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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have left DS sobbing in bed?

70 replies

mumbar · 09/01/2011 19:10

DS is 6yo and starting to push many boundaries. He especially seems just to almost disregard anything I've said like hes not heard it.

Anyway tonight I said he could stay up a little later and watch a little of Dancing on Ice as he had a long lie in this morning.

He was in the lounge and I was in the kitchen (off the lounge) washing up. He asked me to shut the kitchen door. I said to turn the TV up if he needed too and he said 'No, I want you to push the door shut'. I reiterated what I had said and said I wanted to watch it too.

Hethen asked if he could switch off the lights and get his blanket. I said 'yes, but you must sit on the sofa as I have got a coffee on the table.'

I turned around from washing up 2 minutes later and he was prancing around in the dark in the lounge, arms everywhere, and hadn't even got his blanket.

So I told him he had to go to bed as if he wanted to stay up he would have been nicer to me and would have listened. He cried, I gave him a kiss, told him what a great job he had done tidying his room (trying to end it on a positive).

He was crying when I left the room and is now doing a fake hysterical wail. Actually that has stopped since starting this post and now he is banging (not hard) on the wall.

I'm ignoring. AIBU??

OP posts:

Original poster

mumbar · 09/01/2011 20:00

I'm ed by his attitude. Usually he is really good, very scatty but he will stop at 'no' and listen. That is why I have been harsher at him ignoring me lately - stopping bad habits before they start IYSWIM.

And NO I was not stoping him dancing at the TV, there were ads on.

And tbh if he gets overexcited after his normal bedtime then I can't settle him so yes I did want him to sit and watch it - thats what we agreed he could stay up and do.

fabbychic I am not mean by any standards. DS has been to a friend house today, then park and had friends around this afternoon. They turned his room upside down having fun which I tidied up. Usually he is expected to tidy his own room but they had paint, glue, paper, sticking stuff out everywhere. I give him freedom and fun and in return expect respect and good behaviour. Hardly unheard of. I may be BU in this case but not mean - mean is a deliberately cruel action.

OP posts:

SecretSlattern · 09/01/2011 20:05

mumbar, I do feel your pain and stick by what I said earlier on in the thread. Good on you for sticking to your guns. He might have the hump now, but tomorrow he will know that you mean business, or at the very least, be on the way to learning and accepting that you mean business.

AgentZigzag · 09/01/2011 20:07

I'm far, far meeeeaaaner than the OP Fabby, I'm truly an unfair mum to DD1, I even tell her to switch her light off and stop reading at about 10 some nights

She soon gets over me ruining her days

IAmReallyFabNow · 09/01/2011 20:09

My 9 year old told me last week he didn't have to do what I said, so sympathies.

raedrenn · 09/01/2011 20:12

You sound like a good mum. I seemss like he's just going through a pesky phase and trying it on. You stick to your guns and instincts. Has he gone to sleep yet?

My DS is still a baby but he knows who's boss already. I'm sure he'll keep testing me though! :) I also have 4 (much) younger brothers who have all been through this.

AgentZigzag · 09/01/2011 20:13

If he's been out and about today, had mates over, and he's not normally a pain, could he just be worked up and overtired?

If that's the case, he's in the right place

Original poster

mumbar · 09/01/2011 20:19

Thing is the statement 'I can do what I want' is copied from a friends DC's. They also just carry on when asked to stop/ modify what they are doing and are left to get on with it. They are not happy children. As I say above I'm very relaxed about mess, what he and others do here, but if they are given the freedom then they have to show good behaviour.

I have decided that tomorrow I will give him the oppotunity for 15 minutes extra up to play games with me providing his behaviour is good after school. Hopefully a quick chance to recify and model what I expect from him. EG good behaviour=rewards.

OP posts:

CoonRapids · 09/01/2011 20:20

I'm not sure whether you were harsh, probably not as he hadn't done as you'd asked. But I don't think a good idea to say things like 'you would have been nicer to me' because children's behaviour shouldn't be to do with being nice/not nice to a parent per say. It's more about them acting appropriately in the context of the boundaries you've set as the parent. If they know that their behaviour is judged as to whether or not they are 'being nice' to a parent, it gives them alot of power. If their behaviour is judged in terms of boundaries/rules then it's a simpler matter of whether/not they are behaving well or not... and if they're not, then there can be an appropriate course of action.

Original poster

mumbar · 09/01/2011 20:22

readenn Yes he was asleep about 5 minutes after going back to bed!!

I was slightly smug pleased about how I never had the terrible 2's or threenager stage. Think he's been saving it up.

OP posts:

herbietea · 09/01/2011 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

mumbar · 09/01/2011 20:23

coon excellent point about being nice - I'll have to find a better way to word it. [blush}

OP posts:

whoknowswhatthefutureholds · 09/01/2011 20:29

I understand where you are coming from.

The issue is not what he did more the defiance of doing what he is told.

