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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off my friend won't come to my DS's birthday

43 replies

rostbeef · 10/01/2011 11:05

We have been friends for years, my son's birthday is this weekend and she, her DH and DD have been invited. And ACCEPTED the invite. Its his 1st Birthday so I feel really proud. Today she says she hasn't really thought about it oops and she needs a clear week and weekend at home with her DD (6months) to get her into a routine as she is not sleeping. Can she let me know, but probably won't be able to make it after all.
I mean WTF? Its important to me. She should make the effort. I know she is sleep deprived but who the eff isn't as a parent! Am I being a bitch? Or is she!?

OP posts:
minibmw2010 · 10/01/2011 11:07

Well you are clearly, but I guess its a tiny bit understandable as your DS's first birthday is so precious to you. However, with a small child of her own, she can't make her life about you and your DS. Its unfortunate but I can understand why she's reluctant to commit.

Animation · 10/01/2011 11:08

I'm not surprised you're hurt and annoyed.

prettymuchapixiegirl · 10/01/2011 11:13

I don't think you're being a bitch, I would feel the same way...

FabbyChic · 10/01/2011 11:14

It's only Monday surely she could arrange her week so she could attend, I mean it is not an all day event surely?

Excuse seems a bit lame to be honest.

nigglewiggle · 10/01/2011 11:17

It seems such an odd explanation that TBH i'd be concerned about whether my friend was coping. Perhaps you could offer her some help this week and then maybe she would feel better about leaving the house.

Chil1234 · 10/01/2011 11:18

At least you know what you'll be doing in six months' time when her baby turns one :) It's a bit of a 'washing my hair' kind of excuse isn't it?

Bucharest · 10/01/2011 11:19

YABU.
I wouldn't want to be going to a first birthday party with my 7 yr old, let alone with a small baby.
As niggle says, it sounds as if she's having a bad time on the sleep front so the last thing she probably needs is something to knock her little one even further out of synch.

ENormaSnob · 10/01/2011 11:19

It's more of an excuse than a genuine reason IMO

I loathe kids parties, especially 1st and 2nd ones but I would grin and bear an hour for a good friend.

PorkChopSter · 10/01/2011 11:20

Sounds like more of an excuse, a very PFB type of excuse.

BettyCash · 10/01/2011 11:20

YABU +PFB - I thought you said she was your friend? Is she the only person coming to the party of what?

AgentZigzag · 10/01/2011 11:24

I agree that it's a bit of an excuse 'I can't make it I'm afraid, sorry when did you say the party is?'.

But at least she's tried to soften it a bit by trying to make her excuses, what she might really want to say is 'I'm having a really, really crap time of it at the min, and just can't summon the energy to get myself a cuppa let alone put on a smiley face for a party'.

If you know what it's like to be sleep deprived, you could be a bit more understanding?

Neither of you are being nasty, just accept she's fucking nackered and trying to get by every day.

inchhighprivateeye · 10/01/2011 11:25

This thread is like 'When PFBs Collide'

gingernutlover · 10/01/2011 11:31

I can see why you are upset, and I probably would be too.

But, having been through PND and not coping with a baby myself I would be worried about my friend if she was behaving like this - unless she has always been a bit flakey?

If it's a one off I would let it slide and check that she is coping okay, maybe you could offer to help?

If it's a regular occurance and you think she is generally thoughtless and lazy towards the friendship I think I would be making much less effort from now on.

BuzzLightBeer · 10/01/2011 11:33

YABU. You're being precious. You sound very "its all about me"

Bumperlicious · 10/01/2011 11:34

Yabu. She must be wretched if her baby is not sleeping. My dd is 3 months and struggling to sleep. Yesterday she wouldn't nap & I took dd to my friend's ds's 2nd birthday & she was basically hysterical for the 3 hours we were there. It makes me not want to go out. I can well imagine needing a few days to establish a routine.

I think you need to understand that while being tired is what being a parent is all about people have different levels of tiredness.

It's great that it's your ds's birthday & well done for surviving the first year! But it's not as important to everyone. Forget missing a party, I'd sell my first born for a decent nights sleep right now!

OTheHugeManatee · 10/01/2011 11:35

'An old, really close friend invited me, my DD and DH to her child's first birthday party. My 6mo DD is sleeping badly and having trouble getting into a routine. I'm totally at my wits' end. I told my friend I'd have to cancel as I need to spend a bit of time just concentrating on getting DD settled without any disruptions to her routine. She's now really cross and making me feel guilty.

AIBU to concentrate on my own DD?'

Deliaskis · 10/01/2011 11:35

I think YABU, kids parties are for kids, when they are old enough to actually appreciate them, IMO. I've always thought adults being expected to attent very young kid's birthday parties is a bit odd TBH.

It was a bit inconsiderate of her to say yes, then no, but not unreasonable for her to just not want to come, especially with a 6 month old to consider.

I would have a good think about whether she might be struggling as per ZigZag s post suggests. Your OP sounds a bit self-absorbed TBH. Sorry Blush, I know that sounds a bit horrid, but really, so does your last para.

D

DuelingFanjo · 10/01/2011 11:40

yabu

Original poster
rostbeef · 10/01/2011 11:53

ooo you guys are tough. OK. We are both PFB. I wouldn't do it to her but then who know WHAT you'll do when you desperately need sleep.

RE:
OTheHugeManatee Mon 10-Jan-11 11:35:21
'An old, really close friend invited me, my DD and DH to her child's first birthday party. My 6mo DD is sleeping badly and having trouble getting into a routine. I'm totally at my wits' end. I told my friend I'd have to cancel as I need to spend a bit of time just concentrating on getting DD settled without any disruptions to her routine. She's now really cross and making me feel guilty.

AIBU to concentrate on my own DD?'

yes YABU!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
rostbeef · 10/01/2011 11:57

Forgot to add she is his Godmother....does that make a difference??

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 10/01/2011 12:02

Are you saying you think she's being unreasonable to concentrate on her own DD and struggling to get through every day because you think she should grin and bear your DCs party??

If you think she's selfish because of this, then you're being doubly selfish not understanding what it feels like.

Did you find it easy with your DC at six months? Great if you did, but not everyone has such an easy time.

You're not being a good friend to her at the min I think.

AgentZigzag · 10/01/2011 12:02

Nope, Godmother status makes no difference at all, she's a human being not a robot.

jamaisjedors · 10/01/2011 12:05

Stealth.

Deliaskis · 10/01/2011 12:06

Ditto what ZigZag said.

When you say "who know WHAT you'll do when you desperately need sleep" it sounds like you think this is a really terrible thing, but it's not. I know you probably think because she is Godmother it is her duty to be there, but really, just try and put yourself in her shoes and think about how cr@p she might be feeling right now. We don't all cope with things in the same way.

Sorry but it sounds like you're the one being a bit of a cr@p friend TBH.

And FWIW, of course she should be putting the needs of her own DC first (which might mean her trying to have a quiet weekend, for her own sanity).

D

Original poster
rostbeef · 10/01/2011 12:06

I agree with nigglewiggle. I think she is struggling. But that doesn't mean I am not allowed to feel a bit hurt. Still. I did ask.
Agent ZigZag - no. I didn't get a nights sleep until mine was 10 months. My friend was very supportive to me. But I have been supportive of her - thats why I wish she would come. I do understand what it feels like. thats why I know she could come. But she'd rather not and thats the fact of it.

OP posts:
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