to be hurt and angry at my sister's behaviour

[Honeybee79]

Hi there

This one is a long story, but here is the precis: Sister and I both live in London, me with DH and DS (12 weeks old), sister is single and has own flat on the other side of town. Anyway, since DS was born she has only seen him once (for an hour when we came home from hospital). I would really like DS to have a relationship with her and think they will both miss out if it doesn't happen. I have called and texted to suggest a meet up but just get told she's too busy and that her job is too stressful for her to meet up. She's a teacher. Even over the Xmas hol she said she had no time to see us. I don't expect her to travel across town to see me and will happily meet her half way of take DS to her place but she won't. I feel hurt and sad for DS and also cross with sis.

We used to be close but she has always been a difficult person. She sat and cried throughout my wedding (), when I asked her to be the witness at my wedding she said she might be too busy and would need to check her diary to see if she could come to the wedding. She cried when I bought my flat and wouldn't speak to me for 2 months afterwards. I took her out for a birthday meal and she would barely speak to me throughout it. I have tried so hard to maintain good relations but am so so pissed off. My parents just pander to her: she sulks, strops, has my mum worried sick about her. It's so selfish.

AIBU for being so cross that she won't show any interest in her nephew?

it is her loss - but she needs to stop being so childish, otherwise she will never have the life that she so jealously covets.

Is there any way that you can try meeting up for a girly lunch or even a coffee without your DS? I know that might be tricky at this age, but perhaps spending a tiny bit of time with just you might help. I know that you probably don't want to pander to her behaviour, but it might help bring her around.

It's a bit tree huggy, but I was given "you can heal your life" by Louise Hay and it has transformed my outlook on life. I wasted a lot of time looking at what I didn't have, but now I am enormously grateful for what I do have. You could suggest that she reads it...

Oh honeybee, I have total sympathy for you. I have a sister very similar, single, very tied up with her job, hardly sees DD, maybe every couple of months and she is three miles down the road. She sees my brother up north and his kids more often and its a three hour journey!

We used to be close, and I was definitely the geeky younger sister, then met DP and it all changed.
I've just concluded she doesn't like me that much anymore and frankly, I'm not that keen on her.

Did you ever ask her to explain her behaviour? I know it might be hard. There probably is an element of jealousy but she sounds, like other have said, so wrapped up in herself that she can't even begin to hide her feelings, and wanting some of the attention for herself, hence the tears.
If she can't explain, don't pander to it.

Like other have said, do you need that kind of negative relationship in your life?

She sounds jealous.

YABU your DS is the centre of your world, but only yours to the rest of the world he's just another baby. Get over it, your sister is under no obligation to play doting auntie after all she didn't get a say in you having a baby so why should she then be forced into a relationship with him?

Whilst it might not be very interesting to for Honeybee's sister to see her baby, I would have thought she might want to offer her sister some support too. Being at home all day with a small baby is hard. Sorry Honeybee, that might be out of turn but even if she doesn't want to see your baby she should want to see how you are getting on.

I think your sister has depression issues, from what youve said. Sounds as if your parents are just pandering to her, which wont help, and you have your own things going on and havent noticed. It does seem obvious though. Maybew she feels she's 'missed out' in life, youve got the perfect life why didnt it happen for her, etc. Not saying she is right to feel like that, just that this kind of thing can rear its head at times. She needs to talk to someone professionally about the way she feels, not sure how that could happen but I hope she takes that step so you all have a better family relationship.

She is definitely, definitely jealous (I wouldn't have necessarily thought so from your OP but from the other details you provided re crying at wedding, flat purchase etc it's certainly the case). As a result she's trying to show you that she's far too busy and cool to bother with your baby.

Tbh, I think you just need to let her get on with it. She might get over herself at some point, but I wouldn't worry that your DS is missing out.

"You want your DS to know a jealous, rude, self-centred baggage? Why?"

I was wondering that also.

TBH, if she´s not interested, your son isn´t missing out.

I agree with what others have said about seeing my sis alone without my DS. My DH is really supportive and always offers to have DS for a few hours in the eve or at the wkend and I have suggested to my sis that we go out for a drink and a chat but she just doesn't respond. We used to be close and I know that she has been unhappy at work in the past and I would like to know how it is going for her.

I also agree that she might be suffering from depression and I have asked my Mum if she thinks this as she speaks to sis more. My mum is a bit old school and didn't really want to talk about it but I have wondered if maybe she needs to see her gp and/or a counsellor. It's not normal to behave like that.

I really don't want her to play the role of doting auntie if she doesn't want to. It would just be nice to see her sometime!

Adversecamber - very sorry to hear about your loss and how your SIL behaved in response to it