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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if you're going to update your fb status during labour..

107 replies

judgeypantaloons · 09/01/2011 10:24

you should try not to be too vague?

A work colleague was induced early yesterday morning. About an hour ago, she posted her first post in labour: she "feels like she is in someone else's bad dream".

Having close family experience of stillbirth, I felt absolutely sick to read this. I don't know her that well, but had this awful sinking feeling.

Cue a lot of comments from her other fb friends clearly indicating worry e.g. "thinking of you", "hope you are safe and well","hope all is okay?" etc

10 minutes ago, update from her husband: "Good luck love, I'm off home, have left you money for the taxi, no need to get cash out".

a) Ill-advised to discuss labour like this
b) Husband is a twat.

AIBU?
So I am assuming that no catastrophe has occurred.

It all seems horrendous to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
judgeypantaloons · 09/01/2011 10:46

I am very Hmm that someone who is being induced and is in pain can update on fb. Unless you all had entirely different inductions to me.

She is not a regular poster, she has only posted twice in a year.

I think it will have made people worry about her. I don't really know her, it made me worry.

I am not saying the girl should be hanged, merely that it's a bit weird and icky and I wondered did others think the same.

Obviously a LOT of people are into this public sharing of intimate information in vague ways, so I have my answer.

OP posts:
TandB · 09/01/2011 10:46

The vagueness wouldn't particularly bother me. Mainly because I would have hidden her updates as soon as they started. We had some friends who kept everyone updated via facebook with minute by minute updates and made comments to the effect that they thought everyone was sitting glued to their computers waiting for the outcome. There were various comments in response to the early updates. By the time the baby's arrival was actually announced no-one commented as everyone was bored out of their minds and had clearly hidden them.

The most embarrassing thing about it was that, among the updates, there were various comments about "not knowing what all the fuss was about" and "no drugs for me" and "this is what we were designed to do". It ended in an emergency C-section which she was terribly upset about and she finished up enduring all sorts of comments from people about how easy her labour had been etc etc. It was a real shame and could have been a bit less of a big issue for her if she had just kept the labour process a bit more private.

Newgolddream · 09/01/2011 10:47

"My concern was that the status update read as though something might be wrong with the baby" - Im interested in how you came to this conclusion as I didnt read it like this at all - to me it just sounded as if she was having a tough time, as labour generally is.

Im really not sure what made you think something was wrong with the baby???Confused

FB is not for everyone, I think the DHs comment is just his sense of humour - and why shouldnt spouses comment on each others statuses - my DH and I do it all the time.

Im not trying to inflame as I realise we all think different Im just interested in what exactly made you think somethign was going wrong?

Original poster
judgeypantaloons · 09/01/2011 10:47

How on God's earth were you able to text if you were in pain? Confused If you had an epi or good pain relief, yes.. but in pain?

OP posts:
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 09/01/2011 10:49

if she is in pain and her husband has left she may feel like ranting. not post on fb? it doesn't affect her labour, if she is able to do it, why not?

and yes, all labours are different, didn't you know?

mutznutz · 09/01/2011 10:50

Bloody hell please tell me people don't actually update their FB status when they're in labour? Confused

Newgolddream · 09/01/2011 10:50

I do however hate the statuses that are just 1 or 2 words and dont explain what its about - inviting people to show concern, I ended up blocking out a big culprit of this after a status like "arrrrgghhh" that sort of thing - and then when someone asks whats wrong, they would be cryptic and say somethign about private mkessaging them - why not do that in the first palace!!!

spanky2 · 09/01/2011 10:52

I don't get fb at all. Why post lots of detail about your life on the internet? Surely the birth of your child is a private family time? There was that poor lady who commited suicide and announced it on fb and some 'friends' made comments like she always threatens this e.t.c. Only one woman in america said has anyone checked on her? So it seems that fb friends aren't really friends at all.

Original poster
judgeypantaloons · 09/01/2011 10:52

I don't think there is a "way" in which fb works. My mum and dad are on it and use it in an entirely different way to younger cousins.

I suppose I thought something had gone wrong because a) it has been more than 24 hours since she got a drip and b) I really didn't think someone would be able to update if in pain, which reflects my own induction experience, I can see. I assumed it was all over and the status update really worried me in the general way it would if you heard of anyone experiencing issues with birth. There isn't a hope in hell I could have or would have wanted to update and I don't say this as some pain martyr, I just really wouldn't have thought it was any different for anyone else. I would have thought that either you were managing or that you were in pain iyswim. And if you were in induction-type pain, you would not be bothered or even physically very able to share that pain on fb.

OP posts:
Original poster
judgeypantaloons · 09/01/2011 10:54

I know labours are different ffs but if the pain is so bad that she feels like she's in someone else's bad dream, I don't see that as being compatible with posting on sodding fb.

It's not a bad description after the event but Christ I wouldn't have been able to post during it. So that led me to worry. Is that really so unbelievable?

