to want to get out of my MIL's house????

[tl10]

Sorry if I go on a bit here but feel like a rant :O I'm new to this so bear with me

I have a 10 week old baby girl and on the surface everything is idyllic. She is the most beautiful, precious thing who sleeps overnight and my boyfriend is besotted with her and will do anything for her and me without complaint and with a smile on his face. I have lost all my baby weight without any probs at all,had an easy (well as easy as they get birth lol) and so everything should be amazing.

The problem is the house we are in. My boyfriend's mother has gone to live abraod and we said that we'd take on her house in order to make her life easier at the most at cost price. In reality this hasn't happened. We are paying her well over the odds to live here and she shows no interest in coming home to sort out the odds and ends of her life here (including meeting her grandchild).

The house is decorated in a style that is beyond tacky and has clutter EVERYWHERE. There are boxes with her things in all over that take up the already very limited space we have in the house. There are huge photos up of distant relatives of my boyfriend's family all over the house and no space for pictures of us, any decor we would like, or pictures of my daughter on the wall. If she senses we have thrown anything (and bear in mind there are a thousand of every household object from the poundshop you could ever want) she goes ballistic and starts posting abusive messages on facebook of all things. We moved into the house to do both us and her a favour and so we could eventually buy it. She has shown no interest in moving her things however in 8 months and I am constantly having to sort her post and documents out- including her ranting on facebook at my boyfriend as he failed to send back some documents to her immediately that arrived the day I gave birth.

I have wanted out of the house since I was pregnant and rung my MIL to speak to her and she was reasonable. My boyfriend practically refuses to speak to her as it descends into a massive argument and nothing gets sorted. Last night after an argument with me about it he contacted her about us moving out for her to say if he moves out at the end of the month she will disown him. Now this morning, he was vague again about when we are moving out despite promising we would be out last night by the end of the month. I spent the day in tears today through frustration and feeling powerless about it. He says he hates it here too and that it is making him depressed but he still, however angry he is, feels loyaly towards his mum. I am personally paying more than her mortgage is worth out of my maternity pay (I worked until the day I gave bbirth so haven't felt the impact too badly although am dreading when I do). Part of me feels like cancelling my standing order for the end of the month thatgoes to her and moving with my little girl to the new house I can move into immediately that has everything we need (no broken tumble dryer that I've been told will be fixed for the last 4 months so I have to keep dragging stuff down to the launderette at £10 a pop/no faulty boiler/ boxes of shite everywhere). I know we would behappy- we could have our own things and create our own little home. WIth not working this house has become my world and I feel like it's becoming an obsession and harming my relationship.

Because of the resentment I feel, I feel more angry over little silly things. I end up spending nearly all my money on household items and baby stuff while my boyfriend seems to have money to burn. He his great at looking after her so I can go to the gym etc ((my one treat) but I feel like I have nothing for myself after I've spent everything on everyone else. He goes mad when I raise this and says if I asked him he'd give me money straight away but I feel the point is that I SHOULDN'T have to ask him.

I also feel resentful that all our friends who haven;t had kids, whose girlfriends don't work/wash/clean/cook/put up with a horrid house whilst paying a ton for it have all got engaged etc. When I bring the issue up he says we have other prorities. I feel we never go anywhere as a family and stay in all the time looking at the house etc. I have tried empty threats like we will leave (baby and me) into the new house without him but I don't mean it as I love the bones of him really but I do feel really fed up and miserable. Have spent the day in tears and it feels worse knowing we could move into the new house immediately.

Please tell me if you feel I'm being a spoilt brat or have any advice for me- I need some adult perspective as I know I've become very inward looking since having my baby and not working.

Thanks in advance :)

p.s just to add my boyfriend works very hard on a night shift and pays all the bills in the house. (I pay the mortgage and then some more which I can only presume is just being pocketed by my MIL) I do feel very lonely though as if he worked in the day I could get out and about but with the horrid weather I can't really take my daughter out at night when he isn't here.

Yanbu at all.

I think you need to move out tbh. Your dp is unreasonable to expect this to continue knowing how distressing it is for you. Why do his mothers feelings trump yours?

Thanks for that I feel the same but needed someone else to say it. I wanted to come on here and speak to people who don't know me as I don't want people I know to know I'm so fed up as I feel so blessed with the family I have got and didn;t want anyone to feel I didn't appreciate it.

Should have added as well I have chrons disease badly at the moment and so feel just getting out and about is a big accomplishment with my baby and pretending everything is normal- I went for an appointment at the hosp last week and they wanted me to stay as my stomach was so bad. I refused and haven't told anyone I know. I was so frightened of being kept in hosp and being seperated from my daughter. Am pretty convinced the stress of living here isn't helping. Its a horrid illness though- its like having the worst stomach upset ever so I feel more trapped in the house as I feel I can;t wander far. I have underplayed it to everyone so no one knows how ill I feel other than my mum.

