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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to wish my DSS would choose a different "love of his life" ?

27 replies

motherinlawintraining · 11/01/2011 00:07

Ok, I've namechanged for thus and some areas of info may be sketchy, sorry !

AIBU to wish that my DSS hadn't started going out with his current girlfriend ? He is early 20's and she is 11 years his senior. He has a job where he is away from home apart from some weekends. He sometimes has to go abroad for months at a time and his job is very dangerous. She however, works as some sort of manager for a very large company.

They have been together 6 months and she's already talking of her house being "theirs". A couple of months ago they were looking to buy a house together for over £220k despite him being terrible with money (owes DH £500 for over a year) and her being in a redeployment pool with the possibility of redundancy.

She doesn't like the job he's doing and appears to be doing everything to get him out of it ..... or it certainly seems that way to me (playing up injuries etc...). Thing is, I have no idea what he'd do if he didn't do this, and really believe he'd be unhappy.

Sorry for the really long post. Think I just needed a rant really. Can't moan too much to DH as he just wants me to pretend to like her so we don't lose him completely to her. Don't get me wrong, I'm being civil etc but I can't bring myself to hug her or chat as I don't like what she's doing to my lovely DSS.

Think I'm going to end up being the mother-in-law from hell !!

OP posts:
readywithwellies · 11/01/2011 00:09

Sounds like she wants to settle down to me and is doing everything she can to get her perfect scenario. YANBU but need to butt out, he won't thank you for it even if you do have his best interests at heart.

rinabean · 11/01/2011 00:10

She wants to buy a house with him although he's young and shit with money. She doesn't want him to work abroad in a dangerous job, and frets when he's injured. She sounds great to me. What she appears to be doing is looking after him. Is there other stuff you're not mentioning?

charliesmommy · 11/01/2011 00:14

Is it her age that is the problem?

I think its too soon for them to be thinking of buying a house together though whatever the age difference.

mutznutz · 11/01/2011 00:20

It's too soon for house buying but you can't blame her for fretting about his job if she loves him?

Bogeyface · 11/01/2011 00:34

She wants to have a baby.

She is mid thirties, her clock is ticking very loudly and as she hasnt found the perfect man so far, she has found one that she is trying to turn into her perfect man ie:wanting him to change jobs so he is home more, buying the house etc.

She wants the dream and is trying to force it to happen.

At his age, and with his job that he loves there is a good chance that he will get sick of the pressure and it will burn out. Unless she manages to get pg in the meantime of course Confused

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 11/01/2011 00:36

erm

is he happy?

Original poster
motherinlawintraining · 11/01/2011 00:46

yes, there are other things, but trying not to be too obvious in case anyone in RL picks up on it.

She definitely wants to settle down ! (I've not said anything to either of them about my concerns by the way). The house had to be near to good schools and have multiple bedrooms and a garden ! I know he's an adult etc but he's not mature at all, not responsible, really hopeless with money and completely blinded by good sex love.

He would not survive in the 'real world' of mon-fri 9-5 for very long, it wouldn't give him the same buzz.

Regarding his 'injuries', she's making him soft. Not letting him walk to kitchen to get a drink, keeping a schedule of when his next paracetamol is due, not letting him sit on the floor, etc etc etc...... We're only talking a sore knee here folks (gained while in uk training), nothing drastic ! He's still able to ride his motorbike, go to parties and concerts etc, not on crutches or anything. His job is dangerous and we also really worry about him when he's away, but he loves it and lives for it (or did), I just think he'd soon be bored of civvie life and that would cause problems of its own. He's not yet been away since being with her, so guess we'll see what happens then (if he's ever allowed to go if he decides his knee is better).

Aaaargh, she winds me up SO much !! There are so many other things that wind me up about her. I hate how its making me and DH argue as well.

I can hear her biological clock ticking from here and it's getting faster every day ! I'm desperately trying to keep her distant from my newborn DS to reduce her broodiness as he REALLY isn't ready to be a father !

