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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

never to have felt the need for mummy friends

37 replies

beanlet · 08/01/2011 20:41

Never got the "must go to NCT classes to make some mummy friends" thing. I have plenty of friends already, thanks. And what with a small baby and a busy career, I don't even have much time to spend with them. Besides, I'm perfectly content with my own company, thank you very much, and hanging out with DH and DS.

Am I missing something?

OP posts:

compo · 08/01/2011 20:43

You'll no doubt pick up a few friends along the way especially once nursery and school starts and you have friends to play, parties to go to

valiumredhead · 08/01/2011 20:44

I shouldn't worry about it if you are perfectly content.

mutznutz · 08/01/2011 20:44

No I feel the same and to be honest, I'm not that keen on other people's children anyway as a rule.

ssd · 08/01/2011 20:45

if you are happy the YANBU

but sometimes its nice to have folk that are going thru the same stage kids-wise as you

arentfanny · 08/01/2011 20:46

No, I am with you, we have a lot of friends with older children and just picking up ones on the way who have DC's the same age as ours along the way, if DD likes the children and we like the parents.

mamavents · 08/01/2011 20:46

YANBU at all, but you would yearn for adult interaction and to 'get out of the house' if you were a SAHM though.

Panzee · 08/01/2011 20:47

Agreed. I hated all that soft play and baby group stuff I did on maternity leave. Child didn't benefit, he was far too small and immobile to get involved. Gave up in the end and played in the house all day.

Original poster

beanlet · 08/01/2011 20:54

Glad to hear I'm not the only one. It just feels so much like school - a bunch of people with nothing in common apart from the fact they conceived around the same time, thrust together with the assumption that they will all bond and become BFFs. Hated school the first time round.

OP posts:

togarama · 08/01/2011 20:58

YANBU. But I am admittedly introverted and unsociable. I have a strong group of long-term friends and pick up others occasionally along the way, but never felt the need to specifically seek out other people with children.

1percentawake · 08/01/2011 21:00

YANBU

Finding good mummy friends is hard. I would love to make more 'proper' friends but find we usually only have the kids in common.

bibbitybobbityhat · 08/01/2011 21:01

Sahms probably have a greater need for Mum friends. Otherwise where else do you get to have a conversation with a grown up?

When I was working I spent hours and hours in the company of people I wouldn't have sought out as friends, but at least I could shoot the breeze/discuss the price of fish with them.

monkeyflippers · 08/01/2011 21:03

"It just feels so much like school - a bunch of people with nothing in common apart from the fact they conceived around the same time, thrust together with the assumption that they will all bond and become BFFs. Hated school the first time round."

It's not like that at all (in my experience), instead it is a chance for adult interaction and support from other women going through whatever difficult (colic etc) stages you are going through at the time. Personally I had a very rough time for reasons I won't go into and it was invaluable.

My SIL hates that sort of thing as well and said that every time she went all the other mums were cliquey (sp?) and wouldn't talk to her. After having the chance to observe I've discovered that it's actually because she walks into every room with a chip on her shoulder and gives everyone dirty looks and is unable to strike up and keep going conversation. Some people just don't like meeting new people (and so stay friends with the same few for years and years) . . . I love it!

Vallhala · 08/01/2011 21:05

YANBU. Like mutznutz (got it right this tine :o ) I'm not too keen on other people's children. I was always quite content with the friends I had pre-DC and those I made away from child-related areas.

TattyDevine · 08/01/2011 21:05

YANBU to not want them if you feel you dont need them, and if you "have plenty already" and "have a busy career" there are 2 reasons why you dont need them.

Whilst I had plenty of friends before having children, they were all London-based. We moved to a more rural location just over an hour out of London when we had our first so it was a case of find some "local" friends (mummy or otherwise!) or possibly end up feeling lonely and isolated.

Also, if your existing friends are child-free, it can be an eye opener how little you end up meeting once having kids. The intention may be there and you may still be friends, but things often do change unless they are in the same boat, and it can be from either or both sides.

Its lovely for the children to have socialisation before they get to the preschool age. My son is now at preschool yet he has a solid steady group of friends he has known since he was born.

