To hate the expression, 'everything happens for a reason'?

[Hammy02]

I may be being a bit precious but I wince whevever anyone says it. I've had an easy life but know people that have been through hell and always think about people like that whenever anyone says it.

lenak - I agree in the "making your own luck" idea.

If you didn't think you could influence events and everything was preordained then you might as well give up and accept everything that happens.

Generally an expression used by smug bastards observing others' misfortune.

Thanks MardyBra, I didn't say anything to her about the comment and I'm sure it was said with the best of intentions, but even my DH, my mum and my dad were when she said it. My dad says his sister is noted for her ill timed comments - according to him, she opens her mouth without engaging her brain

Well, I had the worst Landlady ever, in sheer desperation I posted on here and got not only the very best advice I could get, I found a real life dear, dear friend.

She has transformed my life, put a word in with my new LA, gave me a bed for DS to sleep in, and even got me some work. Oh and she managed to help us get a superb holiday in her IL house. I love her to bits!

Had I not had this dreadful LL, I would never have met her.

Everything DOES happen for a reason, GOOD usually does follow BAD, even if it sometimes takes a while....

It's nice that you found a friend LittleMiss, but I don't believe it happened BECAUSE you had a dreadful LL. I think it happened because a) you were lucky and b) you reacted to the circumstances around you in a proactive way (i.e. posting on MN).

Lenak, although I don't feel as though I'm a lucky person (as in I have loads of good stuff happening to me) I feel lucky for what I've got.

If something moderately bad happens, I do think how much worse it could have been. Like we spent more than we budgeted at Christmas, but I was glad we didn't go into debt.

This would go out of the window though if anything seriously distressing happened, and like anyone I would struggle to comprehend what had happened.

In this case it'd be impossible to start weighing up good/bad or rationalise the perspective you have on the world.

i don't believe in karma, it's ridiculous. Life is random. Having said that, if someone gets there come uppance or just reward it's nice to pretend to myself that they got it because they deserved it.

I am likely to say this. I go along with the theories of determinism and thus the phrase fits the belief. It isn't to diminish whatever tragedy has occured, it is to make sense of it, to help a person steer themselves away from self flagellation and to give hope.

If people are going to get uppity about it then perhaps we should all just nod and change the subject when our friends tell us their woes?

Prefer that people.

I concede that it depends on the tone and conext but the belief that things happen for a reason is a valid one whether or not you believe so yourself.

"Generally an expression used by smug bastards observing others' misfortune." - Cumfy

Not always true and pretty offensive- I use the phrase a lot to help me rationalise why my dd was born with mental and physical disabilities.

Agree with hobgoblin - it gives hope and meaning to often difficult circumstances.

hobbgoblin - this is not determinism. Determinism is about cause - not reason.

'belief that things happen for a reason is a valid one whether or not you believe so yourself.'

By that logic - all beliefs (there is an magic pink teapot in my garden) are equally valid - whether you believe them or not. Totally pointless remark, really.

I completely agree that we can make our own luck and turn bad events to have better consequences. But that is down to us. And some bad stuff is just bad - overwhelming for those experiencing it (terminal for example).

Somehow to me it insults and diminishes the very real suffering that many people experience to say that it 'happens for a reason'.

Acinonyx, I disagree.

The cause is the reason, reason is the cause surely?

If you believe that events are pre-determined and that the outcome is the same whatever path you choose then that means there was a reason things happened and that reason is that life is pre-determined.

OP, I also find this expression terribly irritating, speaking as someone who had the misfortune of having to grow up with an alcoholic father and then suffered sexual abuse as a teenager. I know that people who say it most of the time do not mean any harm, but I dislike the expression. The saying is just so depressing, I cannot for the life of me imagine that someone would actually mean that terminal illnesses, genocides, natural disasters or crimes against children happen for a reason.

Interestingly, despite being much more of a 'shit happens' person, I would not describe myself as pessimistic or cynical. In fact, despite everything I had to endure, I rather like myself and my life and consider myself very, very lucky to have been able to recover and move on from what happened to me [where is a 'smug victim' emoticon when you need one?]. To me, that is the real positive - that one can experience such a good outcome despite the misfortunes. Not believing that a dirty bastard getting into my teenage panties was part of some big plan, divine or otherwise.

My wonderful friend who committed suicide after a childhood filled with torturous physical, emotional and sexual abuse was a strong believer in Determinism. I think he held this belief strongly as an antithesis to his deep feelings of shame and guilt. Unfortunately the latter won out and he died, forever damaged by his childhood. I hope his life and death was supposed to be and that there was a point to all the awfulness - a reason why this happened. If not, then I find his suicide even harder to bear.

YANBU. I hate it. Same as I hate the old "not meant to be" phrase as well.

I was just about to write a similar post to Bunnyjo. After I had a miscarriage someone said to me, "Ah well. Not meant to be."

I felt like punching them.

Sometimes things are just random. Sometimes unbelievably crap things are just random.

'Reason' implies motive whereas 'cause' does not. That is the big difference here. Absolutely there is a cause - but there is no motive - no guided direction to the events (unless people have been so motivated).

I am unsure about determinism and tend to go for a soft determinism. I think there are such things as random quantum events - and therefore event are not inevitable. I am generally unsure about determinism though - I just don't know - and I don't see how anyone can know.

I think in relation to a miscarriage it's alright for the woman having it to think it wasn't meant to be, because that's how I had to think about it, but to say that to another person is insensitive in the extreme.

I wouldn't say anything like that to anyone else, but I have said it in a longer version and in the context of a discussion about their depression.

It's someone I'm close to so it wasn't a platitude, but a way of trying to help them through a particularly difficult time in their life where they were losing perspective of their future.

charlieandlola

I'm just viewing the expression as a retrospective saying, not as you do a prospective one.

ie.
Retrospective Events have occured due to prior "reasons"

Prospective Events occur to determine future life with no substantive prior reason.

Completely different things.
But I think I see where you're coming from.

YANBU.

I hate stupid expressions like this. Its like people are saying "well theres nothing you can do, so just get on with it" which is what that crappy expression means to me.

Love your name crapbag

How did you come by it?

Thanks Agent.

Its from Friends, don't know if you watched it but Phoebe changes her name to something ridiculous after she gets married so Mike says he is going to be known as Crap Bag ("remember it like a bag of crap"). One of my favourite bits from the programme.

I agree it can sound a bit trite when something terrible happens.

Positive mental attitude doesn't guarantee a shit free life, but a happier and more contented outlook IME.

I'm more inclined to be determined to learn something from every experience, no matter how difficult or awful it is. Hard sometimes, trust me

Not everyone can be like that but it works for me and gives me a reason to keep going.

YANBU because it's stupid. Things don't happen 'for a reason' they just happen. It may lead to something good or to something bad. But it didn't happen in order to cause that, because it's random.

CrapBag Change it to Crapbag Banana Hammock and I'll Princess Consuela !!

*I'll be... sorry the excitement was too much for me.