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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be hurt and angry at my sister's behaviour

35 replies

Honeybee79 · 10/01/2011 20:27

Hi there

This one is a long story, but here is the precis: Sister and I both live in London, me with DH and DS (12 weeks old), sister is single and has own flat on the other side of town. Anyway, since DS was born she has only seen him once (for an hour when we came home from hospital). I would really like DS to have a relationship with her and think they will both miss out if it doesn't happen. I have called and texted to suggest a meet up but just get told she's too busy and that her job is too stressful for her to meet up. She's a teacher. Even over the Xmas hol she said she had no time to see us. I don't expect her to travel across town to see me and will happily meet her half way of take DS to her place but she won't. I feel hurt and sad for DS and also cross with sis.

We used to be close but she has always been a difficult person. She sat and cried throughout my wedding (Angry), when I asked her to be the witness at my wedding she said she might be too busy and would need to check her diary to see if she could come to the wedding. She cried when I bought my flat and wouldn't speak to me for 2 months afterwards. I took her out for a birthday meal and she would barely speak to me throughout it. I have tried so hard to maintain good relations but am so so pissed off. My parents just pander to her: she sulks, strops, has my mum worried sick about her. It's so selfish.

AIBU for being so cross that she won't show any interest in her nephew?

OP posts:
WimpleOfTheBallet · 10/01/2011 20:30

When my sis had her first baby we coincidentally also lived in London and I didn't visit her...hardly.

I felt very jealous of her...I was thirty and single and was convinced I would never meet the man for me...every time I saw her DD I felt depressed. Could that be it?

CeliaFate · 10/01/2011 20:32

It sounds like she's jealous and can't handle your happiness. Is she older than you?

annh · 10/01/2011 20:33

You can't force people, even family, to be interested in your children. Particularly if she is single, she may have no idea of how proud you are of your child, how much you want to show him off, etc. It's a bit dramatic to say that she will miss out if she doesn't have a relationship with him. On the other hand, maybe she would desperately like a child herself and finds it difficult to be around your happy family unit?

Yes, she does sound like a difficult person but on this particular issue I think you will have to accept that the close relationship you want for your son may not happen with her.

alicet · 10/01/2011 20:34

She sounds self centred and jealous ont he face of what you have said. However clearly there may be another side to the story!

Have you asked her outright why she doesn't want to see you? You know try the 'we would love to see you - I know you are much busier than me so you tell me where and when and ds and I will be there'. Then if she tries to fob you off ask her why she doesn't want to see you. Doesn't sound like you have a lot to lose?

MadamDeathstare · 10/01/2011 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BluddyMoFo · 10/01/2011 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

orangepoo · 10/01/2011 20:37

Sounds like jealousy.

Maybe she really wants a husband and baby and it is painful to watch you have what she wants?

I would just try not to keep asking her to meet up as she clearly doesn't want to. Perhaps then she might spend some time thinking about whether she will contact you to meet up.

Original poster
Honeybee79 · 10/01/2011 20:37

2 years younger. It could be jealousy - she was like that when we were teenagers but I thought we had got beyond that. And I just think she should get over it - it's not like my life is perfect anyway.

It's just the assumption that her life is so much harder than anyone else's. The constant "poor meing".

Ultimately, I'm not bothered what she thinks of me - I just wanted DS to get to know her and I think it's sad that she can't do that.

OP posts:
IAmReallyFabNow · 10/01/2011 20:38

YANBU to be hurt and angry but you can't change how she feels. Don't try and force things. Enjoy your baby and if your sister turns out to be a devoted auntie, consider it a bonus.

orangepoo · 10/01/2011 20:38

Oh, and when my youngest sibling got married, one of my middle siblings was utterly miserable throughout the wedding because he wanted the wedding, wife etc for himself (he is single). He tried not to show it but he told my mum that it was terrible to be 30 and feel like nobody wants him and watch his younger sib get married.

