to feel a bit upset, or just an over sensitive wuss?

[fiveisanawfullybignumber]

Background, DD who's under a year has some awkward food intollerances (wheat, gluten, dairy & soy), even sensitive to what I eat, (still BF.)
Just feeling a bit unimportant to DH's family, no that's the wrong word, not bothered about is more like it, I don't need to be important IYSWIM.
It's a family member's birthday soon and I saw a one of DH's relatives coming out of supermarket with a massive trolley load for said party, said hi etc. She said she'd nothing suitable for me apart from fruit. Asked her if she wanted me to eat before the party or bring my own food?
My own family made such a lovely effort when we went round for New year it made me feel like someone gives a shit what DD and I are going through. It's been really tough but worth it to keep her pain free.
I'm not asking for my own cake or anything, but it's so easy to pick up a couple of free from buns etc, plain crisps with no flavourings (most have milk or wheat?!?)
I think it's because I would go out of my way to cater for someone coming to my house with dietary needs, or even veggie as I've always done for some of DH's family, I feel a bit crap about the lack of even a tiny bit of effort. Not once since my diet's been restricted (7m for dairy, soy & 4m for wheat and gluten) has any of them made an attempt to cater for me. There was a memorable get together before Christmas, the only things i ate were a few cherry toms and a pack of plain crisps that I had in the car. I hope to goodness DD's not going to be like this forever, or she'll end up feeling like a real pain in the bum to her dad's side of the family, I think if it get's that far I'll have to tell them to suck it up and make an effort for her!
Just feeling sorry for myself i think, give me a slap and tell me to shut up!

Sorry for such long posts - getting this out is so cathartic!

Yanbu.

We're going through a very similar thing and the thing that has made it totally bearable is everyone rallying round and making an effort for me. I didn't expect them to, but my god it was fucking wonderful that they did. They even had a vegan tea party so ds and I could join in with everything. I cried.

Hugs. Mumsnetty ones, so ha.

OP - Can I just ask for clarification? Is the restricted diet something that you are doing independently or do you have medical guidance/ diagnosis in doing this. I am thinking that possibly if it is just you telling them about allergies/ intolerances etc they may just be marking you down as a fusspot?
I made very sure that (knowing what dh's husband can be like) I spoke to HV and GP about restricting 2 dcs diet wise, and okayed the whole excluding milk/ is it an intolerance or allergy thing. Also made sure I mentioned prescription soya rather than just me buying goats milk etc.
There are so many exclusion type diets which are a cover for fussiness/ weight loss that I think people can be quite sceptical when they meet someone who 'can't' eat this etc.

grumpypants, we've seen HV, peadiatrician and dietician. DD spent the first 4m of her life constantly screaming. She also had/has gastric reflux, which is improving now she's older (only on 1 type of meds now, not the 3 she was originaly on.) I couldn't even put her down for a nap, she never went to sleep normally, she would fight and scream, even in my arms and would eventualy pass out from exhaustion.
It was another reflux mum who advised trying cutting out wheat, the difference was amazing within a few days. The dietician is great but says we should have seen her a lot sooner when the reflux meds helped a bit but didn't completely calm her down.She reacts badly to soya as well, makes her really sickly and it's quite forceful! She can hit a target on the other side of the romm after any dairy or soya!!!

How frustrating for you - obv not that then. Just wondered as somethimes people do that eye rolling thing unless yo explain how it's been validated iyswim? DS still gets cheese pizza at Nannys but luckily has more or less grown out of it. Chocolate is now the most of a trigger - hopefully your dd may improve as she gets older.

Scorpette I know you have probably said already but what is it that you can't eat? Just wondered how difficult it is for her. The lying to relatives just isn't on! You need to stick up for yourself in front of them and MAKE them understand that it isn't you.

Monkeyflippers, I am allergic to gluten and lactose-intolerant, although I can have goat's and sheep's milk products in reasonable amounts. I also have candidiasis, which means I must avoid yeast, sugar and sweeteners (yeast would actually make me iller than a bit of cow's milk). I do appreciate that this must be problematic for other people, but it's a case of things like, if MIL is making spag bol, I'll nicely ask her to save me a bit of sauce and I'll boil myself some brown rice spaghetti (which I really like the taste of)... and then she'll bring a huge pot of spag bol all ready mixed up to the table (who does that anyway?!). If she makes a salad for lunch, she'll pour dressing all over it, whereas if she left it off, I could have it. That sort of thing. If she does a roast dinner then I can join in, but she only ever makes enough veg for everyone minus me. Also, they all have huge puddings afterwards which I can't have, but she grumbles about me being greedy if I eat more than a mouse's portion (I am a shortarse who doesn't eat a lot anyway).

I certainly do make it clear to all the relatives and family friends who think I'm the one being awkward that it's not me but she refuses to cook for me. A few relatives are on my side and tell her off/make suggestions/try to boost her confidence to try new things, but it doesn't have any effect. Sadly, the rest do that face where you can tell the person is thinking 'life will be easier if I pretend I've never heard this' and continue treating me like the problem, as they obviously don't want to fall out with MIL. Many ask me how me and DP manage to eat together at home and look hugely disappointed and even annoyeed when we tell them how it easy we find it. I think they like seeing me as a problem so they can gossip about it.

