to feel a bit upset, or just an over sensitive wuss?

[fiveisanawfullybignumber]

Background, DD who's under a year has some awkward food intollerances (wheat, gluten, dairy & soy), even sensitive to what I eat, (still BF.)
Just feeling a bit unimportant to DH's family, no that's the wrong word, not bothered about is more like it, I don't need to be important IYSWIM.
It's a family member's birthday soon and I saw a one of DH's relatives coming out of supermarket with a massive trolley load for said party, said hi etc. She said she'd nothing suitable for me apart from fruit. Asked her if she wanted me to eat before the party or bring my own food?
My own family made such a lovely effort when we went round for New year it made me feel like someone gives a shit what DD and I are going through. It's been really tough but worth it to keep her pain free.
I'm not asking for my own cake or anything, but it's so easy to pick up a couple of free from buns etc, plain crisps with no flavourings (most have milk or wheat?!?)
I think it's because I would go out of my way to cater for someone coming to my house with dietary needs, or even veggie as I've always done for some of DH's family, I feel a bit crap about the lack of even a tiny bit of effort. Not once since my diet's been restricted (7m for dairy, soy & 4m for wheat and gluten) has any of them made an attempt to cater for me. There was a memorable get together before Christmas, the only things i ate were a few cherry toms and a pack of plain crisps that I had in the car. I hope to goodness DD's not going to be like this forever, or she'll end up feeling like a real pain in the bum to her dad's side of the family, I think if it get's that far I'll have to tell them to suck it up and make an effort for her!
Just feeling sorry for myself i think, give me a slap and tell me to shut up!

I feel for you - YANBU.

My MIL gives me a microwave meal (usually veg lasagne) when we go round for dinner as i'm vegetarian and that pisses me off. Your situation is much worse - they are being very thoughtless.

Thanks, twofalls. No DC yet - am pg with no. 1 (which the ILs are totally uninterested about, even though it'll be their 1st GC). They won't visit our home - they are fit, rich, have several cars and only in their 50s - so if we don't go to see them, DP would never see his family. I grin and bear it because he's such a selfless guy and want him to see them.

OP, agree that this needs nipping in the bud - I know as an adult that this makes me cry and feel unwelcome and like an outsider and I don't even like my ILs that much, so my heart breaks for your DD if her allergies remain and these bastards people who are supposed to love her and care about her keep pulling this shit. Things like Walkers ready salted crisps are fine for allergy sufferers (well, not if your allergy is potato!), so it is NOT hard to get a few things in.

I have found that when you have allergies, some people think you are choosing to absent yourself from normal behaviour and so they don't have to do anything for you, like you're rejecting their offerings and don't want them to bother. Strangely, like my MIL, I find that these people will cater for veggies, even though that is a choice and not a necessity (a choice which should be equally respected, I hasted to add). It's infuriating!

OP, if you want a really nice treat for you and your DD and there are no issues with nuts, may I recommend Booja Booja ice-cream? It is vegan and organic and made with cashews and natural sweet stuff and favourings. That doesn't sound enticing, but it is actually an award-winning premium, luxury product and everyone who tries it agrees it is THE best ice-cream they've ever tasted. Sadly, it's insanely expensive and only available in selected health food shops, but is an idea for special treats/occasions. :)

Scorpette, wow your DMinlaw sounds awful! I too would want to stay home, and no interest in DC to be is dreadful. Congratulations to you by the way, when's baby due?
I've had an ice cream maker in my cupboard for ages gathering dust, so made some rice milk ice cream. Vanilla was a bit watery but tasted yummy, but choc made with Lintd 70% excellence choc bar (no dairy or soy) is amazing!

YANNNNBU! This makes me really really really mad! Everybody caters for stupid poxy fussy arsed vegetarians! They don't need to not eat meat, they CHOOSE to! It's a choice. People with life threatening allergies just get looked at as being akward. How is it kind or polite for a small child, who has to deal with dietary restrictions and their complications every day, to go to a party or gathering, or even just to school, and be offered food they cannot eat. My poor DD is coeliac, and this whole issue drives me dappy!

YANBU I dont mind them feeling they cant cope with it but then call you and appologise and ask can you bring something.

personally I dont think its that hard but then I have a wheat intollerence and ds was dairy intollerant when he was a baby so I had to cut it out as he was breastfeeding Really didnt find it that hard.

If I have people coming over with dietry needs I try my best to meet them view it a challenge and a posibility to learn somethign new

That's just so stupid. There are so many easy things they could do. Even if they were really lazy it doesn't take much effort to stick a baking potato in the oven, grill a chicken breast/steak/piece of fish with a little olive oil or make a salad/steam some veg. I'm not suggesting it's the tastiest food in the world but it's effort free and would at least fill you up.

Scorpette did you run over your MIL's cat or something?

I mean it's more than her being a nutter. She's seriously spiteful and evil if when she actually cooks stuff you CAN eat she goes out of her way to make sure that you can't have any.
Why doesn't your DP wait till she serves him the suitable food and then swaps plate with you? What does he say when he sees his mother treating you like that. I would be in tears the whole time in your shoes.