MadamDeathstare · 10/01/2011 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NancyDrewHasaClue · 10/01/2011 20:41

Both myslef and a number of my closest friends have this issue with our sisters.

In each case it is nothing to do with jealousy or wanting our lives it is simply that i) their lives are more interesting than ours and ii) they simply have no idea how important our children are to us and sitting watching them sleep in a pram holds no interest.

Maybe your sister is like this - On the otherhand maybe she is just a selfish madam. Either way is it worth falling out over?

Original poster
Honeybee79 · 10/01/2011 20:41

orangepoo I think you're right and I should just let it go.

I don't expect her to be as interested in DS as I am - just a bit interested in him from time to time!

If it's down to jealousy then it's just crazy but I guess I can understand if she is unhappy being single, though she has always seemed happy in that sense.

OP posts:
DitaVonCheese · 10/01/2011 20:41

You have a very long time for her to build up a relationship with her nephew. Some people just find babies a bit dull.

anonacfr · 10/01/2011 20:46

To be fair you are talking about an infant. It's not like they can recognise anyone at that age.

QuintessentialShadows · 10/01/2011 20:48

yabu. he is 12 weeks.

Opinionatedfreak · 10/01/2011 20:53

FGS. Babies are boring.

And so can new Mums be.

There is a limit to the number of times you can hear about nappy changing/ breastfeeding and cracked nipples.

Your son won't even remember whether she visited or not. He will when he is older though so don't alienate her now.

NoCarpForMe · 10/01/2011 20:54

sounds like my sister! She refused to come to my wedding due to ever changing reasons, but predominantly jealousy.

She's expecting her 1st now, and still won't talk to me, or have any contact, so DH and I are just leaving her to it. It's a shame DS doesn't know her at all, but she's missing out more than he is! (he's 15 months and hilarious at the moment!).

enjoy your new baby, ignore her, and let her come to you if she wants to - if not, your DS has other family, surely?

IAmReallyFabNow · 10/01/2011 20:59

I would love to be an auntie but no chance of that now.

Original poster
Honeybee79 · 10/01/2011 21:01

Yes, DS has other family. I have a brother and loads of friends who will be part of his life.

I know that babies can be dull. I find him dull sometimes and I'm his mother! I don't expect her to be interested in the details it would be just be nice if she wanted to see him at some point. I can't force her though and ultimately it will just play itself out.

Re the sobbing through the wedding, I just let that one go. I wanted to have a fun day regardless of what she was doing.

OP posts:
singingcat · 10/01/2011 21:01

I don't know why she is jealous, maybe she just isn't interested in babies. They don't do a fat lot at 12 weeks

katiestar · 10/01/2011 21:27

She will probably be more interested in him when he's older.As others havre said whilst young babies are adorable to their own parents they are pretty boring to anyone else

StrawberryTot · 10/01/2011 21:53

I think YABU, your son is only 12 weeks old and i agree that babies are pretty boring, i don't agree that your sister is jealous but probably disinterested in listening to details about the birth/ sleepless nights/ nappy changes/ breast feeding etc, shes a single lady probably enjoying working hard and playing hard Wink

RevoltingPeasant · 10/01/2011 22:01

honeybee

She does sound a bit trying Hmm but trying to be charitable, do you think it could be down to other reasons?

For example, the fact that she was so upset she sobbed during your wedding... the fact that she can't face you now... do you think she could be clinically depressed? Or have some other sort of MH imbalance?

Alternatively, is there something going on in her life that maybe you haven't picked up on as you are so taken up with new baby? E.g., if she is a teacher, is her school in special measures? Could she be having a tough time at work?

Or, has your relationship with your DH maybe changed your relationship with her? I used to be very close to DSis1 and then she got involved in a serious relationship and had much less time for me. I was single at the time, and honestly felt really sad at how much I didn't matter anymore. Do you think maybe she wants you as opposed to you plus DC sometimes?

classydiva · 10/01/2011 22:16

12 weeks old, when he just learning to smile! Starting to get chubby and look absolutely wholesome!

I'd be an auntie!