AIBU to worry about the impact of (D)H's mental health issues on DD?

[NomNomNom]

Hi,

I'd really appreciate some advice. The backstory is this:

DH moved out a few months ago because it turns out he is a sex addict (porn, webcam, escorts, afaik). He's on antidepressants and doing weekly counselling. He apparently can't remember most of what he did (though he is adamant he didn't actually meet any escorts) due to dissociation caused by me being ill (high stress situation for him).

Supposedly this all happened because he was sexually abused as a child by someone from outside his family, he was also emotionally and physically abused by his parents.

So far so rubbish.

He says he has stopped all sex-related internet activities.

We have a DD who is now just under 2 years old. Initially I let him see her under my supervision almost every day, and a while after he moved out I started letting him see her unsupervised. I saw a solicitor for advice on contact arrangements and started my own counselling, so this decision wasn't taken lightly.

Just before Christmas his GP changed his medication to antipsychotics. Since then his moods have become more extreme, I'd say. Since he moved out he has quite regularly burst into tears, crying very loudly. But since he started on the new medication he also seems to have what I would describe as manic episodes because that is what it seems like. He seems quite hectic and more reckless (tells me about his fast driving when he's alone etc.), also more obsessive (eg spending hours looking for stuff). It's hard to describe, but I don't get through to him when he's like that (or ever, really) and I don't trust him, or believe what he tells me. His crying now seems to distress DD, she gets very worried and is very clingy for the rest of the day afterwards. In addition, I don't trust him to have enough self-awareness to make sure she is safe when he looks after her on his own, not make stupid decisions etc.

The other day DD and I were at his place, and I saw some lubricant, it wasn't hidden as it jumped straight out at me within seconds of walking in. Now this happened before and he explained that his medication was making it difficult to climax during masturbation, so he used lube to make it less painful to go at it for extended periods of time. He also has condoms, he explained for the same reason. But he is now on different medication. The lube I found a few days ago was flavoured, he said that's because it was the cheapest in the shop. Fine. I understand that. (But I think it's all a bit dodgy.)

But it really upsets me that he would leave that stuff lying around because, after all, our relationship is over because of his sex issues, so I don't want to be confronted with it all over again. Plus, to be really honest, I find it actually disgusting that he would be that desperate to get off that he would inflict pain on himself in the process. But that might be my own issues, I don't know. He thinks it's completely fine to have that stuff lying around and I'm unreasonable.

However, I'm not sure if having lube in plain view in the sitting room where he spends time with DD is appropriate and it makes me question her safety. Is this an overreaction? His whole attitude to sex just seems twisted and unhealthy to me. (I don't think I'm a prude, but I find his obsession disgusting.) Is there any risk to DD?

Possible diagnoses mentioned by his GP and counsellor (according to H) are bi-polar, borderline personality disorder, dissociation/being on the schizophrenic spectrum, OCD, sex addiction.

What I would really like some advice on is who to contact to find out about the impact of his mental health problems on DD. I desperately want to make sure she is safe, and I know it is important for her to have a good relationship with her dad. But where is the line? Who would be able to advise me on this?

The other question is - am I overreacting and letting my own feelings regarding his sex obsession and his personality in general get in the way?

The problem is that he is very sure of himself and just gets angry when I want to discuss this with him.

This is very long, sorry. It's a horrible situation and I'm beginning to lose sight of what's normal.

well my ex also has bpd AND a sex addiction,so your post rings a bell or 2

he would,imo need supervised access.

but we went to court and my ex got none (other issues here too,violence,controlling etc)

CAFCASS were very good and he had a psych asessment which diagnosed him properly

Wow, OP. Not sure anybody but a professional psychiatrist could really give sound advice.