Why don't you just let him go see them without you?

You poor lady and your poor DD

YANBU at all

They are being so thoughtless and I am sorry you have to put up with that - don't feel like you are putting people out, you have done amazingly well with dealing with everything and the bf, you deserve some support and it's not bloody hard - like you said - to pick up some free from stuff

X

Yes forgot to say OP (sorry was distracted by Scorpette's awful story) I would be so upset in your shoes too.

I have a feeling a lot of people think food intolerance is just another word for fussiness. However, when you're talking about family you'd expect a bit of consideration. I mean I have a coeliac friend and I let her pick the restaurant when we go out and if I invite her over I run by menus to check she can actually eat the food I'm preparing.

As a one-off it's hardly a sacrifice. I'm not the one who has to live with the condition for the rest of my life.

Scorpette

Oh my God! I don't know how you put up with that behaviour! Why on earth do you both go? They have no respect for you! That is so so shitty and you should not put up with that, if my parents did that to my hubby I would have words! What are you going to do if you have kids with allergies and they do that to them? Your other half needs to point it out in no uncertain terms that this is not on and that your allergies are serious and need to be taken seriously

Poor you x

My SIL invited us to her big bash of a 40th party, 150 miles away from where we lived at the time, and I was to be 35 weeks pg on that day. And told me that I'd need to bring my own food for the whole day as 'it was too difficult to cater for me'.Fortunatly, ds decided to turn up early, so I was excused attending as ds was born that morning. As it happens, her mother got diagnosed as coeliac (like me) 3 years ago, so she realised what it was like and now caters v well.

I find all those stories so depressing.... How mean are those people

' Everybody caters for stupid poxy fussy arsed vegetarians! They don't need to not eat meat, they CHOOSE to! It's a choice.'

Err no they don't. My dad's partner took great delight in telling me she had cooked my potatoes in goose fat after I'd eaten them. I promptly went and vommed.

Scorpette - that's terrible! Why does she treat you like this? Also someone suggested your Dh getting the suitable food and swapping with you. That's a good idea. Would piss her off too.

OP They are lazy! Not sure what you can do about it though. Maybe be upfront and ask why they don't make an effort.

Feel guilty I've hijacked this a bit! Five, baby is due middle of May, thanks for asking. My ILs are the most mind-bogglingly repressed people you could imagine; I call them the 'pleasant robots'. MIL is terrified of change, anything different or standing out and my allergies panic her. I'm 9 yrs older than DP and she asked me before now to lie about my age so it doesn't draw attention to us DP has asked her why she won't cook for me, as has one BIL and other relatives - and me! - but she either ignores the question and gets upset or says she's scared of getting things wrong. I've offered to cook for the family, give her recipes or show her how I make things but she declines. They really don't realise how rude and ignorant they are, that's the saddest thing. They aren't much nicer to their own children and relatives.

Me & DP have been having many Serious Talks after a horrible Xmas week with them. Nothing anyone says to them about how thoughtless they are to, well, most people, gets through to them. I am always polite but I am also assertive when they are unacceptable. If we are too angry with them, they will simply cut us out of their life and that means DP being cut off from his huge family (the rest of his 1000000 relatives are mainly lovely). BTW, they never asked me once how I was feeling whilst pg (I've been seriously ill ever since the BFP, which we've told them), had a 20 min discussion about baby names without asking us what names we like (I didn't bother offering them, as they won't like them), 'forgot' to tell virtually anyone else about the pg and say they are too busy to visit us or meet my parents until @June (MIL is housewife, FIL works 3 days a week) - they've never met my folks or visited us yet in all the years we've been together. I am anything but a wimp but it would break DP's heart to break contact with them, so, as we only see them a few times a year, I have resigned myself to grinning and bearing it. He admits it's not right but nothing we do or say has any effect.

Sorry, OP!

PS We've tried the swapping plates things. Now she just makes things I can't have full-stop and puts them on the table for everyone but me to serve themselves.

Scorpette what about the food at christmas?

Hello OP
My youngest son is 2 and on a dairy free diet. My parents and my in-laws do not provide us with food he can have when we visit. I have to take up suitable foods for him. A long weekend and I am armed with a hamper!

My parents always turn up to stay with a gateaux and chocolates.

I now refuse to get wound up by it. I ignore it and them. I just ensure I cater for my kid. I know it's annoying but don't let it eat you up. It really isn't worth it. You have to conserve that energy for the endless battles you are likely to face with consultants etc....

Laughed at the comments about Freedom cakes - urgh. Dusty crumbly things.
There is a carrot cake by Respect in the supermarkets that does taste yummy and is nicely priced.

Scorpette, no worries, this threat should be called, we have food intollerances, why do our families act so thoughtlessly, maybe we should all have a slot on the JK show.

I have one DC who is gluten intolerant and one who is GI and dairy intollerant.If they are invited to a party I always chat to the mum and ask if they are comfy catering for it and stress I am happy to bring things they can eat. I have had a couple of lovely mums who have baked or bought stuff for them but those that are worried about it I quite happily provide for mine.