My 5 year old was like this last week, I did these things:

Praised him overly for following instructions (did a sticker chart for each time he did a chore, which gained him a week of extra stories at bed when he reached 50)

warned him that I was fed up with him not doing him stuff whenasked and told he would be on the step for 2 minutes if he did it.

When he refused to do stuff, warn him that he would go on the step unless he did it, counted to 5 in my head and if he didnt he sat on the step. then got him to do it praising him loads.,

has worked a total treat. He is now doing stuff no fuss, ended up on the step a few times in the first day (testing me) and about once this week. Bedtime is a little longer though!

whoknowswhatthefutureholds · 09/01/2011 20:30

Should add the couple od months before was a daily battle of me getting cross, him ignoring me more.

mommmmyof2 · 09/01/2011 20:30

I wish my daughter would go to bed when I told her, when I tell her off for something all I get is cheak and back chat lately and she is also 6.
I think it is hard as you don't want them to get over excited before bed maybe you could have just give him a warning first.But then I am soft as anything and that is not working at all at the moment {confused] so maybe its just getting a balance.
I need to be a little harder really.

mommmmyof2 · 09/01/2011 20:31

CeliaFate · 09/01/2011 20:44

After your post where he got up and said I don't have to do what you want, then I'd say you were right originally to send him to bed.

Original poster

mumbar · 09/01/2011 20:47

mummyof2 its not about being hard. I let things go a lot, unimportant things.

But I feel after a day all about him (btw I did his chores for him too today) and then the offer of a later bedtime, that when he is rudely trying to shut me in the kitchen, and not even acknowliging what I say - btw the way what I said was yes to what he asked - he should accept it and do as asked. He is always given a warning.

whoknows I do positive praise and agree it works wonders (usually) .

He asked me the other day about buying things, getting magazines, why I said no to chocolate when we pop into the co-op for milk etc. I said I would give him £2 a week pocket money as long as he was good. I explained I would tell him when he was on the verge of losing an amount. On Thurs I told him how pleased I'd been with his behaviour this week - especially getting ready for school (his weak point) and was pleased that if it carried on I'd be able to give him his pocket money. He then started being deliberatly difficult - testing me!! Slowly he lost it but not wanting it to be a negative threat I gave him opptunities to earn it back. He did and got given it this morning. And tonight he's been difficult again.

I will perservere with this for a few weeks but maybe the pocket money will have to go and go back to me stipulating the reward and eliminate the element of choice money gives him???

perhaps I could use a number of stickers = an amount of pocket money up to the value of £2? What do the wise MNers think??

OP posts:

Original poster

mumbar · 09/01/2011 20:49

Thanks celia Having re-read the op I can see why it seemed harsh but the 2nd post with the subsequent rudeness is what I've been getting - hence the original quick harsh reaction.

OP posts:

readywithwellies · 09/01/2011 20:49

Mumbar - I would have done the same with my 6 year old ds in this situation. YANBU from what you have explained throughout the thread.

Glitterknickaz · 09/01/2011 20:54

lights were off and there was hot coffee.... if he couldn't sit still then quite right to send him to bed

Original poster

mumbar · 09/01/2011 20:56

Thanks ready I was willing accept I was BU - thats why I asked. But it appears all those with 6yo's are getting the same behaviours and would do the same. I'll have to accept its a phase thing and 'it will pass' hopefully

OP posts:

CoonRapids · 09/01/2011 21:02

Ah good luck mumbar. Know how you feel btw! I have a 6.5 yr old DS and sometimes it feels like my world revolves around him.. and sometimes he's just not very nice! Half the time when I ask him to do things, he's too busy on the DSi and doesn't even appear to register that I'm there. It's all very annoying. He's lovely underneath but it is tough going.

RevoltingPeasant · 09/01/2011 21:04

Mumbar, I am not a mum (yet) so this might not be helpful, but you seem to be saying that 'Well, I allowed him x privilege, but then he behaved badly in y way'.

When you are giving him privileges do you spell out that they are treats? Like, 'You can have Jonny over but remember, you need to be a good boy and go to bed on time tonight.' If 6yos do have a strong sense of justice then that ought to give you sth to refer back to?

Also do you give him warnings? My SIL does this and it works very well. Was he taken by surprise when you whisked him off to bed?

The thing about not needing to do what you say... My mum would've had a short answer to that and it would've involved the phrase 'because I'm your mother!'

whoknowswhatthefutureholds · 09/01/2011 21:07

I would also do some form of mild punishment for consitant non-compliance.

lizandlulu · 09/01/2011 21:07

mumbar i think you are really lucky to have a dc who will go to bed when told to and stay there my dd is 5 and is pushing all of my buttons just lately and yes i can sometimes be mean and react wrongly to something she has some, but we are only human. she too will completly ignore people who are talking to her. she definatly has selective hearing, mostly towards my mum and dad and me obviously!

i keep repeating to myself 'its only a phase, this will pass'

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