But I will say this: my DF almost certainly has undiagnosed MH issues. A psychologist once told him he had bipolar traits (he refused to get properly assessed) and my DM reckons he is on the autistic spectrum. No idea myself, but he is very OCD, has extreme and often childishly inappropriate emotional reactions, gets very stressed, and sometimes engages in bizarre 'ritualistic' behaviour. He will never admit there is anything wrong with him but the years of living with the total uncertainty of what he was going to be like every time he walked in the door, the random rants and embarrassments in public (etc etc etc etc) have really left a mark on me and my DSis's.

(Can you tell?? )

But I would say: if your DD is manifesting distress at his behaviour, listen. We had a homelife of frequent (weekly) screaming matches and dressings-down. It was normal for us to be sobbing in the face our dad's freaking out over something inexplicable or really minor. I'd say, don't do that to your DD.

I dont think what he does to himself or how he is when he is alone will affect your daughter.

However, his meds clearly are not working.

Antipsychotics stop the manic episodes of riding up and down, however, they would not stop the urges, or depression.

He would need a combination of pills.

Personally if I were you I would go back to supervised visits at your house only at a time and day to suit you until he is more stable.

he clearly is not stable.

Some can be addicted to sex and he would need psycho therapy sexual counselling for that over a long period of time, you would then see a significant change in his behaviour.

Sorry just realised how self-centred my post was And not terribly helpful!!

I'd say don't cut off contact, but do realise that some type of mediation/ supervision is appropriate.

I'd be less worried about the visible lube, tbh, DD will have no idea what it's for and unless when she's older he's going to start explaining in detail, no biggie, I don't think.

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable. I'd say have supervised contact ONLY until he is more stable. If he can barely look after himself then how on earth can he look after DD?

I think you're mad to agree to anything else, especially if he's driving weirdly, etc. In your shoes I'd guess you don't even know everything that goes on in his home. You only know what his GP and counsellor are saying as filtered by him.

What support systems are in place for the families of those with MH issues? This really is very serious, it's a child protection issue IMVHO. He has barely started dealing with the abuse he suffered himself, from the sounds of it. She won't remember any of what's going on now, but children don't like people who are unpredictable.

I'd veer towards extreme caution until he actually has some kind of diagnosis and medication that is doing the job of keeping him stable. Whatever he's doing now sexually is his business, the issue here is - is he capable of caring for a toddler alone? Is he behaving appropriately with her? And is she getting anything out of it? (It's not just about his rights..)

I think you already know the answers. You are her only stable parent at the moment. I'm aghast that his GP isn't doing more - I'm wondering if he/she even has a full grasp of what's really going on. How come the local mental health team aren't involved? Or are they?

And no, I don't think you're letting your feelings about the state of your relationship with him overshadow things. I don't think he should have sexual aids sitting on full view in the public bit of his home, especially when he clearly knew you were coming.

And the potential diagnoses he mentions are very hardcore. Until there's more professional input, support and info for you, steer clear. I wouldn't take his word for it, either (because of his emotional involvement with you and DD). Get the word on it from a professional. Don't know what the key support for you would be, but could you not enquire at the GP surgery? Til then, I'd actually keep DD away from him.

Sorry if this all sounds alarmist (I usually try to write things more moderately) but my DD's about the same age as yours, and I wouldn't let her anywhere near someone like that, father or no. Safety first. By all means, stay in contact with him and keep him up to speed on how she is, etc.

Thank you. It's difficult to explain the whole situation in one post as that would probably be several metres long!

I get that you're all saying supervised contact is probably best. It's what I think too. But I don't want to spend time with him as we argue and he takes no responsibility (like, none) for DD when I'm there. There is no suitable family member near us, and I'm not sure about contact centres. If I mentioned any of my concerns to him he would get very angry and we wouldn't get to a solution. He is a solicitor so knows how contact arrangements usually work for people.

The local mental health team isn't involved, I'm not sure why not. I don't know how much he has disclosed to his GP, but he has appointments every couple of weeks. He has been offered the option of seeing a cpn, but declined. I think he should have accepted. He is having psychosexual counselling. Agree that his meds aren't working. He thinks they are though.