OP posts:
onmyfeet · 09/01/2011 10:55

"Bad dream" does make it sound like things are possibly spinning out of control, I can see why people are concerned. I think her dh would have been thoughtful to post a message directed at all the replies she received updating that things are going ok or something. But if he is joking around (?) things must be ok. :)

Hulababy · 09/01/2011 10:56

My induction took 50 hours. In the first two days I had moments of intense pain bu on the whole it was a lot of time hanging around and without dh there as on allowed t visitng times when on ward.

It was pre fb days but these days had I had my phone, an in many hospitals you can now, I'd have probably posted.

I'd have not been likely in last hours as pain was immense and then was in theatre for cs, but prior to that I may well have and would prob have described the pain in pretty negative ways too.

onmyfeet · 09/01/2011 10:56

I felt like it was a bad dream when I began bleeding and was being prepped for a cs. I wasn't in pain, as had had an epidural already.
(didn't have a cs in the end, ds was born 11 minutes before I was going to have it)

onmyfeet · 09/01/2011 10:58

(Bad dream as being scared baby was in trouble, as his heartbeat was causing concern.)

Stangirl · 09/01/2011 10:59

OP - I understand where you are coming from but I do think you are BU. If my friend wanted to put vague updates on fb when she was in labour tto help her through it then that would be up to her and I wouldn't judge nor let it worry me. If my DP had put that update on fb when I was giving birth I would have thought it hilarious and once birth was over would have replied "Thanks for the cash - have run off with handsome consultant."...but perhaps that's us.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 09/01/2011 10:59

when i was induced, the contractions were unbearable, but there were breaks in contractions and i was able to chat with EXP and midwife and text.

smellmycheese · 09/01/2011 11:02

I can see why you would have been a bit worried, but in fairness to her, i think she's hit the nail on the head.

That's exactly how i felt when I was induced. Plus, with the addition of gas and air, yes it does feel like a fuzzy bad dream in those earlier stages.

Still, between contractions, drips, injections and midwives shoving their hands up my fanjo, there were dull moments when I could have been capable of updating fb. i wouldn't have, but some people do communicate with family etc that way.

I believe that no woman should ever be held accountable for anything she does during labour, however odd!

Original poster
judgeypantaloons · 09/01/2011 11:04

Kungfupanda, I suppose this is what I mean by "ill-advised" too. I know in the early stages of labour I probably shared some of your friend's thoughts and was all "I am woman hear me roar" about it. My first birth ended quite traumatically and I was quite sad after it when I remembered that early exhilaration, in a weird kind of way.. the innocence of it.

I think perhaps I am quite superstitious in general about posting in labour, for good or for bad.. maybe because I know that the unthinkable can happen and I wouldn't want a whole load of "I can't bear it" or "this is so easy" comments to look back on.

But that is just me, I see that.

Onmyfeet, I had a similar experience though did go on to have c/s. I can't imagine posting at the point they told me that they were prepping me though.. I remember just crying a lot and feeling totally out of it.

Perhaps my reaction does relate to my own experiences. It just made me feel a bit ill to read it. I suppose now that it seems that all is well, it makes me worry that it hasn't even reached the end yet.. that it is maybe not as bad as it will yet be. So the juxtaposition of her being in pain and the husband being all larky irritated me.. like it's being flippant about something that can just change to something quite frightening in a heartbeat.

Perhaps I am being unreasonable to judge them, but I do still think it's ill-advised to share this kind of detail via fb. Text is very different as it can be targeted to people you know have some sort of interest in you, but we all have "friends" on fb that are not really friends and who may interpret what we are saying in individual ways (as I have done). Birth is too private and risky an experience from my POV...

OP posts:
theevildead2 · 09/01/2011 11:06

I know what you mean OP,

either don't report at all (why woudl you, surely you have other things to worry about??)

Or don't let people worry about you, and if people are worried the husband could have posted something of use.

A friend of mine posted a very similar status update to your friends last year when she had her miscarriage so I would have been worried too

Bumperlicious · 09/01/2011 11:16

Well, it's a bit melodramatic and cryptic so I can understand why it is disturbing. It's a bit weird, though I was posted on mumsnet throughout my home birth! Doesn't feel so weird though as people don't know me. I didn't want rl people knowing I was in labour as I didn't want people 'imagining' it iykwim?

Dh has just joined fb and his (grown up) niece posts things like 'How can it be possible to feel so happy yet sad at the same time?', cue lots of awww hun, what's up? Bleughh!

Adversecamber · 09/01/2011 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usualsuspect · 09/01/2011 11:45

Plenty of people have labour threads on MN

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/01/2011 11:51

OP - I get you. I would assume that something had gone wrong from such a cryptic update. Better to say nothing IMO.

Cannot understand why the hell people are on FB or texting from in hospital while in labour though - surely the world can survive without your input for a couple of days while you have your baby?

Posting on here while in early stages of labour is different - longer gaps between contractions, stop/start etc.
And very often once things get going it is the odd post from a DH or DP.

usualsuspect · 09/01/2011 11:53

I don't think its any different just a different website ..

SkyBluePearl · 09/01/2011 12:04

feels like she is in someone else's bad dream

i can't seethe probem with posting this - as this is how even a straight forward labour feels tome.

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