Thanks for the reply- aren;t I a moaning minny lol.

If she would disown him over moving out of her house, she's not much of a mother is she!

Yes, absolutely, move out!

Look round some houses with your DP to show him how nicely you could be living, and how much cheaper those properties are.

Then cancel your payments to MIL and move.

Good luck!

any tips on if she turns round and says she can't afford the flight etc/ there are none available to come home this month? Can see it seriosuly happening- am convinced she's burying her head in the sand about her previous life here and just solely interested in her new romance abroad. My boyfriend said he won't move until she's booked a flight and is on her way homeand if she genuinely can;t get one this month he isn;t prepared to move even if we are here in February/March.

I can see her using that as an excuse not to bother (she's shown no interest until now) and don't believe a word she utters so thats why I was so upset when he turned around and said that this morning.

Thanks

Thanks PLumm- did that and it worked and I have a house all lined up ready to go that is perfect for the same money and thankfully will wait around for us :)

Wow there are a number of issues here. Lets take them one at a time.

Re the house - You have two choices. Move out (my preferred option tbh) or stay and make the house more your own. Your MIL sounds a little unhinged but in order to resolve this you will have to upset her on way or the other. Better that than you being so unhappy. Maybe you shoudl try talking to MIL since she was reasonable with you last tme? If after talking to your partner you decide staying is the best option then you must do the following

1. Find out what rent is being paid for similiar properties in the area and pay this amount to you MIL
2. Ask her to move all her stuff into storage somewhere. Give her a date. If its not done by then tell her you will pack everything up and move it all into one room in the house. Tell her that you will then reduce the rent paid to reflect the fact you have one less room. Pack that room to the ceiling with all the clutter and pictures etc and lock the door.
3. Get tumble dryer and boiler fixed and deduct cost from rent.

Re finances - You and your boyfriend live together now so you must have some joint finances. Sit down and work out what your joint out goings are - bills, rent, food, stuff for baby. Split the cost fairly and each pay that amount into an account or kitty to which you both have access every week/month. Make sure that this money is just used for the house/ baby and what you have left over is your own.

Re engagement - I have no advice on this. As a couple you need to discuss your future plans and make sure they are common ones. Engagement IMO is no big deal.

Re going out as a family - You can control this. Why don't you go out in the day while boyfriend sleeps after his shift? Once every 2 weeks make and effort to go somewhere on his day off the three of you. Just plan it.

In conclusion YANBU. You need to have a long talk with your partner and agree a way forward the two of you together. Be careful though bacause you sound like you are getting a bit down and you could be at risk of developing PND if you don't become a bit more proactive.

OK X post on the crohns disease. Explains why you are not going out much.

You will get very depressed sitting in a house you hate though. You really need to start getting out. it will help

That is brilliant advice BlueFergie thank you I really found that helpful :) xx

oh and everyday I make an effort to walk 2 miles whatever the weather with my baby and however I feel. I feel like my heaith condition gets better too because of this. I go the gym twice a week too and socialise with my friends. I just want to do things as a 3 and my partner doesn't ever instigate it so I feel he doesn'twant to. He is happy to go out as a couple or a 3 its just I have to be the one to sort it out- I seriously think we'd do nothing if I didn't.

You don't really have a MIL problem, you have a boyfriend problem. Its his mother but you are paying for all of it and he won't stand up to her and he won't move out and he won't do anything?
Your MIL sounds like a total wagon but your real problem lies with him.

First of all a hug for you when you are feeling so poorly.
I think you should try to go out for a meal/drink with your boyfriend to discuss how you are feeling in neutral surroundings.

You should try and tell him about how bad your illness is and that stress does affect it and ask him what he thinks is best for the 3 of you. Let him know that you think he's a fantastic dad and working hard for his family, and it's being at his mums that's really getting to you. You feel you need to make a new home for the 3 of you NOW and not wait for his mum to decide when that should happen.
Be honest about your illness and how you feel living where you are without it going into a bitch about his mum - although she sounds like a completely selfish horror to me!
Good luck

Glad you found it useful. I know what you mean about having to be the one to instigate things. My DH is like this over lots of stuff. There are just some things I take the initiative on and some he does. It happens in all relationships. Obviously you just need to push this particular one so do it. It will benefit you all.

poor you! Dont have anything useful to add, bluefergies said it all .
yanbu

I would like to think from what you have said that if you stopped paying and moved out your DP would follow you - I'm sure he wouldn't hang about in a horrible house on his own!

it's just easier for him to stick with the status quo if he's upset by his mum.
His mum disowning him - well shows how horrible she is - at the end of the day she'll probably get over it, if not she's not exactly helping you two out and I doubt she'll see much of you all in the future being abroad and not visiting so you won't lose much will you?