I know DD wouldn't understand now what the colourful tube on daddy's bookshelf is, but I don't want his sexualised way of living to become normal to her. I just thought, is it grooming if he normalises things like that?

Until now I thought he wouldn't be able to meet DD's emotional needs (don't think people care about that particularly when it comes to court etc), but now I'm worried about her safety too.

One problem is that we have an informal contact arrangement, it's all agreed between the two of us, no solicitors, no court. So I don't think Cafcass would be able to help, would they?

I don't know what to do.

missmehalia, thank you. You are saying exactly what I'm thinking. But if I stopped him from seeing DD, he'd be at the court within the hour. He presents himself as very capable and responsible to other people, so I don't know if I'd get very far with the court, I'm desperate not to aggravate him.

I think I'll make an appointment with a solicitor again, as well as with his GP. I'll tell the GP that I know he can't tell me anything at all due to patient confidentiality, but perhaps he could advise me on my situation. Do you think that would work?

It's a really awful position that you are in.

One thing that worries me (apart from just about everything else you've written) is what would happen to your daughter if anything happened to you. This is particularly important if your ex is a solicitor.

I don't know how you could do this, and hope someone could come along with more knowledge and experience, but is there anyone you could nominate to care for her if anything happened to you? I really think she shouldn't live with her father.

Has your ex's mental health changed over the years you have known him? His reaction to the medication he's on seems very worrying. Have you thought of talking to his doctors? They only see what he presents them with in the surgery, after all.

I appreciate you are desperate not to aggravate him. He sounds very unstable and it's hard to think of him doing a really great job at work. Does he work for himself or is he employed? If he's employed, I wouldn't be surprised if he was at risk of losing his job. I don't believe he can always present himself as very capable and responsible, when he can't seem to do that with you.

Is there any way you can tape him, when he's talking to you? Just to have some evidence of the way he's behaving. I assume he's telling you about driving fast, rather than you seeing him, so a recording of him saying these things would be very helpful, both legally and medically.

You must feel very alone with this problem. I hope you have friends you can rely on in RL.

I'd start there, good call. But also the solicitor thing regarding contact is just essential. Don't worry about pissing him off too much. I don't mean have an argument, but I really don't think he can demonstrate that he's of sound mind. And therefore the responsibility is yours until you know he's got full grasp of stable and positive mental health.

You could ask your solicitor how to arrange contact supervised by a third party. If you can't face supervising it yourself in an informal way (though it sounds like he has been accepting of this so far) then it may be vital to find out more about contact centres with a serious view to using them as an interim step.

Don't let his temper rule the show, too bad if he doesn't like it. He's going to have to think of DD rather than just himself.. Is he still at work FT? Blimey, glad he's not my solicitor. I can't believe his employers haven't noticed anything? I guess you wouldn't know. Sounds like you're scared/intimidated by the fact he can put up a front with most people. Well, perhaps he's in a bit of denial about how serious the situation may be (hence him skirting around agreeding to more professional input).

If contact happens in a contact centre until his health issues are addresed fully, she'll be safe, you can distance yourself a bit more, and he'll be under less pressure to take on responbility for a toddler whilst in this state.

Sorry for shocking spelling, am just so stunned by this one.

And v much hope you've got A1 support for you, Nom, you really deserve it!

Look - I have limited knowledge of the bottom line ins and outs of this but everything in your OP is screaming to NEVER leave DD alone with him again unless you are comfortable with the whole thing becoming a Daily Mail headline. He is clearly unstable and incapable of rational thought and indeed may be prone to completely irrational thought. Forget the lube - you have MUCH more immediate issues here to deal with. Good luck.

Thank you, it's really good to hear that I might not be that unreasonable to be worried.

If something were to happen to me, my DD would automatically live with her dad, not much I can do about that as I understand it because we both have PR. I will look into it though, but I think I can't do anything about that.