The ILs have never visited our home, ever, which I mentioned previously, but MIL tells all her sisters and SILs that we refuse to invite them (we do so nearly every month!) Luckily, I have put them all straight on that bullshit too.

Scorpette - what a nightmare! It's weird when you mention that other people like to see you as a problem one when really all it is is a restricted diet.

Why on earth do you continue to see this horrible horrible vile woman? It sounds like she treats people like shit all the time and is allowed to get away with it! If you have children she will do the same to them, you need to nip this in the bud before that happens as you can't let her toxic behaviour infect them too!

Sorry scorpette, just realised you are pg
Best of luck and I hope you find some solutions!

Thanks everyone for being v nice - monkeyflippers, I could cry at your words about me not being a problem. My own family and friends are fantastic about it all but DP's family (and other random people) are so mean about it all that I sometimes forget that I'm not a freakish burden! There's more issues involved than food in them seeing me as a problem - I'm very different from them all and they are openly wary of me, even though I make every effort to fit in. At a big family wedding 2 years ago, all the women who had married in took me to one side and told me not to take it to heart how they treat 'incomers' like outsiders, etc. But it's hard not to.

Mrs KLo, MIL is very nice to most people but she has an obsession with not 'pandering' to 'fussiness' or 'attention-seeking', which is what she views my diet as. I'm very assertive, but don't always know how to deal with it because my family are very open and expressive and if we have a problem, we get it out in the open, argue a bit, then it's solved and everyone's happy again and this approach hasn't worked. How do you get through to people who act like you've not said anything?! Me and DP have been in discussions ever since Xmas as to how we're going to deal with them, because he agrees that we're not going to let our child be treated like crap (they're also cold towards him because he's not like his brothers). We're going to see how interested and affectionate they are or not and take it from there. If I decide to tolerate how they are to me then that's my stupid choice, but no-one is going to make my child feel unloved or like an outsider.

OP, many children grow out of allergies and I really hope your DD does. I was unlucky enough to develop them as an adult (complicated and boring medical history). But it sounds like you're doing a wonderful job of adjusting things so she can enjoy meals and doesn't feel different - my blood boils that those idiots wouldn't want to bend over backwards to accommodate an innocent baby's needs nor support her mother's selfless efforts to keep her as healthy as possible. Shame you're not related to me - me, DP and my Mum would be cooking you both a banquet every time you came round :)

I just feel so sorry for both of you that not only do you have to cope with pain in the arse allergies but the people around you are not only not accommodating but treat you so badly. Honestly, I have a friend who is a cealiac and I feel guilty if I go out with her and eat bread! I will always try to cook something we all can eat if she comes round for dinner. I just thought that is what normal people do. However she gas some mad mil stories. I might send her over to this thread!

Good luck with the baby scorpette and good luck with the diet op.

YANBU at all. It's hard enough living with dietary restrictions but when your own family can't be bothered to try and make things just a tiny bit easier for you that's really rubbish. They need the slap, not you!

Penguin - re "even veggie" - it really annoys me that almost everyone, and every restaurant/cafe will cater for vegetarianism, which is at the end of the day a (very admirable) lifestyle choice, but if you have Coeliac disease or another serious intolerance that can make you really quite ill people roll their eyes when you request something suitable.

Ranty does your breadmaker have a special GF setting? I tried some in mine, it was like a brick, and took 3 goes on full in the toaster to go brown. What recipe do you use? I like the Genius brown also, it's the only one that doesn't taste really dry.
Hope you've made the choc cake, it's yummy.

Scorpette I'd love the banquet!
I definitely feel I've done the right thing for her though, she's thriving now. She's got the cutest fattest thighs I've seen on a baby, rolls and creases in her knees. I know of 2 other mums who've been through similar, both gave up BF to try to make life easier and no chance of anything upsetting babies through their diets, but the only formula suitable is disgusting. It smells like old wet dog rolled in a dirty field, and doesn't taste much better either. DD has it for her breakfast cereal mixed with fruit puree to hide the taste, she still grimaces on the 1st mouthful. Both these babies failed to thrive and were very poorly. Doing ok now a few years later, but they had an awful time, at least DD is lovely and chubbly on mummy milk.

Five, you sound like a truly wonderful mother. It's hard enough having to give up certain foods when you yourself have allergies, so it is truly impressive how you've done so just to make sure there's nothing in your breast milk but allergy-free goodness for your DD. Am sending you both a virtual banquet :)

five I have the Panasonic SD255 which is bloomin' fab! Quite expensive but I asked for money for my birthday so I could buy it.It has a special GF option, I use the Doves Farm Bread Flour. I heart Doves Farm and I have just found out that I can order in bulk from them so I am sorting out my kitchen and making room to store it. My lot love the spiced fruit bread that I make.

monkey flippers It was my son's paedeatric dietician who told me this. Apparantly the area where the rice is grown has high arsenic levels and there is a worry that a lot is transfered to the rice. Apparantly younger people have trouble getting rid of it from their bodies and the older they are the easier it is to get rid of it. It is not meant to be in the milk in large doses just very small trace amounts. Sorry I can't explain it like he told me but that is what I was told.

Link to the FSA research

Oh! and five ta very muchly for the recipe will try that out this weekend