AIBU to worry about the impact of (D)H's mental health issues on DD?

[NomNomNom]

Hi,

I'd really appreciate some advice. The backstory is this:

DH moved out a few months ago because it turns out he is a sex addict (porn, webcam, escorts, afaik). He's on antidepressants and doing weekly counselling. He apparently can't remember most of what he did (though he is adamant he didn't actually meet any escorts) due to dissociation caused by me being ill (high stress situation for him).

Supposedly this all happened because he was sexually abused as a child by someone from outside his family, he was also emotionally and physically abused by his parents.

So far so rubbish.

He says he has stopped all sex-related internet activities.

We have a DD who is now just under 2 years old. Initially I let him see her under my supervision almost every day, and a while after he moved out I started letting him see her unsupervised. I saw a solicitor for advice on contact arrangements and started my own counselling, so this decision wasn't taken lightly.

Just before Christmas his GP changed his medication to antipsychotics. Since then his moods have become more extreme, I'd say. Since he moved out he has quite regularly burst into tears, crying very loudly. But since he started on the new medication he also seems to have what I would describe as manic episodes because that is what it seems like. He seems quite hectic and more reckless (tells me about his fast driving when he's alone etc.), also more obsessive (eg spending hours looking for stuff). It's hard to describe, but I don't get through to him when he's like that (or ever, really) and I don't trust him, or believe what he tells me. His crying now seems to distress DD, she gets very worried and is very clingy for the rest of the day afterwards. In addition, I don't trust him to have enough self-awareness to make sure she is safe when he looks after her on his own, not make stupid decisions etc.

The other day DD and I were at his place, and I saw some lubricant, it wasn't hidden as it jumped straight out at me within seconds of walking in. Now this happened before and he explained that his medication was making it difficult to climax during masturbation, so he used lube to make it less painful to go at it for extended periods of time. He also has condoms, he explained for the same reason. But he is now on different medication. The lube I found a few days ago was flavoured, he said that's because it was the cheapest in the shop. Fine. I understand that. (But I think it's all a bit dodgy.)

But it really upsets me that he would leave that stuff lying around because, after all, our relationship is over because of his sex issues, so I don't want to be confronted with it all over again. Plus, to be really honest, I find it actually disgusting that he would be that desperate to get off that he would inflict pain on himself in the process. But that might be my own issues, I don't know. He thinks it's completely fine to have that stuff lying around and I'm unreasonable.

However, I'm not sure if having lube in plain view in the sitting room where he spends time with DD is appropriate and it makes me question her safety. Is this an overreaction? His whole attitude to sex just seems twisted and unhealthy to me. (I don't think I'm a prude, but I find his obsession disgusting.) Is there any risk to DD?

Possible diagnoses mentioned by his GP and counsellor (according to H) are bi-polar, borderline personality disorder, dissociation/being on the schizophrenic spectrum, OCD, sex addiction.

What I would really like some advice on is who to contact to find out about the impact of his mental health problems on DD. I desperately want to make sure she is safe, and I know it is important for her to have a good relationship with her dad. But where is the line? Who would be able to advise me on this?

The other question is - am I overreacting and letting my own feelings regarding his sex obsession and his personality in general get in the way?

The problem is that he is very sure of himself and just gets angry when I want to discuss this with him.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, it's so good to have some more ideas.

The most recent time I talked to H about my concerns he said if I was really worried, I should have contacted social services already. I am worried about the power ss have, but I'm also worried that if I don't do anything now, it'll reflect badly on me if I do something in the future - I don't want to come across as the vindictive ex-wife.

Will give NSPCC a ring I think.

your local CAMS team should be able to help with DD speak to your HV for a refferal, you can never be too careful with LO's at any age. the emotional instability could be damaging for her. I have a 7 year old DSD, she came to live with us when she was 5 because her mother had Bi-polar, and she now suffers from an attachment disorder because of it, and even now, she struggles with things like, appropriate affection towards visitors, friendships, strangers, authority figures, celebrities really odd stuff like, recollection. the list goes on, and bless her she's a lovely girl, but emotionally is hard work. As your LO is living with you, she should be fine, but dont take the chance!

Good Luck xx

oh btw, Social services are a waste of time, you'll be lucky if you can get them to listen to you, never mind help you! in the 2.5 years since DSD moved in with us we've seen a social worker once!

At least if you do it, and you make a note of when/who you spoke to, etc then you'll be able to evidence the fact that you did it. This may be important later on. I know ss have a bad reputation, but tbh, you've got nothing to hide from them. You are a stable and responsible parent who is taking very good care of your DD, and your concern is whether absent parent is capable of caring for her single-handed.

I don't think you should take what H is saying very seriously other than noting it down somewhere.

In your shoes, I'd
a. go and see his GP and tell him/her about your concerns. This will give them a wider picture that they maybe don't have. And while you're there, ask about what community services are available to you under the circumstances, as you feel it's no longer appropriate for him to be alone with DD (there'll probably be nothing, but I think it's important to be SEEN exploring every avenue for support);
b.find the local contact centre and get more info about setting up an interim arrangement for contact
c. Contact the cpn and put your concerns to him/her in writing - they'll probably say they need a GP referral, hence starting with the GP.;
d. Make notes on all of this now, dated and timed, with names of who you spoke to, etc. Again, because you might need it later.

(TBH, I do wonder about the GP - fancy changing H's medication to antipsychotics just before Christmas when support services would be minimal in case it all went tits up. Isn't that a bit irresponsible?) ATM, H has everything on a string - he chooses to drop in to the GP once a fortnight, he chooses a counsellor. He's keeping all professional input at arm's length. He may very well be a bit scared. The care he actually needs is one issue. Whether he is able to care for his daughter is the primary issue, though they are interlinked.