I would say his mental health has changed over the years, it has deteriorated noticeably since he moved out. He says it's always been like this and he just hid it better before, whereas now he doesn't have his escape (ie sex addiction) to fall back on anymore and has to face his issues, which is hard. I don't know if this is the truth.

I'm not too sure about talking to his doctor anymore. We had another attempt at a discussion tonight during which I mentioned that I'd find it really helpful to talk to someone professional who could tell me what's going on with him, and he said straightaway that his GP wouldn't tell me anything even if he gave permission. I think there are rules in place that prevent his GP from telling me anything. I wouldn't want to go along to an appointment either as I don't want to come across as the nagging wife.

I don't think he always does a great job at work, he has a LOT of time off at the moment. He is employed and his boss is aware of what's going on (supposedly).

I'll look into recording him, it's an interesting idea. Not sure how I'd start recording in the situation without him noticing.

I haven't really got a lot of support from myself, no. I go to counselling, which is massively helpful. Had some time off over Christmas and I feel a lot worse than when I go regularly. Haven't really got many friends, and the one friend who's been most helpful now seems to be getting fed up with my constant complaining about H. Understandable really, she's sort of a joint friend together with her DP. It's just getting a bit much at the moment to keep it all in, and I'm still adjusting to not being able to go to H for a cuddle when I feel rubbish. Pathetic really.

my post got lost i think!

you can get an asessment of his mental health through court

i let it go to court,section 7 report,cafcass involvement resulted in a forensic psychiatric asessment (where his med records were included for me to see). he got zero contact in the end

took 2 years in court

It must be so difficult for you, it's so hard to know what the best thing to do is for everyone. My brother had serious mental health problems, so a very different relationship, but I do know how frightening and unpredictable outbursts can be. I'd say if your dd is getting upset by him it's definitely not good for her to be alone with him, just so she doesn't feel scared and it won't do any good for their relationship for her to feel like that. With the break up he's prob at his lowest now but hopefully with the right medicine counselling and time he can get more stable.
One characteristic I've noticed about mental illness is how self- absorbing it is for the sufferer, their turmoil means that everything revolves around them and they perceive all happenings as somehow purposefully done to just impact on them or have an over inflated idea of the power they have over others and can blame themselves for everything. I'm saying this because you might get him more on side if you say everything about your dd not in terms of what's best for her but what's best for him. Maybe suggest it would be best for him to have some time to get to feel better without seeing her so he doesn't get stressed etc. I'm sure you've done this, I suppose I just wanted to sat something as I really feel for you.

ILoveTIFFANY , I read some of your posts on other threads, I'm glad you got everything sorted out so your children are definitely safe, that must be such a relief. H isn't at all physically abusive, violent or physically threatening, so I'm not sure I'd involve the court system unless he made it go that way, it all seems very scary and he'd know how to do things so he gets what he wants.

corriefan , thank you. That's a good idea about wording things in terms of what's best for him. I've got a feeling he'd call me patronising, but it's worth a try. I do think it would actually be better for him as well to see DD less, less pressure and responsibility. What you described is exactly what H does - it does all revolve around him: everything I say sounds like criticism to him, he's not far away from apologising for making it rain!

the psych asessment i had done was for the mental health issues as his violence is directed at adults and not children,so not really given much credence. it was the mental health issues i wanted to get to bottom of. it threw up alot of other stuff tho (abuse in childhood etc)

a2lso,contact centres,they arent meant for permanent supervised contact,just as a way of moving on to unsupervised.

maybe indirect contact?

I believe you should trust your gut instinct and keep to supervised time only. And incidentally he could have one or many of those diagnoses they are not mutually exclusive.

