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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be around Sister & Brother in Law's home whilst pregnant & when the baby's born (because they smoke quite heavily)?

29 replies

WiiUnfit · 07/01/2011 16:14

Right, Sister & Brother in Law smoke quite heavily, Brother in Law smokes cannibis also, & have done all through Sister's 3 pregnancies and now round the 3 children in their home. So AIBU to not want to go round to their house whilst pregnant or even when the baby's born?

Confused

Not sure if I'm overreacting, I just know I don't want to be breathing it in & I'm sure my baby doesn't either? Has anyone else had this?

If I'm NBU, any tips on how to avoid going round but still seeing them away from cigarettes?? Confused

OP posts:
minipie · 07/01/2011 16:16

YANBU. I wouldn't want to be in a house full of smoke and cannabis smoke, and I'm not even pregnant.

how about meeting up with them in a pub or cafe (where smoking is banned)?

charliesmommy · 07/01/2011 16:17

YANBU, just tell them you arent going round as the smoke makes you feel ill..

I am a smoker, but would go outside to smoke if I had a non smoking visitor who didnt want to breathe in my smoke.

As for the cannabis, there is no way I would want to be inhaling someones joint either.

Remotew · 07/01/2011 16:20

YANBU tell them you don't want to set foot in their house and the reason why. No need to lie to them.

Original poster
WiiUnfit · 07/01/2011 16:25

Thanks minipie & charliesmommy, I wasn't sure if I was being a bit unreasonable! I have no problem with them wanting to smoke or even smoking (as long as it's not round me obv!) because that's their choice. I do feel for their children though, they don't like it but are surrounded by it. :(

I feel that because I have a medical problem, I feel like my DC1 (due June) is a bit of luck really & I just really don't want anything to go wrong / harm it, me or both! Confused

minipie, that sounds like a good idea, I'd much rather be somewhere where they had to go outside. Other option I just though about is meeting them at my Nana's - she detests smoking so they're banished to the garden if they want a cigarette!

OP posts:
mountainmonkey · 07/01/2011 16:27

YANBU at all- I wouldn't want to be in that environment ever, never mind while pg and certainly wouldn't take my DC into a smoke filled room.

Agree you should just be honest with them about why you don't want to go round there.

Original poster
WiiUnfit · 07/01/2011 16:27

Hey abouteve, I would but BIL can be a bit hasty & sensitive about things & would probably kick off if I wasn't... diplomatic!

I wouldn't want to cause a dispute between him & DS, me & DS or him & me! Confused

OP posts:
bumperella · 07/01/2011 17:21

Be polite and honest. It is there home, so is up to them if they smoke in it, but equally it's your choice as to wether you visit.
If you think BIL will be "hasty" then speak privately to your sis perhaps? I don't think you need to make up an excuse.

MmeLindt · 07/01/2011 17:24

The current advice from fsid to protect your child from the risk of SIDS is not to smoke, and not to allow anyone to smoke around your baby.

For that reason alone, I would avoid them.

xfirsttimemummyx · 07/01/2011 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cyclebump · 07/01/2011 17:28

I've been very lucky in that I felt the same and my PIL but didn't feel I could say anything. They smoke very heavily in their home and I'm now 27+4 with DS1. The luck was that my DP felt exactly the same and when I got the balls to mention my concerns to him he'd already told them in no uncertain terms that baby and I would not be coming visiting if they were smoking in the house.

YANBU

snowmummy · 07/01/2011 17:28

YANBU. I won't be around smokers with my DC's. I don't even take them to my mum's house anymore because of the smoking issue. She does smoke outside when we are there but that doesn't change the fact that stale smoke and chemicals are clinging to soft furnishings etc and we all end up stinking.

Cyclebump · 07/01/2011 17:29

Aargh, meant about my PIL!

Original poster
WiiUnfit · 07/01/2011 17:37

Thanks all, the last thing I want to do is upset my Sister or BIL & end up not seeing them! I wish it was that easy to just say "come to ours", we live over 100 miles away unfortunately so the worry is when we go to visit them, as we always do when we go up to see the rest of my family.

I'll try & have a word with my Sister before we go to see them but I fear she'll pull the "don't be ridiculous" phrase as my Mum did when I tried to have the discussion with her (she smoked through both of her pregnancies & round myself & Sister as children too!) but has since given up smoking so in theory, if she sticks to her non-smoking, she won't be adding to the problem!