Apart from him being good looking (like his father Wink) and muscly (NOT like his father Grin) I don't know what she sees in him (I obv don't have experience of other stuff !). She's only 2 yrs younger than me. This isn't the main issue, it just highlights to me the fact that I would NEVER be interested in someone so immature and so I can't understand why she would be. Gosh I must sound awful Sad

Any advice greatly appreciated. I don't want them to do anything too permanent too soon. A committment of a 35yr, £260k mortgage after 6 months is SCARY to me (especially with the job outlook) !

I haven't said anything to either of them of my concerns, but DH reckons my coolness is getting too obvious. He thinks I'm pushing DSS away, but I can't be pretentious and false towards her.

Thanks for letting me vent my frustrations and listening to/reading me.

OP posts:
Original poster
motherinlawintraining · 11/01/2011 00:54

bogeyface - that's exactly what I'm terrified of. Sounds selfish of me I'm sure but a baby now would wreck everything he has worked so hard for, and certainly wouldn't be great for the baby.

He appears to be happy when with her, but a friend of his mentioned in passing that he'd said he was sick of her mithering him.

We never see him without her tagging on. She's always in the background when he phones and I have a sneaky suspicion he cried off work last wk to spend an extra wk with her (had 2 wks off for christmas and new yr anyway). She is so clingy, needy and controlling..... a proper bunny-boiler ?

I feel awful hoping and praying they break up, but I do !

OP posts:
charliesmommy · 11/01/2011 00:58

We thought when stepson got his gf pregnant 5 years ago that it would wreck his life, but the reality is it made him realise his responsibilities and he grew up and is a fantastic dad.

He isnt a child, and you have to let them make their own mistakes, even if it isnt what you hoped they would do.

They do seem to be settling down together rather quickly, but there isnt going to be anything you can do about that either. I think being supportive and getting to know her better might be the best bet. You might even start to like her. At the end of the day, she cares about your son, and isnt treating him like shit.

hobbgoblin · 11/01/2011 01:01

I can see that the gf is perhaps seeing him as her final opportunity and may indeed be pressuring DSS. I too would be worried about a child being born into this situation when in every likelihood it may come crashing down.

However, your DSS does seem to need to grow up. Maybe not for this woman, but perhaps she is a much needed catalyst. Would it be such a bad thing if she dragged him up towards some kind of responsibility? Maybe he's looking for this, maybe it would work?

The problem sounds to me to be his lack of self reliance. Perhaps he is too weak to put a stop to what is happening here, and THAT is the problem.

Whatever, it will be his lesson learned, just hope not the really hard way with children involved.

charliesmommy · 11/01/2011 01:04

On a positive note, we have friends who have been married for 12 years now, and the wife is 14 years older than the husband. They have an 11 year old child and are extremely happy.

narkypuffin · 11/01/2011 01:16

He is 'early 20s'? He's not a child. It's his life. He may go away and find that at a distance she becomes a hassle. He may get a house with her and have a child. Who knows. But if you act like this you will push him away from you and closer to her.

All the things you're saying- that he's too young to have a child, that you don't know what she sees in him, that she's making him soft- are actually criticisms of him not her. Even if they're valid, just think how your DSS would feel if he heard them. If you make it a you vs her thing, he's got you who sees him as immature and her who sees him as a man she wants to live with. Who would you pick if it were your choice?

It would be much more effective to be welcoming and chatty- after all if you're so close in age you'll probably have a lot more in common with her than your DSS does. Seeing his girlfriend and step mother talking about which member of a boy band they had a crush on as teens would probably dampen his ardour a lot more than setting up a Romeo and Juliet scenario.

Get them round for dinner and discuss soft furnishings. Young, straight men do not generally find flock sexy. If she 'looks after him' by not letting him walk on his injured leg, encourage her to talk about it, especially he has similar age brothers or friends around- it sounds a lot like mothering to me.

