be affecting him might be worhtwhile.

There are too many posts on MN by women whingeing about how their other half has not leapt at the chance to have the snip - such ignorance and insensitivity says more about them than their partners.

He said he was going to do it.

He hasn't.

I'm willing to do it, despite it being more complicated and risky.

He will not support me.

Neither of us want more children.

What do you suggest?

I suggest not having more vaginal sex til it's sorted

tell him to get good at oral

I did the withhold sex bit but that obviously isn't making a difference for you.

a) Make the appointment for him and hear him grumble
b) make the appointment for yourself and tell him his actions are telling you he's not interested in following through

One or other action should hopefully get him to where you want him.

If you haven't had sex for over a year then it sounds as though your marriage is in difficulty and he may feel that having the snip would stop him having children in the future if this marriage doesn't improve. Some men get chronic pain after a vasectomy.
If I was a bloke in his situation I wouldn't be rushing to get a vasectomy.
Having a vasectomy in the hope that your wife will start having sex with you again is rarely a good idea.

DIY?!

You really can't pressure someone in to being sterilised. If you want to be sterilised, make the arrangements and do it. Other wise, make sure he knows that condoms are NOT optional. DH chose to have a vasectomy, but it still took him a good year to get his head around it. I would raise the issue from time to time, but I never tried to push it. I wouldn't have liked it if he was trying to manhandle me in to an operating theatre to have my tubes tied. It is worth having a proper discussion, though.

How many women would go and have an irreversible operation with a risk of chronic pain if their relationship had deteriorated to the extent that their husband had refused to have sex with them for over a year because they wouldn't have this operation?
I would be out of that relationship like a shot, and looking for someone who loved me and wanted to have sex with me and was willing to use reversible methods of contraception, of which there are many.

Make the appointment and march him up the road and tell him he's a big wuss if he doesn't get it sorted and won't be allowed back in the house.

Or a couple of bricks (mind the thumbs when you do it ).

2rebecca

What do you suggest she uses? She's already said that hormonal methods are not an option,and the failure rate associated with condoms is unacceptable.

I'm interested in your reply as I'm in the same position as the OP (6 months sex-free and very fucked off about it)

Nigella
:)
You beat me to it (bricks)

What is your issue with condoms? Are you using the right size? Do you know how to put them on properly? Are you 'dipping it in' without a condom at all? Do you know to chuck the condom if you accidentally touch the wrong side to the penis? Do you know you need to pull out straight away after he ejaculates?

Sorry to sound patronising but most condom failure is due to improper use. You can get a 'tutorial' at your loacl GUM clinic. There is really no reason why condoms should fail so regularly. Every single person I know or speak to, who has had a condom failure, (and I encounter lots through work) has been due to basic mistakes with condom use.

I would not withold sex, because I am a sexual person with my own needs and I also see it as a vital part of my relationship. I am aware that you clearly don't want any more children, but I think you need to really get to the bottom of why your DH will not do this. It seems odd. I don't really get this, won't he tell you what his issue is?

Why would you go private to be steralised? Its a go in the morning and out operation. Two stitches near your belly button. And mine was done 12 years ago. Probably even better at it now.

I elected to have it done because I knew that I did not want any more chilren.

Really what Butterfly said. I'm not witholding sex per se (and you could argue he is witholding by not sorting out his contraceptive choices) but terrified of getting pregnant.

The issue with condoms is not so much condom failure but failure to use them partly because we have been happy to have more children. Now, not so.

The going private was so I could chose the date and be easier for sorting childcare. He would probably be going private for the vasectomy.

I would be out of that relationship like a shot, and looking for someone who loved me and wanted to have sex with me and was willing to use reversible methods of contraception, of which there are many

He is choosing not to have sex with me

Maybe he is scared of the surgery, when women have it done it is not like they cut our bits, the incision is in the stomach.

I think it is fear on his part. If YOU don't want any more children, if YOU don't want to get pregnant then you have the OP done.

The appointment comes round really quick and you do get notice of when it is being done so plenty of time to sort child care, by the way, you would go in hossie at 8am and be out by 1, or go in at 1 and be out by 5pm so not really a lot of child care to sort.

Have you tried the coil, or some other non hormonal form of contraception?

Why is he withholding sex? This sounds like the real issue here. There is something more going on here.

Sounds exactly like my sister's situation. If your DH is as much of an arse reasonable as hers, good luck. She's had 4 C sections as well and he's talking about a bloody 5th child. I suspect his fifth child would be with someone else if he carries on like this. As to your question, it is a bid decision but the only way he's going to do it is if he decides to. You can't force him. Have you tried a coil in the meantime? Although abstinence is a very safe method as well.