I am lucky that both sets of parents have been on board from the start and have quite happily catered for them and always check if they are not sure.

I bake my own cakes and bread and cook from scratch for mine as it is so much nicer than the Free From stuff. Though my lot like Genius brown bread, which I keep in the freezer on stand by, just in case I run out of HM bread.

fiveisabignumber rice milk is not suitable for under 5's as there is worry about arsenic in it. If your DC is lactose intolerent then I can recomend the Lactofree milk, though this is not suitable if it is the milk proteins your DC is allergic to.

PS: please can I have the recipe for the fudge cake please

PPS I can highly recommend The Gluten Free Cookbook for Kids by Adriana Rabinovich, most things in it are possible to make with DF products as well.

Thanks for that RantyMcRantpants, I didn't know. I've used it in rice pudding for her also as Neocate formula milk stinks to high heaven when boiled, think I'll be making neocate rice pud in an ovenproof bowl with a lid from now on!
She can't tollerate any cow's milk protien or soy at the moment, but thanks for the recomendation anyway.
FREE FROM CHOC FUDGE CAKE
Preheat oven to about 160 (I have a fan oven).
6oz Vitalite.
6oz caster sugar, beat together till light and fluffy.
3 eggs, add one at a time and beat well.
6oz Doves farm Wheat & Gluten free Self raising flour.
2 tablespoons cocoa powder. Add flour and cocoa, mix well.
Divide into to greased and floured cake tins, bake for about 25-30m, test with a skewer to see if fully cooked in middle.
Cool on wire rack.

Fudge frosting, for best results make in a food processor, it keeps the frosting firm, a cake mixer makes it runny and warm for some reason.
3oz Vitalite.
6oz Icing sugar.
2 tablespoons cocoa.
Whizz up in food processor, then sandwich between cakes and all over top cake.
Enjoy!!!
Can also give great recipe for choc oatie cookies if you want.
Can you tell I'm a chocoholic who's had to resort to desparate measures? I was almost ready to mug an old lady for something chocolatety till I found these.

rice milk is not suitable for under 5's as there is worry about arsenic in it.
What?!?!?!?! Since when? Mine was on rice milk about a year ago at the recommendation of the paediatrician!

Also . . . how the hell can there be arsenic in it and why would that be suitable for over 5s but not under 5s . . . and why in fact would that be suitable for anyone?! Ranting now!

I grew up with a severe dairy and egg allergy and remember having to take my own plate of food to birthday parties as a little girl!

I've grown out of it luckily, but DP has a dairy and tomato allergy, and his parents can't get their head around it!

We go round for lunch where he is frequently asked if he fancies a cheese sandwich, or some (milk) chocolate, or some tomato soup. They're just thoughtless rather than bad people, but I find it really frustrating!

I think the choc fudge cake is a really good idea, you can show them how easy it is to make something your DD can enjoy, and also that it doesn't taste any different from "normal" food.

Thanks, OP, you're lovely :) Have you tried nut milks? Almond milk tastes quite nice and works fine in cooking (I understand if you are avoiding nuts with DD at this stage).

Another moan/explanation:

Monkeyflippers, thanks for asking about Xmas. Me and DP had Xmas Day in our own place then travelled down on Boxing Day, staying until NY Eve. I had to take down every single bit of food that passed my lips, except for a couple of eggs MIL begrudgingly gave me for an omelette. And when you're in the 2nd trimester, that's a lot of food! BIL's GF told me that she'd privately asked MIL why I had to eat different food from everyone else and she'd told the GF that I refused to eat anything she cooked. MIL also tells her relatives this, who have taken me aside to tell me off for this before now - even when me, DP and both BILs have told them that this isn't true, they chose to believe MIL, as it makes life easier for them to believe I'm the awkward one, not MIL, who is their sister/SIL/daughter, etc. When there is a big family gathering at the home of one of DP's relatives, there is no food provided for me either. One of DP's aunts, who used to be a chef, has tried to make me things, but MIL has told her the wrong details about my allergies, so I have to kindly turn down the aunt's offerings, which just 'confirms' that I refuse other people's food Then all anyone ever talks to me about is food allergies; they literally ask me nothing else.

The actual reason for her refusing to cook anything I can have is quite saddening: she has a limited repertoire of meals and foodstuffs that she is too scared to break away from. DP says he has long suspected she is on the AS spectrum and as someone who has a close family member with Asperger's, I do agree with him; the rest of her behaviour would support this.

BTW, DP and one of his brothers are allergic to mushrooms and she still cooks things with mushrooms in, even when they see her planning a sauce with mushrooms in and remind her. They then have to get themselves a sandwich or maybe have a bowl of plain pasta (she won't let them cook, even though DP is actually a better cook than her and can make a wider range of things). She never asks anyone what they fancy eating or what they like and don't like. She has a rota of what meals she does on what days and if you don't like it or can't eat it then it's tough luck.