I have made some incredibly good friends through my NCT group. Suddenly I knew people in the town I lived! I have gone on to find more through them (and other places) and I really am starting to feel part of the community.

If you didn't have any of these issues its understandable that you dont seek this type of company so YANBU

mazzystartled · 08/01/2011 21:07

Well no-one should feel compelled to make new friends.

But for me some of the parents (not just the mothers) that I met in antenatal classes were a lifeline and a sanity saver. And as my career - and DH's- are somewhat niche, it's been fun to meet great people who do other sorts of interesting things, who we'd never come across in any other way. So yes, you might missing something, but you're not being unreasonable.

monkeyflippers · 08/01/2011 21:08

Also, I think it is good to meet people that are "a bunch of people with nothing in common apart from the fact they conceived around the same time" as it introduces you to people from different walks of life which I think can only be a good thing. I've met all sorts of people that I wouldn't have otherwise and I think that is great. Otherwise you will have a few friends from school and a few who maybe work in the same area (all accountants etc) as you and that's just boring. I think people can be afraid of the different but it is that which makes life interesting.

mazzystartled · 08/01/2011 21:08

And it's been bugger all like school. BTW

whoknowswhatthefutureholds · 08/01/2011 21:10

YANBU its up to you, but I've found loads of advantages from it:

I've got friends who will help out to look after the DC and we do them (your childless friends will soon run out of offering)

I've made some great friends who will understand where I am coming from when stressed out about some mundane childraising point.

We go on holidays together and the kids go off and play for hours.

The DC have some really close friends outside of school that they have known forever. This means that when they are having a bad time at school they have other friends who they can be themselves with.

I also have lots of friends without kids, which has loads of benefits too!

CURLYMAMMA · 08/01/2011 21:11

Good for you OP (don't mean that sarcastically).

I have loads of friends but as I gave up my job when I had DC I needed mum friends. I hate being on my own and nobody I knew had kids. I've mingled with some dead nice people who I would never have normally befriended and learned loads from them.

So, YANBU but wonder why you posted if you are so cool with it.

monkeyflippers · 08/01/2011 21:11

You can also meet up with your mates and your children are meeting up with theirs at the same time . . . everyone is happy!

MoonUnitAlpha · 08/01/2011 21:12

YANBU, but it totally depends on what kind of person you are. I'll be friends with anyone really and get bored stiff on my own I enjoyed school too...

Vallhala · 08/01/2011 21:13

"it is a chance for adult interaction and support from other women going through whatever difficult (colic etc) stages you are going through at the time."

You see, monkey, they were the very things I was actively trying to avoid by not seeking out other mothers as friends. The last thing I wanted to do was discuss colic or whatever - I wanted non mother friends to discuss football, politics, current affairs and so on with. Then again, a lot of my friends were/are male and the female ones were those who, even if they did have children, thought and socialised as I did.

StiffyByng · 08/01/2011 21:16

YANBU if you're happy. I'm pregnant and really looking forward to meeting people who will have kids of a similar age. My husband and I live with his two kids. He had them quite young and for various reasons he and his ex never really made friends with fellow parents. It's very isolating not to have people with children as old (all our friends' children are under 5) to talk things through with-my husband constantly thinks he's a dreadful parent, and the relief of talking to people facing the same stuff we are is fantastic when it happens.

Other friends are brilliant, but the kids become such a big part of your thinking and, in my experience at least, the way you see yourself, that people who can relate to that are a lifeline. Although they need to be people you'd like anyway I think, or they get irritating too!

Librashavinganotherbiscuit · 08/01/2011 21:17

I could have written TattyDevines post word for word.

I also hate the phrase "mummy" friends. They are my friends who happen to be mums with children the same age as me, I like to think we would be friends if we didn't have children, the children just happen to be HOW we met not WHY we are friends.

monkeyflippers · 08/01/2011 21:18

Vallhala - well the baby support is only one part of it. I have plenty of friends that I have met this way and we don't spend all our time discussing baby poo! We do discuss current affairs/music/politics/books/fashion/diy and all sorts of things and then if one of us has a problem with a nursery or something we also discuss that. It doesn't have to be one of the other. You seem to have a rather one dimensional idea of what women with kids are like.

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