I'd even have them to stay over. A newborn might make her clucky, but if he sees the nappies and hears the crying at 3am he might not feel the same.

allnightlong · 11/01/2011 01:54

YABU he's an adult and yes if you start voicing these feels you will become the MIL from Hell.

HelenaCC · 11/01/2011 01:59

I think yab a bit u... You cant live his life for him. If you do have insight to share with him you're going to have to be subtle about it and show you accept his gf, doesn't stop you wising him up to her intentions, let him make his own choices.

She sounds a bit desperate, but this is just from your description. If he is not ready for a child he will run like the wind. Can't you be nice as pie to her then start 'joking' with him in private that he'll be a daddy soon enough... I'm thinking hot 6 month old relationship would look a lot less attractive once he realises how quickly he is going to be tied down.
Do you not think that if he does love his job and she wants to make him leave, that will also put him off. Trust him to do what will make him happy, even if that does not fit with your hopes for him!

complexnumber · 11/01/2011 09:42

I think if you are discussing your DSS's girlfriend with his friends you are way too involved. Why is it your business? Your DH doesn't want you to do this, you say your DSS seems happy. You've just got to let it go.

plantsitter · 11/01/2011 09:49

Um... MILintraining.. you're not slightly envious of her, are you? You seem a bit too interested IMVHO. He's not going to thank you if you interfere

LaWeaselMys · 11/01/2011 09:52

If he is working away in dangerous conditions, I would not be surprised if he is also broody - it's pretty usual in that situation to have kids young.

I wouldn't blame it all on her.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 11/01/2011 09:53

Keep her close....be her best friend and if DSS gets in bother get him legal advice.

TheSecondComing · 11/01/2011 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar · 11/01/2011 10:44

YANBU to feel this way, but your would BU to say anything. At all. He is not a child. And you have to trust him to make choices in his life. It's all about being a grown up. Personally, I'd swallow my displeasure and be pleasant and welcoming at all times. She might surprise you (Or he might come to realise it's not what he wants Wink)

theevildead2 · 11/01/2011 10:51

She wants to buy a house with him although he's young and shit with money.

you say that like its a good thing rinabean. I think its a concern.

figcake · 11/01/2011 10:53

You sound bloody awful tbh - I always wondered where to locate that precise moment at which an apparently sane, reasonable person mutates into a toxic MIL - I hope it never happens to me.

FellatioNelson · 11/01/2011 10:59

Completely agree with Bogeyface. However, he is a grown man, with a job, not some naive wayward teenager, and you are not even his mother (not that my advice would ber any different if you were.) He has to be allowed to choose his own girlfriends, and if necessary, make his own mistakes. It's really not your business, and he shouldn't need to take into account whether you like her - or don't like her. It's a non-issue.

I would insist he pays back the £500 though, if he appears to be on the verge of making any big financial commitments elsewhere. Other than that keep your lips buttoned and your nose out. It's frustrating, but it's the right thing to do.

theevildead2 · 11/01/2011 10:59

do you know what I think you could do?

Have a nice, frank conversation about what his dating this woman means. As has been discussed at great length on mumsnet many women will sit around with someone totally inaappropriate and hope that the guy will come round to wanting babies etc. Tell him you see that that is what she is hoping for, is he ready for that? And if he isn't has he made it clear to her that he isn't? It would be better if neither of them wasted eachother's time.

You might be suprised that your dss actually wants to settle down. If so being in his twenties isn't too young at all. If he can grow up a bit.

If he doesn't he will see what he is doing isn't fair and he can talk with this woman and explain he isnt ready.

Don't act like you don't approve of her btw just let him know you think they might have different priorities

Mumcentreplus · 11/01/2011 11:01

Oh FFS she's hardly toxic figcake just sounds like a concerned mum...(so screechy)...

OP just be there and be supportive of your DS and his new life...as others have said he is an adult and has to make adult decisions...