to want to get out of my MIL's house????

[tl10]

Sorry if I go on a bit here but feel like a rant :O I'm new to this so bear with me

I have a 10 week old baby girl and on the surface everything is idyllic. She is the most beautiful, precious thing who sleeps overnight and my boyfriend is besotted with her and will do anything for her and me without complaint and with a smile on his face. I have lost all my baby weight without any probs at all,had an easy (well as easy as they get birth lol) and so everything should be amazing.

The problem is the house we are in. My boyfriend's mother has gone to live abraod and we said that we'd take on her house in order to make her life easier at the most at cost price. In reality this hasn't happened. We are paying her well over the odds to live here and she shows no interest in coming home to sort out the odds and ends of her life here (including meeting her grandchild).

The house is decorated in a style that is beyond tacky and has clutter EVERYWHERE. There are boxes with her things in all over that take up the already very limited space we have in the house. There are huge photos up of distant relatives of my boyfriend's family all over the house and no space for pictures of us, any decor we would like, or pictures of my daughter on the wall. If she senses we have thrown anything (and bear in mind there are a thousand of every household object from the poundshop you could ever want) she goes ballistic and starts posting abusive messages on facebook of all things. We moved into the house to do both us and her a favour and so we could eventually buy it. She has shown no interest in moving her things however in 8 months and I am constantly having to sort her post and documents out- including her ranting on facebook at my boyfriend as he failed to send back some documents to her immediately that arrived the day I gave birth.

I have wanted out of the house since I was pregnant and rung my MIL to speak to her and she was reasonable. My boyfriend practically refuses to speak to her as it descends into a massive argument and nothing gets sorted. Last night after an argument with me about it he contacted her about us moving out for her to say if he moves out at the end of the month she will disown him. Now this morning, he was vague again about when we are moving out despite promising we would be out last night by the end of the month. I spent the day in tears today through frustration and feeling powerless about it. He says he hates it here too and that it is making him depressed but he still, however angry he is, feels loyaly towards his mum. I am personally paying more than her mortgage is worth out of my maternity pay (I worked until the day I gave bbirth so haven't felt the impact too badly although am dreading when I do). Part of me feels like cancelling my standing order for the end of the month thatgoes to her and moving with my little girl to the new house I can move into immediately that has everything we need (no broken tumble dryer that I've been told will be fixed for the last 4 months so I have to keep dragging stuff down to the launderette at £10 a pop/no faulty boiler/ boxes of shite everywhere). I know we would behappy- we could have our own things and create our own little home. WIth not working this house has become my world and I feel like it's becoming an obsession and harming my relationship.

Because of the resentment I feel, I feel more angry over little silly things. I end up spending nearly all my money on household items and baby stuff while my boyfriend seems to have money to burn. He his great at looking after her so I can go to the gym etc ((my one treat) but I feel like I have nothing for myself after I've spent everything on everyone else. He goes mad when I raise this and says if I asked him he'd give me money straight away but I feel the point is that I SHOULDN'T have to ask him.

I also feel resentful that all our friends who haven;t had kids, whose girlfriends don't work/wash/clean/cook/put up with a horrid house whilst paying a ton for it have all got engaged etc. When I bring the issue up he says we have other prorities. I feel we never go anywhere as a family and stay in all the time looking at the house etc. I have tried empty threats like we will leave (baby and me) into the new house without him but I don't mean it as I love the bones of him really but I do feel really fed up and miserable. Have spent the day in tears and it feels worse knowing we could move into the new house immediately.

Please tell me if you feel I'm being a spoilt brat or have any advice for me- I need some adult perspective as I know I've become very inward looking since having my baby and not working.

Thanks in advance :)

Personally, I would do one of two things. And whichever one I did, I would try really hard to be as diplomatic and nice to your mil as possible. But arrange it all in writing, in case there are legal difficulties with mil. Such as trying to make you pay for something she feels you did to degrade the home. Since she is so hot tempered. (will her current romantic relationship even work out, she sounds difficult, and she may be counting on being able to move back to the home if she needs to)

Mil arranges for her stuff to be stored or sold. Repairs done. Washer etc replaced or price of home discounted if not). Then you arrange to buy or rent the place, whichever you prefer.
Or give mil fair written notice and move out.

Curious though, why is your mil's stuff all still there anyways?

