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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate the expression, 'everything happens for a reason'?

53 replies

Hammy02 · 10/01/2011 16:12

I may be being a bit precious but I wince whevever anyone says it. I've had an easy life but know people that have been through hell and always think about people like that whenever anyone says it.

OP posts:

LadyOfTheManor · 10/01/2011 16:15

The meaning is spot on-the wording is a bit cringeworthy.

LadyOfTheManor · 10/01/2011 16:15

Perhaps it's the crap sing-song smug people say it?

AgentZigzag · 10/01/2011 16:26

I don't think everything happens for a reason, but it is weird when eg you clean the house from top to bottom and you're ILs drop by for an unannounced visit, making it look like your house is tidy like that all the time.

If it's said about something serious, the person saying it is just trying to soften the blow and help the person frame their problem with a longer time span.

mommmmyof2 · 10/01/2011 16:26

Yeah I have had people say it to me and eventhough they mean well at the time you feel like just telling them to shut up!
As somethings you just don't want to happen so sod the saying

AMumInScotland · 10/01/2011 16:28

YANBU - it's such an irritating phrase. Personally (despite a religious faith) I believe that lots of things happen as a result of random factors that have nothing to do with anyone causing them for a reason. I suppose it's meant to be comforting, but I think "Random shit happens, you just have to deal with it" is more comforting than feeling that God/Fate/The Universe is doing it to you deliberately.

scoobydoobydoobydoobydoo · 10/01/2011 16:29

Well, it might sound a bit trite and I'm sure that not everyone who has been 'through hell' appreciates the sentiment, but I think there are a number of people who do like to believe that things happen for a reason - even if they can't see what it is at that time.

It makes it all a little less meaningless, to believe that there is a reason.

deemented · 10/01/2011 16:29

That is one of my pet hates.

Sometimes there just aren't any reasons and thats a fucking hard thing to learn to live with.

Ormirian · 10/01/2011 16:30

I guess it's helpful if it enables you to see past the instant and look to the future. I think it's just a comfort phrase, a way of making a friendly noise.

EricNorthmansMistress · 10/01/2011 16:32

I see it meaning more like, when something shit happens, you can look back later and see how that shit thing led to something good, or led you further down your life's journey, or something. My DH has a saying which translated means 'you don't know where the goodness is' which just means that there could be a good consequence to something that seems shit. It's not very comforting at the timne of shitness though!

missismonky · 10/01/2011 16:34

YANBU. It's a crappy platitude. If you care enough to try to comfort someone, it's better to try to find your own words.

MrsYamada · 10/01/2011 16:40

I'm more of a 'shit happens' person but I guess that's not a very comforting thing to say.

mutznutz · 10/01/2011 16:43

MrsYamada Same here!

I think the most annoying expression ever is "Oh well, they had a good innings" When an old person dies.

My Nan died aged 94 and never played cricket in her life

KalokiMallow · 10/01/2011 16:45

I like it.. mainly because it is, for me, the only way I can deal with everything going wrong. I have to keep thinking that it's all for a reason and will lead to something better. I think I'd give up otherwise :(

ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar · 10/01/2011 16:48

Yeah, I'm like Kaloki. But then I'm a fairly optimistic person anyway, so tend to try and find the bright side.

Acinonyx · 10/01/2011 16:51

I hate it. I'm a 'shit happens' person through and through. I don't believe things happen for a reason. There are reasons why things happen - but they don't happen for some predestined future reason. I can see it might be comforting - doesn't make it true though .

TrillianAstra · 10/01/2011 16:51

I don't think it's true, therefore I don't find it particularly comforting.

Agree with MrsY that "shit happens" is or realistic.

KalokiMallow · 10/01/2011 16:58

I don't think it's predestined as such, just think that a lot of the time good things can come out of bad.

Acinonyx · 10/01/2011 17:08

But that is not the reason the bad things happened.

nickelbabyjesus · 10/01/2011 17:13

I believe "shit happens" but i don't believe it "happens for a reason".

I just don't think the universe is that precise.

GrimmaTheNome · 10/01/2011 17:22

ITA.

Everything has a cause, but there is usually no reason behind it, if by reason you mean the plan of a rational being.

Bad things may happen, and they may test us and make us stronger, or they may bring out the good in other people, but that's not why they happen.

AgentZigzag · 10/01/2011 17:41

I suppose it's trying to make sense of a very unpredictable and cruel world.

I'm pretty optimistic too, and it helps me see the crap stuff that happens in a balance with all the good things, which is easy to lose sight of at times.

Acinonyx · 10/01/2011 17:44

But around the world, there are a great many people for whom the crap is not at all balanced by the good.

Bunnyjo · 10/01/2011 17:49

My aunt said that to me the day after I got out of hospital having had a mc. I had contracted chickenpox, despite being told I was immune and that, sadly, caused the mc.

To be honest I wanted to shove her words up her arse would rather she said nothing at all. Not only was the comment ill timed, but bloody thoughtless!

MardyBra · 10/01/2011 17:54

That's dreadful Bunnyjo -so sorry for your loss. I can understand why you were angry with her but I'm sure she was trying.

OP YANBU. It depends if you believe in fate or not. And I don't. Worse still for me is "it's God's will", but that's another thread (which has been done to death).

lenak · 10/01/2011 18:01

I stand by "everyhting happens for a reason" and tend to believe in fate / karma to a certain extent.

Of course the logical person in me knows that things are generally random, but as an optimist I will look for the good in everything. I agree with AgentZigzag that it helps me to see balance.

I also think optimists who think like this are generally much more relaxed and take things in their stride, allowing them to make the most of good opportunities, even in a bad situation.

Shit Happens is similar in that people who say it take things in their stride, but are more cynical and less likely to look for the good opportunities in a bad situation.

It ties very much into the lucky / unlucky debate. There was a really interesting 10 year study done by Richard Wiseman on luck.

This one of his conclusions, I find particularly illuminating (and true):

The differences between the lucky and unlucky people were striking. Lucky people tend to imagine spontaneously how the bad luck they encounter could have been worse and, in doing so, they feel much better about themselves and their lives. This, in turn, helps keep their expectations about the future high, and, increases the likelihood of them continuing to live a lucky life.

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