Send her an email saying you're sorry but you are moving out for your health and cancel the standing order. I think the other things are annoying but will go into better perspective once you move.

If you want to sort your finances out, work out a total of the money that it costs for rent and bills and your daughter then if you're paying more ask for a standing order for the difference from your DP. I'm sure he wouldn't mind and then it's taken care of.

That is brilliant advice thanks so much to everyone :) I appreciate your point BuzzLightBeer but just watching one born every minute and remembering how fantastic my boyf was with me during the labour-things like that bring me some perspective. He has the sort of personality where he doesn't get stressed (one of his more attractive features as I get wound up easy) or want to upset anyone he loves- he said this morn he'd live in a shack as long as we were safe but I think he feels pulled in the middle. He points out MIL's flaws more than anyone but at the end of the day she's still his mum. Although Ive focused on the doom and gloom he makes me laugh and smile more than anyone I've ever met and we have such a happy little girl.

Like I say a huge thank you for the advice- its been really good so far :) worth writing this long rambling rant lol :) keep it coming and tell me nice or honest any advice you have for me I appreciate it very muchx

OK the house issue is sorted and I can't see why your MIL shouldn't be able to get a flight home - it's January, where is she coming from Outer Mongolia ffs?

The boyfriend:

1. Lots of blokes (sorry sweeping generalisation coming but in my experience true) love their wives and want to keep them happy but the logistics of sorting out a babysitter, or booking an evening off and a restaurant for the same day etc just seem to be beyond them - and it doesn't matter whether they are unemployed or doing a very intense and complicated job they still can't remember their Mum and Dad's wedding Anniversary and get them a card on time.
2. He seems under his Mother's thumb, I suspect when you move into your own place he will become more his own person, he recognises her faults now but he doesn't want to act on them - I suspect this is very tied up with the fact he lives in the house where he was a small boy and his Mum was the dominant force in his life.
3. My partner and I work a lot of night shifts, in fact that is where he is now. Every morning we sit together when the "worker" comes in and have tea and toast together (and BBC News but that's not mandatory)then one (sometimes both :o )goes to bed and the other does their own thing (as long as it is quiet. Going for a walk, play golf, wander round a farmers market suits me - you need to get out, mix with "normal" people - cos your MIL sounds batty - just meet up with friends for cofee and cake (as long as they aren't triggers for your Crohn's obviously).
4. Lastly I am worried about your weight, 10 weeks and you have lost the baby weight? I know you said you have been to the gym but please keep an eye on it and make sure you don't lose any more so fast as it may be the Crohn's rather than the gym.

that makes a lot of sense. aren't people here good? :) to be honest with weight it was gone after t second week when I still felt great- all the women in my family were the same so i think it's just good fortune. I liked point 1 :) xx

Get some estate agents in and work out how much they would rent house for and how much it would cost to buy. Choose either to buy it or maybe look at other properties to rent/buy and make a suitable offer on a different property. Give mother notice - 1 month in writing. Give mother estate agent details at same time and she can choose to rent or sell. She doesn't need to be there to have an estate agent rent/sell the property. she can do it from a distance like other land lords.

thanks Pearl- I did that off my own back 2 months ago though. I spent an entire weekend cleaning and decluttering as best I could but apparently the asking price was too low and thats our fault even though my boyfriend has since she left put in a new bathroom and completely transformed an upstairs horrific bedroom into a lovely nursery. To rent it she would have to remove the polysterene tiles from the roof of the front room, and as the estate agent tactfully put it, remove all furniture etc. I can guarantee that will be our responsibility! Wasnt there a prog that decluttered mad people's houses? Life laundry or something?! If anyone has the number pass it on lol :) House also has no central heating so its not exactly going to be snapped up I don't think. So I totally agree but when we posted her the figures for renting/selling she didn't even have the courtesy to reply but just wrote on facebook how 'f*ked off' she was so I think thats a non-starter x

How are you managing without central heating and a baby?

You sound very, very stressed which can't be good for you.

For the first few weeks I was pretty much sleeping in the front room on the sofa each night as it was too cold for her in the bedroom.She slept in her moses next to me. We managed to get an upstairs heater fixed in the bedroom which made me 1000% happier so its warm enough for her now- toasty in fact. She is sat on my knee now cuddled up looking like she's reading this I hope she doesnt repeat anything lol. I am stressed despite the fact I'm cross with myself for being so. Doesn't help matters does it? xx