OP, listen and trust your instincts - and don't let someone with a severe mental health issues and a sex addict tell you otherwise! Had similiar problem with ds's dad, also a sex addict (also similiar childhood background) who on one hand knew he had a problem, on the other, tried to normalise it. I did not allow unsupervised contact and refused to let ds go to his house because I didn't want ds to go opening a draw full of porn or whatever. Luckily for us he buggered off completely in the end anyway. Re the lube...wouldn't you just put it away if your daughter was in the room, just out of respect, just cos it doesn't feel right? Do you have your vibrator on show for your dc to see? Oh and addicts do LIE. Just because he says he has stopped all sex based internet activities, it's not necessarily true and even if it is, it may true for a few days until he is feeling overly stressed again. I've heard it all before with my ex.

He does have some serious mental health issues and this always has some impact on nearest and dearest. It can take a while to find the right combination of meds to work and until then, your duty and instinct is to protect your dd, don't lose sight of that because of guilt or feeling like you are being unreasonable. Her safety and happiness are paramount as of course you already know. Of course you are NBU to be worried. Father or not, he has some serious issues and your dd doesn't need to fall victim to any of it.

I also think contact centres is the way forward. That way your dd is safe and overlooked, and YOU don't have to endure the regular stress of having to see and talk to him. You need to look after yourself, this must be very daunting and stressful for you. Good luck and just know that one day your life will not need to revolve around this!

If he were to go to court about this, you do have quite a bit of comeback. He's got a lot at stake, and it would be a very high risk strategy (though I'd check this out with your solicitor to see what the likely scenarios would be.)

As for evidence to support your case.. well, as you said, he's having a lot of time off work. And he has moved out of the family home. He is on antipsychotic medication which hasn't really improved things. (Would help if you had the name of it?) Surely under these circumstances, the onus would be on him to prove his stability and suitability? I really don't know, but there is more evidence here than you may realise.

I really hope you get the support with this situation you obviously need, it sounds horrendous.

I have been in your situation, posting as Tartyhighheels and am still in court process now - we are having a finding if fact about his violence in June so I think nothing will happen again until after that - I recognise all the behaviours you talk about and I would say follow your gut and do no let him be with her alone. I ignored my gut for fear of reprisal for a while and put my DDs in harms way.

I think you are right to be concerned.

I don't have a problem at all with the masturbation (have a friend who is on medication and can't orgasm because of it and it is extremely frustrating for them) but don't think he should be leaving the lube hanging around. That's not appropriate and should be locked in a bedside cabinet or something so your DD can't get her hands on it. It is though probably the last thing on his mind as he has SO much other stuff going on.

Don't have much ex of this situation but I do think perhaps contacting SS might help. They have people who assess those with mental health and I can't really think who else you can ask for advice? Is there a charity or something?

I think you are right to be concerned about your DD being upset after seeing her dad like that. It also sounds like he might not be able to focus on her care (as you say that he looks for things for hours and hours) which makes me wonder if she is left to her own devices.

I feel sorry for you ex but you both have to put DDs needs first. Perhaps suggest to him that he has supervised contact until he is more stable and tell him that you DON'T think the medication is working. I know you don't want an argument with him but don't know what else to suggest.

Maybe write a letter to his DR saying what you have witnessed about you exs behaviour. That way he isn't disclosing anything confidential to you but will be made aware of how bad things are. DRs only know what their patients tell them after all.

You can phone his GP and tell him your concerns, but his GP cannot tell you about his medical details. However, it's still worth doing. I did it last summer with a friend who is bipolar. We were all very worried about her as she was so erratic and a GP I worked with advised me to do it.

He said that they often see people they have concerns about, but with no wider context about what is going on. However, the more information they have, the more decisions they can make IYSWIM.

Also I would suggest phoning the NSPCC helpline or filling in the anonymous contact form on their website. They can be really supportive and also can make referrals to social services etc. I'm not saying your DD is necessarily at risk, but they could help you talk it through.

Talk to him about it too. You might not really want social services involved with your daughter. In some bad cases the chidl is taken away from both parents. Just be very careful before you take this family into the ss net.