You need your own place. Personally, I would give a month's notice today to your MIL, then move out mid-February. If she says she can't afford the fare to come home, then could you offer to lend it to her? See it as an investment!

As an aside, what is it about MILs that they are so manipulative around our DPs?

Hiya- god knows why her things are still there- wondered the same myself. She came back in September to pack up all her things spent the day packing complete crap (nine pairs of too small asda smart price jeans being one example) threw nothing away, and left all the boxes in the house everywhere. Boyfriend run around organising a pallet for her to get the boxes shipped over and when mentioned about her sorting it when she'd been back for a week abroad was told 'stop f**king going on about it I'm on to it'. They are still living in our house now.

This was the same visit she smoked continuously in our house (my bf had to discretely have a word and she did stop to be fair- only found out about that a few weeks ago). Bearing in mind I was 8 months pregnant and had been atwork since 7 that morning I rem coming home to her chain smoking at 5pm, then I was cooking tea for everyone and then not even getting a thank you or comment even though she mentioned to bf that it was very nice.

Am feeling in the mood now to just leave- rung her up myself to tell her in November we would be out after xmas so feel we have given her notice it is just her who has chosen to ignore it. Feel the main person who is suffering here is me and it's not even my family.

As for her legally doing owt 1) she'd never be arsed and 2) she'd get laughed out of wherever she took us to court etc- the difference we have made to upstairs is huge in a good way and I have before and after photos to prove it.

Thanks for listening to me rant and advice about what must sound a v dull problem- v theraputic. :)

tl10 it's not a dull problem at all. You don't really sound like you're getting much support, at the very time you need it most.

You were sleeping on the couch due to the cold with your baby?
Your MIL is unhinged and hysterical - what sort of parent threatens to disown her own son if he moves out?
You were working well up to the day you were giving birth?
You are having to pay more than a fair value for the accommodation , but with none of the legal protection or respect a normal landlord would offer (fixing broken things, being able to use all the space as your own)?
Your boyfriend won't discuss the idea getting married even as a long term goal, yet you have a little one together?
You were working 7am - 5pm then making meals for people at home?

It sounds like there are a range of issues that need to be addressed, fortunately I see that some of the other posters here have given you some decent, practical advice.

I do think that your boyfriend needs to support you more on all of this - YOU shouldn't be the one having to deal with the ramifications of moving out, having to keep the peace with your MIL, etc.

I know you love your bf but I think for your own sanity you need to take a postion i.e I am moving out on x date I would very much like you to move with us but I will not be staying here a momnet longer, regardless of the excuses your mother gives for being unable to manage her own life.

This house will only continue to get you down, I imagine you have invested heavily in time and effort sorting out the bathroom etc with a view to this being an investment for your future but she (your mil) will not sell this house for market rate ( she said it was too low) instead she wants you to carry on paying over the odds for a property that she would not be able to get away with in any other circumstances in family were not involved! And all this is it the time of more expense and little cash for you, with the birth of your dd (congratulations!).

She is not treating you fairly now, who would make family pay over and above market rent??? or cost???? and she will not treat you well in the future.

IMHO cut your losses move to a new place and use the money saved to build up some savings for you new life with your DD.

It will be difficult but all things that are difficult are... oh and the sooner you do it the sooner your chrons (ewhich is exacerbated by stress?) can improve.

Go on bite the bullet and set a date nothing will happen without YOU doing this!!

things that are difficult are normally worth it in the end!!!

I'd move out by myself while you still have your maternity pay. Your partner will follow or he is a total arse and you are better off with out him. Equally if he does follow and his mother disowns him.. she is an arse and he's better off with out her!

Do it quick though while money is not an issue.

It sounds as though you moved in together too soon, perhaps because of the baby abd didn't properly decide where you both wanted to live. You should have agreed an appropriate price for the house and that she put her stuff in storage before moving in.
If the house is full of someone else's clutter and is overpriced then there is no reason for you ever to have lived there. A middle aged woman should be supporting herself not expecting her son to support her by paying a huge rental.
Your boyfriend's mums house is her problem. Let her find a lodger for it through a property maintainance company. That will force her to clear her stuff out.
You have to decide where you and the baby want to live, with or without your boyfriend.
Your boyfriend should be threatening to disown his mum, for being a selfish moneygrabbing manipulator.