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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that if i want there to be a proposal...

38 replies

RueLaChesty · 08/01/2011 20:30

...that i should just bloody do it myself?

Why does it need to wait until a leap year??

DP and i have been together for 8 years and have 2 dcs. We do plan on marrying someday but dp hasn't proposed yet due to financial reasons mainly but this year is a new year, he has a new job finally and i'm back at work.

I'd like to be married before dd1 starts school so have just over 2 years and to be perfectly honest i'm fed up of being referred to as his girlfriend when i am not a girl anymore [sob]

i don't wear jewellery as i have bad exzema which is aggravated if i wear rings etc. But i know dp won't do it without a ring! He is also not the most romantic person in the world.

BUT if i do it am i taking his chance away? Will he be ridiculed by people? I am the most dominant in relationship simply as he has an inabilty to make a decision. But i don't want him to feel emasculated (is that the right word).

What do you think? AIBU?

OP posts:
PonceyMcPonce · 08/01/2011 20:33

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PonceyMcPonce · 08/01/2011 20:35

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Extremelychocolatey · 08/01/2011 20:36

Why didn't you get married before you had your dc? Did it slip your mind?

mutznutz · 08/01/2011 20:37

I agree, once you've live together and have children, is there any need to be so formal?

We just discussed it and set a date.

Boys2mam · 08/01/2011 20:38

Do what I did and mention it in a way that makes them think its their idea....

....I mentioned a holiday and "how about making it a honeymoon" - before you know it we had a date, ring and everything.

Katisha · 08/01/2011 20:39

If he has an inability to make a decision then he will never think it's the right time.

If you want it to happen then you will have to initiaate it.

Original poster
RueLaChesty · 08/01/2011 20:40

i think i'd like a big party. But if we were to be engaged there would be no party for that and we'd just start saving for the wedding.

I'd like it in 2 years time as my uncle is a missionary priest and i'd like him to perform the ceremony and he only comes home every 4 years, next visit in 2 years.

So although i don't want a huge meal etc we do have large families so it'd be fairly big knees up.

I wouldn't like to spend a lot on it as with 2 dcs i feel the money could be better spent with our current financial situation. But who knows, if we get promoted etc then yes maybe a fancier do.

But it would be within a budget that we could save for and no loans.

OP posts:
PonceyMcPonce · 08/01/2011 20:43

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Katisha · 08/01/2011 20:44

You're going to have to tell him!
Sounds like you have it all planned anyway.

Or at least hint in a way he can't possibly miss.

Original poster
RueLaChesty · 08/01/2011 20:48

sorry poncey i should have said 2 years at the latest. My uncle is quite elderly now and his next trip home might be his last as he has asked to spend his final days were he is at the moment. So if not married by then i'd like him to do it.

Extremelychocolate it didn't slip our minds, just decided to have children first.

What i really want to know is did anyone propose and it had a negative effect in that their dps felt put out? I honestly think dp might be relieved.

OP posts:
PonceyMcPonce · 08/01/2011 20:52

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Katisha · 08/01/2011 20:53

I had to ahem encourage the issue somewhat ...

We are still married 14 yrs later.

Can't you just say to him - look I;d like to get married, would you? And then let him get on with the ring etc if he wants to?

mutznutz · 08/01/2011 20:53

Why don't you just chat to him about it like you'd chat about anything else? I don't get this 'proposal' bit like you've only just met or something?

PonceyMcPonce · 08/01/2011 20:56

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MintAeroBar · 08/01/2011 20:57

Extremelychocolatey Sat 08-Jan-11 20:36:17

Why didn't you get married before you had your dc? Did it slip your mind?

Shock @ this comment. How rude! Why do you have to be married before you have children??

aurorastargazer · 08/01/2011 21:03

i think it's leap year next year rue but i agree with the others - ask him yourself - you can still make things romantic even with a budget Smile

minipie · 08/01/2011 21:03

YANBU. I wouldn't make a big dramatic gesture, just tell him you'd like to get married, ask if he feels the same way.

If he wants to do a proposal then he can do, having the conversation doesn't preclude that.

These days, I think more people decide to get married through this kind of conversation than through a "romantic proposal" as such (or if there is a proposal it's usually been preceded by that kind of conversation).

Original poster
RueLaChesty · 08/01/2011 21:10

right, i'm doing it. Not right now poncey Grin but i have a big birthday in 2 weeks and if he hasn't done it before or on then i will say 'ok so thats my 30th out the way we should really think about planning this wedding'.

It is ridiculous, i mean i don't see the point in a big proposal when we know i'd say yes! Now hopefully he doesn't say no!! :)

OP posts:
Katisha · 08/01/2011 21:13

Has he asked what you'd like for you birthday?

You could say you'd like A Ring...

You could say that even if he doesn't ask, then there's a chance he'll do it on The Day.

(Do you know what he thinks about marriage in general - he doesn't have any strong feeings that it's pointless or anything?)

PonceyMcPonce · 08/01/2011 21:16

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Actuallawyer · 08/01/2011 21:20

If he'd say no, what are you doing with him anyway? Better to know now isn't it?!

I think proposals can be nonsense engineered for the purposes of showing off to your friends. If you want to marry, then no reason why you shouldn't bring it up. I proposed on a leap year because I preferred the honest approach rather than trying to persuade my DH into it. You have an opportunity to take the pressure off him.

Original poster
RueLaChesty · 08/01/2011 21:37

katisha, he isn't against marriage. Did see it slightly pointless before dcs but has said since he'd like to do it.

He asked if i wanted a wii fit or a sat nav for my birthday!!! See, not romantic in the slightest! Grin oh i should point out i have said previously i'd like both these things so it was a good (not great) effort on his part.

Poncey he is mopping just now but once he sits down i'll broach the subject.

I'll keep you posted! Grin

OP posts:
aurorastargazer · 08/01/2011 22:18

yaaaaaaaaaay!!!

Original poster
RueLaChesty · 08/01/2011 22:55

September 2012!!!

when i sat and worked it out we'll have been together 10 years sept weekend 2012 so...

He wants to ask my dad Confused i think the two dcs already kinda said we were in it for long haul but I'll let him have his moment.

Oh and I let him think it was his idea! Grin

He said well it wasn't a very romantic proposal but I reassured him that it just wouldn't be us if it was!

I'm not allowed to tell anyone until he's asked my dad so I can tell you lot! shhhhh...

OP posts:
aurorastargazer · 08/01/2011 22:55

congratulations rue xxx