OP posts:
Remotew · 07/01/2011 19:15

I smoke in my house, just in the kitchen with the window open. I go outside if my DN brings her baby and stays for any length of time. She doesn't ask me to I just do it.

However, if she was really precious and said I couldn't hold the baby because I smoke, I wouldn't be pleased and think she was being hysterical, and would probably avoid them tbh. She isn't like this, fortunately, as she has a brain and can work out what is risky and what isn't for herself.

I don't think my smoking in the kitchen with the window open and baby being in another room would have any ill affects but they wheel the pram through the kitchen and I wouldn't want her things to smell in the event of the smell of smoke lingering.

ModreB · 07/01/2011 19:28

YANBU. I am a smoker, but I would never ever smoke around either DC's or visitors with DC's, or PG.

SkyBluePearl · 07/01/2011 20:02

The smeall of smoke makes me want to vomit particulalry while pregnant. And yes you don't want the baby breathing in fumes. It's also recommended that smokers don't hold a baby after they have a had a fag for a specific length of time.

Remotew · 07/01/2011 20:12

SkyBlue, can you provide a link to not holding baby for a while.

I think that the majority of smokers have been well trained and we are mostly considerate. I hate walking down the street holding a cig and a little one comes into my vincinity nowadays. Not because I honestly think they will drop dead if they inhale a little smoke but because I feel guilty for inflicting my habit on them.

OP sounds like your relatives haven't quite got there yet, and don't realise that their habit isn't as acceptable as it once was.

xfirsttimemummyx · 07/01/2011 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Remotew · 07/01/2011 20:46

Thanks for the links, but what a load of crock. Whilst I admit that some smokers might reek abit shortly after they have smoked a cig, there cannot be a danger. If there was I wouldn't have made it to my ripe old age (smoker and from a smoking household) neither would my Dsiblings. DD would be ill. In fact the whole population of the world would be affected by now.

Still OP YANBU.

Original poster
WiiUnfit · 07/01/2011 22:27

Thanks all for your responses! :)

I'm just hoping now that my Sister will be understanding!

Thanks for the links xfirsttimemummyx, makes for some interesting reading.

Was quite shocked the other day when my MW turned up reeking of smoke, couldn't help but think of the babies she was going to see?

Just as an aside, my local hospital's maternity unit is due to move to the other side of the hospital soon, behind a large tower block that contains many wards, every time I have been through the main entrance to this block for an outpatient appointment there have been a number of inpatients and visitors stood literally around the door having a cigarette (despite the hospital being "smoke-free" and there being signs everywhere telling everyone they are not permitted to smoke on the grounds), it's awful.

I understand it would be probably quite unreasonable to make all the inpatients trapze(sp?) out of the grounds for a cigarette but surely if they're going to continue to allow them to smoke by the door they could easily create a designated area thus moving them away from the door & other people but still making it somewhat easier than leaving hospital grounds?

DP makes a point of having a quick cough as we walk through them all to get to the door but it never seems to get the message across!

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 07/01/2011 22:40

Abouteve
How can you say it is a load of crock? Research from Harvard Medical School - hardly a new age woo school.

MsKLo · 08/01/2011 00:07

Well I would not let anyone who smokes as stinks of smoke hold my baby and I couldn't care less if they are offended - they should not be offended in the first place!

I did smoke before I had children but stopped before i started trying - I LOVED smoking and still miss it but won't do it for a number of reasons including the fact I am breastfeeding and I would not have my dc endure this stinky and harmful habit

Smoking anywhere near children is wrong and picking up children if you have smoked does have an effect - people who say it doesn't say so to justify their own selfish habit

I see people smoke whilst pushing the buggy and in the car etc and it makes me so angry - so so selfish and irresponsible

snowmummy · 08/01/2011 14:37

MmeLindt - I wholeheartedly agree - How can abouteve say its a load of crock? I get sick of hearing arguments like I smoke and its never done me any harm. There are plenty of people to whom it does do harm and the safest thing to do, especially where children are concerned, is to stay away from smoky atmospheres. Also, smokers do reek for more than a short time after smoking and that smell is chemicals hanging onto their clothes, hands and breath - I don't want that inflicted on my children either.

MsKLo - well said.

Remotew · 08/01/2011 16:35

I said it because I don't believe everything I read and am not convinced. I've already said that I don't smoke if little ones come into the house but to say it will harm them to be picked up afterwards is imo scare mongering.

Guess we just have differing opinions.

5Foot5 · 08/01/2011 17:21

WiiUnfit Maybe your midwife had just been visiting in a smoky house rather than having smoked herself?